YOU'VE JUST FOUND OUT
YOUR CHILD IS GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, OR TRANSGENDER
If you are like many parents, your first reaction is "How will I ever handle
this?" There is not much yet in our society to prepare parents for the words, "Mom, Dad. I'm
gay."
We hope this can help you understand your child's sexuality and its meaning to you and your
continued relationship with him or her. PFLAG members are parents, families and
friends of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals. We probably have been through much of what you are
feeling. We understand.
The first thing we can tell you, with absolute certainty, is that you are not alone. According
to statistics, it is estimated that anywhere from 3% to 15% of people in Canada and the world are
homosexual. Taking these statistics into account, between 4 and 12 families in every 100 has a
gay, lesbian or bisexual member.
That means that there are plenty of people out there you can talk to. We can tell you from
experience that talking about it really helps. There are books to read, hotlines to call and
people to meet who can help you move forward by sharing their own experiences. PFLAG can provide
you with the information and support services you need.
The second thing we can tell you is that, if you want to, you will emerge from this period
with a stronger, closer relationship with your child than you have ever had before. This has been
the case for all of us. But the path to that point is often not easy.
Some parents were able to take the news in stride. But many of us went through something much
like a grieving process with all the accompanying shock, denial, anger, guilt and sense of loss.
So if those are the feelings you are dealing with, they are understandable given our society's
attitudes towards gay men, lesbians and bisexuals.
Don't condemn yourself for the emotions you feel. We were all given the same lens to look
through and it was a flawed one. You owe it to your child and yourself to educate yourself and
thereby move to acceptance, understanding and support.
While it may feel as if you have lost your child, you haven't. We haven't lost a child but
have been given the opportunity to become acquainted with and to love the whole child. Your child
is the same person he or she was yesterday. The only thing you have lost is your own image of
that child and the understanding you thought you had. That loss can be very difficult but that
image can happily be replaced with a new and more real understanding of your child.
If your child is young, coming to an understanding with him or her may be crucial. Gay and
lesbian youth who are shut out by their parents have a comparatively high incidence of suicide
and drug and alcohol abuse. Some teens protect themselves by putting as much distance between
themselves and their parents as possible.
If your son or daughter 'came out' to you voluntarily, you are probably more than halfway
there already. Your child's decision to be open with you, about something our society discourages,
took a tremendous amount of courage. It shows an equally tremendous amount of love, trust and
commitment to the relationship with you.
Now it's up to your to match your child's courage, commitment, trust and love, with your own.
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Last updated: 01/13/2001
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