WHY DIDN'T HE OR SHE TELL US BEFORE?
One difficult realization for you may be the recognition that your child has
probably been thinking this through for months, even years, and is only now telling you. It is
easy to take this as a lack of trust, or lack of love or a reflection on your parenting. It is
painful to realize that you do not know your child as well as you thought you did and that you
have been excluded from a part of his or her life.
To some extent, this is true in all parenting relationships, whether the child is gay or
straight. There is a necessary separation between parent and child as the child moves toward
adulthood. Your child will reach conclusions you will not have reached and will do it without
consulting you.
In this case, it is particularly hard because the conclusion
your child has reached is so important. In many cases, it is so unexpected and you may have been
shut out of his or her thinking for a period of time.
"Since my daughter has told us she's
a lesbian, we have become much closer."
Gay, lesbian and bisexual people may hold back from their parents as long as possible because
it has taken them a long time to figure out what they are feeling themselves. In other words,
gay, lesbian and bisexual children often recognize, at an early age, that they feel 'different'
but it may take years before they can put a name to it.
We still live in a society that misunderstands or is fearful of gays and lesbians. It takes
time to acknowledge their sexuality to themselves. Remember, your child was subjected to the
same negative conditioning that we were - an education of intolerance and omission. Gay men and
lesbians have often internalized self-hate or insecurity about their sexual identity. It may
take time for someone to think through and work up the courage to tell a parent. You may feel
your relationship with your child was such that they have known they could tell you anything.
However, everything in our culture's treatment of homosexuality says, "don't ask, don't tell".
Ask yourself how you have handled the topic of homosexuality in front of your child in the
past. This society has created people who make negative comments about gays without even
thinking before they speak. It seems to be the last acceptable form of prejudice. Have you made
comments that have made your child fearful of your reaction? Don't blame yourself for the things
you said or how you reacted in the past. Blame a society that has taught you to behave that way
and that it failed to educate you on this subject.
Even as you may grieve for not having been able to help him or her through that period - or
even if you believe that the outcome would have been different if you had been involved earlier
- understand that your child probably could not have told you any sooner. Most importantly,
doing so now is an invitation to a more open and honest relationship.
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