MSTing: "Name of the Game"
--- Part 5 of 8 ---
[OPEN ON: Bridge, darkened. Close-up of Pearl's face.]
PEARL: Who ya gonna call?
[PULL BACK. Pearl is in a Ghostbuster's outfit, complete with gun.]
PEARL (diabolically): It ain't Dial-A-Mattress, Ziggy!
[Pearl fires a beam of electrical discharge towards the camera. A ship's
battle alert siren goes off.]
MADGE (yawning): Mm, nice nap. Hi Pearl! Trying to kill me, huh?
PEARL: No, it's a flossing alternative. Open wide!
[Pearl shoots the gun at another part of the ship.]
MADGE: Ooh, tell me. Are you the lame, stupid ones from "Ghostbusters 2",
the lame, stupid ones from "The Real Ghostbusters", or the lame, stupid
ones from "Extreme Ghostbusters"?
PEARL: These are the high-power plasma bolts you forged in life!
[Pearl whirls and fires at another part of the ship. An urgent buzzer
starts playing beneath the siren. Gypsy pops up, in a panic.]
GYPSY: Pearl! You're breaching our hull integrity!
PEARL: I got your hull integrity right here, pal!
MADGE: That doesn't even mean anything!
PEARL: Nah, but it sure sounds cocky, don't it?
[Pearl pushes Gypsy back down, and fires again, laughing.]
MADGE (as battle computer): Warning! Hull breach imminent. Oxygen
levels depleting. Pearl is a wussy-pussy babypants.
PEARL: Enjoy a freshly made flame-broiled Whopper with extra mayo,
pickles and a side of OBLIVION!
[Pearl fires one last blast to the right. An explosion- the hull is
breached. The outrushing air pulls debris violently off the screen, and
Pearl with it. She grabs desperately onto the desk.]
[CUT TO: Head-on view Pearl, hanging onto the desk, pulled horizontal due
to the breech behind her, beyond which lies the cold void of space.
Frantic, Pearl glances to the desk and sees...]
[INSERT: Console on the desk. A big red button labeled SELF-DESTRUCT.]
PEARL (vengefully): Magic Voice! I'll see you in HEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!
[INSERT: Pearl lets go of her grip to press the button.]
[ANGLE ON: Breach, as Pearl is pulled out. Her screaming form fades into
the vastness of space.]
[EXTERIOR OF SOL. After a beat, it EXPLODES.]
[CUT TO: HEXFIELD VIEWSCREEN, where we see the explosion of the SOL. Pull
back to the Bridge. Gypsy and Pearl are watching the image.]
GYPSY: See? That's what's in store if you two don't quit fighting.
MADGE: Your point being?
PEARL: I am NOT that fat.
[Buzzer sounds, lights flash.]
GYPSY: Fiction sign! Quit fighting or no "Felicity" for a month!
PEARL: I am NOT that fat! Look at me!
MADGE: Oh, quit whining, babypants.
| 6 |... ( 5 )... [ 4 ]... > 3 <... = 2 =... / * \
[CUT TO: Theater. Gypsy and Pearl file back into the theater.]
PEARL: Yeah, well, I've got my eye on you, girlfriend.
MADGE: Same likewise, swinefodder.
>
> --------
MADGE: Quadruplets sleeping!
PEARL: Stop it.
>
>She was bored.
PEARL: She's not alone!
>Sitting in the same wooden chair for a half hour -- which
>was supposed to be only a few minutes -
GYPSY: You couldn't walk away to watch an Outback Steakhouse commercial in
a few minutes!
MADGE (Alexa): C'mon, ram that lamb down your throat! Eat like a python!
Move, you!
>had worn down her patience and she
>was on the verge of just walking out, trouble or no. They couldn't hold
>her, could they?
GYPSY: Not Alexa. No man could. She was wild- wild like the untamed
suburb of Camden she called home.
>Not without charging her, she didn't think. During that
>half hour, she had time to ponder,
PEARL (sings): I punder, as I ponder... ugh. Never mind.
>and think about how it was she had come
>to be sitting in a police station, waiting to be questioned, and the
>imposition began to wear on her better nature.
GYPSY: Oo, it's getting so blindly impersonating your evil twin is just
one big headache after another!
>But she couldn't just walk
>out -- not without the dogs.
MADGE: Disney remakes "Not Without My Daughter".
PEARL: With Don Ameche as the voice of Scout!
>She wasn't certain when or why it started happening, but like a glass
>of wine Alexa felt a rush in her head at the day's events, and she
>slid further into Amelia,
ALL (Pearl holds hands up): Whoa-ho! Stop! Hold the phone!
GYPSY: I knew the "Ellen" reunion was gonna be trouble.
>beginning to feel reckless, safe in her disguise,
MADGE (Alexa): Hah-hah, I'm the evil twin now! I'm gonna get Alexa in
so much troub- oh.
> and as she did her thoughts continued back to Detective Logan -- or,
> as she began to think of him, Detective Mike.
PEARL: Didn't he host a kiddy show in the 50's?
>Her instant dislike had actually been something else, only she'd been
>acting at the time and hadn't let herself realize it. Something about
>his bullying, macho attitude she found humorous, yet appealing,
GYPSY (sadly): If Gloria Steinem were dead, she'd be rolling in her grave.
PEARL (sadly): Tell me about it.
> and his round eyes, with a hint of strong line
>under them, made her feel giddy. And in her giddiness, she turned to a
>nearby desk cop and asked where the big lunch was being held.
MADGE: OK. So, Kit's editor tells her something like, "The story isn't
repetitive enough, so go back and write the same scene two, maybe three
times, and adjust your style to that of a helpless fluffy schoolgirl
with a crush on her gym teacher."
GYPSY: Uh... kinda.
>Without even
>looking up he said "the Cafeteria, third floor," so she took her purse
>and left the room. Finding the place wasn't hard -
PEARL: Seeing as how she was told where it was and all.
>she followed food odors, and strolled into the cafeteria like she
>belonged there, cool and confident as Amelia.
GYPSY (Alexa): Confit of duck, please. With Jerusalem artichokes and the
roasted vegetable melange.
PEARL (cook): Duuuuuuh... we'se got chili, chips, and Bud Light.
>She did not tell this to Ben, though.
GYPSY: But didn't she just...?
PEARL: Oh, man. I'm so confused.
MADGE: You can present multiple viewpoints in a story, but all by the
same character?
>There was too much risk. But a lot
>had happened over one lunch time, and she remembered it clearly, though
>as in a dream.
PEARL: As if Patrick Duffy had suddenly decided he'd return to "Dallas"
after his character was killed.
>Immediately, Logan had left the table and in a few strides was standing
>next to her, taking her wrist and leaning over close to her ear.
>"You're not supposed to be here."
MADGE: Now she breaks out into a rousing chorus of "Voices Carry".
>She frowned. "I got bored. A girl has to have something to do," she
>told him, pouting like Amelia did.
GYPSY: Yeah, rich self-confident women debase themselves like this all
the time.
PEARL: Leona Helmsley built a vast real estate empire on hissy fits.
>
>She loved the fact that she practically made him grind his teeth in
>annoyance. "Fine. So stay. We're almost done. But don't say a word."
GYPSY (Alexa): Rimpidex! There, that's not a word!
>
>Alexa had laid a finger over her lips, a long, manicured, pink nail,
GYPSY: Driven by a pearl-handled feminine claw hammer.
>thanks to a few months' of Amelia's attentions. "You won't even know
>I'm there, Detective Mike," she'd whispered back, and for a moment he
>looked bemused, like a spell had been blown in his face.
MADGE (Logan): Her lips say yes, her nails say yes... one word from her
tongue and mom's off to Motel 6!
>His grip on her wrist slackened,
>and they took their seats at the table. Just as she was about to fully
>sit, her skirt pulled up to reveal the tops of her garters,
[All giggle.]
>and she smoothed it back over, knowing only one person had seen that.
MADGE: I am woman, hear me whore!
>It had been accidental,
>in a way, and she nearly blushed at it -- and the silliness of it; it
>felt like she was in a cheap porno movie for a second -
PEARL: If this were a porn flick, it've been over two hours ago!
>then at the pleasure
>she got from knowing he'd seen it.
GYPSY: Finally! I'm in command of being used and exploited!
>What was she trying to accomplish? She had no idea.
MADGE: That makes two of us!
>Perhaps this was her own way of bullying back the bully from earlier.
GYPSY: So her mother taught her bullies only back down if you put out?
PEARL (Alexa): Stop teasing me or I'll twirl my blouse over my head!
>But quite suddenly, because she could remember his breath in her
>ear, it became more than that.
>
>Ben heard only the bones of this.
MADGE (Stone): So you're in your leathers, Logan's tied to the bed...
>During the wrap up of the meal, she began to steal glimpses of Logan
>from the side of her vision, and once or twice caught him doing the
>same thing. When their eyes met, both quickly looked away.
MADGE (Goofy): D'oh, gorsh!
PEARL (Goofy): Womens is purdy- huh-hyuk! Huh-hyuk!
>A thrill ran up her spine,
>and she grew bolder, finally taking part in the table debate, and
> making her own valid points.
GYPSY (Alexa): Deport'em all if they can't speak English! They're
not citizens!
>Showing off, certainly. Getting a rise out of her seat partner?
[All clear throats.]
>She was hoping so. It was gloriously fun.
PEARL (Alexa): I'm so naughty! He must spank me! Firmly first-
then harder! Faster!
>
>After an hour or so, however, Alexa began to feel anxious about getting
>back before Amelia, who occasionally came home early only to leave
>again later in the evening. She didn't want to have to explain why she
>had been out with the dogs, and dressed in Amelia's outfits.
MADGE: Alexa has a lot in common WITH THE AUTHOR!
>So as everyone else was beginning to pull away, Alexa stood and walked
>around the table to shake Ben Stone's hand. "Thanks for the lunch," she
>told him. "And the conversation."
>
>Ben had shrugged. "You held your own. Wouldn't want to go up against
>you in court."
>
>She had smiled.
PEARL (Alexa): You can go up against me any... (breaks character) This
is getting pretty tiresome, actually.
>"Hopefully, you won't have to."
>
>Logan, hearing everything, had reached her just as she told him that,
>and brusquely pulled her back. "I think we have to go."
>
>She backed into him for a second, caught off balance, and for a moment
>she felt him across her back, felt how sturdy he was, warm and solid,
MADGE: -his burgeoning manhood filling her soul with... oh, I just
can't anymore.
PEARL: This fanfic takes wholesome family sexual innuendo, and just
perverts it into something dirty!
>and she knew she'd done what she'd been trying to do all afternoon.
>They hadn't said a civil word to one another in their lives, yet they'd
>managed to turn each other on.
GYPSY: Oh did I? Sorry! I didn't MEAN to!
>Without backing away she half turned and their noses nearly touched.
PEARL: Eskimo porn, ahoy!
>"Am I free to go, then?" she asked softly. "I thought I was still
>in custody."
MADGE (Logan, startled): Dah, no! You're... here to sign my yearbook!
>
>Catching himself, Logan took a step back. "You never were in custody."
>
>She raised an eyebrow, another gift from Amelia.
GYPSY (Alexa): The doctor said I needed a kidney, but...
>"Our little talk, I'm afraid, will have to wait.
PEARL (TV announcer): Optional Police! In Color!
> I still need to get my dogs and get home.
>Detective Mike, will you see me out?"
ALL: Yes! Oh yes! Show her out show her out show her out!
PEARL: And call for the SWAT team in case you screw it up!
>"Dogs?" asked Claire, still sitting at the table. "You have dogs in
> your office?"
MADGE (Logan): Don't be ridiculous. They're in the holding cell!
>
>"Don't ask," Logan told her. "Long story."
>
> --------
>
GYPSY: And that made it eight dashes longer!
PEARL: Yeah, if it weren't for the dividers I bet we'd be finished already.
>She only recalled to Ben what he had obviously seen for himself. "And
>then, as he walked me out to the cell where the dogs were being held,
MADGE (Alexa): We found the dogs' lawyer had already posted bail.
PEARL: They were halfway to Mexico before we could even call the Feds.
>we stopped for a minute in the hallway, and he asked me what I did in
>the evenings. I told him I went dancing, at this club called the
>Cantina on 43rd Street.
GYPSY: You know, nine blocks uptown from The Miracle.
> In fact, I told him, I was going that evening. He said he might have
> to stop by there sometime."
>
>"So you asked him on a date?" Ben asked, his eyes wider.
PEARL (Alexa): Well, technically he was stalking me. But he was just
so sweet about it.
>"You'd nearly been arrested, but a date was on your mind?"
MADGE: No aspect of the investigation gets past the steely logic of--
that guy.
>Alexa frowned. "Come on, Mr. Stone,
GYPSY: Back of the class, Duh-schowitz!
>I hadn't even been questioned, much less arrested.
PEARL (Alexa): Though he was about to slap the cuffs on me, if you
know what I mean.
>Besides, from what I heard later, they weren't even after
>Amelia then. They thought she might have seen something, but not that
>she'd actually killed anyone. I didn't see anything wrong with it."
GYPSY: Wait- she thought it was OK, because of facts she didn't know
about yet?
MADGE: That Jeanne Dixon course in rationalization skills is really
paying off for her.
>She could afford to be indignant, because that highly edited version of
>the hallway scene was very little like what really occurred.
GYPSY (uncomfortable): Hooooooooo, Nellie.
PEARL: This is like a second-hand romance novel where the good parts
are already marked. Which isn't a bad thing, come to think of it.
> The hallway had been dim, some bulbs out, and it was really only a
> service way to another bank of elevators.
MADGE: It was marked by a sign that said, "R Rating, Straight Ahead."
>Alexa never saw where Detective Briscoe went;
PEARL: Oh, let's leave SOMETHING to the imagination here, please.
> it was just Detective Logan and herself, him gripping her upper
> forearm as though to keep her in check.
PEARL: (Logan, feeling forearm): Hey! You work out?
>About halfway down the dim hall, he let go and
>cornered her up against the wall, leaning toward her with one arm
>propping him up.
MADGE (Logan): Am I too AGGRESSIVE?! Do I come on too STRONG?!
ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!
>"What was lunch all about?"
GYPSY (Alexa): Well, those little hot dogs were called "hors dourves".
You were NOT expected to fill a sandwich with them.
>"Is that what you've wanted to ask me, Detective Mike?" Alexa had
> raised one knee up off the wall,
GYPSY: She's kneeling on the wall! She's a shaman, rewriting the laws
of gravity!
PEARL: No, it's just awkwardly phrased, Gyps.
>pressing herself into the concrete. He was very
>close to her face, and she could smell the lunch and the beer they had
>both just had mixed with his cologne. It was like wine,
PEARL: Beer like wine?
MADGE: That Napa Valley microbrewery is just too "out there" for me.
>she felt drunk with her adopted persona, and fearless.
>
>"It's Detective Logan," he told her, not too emphatically, his eyes
>scanning her face.
GYPSY (as computer processing): Brr-d-d-brr-d-d... Error input Line 407.
>
>"Logan makes me think of an airport in Boston," she told him. "I like
>Detective Mike better."
PEARL (Logan, still processing): Answer unclear, ask again.
>
>And then he had leaned in
[All begin humming "Love is a Many Splendored Thing".]
ALL: Ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da-da-
>and they had kissed,
ALL (reaching crescendo): DUUUULLLL! Ba-da, BORED, da, WE'RE, FED
UP!
>not soft and tentative, but
>deep and hungrily, instinctive and wet.
MADGE: Hm. I hope they remembered to Vaseline their lips. Otherwise
they're not going to get a good seal.
> She remembered his tongue feeling smooth and soft inside her mouth,
GYPSY (Alexa): Hey! That's a donut!
PEARL (Logan): Whoap, sorry. Didn't really have time to chew dessert.
>and they kissed without touching anywhere
>else or moving from their positions at the wall. When he pulled back,
>he still hovered within inches of her face.
MADGE (Logan, lustily): Shall we... sign the pre-nup now?
>"What do you do at night, Ms. Page, when you're not slumming at cop
>lunches?"
PEARL (Alexa): I take my slum on the road, slum up the local bar scene.
>"I go dancing," she told him, and named the club. It was true -- it was
>the one true Alexa thing
GYPSY: Don't you DARE screw up Anna Quindlen's book!
>he now knew about her. "I like to dance. Tonight, I dance."
MADGE: Zorba, the Geek.
>"I think I might have to stop by there sometime," he said back, slowly,
> and there was a bit of silence between them a moment or two.
PEARL (Logan): You like muffins? I really like muffins.
>"You did that on purpose at lunch, didn't you."
>
>"Did what, Detective Mike?"
>
>He ran the back of his hand down her cheek. "I think you know."
GYPSY (Alexa): What, the beer can thing? Licking the silverware?
Stuffing luncheon meat in my bra? Help me out here.
>And leaned
>in again for another of those death-defying, life drawing kisses.
MADGE (Alexa): Did it provide a service of some- blub! Gag! Cough!
Damn, warn me next time!
>When they
>pulled back this time, though, she darted under his arm.
GYPSY (Alexa): Whee! I'm a dragonfly!
>
>"Are you a good cop, Detective Mike?" she asked him, and he blinked.
PEARL (Logan): Uh, sure! The best! Uh... we're talking about sex, right?
>"Of course," he told her, completely sincere in his surprise at the
>question.
MADGE: Just how she likes'em. Good, honest, and dim as a six-watt
light bulb.
>They didn't say another word until she was outside with her dogs, in
>the sunshine, and things felt real again.
GYPSY (as dogs): Ah, god bless our legal system!
MADGE (as dogs): The press! Where's the press!
PEARL (as Daniel Day Lewis): Me father died in a British dog pound for
somethin' he didn't do!
>"The Cantina," he repeated to her,
>and she nodded, doubting he'd ever set foot in it.
>
>"Thank you, Detective Mike, for a most educational afternoon," she told
>him, and slid into a cab with her dogs.
PEARL: Educational?
GYPSY: Well, we did learn that "no drinking on duty" thing is more a
suggestion than a policy.
MADGE: And we learned that high-profile murder investigations can be
back-burnered to provide kennel services to the upper class.
> Ben didn't hear beyond the sanitized version, and when Alexa paused,
> she saw him look over his shoulder at his assistant, Claire. What
> Alexa didn't know was that Claire, chasing after Logan that afternoon
> to ask about a deposition,
PEARL: -knowing she'd have to count his foot stomps to get his answers.
>had seen them from the far end of the hallway. But Claire had
>not said a word to Ben -
ALL: WHAT?!
>the ethics of what she had seen were dodgy, but not worth bringing up.
ALL (screaming bloody murder): NOOOOOOO!!!
GYPSY: She gave Claire the brains of a sea sponge!
MADGE: It's OK, Claire! It's not your fault! We still respect you!
PEARL: Oh, man! That made me feel dirtier than the lip mashing!
>Until now.
>
>Ben caught the slight shake of his assistant's head and interpreted it
>correctly.
MADGE (as Stone): Oh! <ZZZZZZIP!> Sorry.
>"Ms. Page. Alexa. If you lie about the small things, we can't
>possibly expect to believe you on the big things."
>
>Alexa paused, stunned at what they had chosen to point out as a lie --
>the one event she had glossed over.
GYPSY: Well, there was that whole garter thing, too. Be fair.
>Her throat welled up and through the knot
>she said, "That's the only story you'll hear from me. Maybe there is
>more. But you won't hear it from me."
MADGE: This is pretty prescient to the Clinton grand jury testimony.
>
>Stone decided to ask his assistant for more details later. He could
>decide then what was worth pursuing. "Fine, then. So you went home.
>Then what."
>
> --------
PEARL: Then she pulled the legs off a centipede.
>
>She got back to the apartment and quickly showered and changed,
MADGE: Letting the steamy wet heat cling to her body like so much-
oh, I can't take this any more.
> stepping out just as Amelia was getting home. Wrapped in a robe,
GYPSY: She just changed! Jeez, the AUTHOR'S not even listening anymore!
>she emerged from
>her bedroom and greeted her sister, asking about her day.
>
>"Crazed, as usual." Amelia sighed dramatically.
PEARL (Amelia): I'd got the old man's body stowed beneath the floorboard,
when the cops come by and wouldn't you know, his heart starts beating!
>"And naturally, more tonight."
>
>"Tonight?"
ALL (sing): Oh-ooooooh!
>
>She nodded. "There's a do upstate and Staffan's picking me up in about
>two hours.
[All sniggle.]
MADGE: Staffan? Last name Fection?
> Another client. You know how it is."
GYPSY: I don't even know what you DO!
>"Oh." Alexa was dying to tell her sister what had transpired between
>her and the strange policeman,
GYPSY: Columbo?
MADGE: How appropriate for a fanfic that just won't go away!
PEARL (as Columbo): Oh, eh, one more thing...
>but couldn't figure out a way to do so without
>giving away her disguise, so she said,
GYPSY: All people whose twin sister isn't dumb enough to be questioned on a
murder she didn't commit, raise their hand. NOT SO FAST, Amelia!
>"I walked your dogs this afternoon."
>
>"Don't you always?"
>
>Alexa paused. "Well, yeah."
>
>"Yes, Alexa, say 'yes.' 'Yeah' is for children."
>
>"Yes," Alexa pressed her lips together.
MADGE (Alexa): Mpg, mph mm hm mbg!
>"I did. Only, today, I ran into
>some people who knew you."
PEARL (Alexa): Well, the chauffeur did. I just told him not to stop.
>Amelia sat up straight.
MADGE: Boi-oi-oi-oing!
>"Really?"
>
>"They thought I was you."
>
>"And you...."
>
>"I let them think it," Alexa said.
>
>Amelia smiled. "Who were they?"
>
>Alexa folded her arms. "They said they were policemen, Amelia."
GYPSY: "They said"? You were at the precinct!
PEARL: Man, Helen Chenowith isn't this paranoid.
>Amelia paled visibly. "Oh? And...what did you tell them, Alexa?"
MADGE (Alexa): I told them to speak to my imaginary friend's twin sister,
Screwtape.
>"Nothing. I thought it was about parking tickets, and then the dogs ran
>away, and they chased after them. We never got a chance to talk."
GYPSY: Wow. That's so deep! Almost haiku-like in its multi-layered
meanings. I wish I could reiterate tired plot points like that.
>Amelia stood very close to Alexa and held her shoulders.
MADGE (as spine snapping): Kr-r-r-r-ik!
>It wasn't quite threatening, but Alexa felt very uneasy. She could
>never lie to Amelia... how could she stare at herself and tell an
>untruth?
PEARL: Oh, how does Hanson call themselves "musicians"? It's just life!
>"You said nothing to them, Alexa?"
>"That's what I said," Alexa told her.
MADGE: And it's what I'll say again in a few paragraphs. And AGAIN and
AGAIN and...
>"Why do you seem so concerned? I thought it was about parking tickets."
PEARL (moaning): Parking tickets again!
GYPSY: I'll give you three-to-one Amelia doesn't even own a car!
MADGE (deep-voice announcer): Two-fisted DMV action!
>Amelia stood up and walked around, and for a moment Alexa wasn't sure
>what her reaction would be. When she turned, and her eyes were alight,
MADGE (as Santa): MERRY XMAS TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD... oh.
>Alexa let out a breath of relief. "Alexa, darling, you're wonderful!"
GYPSY (Amelia): It took me YEARS to get that evil!
>And Amelia hugged her sister. "I'm so pleased." Alexa didn't know what
>had caused her sister so much pleasure,
[All clear their throats, and Pearl tugs at her collar.]
> but she let
> it ride. "But it isn't about parking tickets, is it, Amelia."
MADGE: Alternate side of the street plotting!
>The joy she had just emoted disappeared in a second. "If parking
>tickets was good enough for the police, my dear sister, it is good
>enough for you."
ALL (dust motes): WOULD YOU FORGET THE BLOODY PARKING TICKETS!?!
GYPSY (dust mote): She is SO disturbing!
MADGE (dust mote): C'mon, guys! Let's push the thermostat to 280 and roast
her like a veal breast!