MSTed by Brendan Herlihy

Take me to this MSTing NOW!

Have you ever bolted upright in your bed, your mouth full of cotton, swimming in a cold sweat, with a single, echoing question haunting your conscience: What would happen if the cast of "Highlander" performed their version of "My Dinner with Andre"? Well, if you have, then YOU! YOU, sir or madam, are the one "Bloodlines: The Calling" was written for.

Otherwise: RUUUUUUUN! Run for the horizon as fast as your legs will carry you!

I suppose I could make an attempt to tell you what happens in this tepid offal pancake of a crossover. But that would require reading it again. And truth be told, that ain’t gonna happen. Even though it’s short, about 500 words, there is more pain per square inch of this fanfic than even Ratliff at his worst can offer.

Dwelling on negatives of this story would take forever and just serve to hurt others. So I’m going to remain positive. To wit: I admire the author for having the guts to post this semi-random assemblage of word-like icons. He was very prudent to protect Chris Carter’s copyrights in the disclaimer (there’s no "X-Files" elements in the story, of course, but you can’t be too careful in this age of litigation). Also, it does take a perverse kind of skill to use the English language this poorly. But perhaps the most lasting legacy of "Bloodlines" is that it proves, once and for all, that you can steal from three sources and still write a story where not only does nothing happen, but whose writing is so incomprehensible, YOU WON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS THAT’S NOT HAPPENING! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DAMMIT! RUUUUUUUN!!!

Of course, when you’re through running for your life, you’re sure to be in the mood for the spiritual reflections offered in "An Open Window Observing the Battleground". Or as I like to think of it, Sunday morning TV, run through an Osterizer. Rev. Tony Ponticello sermonizes about world politics. Where else can you reflect on the positives of Hiroshima (we haven’t killed 100,000 people in a nuclear explosion since), or of Serbian war atrocities (if Bosnian Muslims can’t find it within themselves to ‘rise above the battleground’, they’re not worth saving)? This is supplemented with unsettling Freudian allusions to men in mineshafts and women sold into sexual slavery, and capped by the reverend stating proudly, "There are no lovers who have jilted me in my internal world." Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Once in the theater, it’s clear Evil Mike lied. But suddenly, Torgo the White comes to the theater to whisk our heroes away, to rescue Brain Guy and Bobo, and defeat Evil Mike. To get a head start, Torgo redirects the fanfic to someone else. It winds up in the house of Beavis and Butthead.

Steve Weinberg, my MSTing Editor Par Excellence, refused to read the Beavis and Butthead MSTing. It made me wonder how many people would see the names "Beavis and Butthead", and stop reading. This would imply that the only idea worse than doing a Beavis and Butthead MSTing was doing two MSTings and putting it first. Oh, well.

Beavis and Butthead’s video commentary is similar in principle to a MSTing, but the humor is of course much different. The comments can be less related to the action- somewhat freeing, yet at the same time, it’s easier to make a Mike-and-the-bots pop culture reference funny than a B&B string of single entendres. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy with the result. But never again.

On the other hand, doing "The McLaughlin Group" was a hoot and a half. McLaughlin should consider this format on a permanent basis. Then, when Buchanan went off on one of his wacky nutjob rants, instead of being outraged, people would laugh. I suspect such a vision haunts his nightmares far more than any Hillary Rodham presidency.