Mystery
Usenet Theater 3000
"Republic's
Fall"
Misted
by Matt Blackwell, Douglas Gale, Brendan
Herlihy, Keith Palmer, and Eric Schepers
Dedicated
to the memory of Sir Alec Guiness.
[Season
9 Opening]
[The
Bridge of the Satellite of Love]
[Mike
Nelson, the sole human aboard the SoL and nominal
protagonist of our little story, stands
behind the
command console, flanked by Tom Servo and
Crow T.
Robot.]
Mike:
Hey everyone, and welcome aboard the Satellite
of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and with me, as
always, are Tom Servo and Crow, my robot
pals.
Well, as many of you know, it's 1999 and
I've
been trapped up here in space for almost
5 years
now. It's April back on Earth, and with
April
spring arrives in full force. And hey,
it may
be the last April many people ever see,
what
with that that Y2K thing coming. And to
tell
you the truth, I'm getting kind of
homesick.
My heart is longing for those lazy April
Wisconsin spring days when my baby,
April,
and me would head out to the park, lay
out
a picnic on the warm spring snowdrifts,
April,
which by then had thawed to only about
two
feet deep, April. Oh, she looked so
April
lovely lying there in the sun, dressed
only
in four or five April layers of
clothing...
Crow:
Mike? What are you doing?
Mike:
I'm just reminiscing about springtime back
on April...
Tom: There! You did it again!
Mike: I
did what again?
Crow:
You've been over-emphasizing the fact that
it's April! And 1999, to boot!
Mike: I
have?
Tom: Yes, and it's really getting annoying,
Mike.
Crow:
What are trying to tell us?
Tom: Oh, geez. We've forgotten your birthday,
haven't we?
Mike:
No, that's not...
Crow:
Ack! How could we have been so stupid?
Gypsy! It's spud boy's birthday!
Gypsy:
[O.S.] Happy Birthday, Mike! I'm giving
you a gift certificate to Amazon.com,
okay?
Mike:
But it's not...
Tom: Crow! I'll go get a cake! You scrounge
up
some presents for King Dairy there!
[Tom
exits, stage right.]
Mike:
Guys!
Crow:
Not now, Mike. Now let's see. What can we
get you? Mike? You want a furby?
Mike:
No!
Crow:
How about these season tickets to the Lakers?
Second row! Right behind Nicholson!
Mike:
Are you kidding? Crow, A: I'm trapped up here
on a spaceship. B: The Lakers are
horrible and
C: It's not my b...
Crow: I
got it! [Crow disappears behind the console
for a second and resurfaces with a video
tape.]
I bought this movie on e-bay. It's
basically a
copy of an upcoming film that someone
smuggled
out of the editing room. I haven't
watched it
yet, but I'm sure you'll love it!
Mike:
What's it about?
Crow:
It's about this kid who sees dead people! It
stars Bruce Willis and...
Mike:
Hold it! Crow, I spend enough time watching bad
movies as it is. I don't spend another
two
hours watching "Mercury Rising
II."
Crow:
You know, you're impossible to shop for.
Mike:
But it's ...
[Tom
rushes in, carrying a large cake.]
Tom: I've got the cake! It's basically baking
soda,
and saltines covered in caulk, but it
should
work. Just don't drink anything after
you eat
it, Mike.
Bots:
Happy Birthday!
Mike:
But it's not... [Mike sighs loudly, then turns to
the camera.] I'll try to explain this to
them
during the commercials. We'll be right
back.
[Commercials.]
[Everclear
proudly proclaims that they are sci-fi. Ads
for "Big Daddy." And Sci-Fi
presents _Farscape_! Ooh!]
[The
Bridge]
[Mike
is speaking with the bots.]
Mike:
...see? It's not my birthday. I'm just a little
tired of being up here. In April. Of
1999. Heck,
what I wouldn't give to be living in an
efficiency
apartment in Minneapolis right now.
Tom: Oh, like that's going to happen.
Crow:
Cheer up, Mikey! You've still got us!
Tom: Right! We're lovable rapscallions!
Crow:
And later this year, you get to see humanity
collapse in chaos as their computers
fail en masse!
Mike:
Well, won't you two...?
Crow:
Heck no!
Tom: Joel based our chronometers on some
bizarre
Tibetan calendar.
Crow:
It's Ritsbul the 73rd, Eighty-dickedy two for
us.
Tom: We're fine for at least 79 klickbarns
more!
Mike:
Well, that's reassuring to know. It's still
not my birthday though. And... [The
lights
signaling a call from Pearl Forrester
begin to flash.] We'll finish this after
we see what Alan Smithee wants. [Mike
hits
the light.]
[The
scene shifts to a rainy, outside
location. Pearl
stands in a line, surrounded by extras. She
doesn't
seem terribly happy to be there.]
Pearl:
Afternoon Mike. At least, I think it's afternoon.
I can't really tell around here.
[SoL]
Mike:
Pearl, is there a reason why you and a hundred
other people are standing fully clothed
in
your shower?
[The
Line]
Pearl:
Very funny, Mike. Hardy-har-har. Bobo talked me
into taking him to some little Star Wars
shindig.
[SoL]
Mike: A
Star Wars shindig? Pearl, that came out over
20 years ago.
[The
Line]
Pearl:
It's for the new one, Nelson...
[SoL]
Mike:
New one?
Crow:
Sure! Lucas decided to do some prequels to the
original movies.
Mike:
He did?
Tom: He did. Mike, we've been telling you
about this for
months.
Mike:
You have?
Crow:
Yeah! Tom and I are totally stoked about going to
see it! We even installed a system to
remind us
on when it's coming out!
Mike;
You di...
[Mike
is interrupted by a loud booming voice
reverberating through the Bridge.]
Voice:
[V.O.] STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
OPENS IN JUST 20 DAYS! JUST 20 DAYS, 14
HOURS,
23 MINUTES TO GO!
[Mike
covers his ears with his hands and speaks as the
voice continues it's proclamation.]
Mike:
THAT ALARM?
Tom: YES!
Crow:
IT'S BEEN DOING THAT EVERY FIVE MINUTES FOR THE
PAST FOUR MONTHS, MIKE. I'M SURPRISED
YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT!
MIKE:
ME TOO! PEARL?
[The
Line]
[Pearl
winces.]
Pearl:
Geez, Mike. I can hear that thing from down here.
Bobo's a big fan of this Star Clerks
thing, so he
begged me to take him to this
celebration thing.
[icily] He neglected to tell me that I'd
be
spending the next 5 hours in the rain
standing in
line. Mike, have you ever smelled wet
gorilla
fur?
[SoL]
[The
alarm has stopped.]
All:
Eewwwwww.
Crow:
So, where is Bobo anyway?
[The
Line]
Pearl:
Oh, he spent about two or three minutes out
here before someone mistook him for a
wookie,
whatever that is, and dragged him
inside.
[SoL]
Tom:
Why haven't you left then?
[The
Line]
Pearl:
Well, duh. What do you think I'm doing? It's just
that there's a line for that too. At
least, I think
it's the line to leave. I did
accidentally spend two
hours in line waiting to see the guy who
did the
catering on 'Return of the Jedi.'
Anyway, as I've
just about had it with all things Star
Wars related,
I've decided to ruin the prequels for
you too.
[SoL]
Tom: What?
Mike:
You foul beast!
Crow:
Have you no sense of decency?
[The
Line]
Pearl:
No, Art. I don't. That's why I'm sending you
spoilers for not only Episode 1, but
Episodes 2
and 3 too.
[SoL]
[Silence]
Crow:
Mike? They always said there were no monsters.
No real ones. But there are, aren't
they?
Tom: [sobbing] I've got a really bad feeling
about
this...
Mike:
Pearl, you've shattered the hopes and dreams of
two poor little robots. How could you
sink so low?
[The
line]
Pearl:
Mike, tell you what. You spend two hours listening
to people debate whether or not whether
or not
Han shot first, then let's see if you're
quite
as judgmental, okay? Now, where is Brain
Guy..?
[Observer
enters, looking rather annoyed.]
Observer:
Pearl, I must protest...
Voice:
[O.S.] Emperor Palpatine! Dude!
Observer:
[turning offscreen] I am not Emperor Palpatine!
Voice
#2: [O.S.] A Jedi!
Observer:
No! I am not a Jedi either, you blithering
buffoons! Nor am I a Tusken Raider!
Can't
you get it through your simian skulls
that
I am not a character from your pathetic
little
cinematic excursion! Do you understand?
[Silence.
Then the voices shout again.]
Voices:
[O.S.] Stewie!
Observer:
Pearl? Do we have to persist in participating
in this event? I can not tolerate another
minute...
Pearl:
Brain Guy, do I need to explain this again? You've
got to stay in line, so that you can get
into the
dealer's room, and buy a bunch of
figures. That
way I can dump them on e-Bay tomorrow so
that I
can finance my trip to Blackhawk. Got
it?
Observer:
But there are 2000 people in line ahead of me...
Pearl:
So? Use your powers. Be creative. But, can you
send this up to the boys first?
Observer:
Oh, very well.
[The
Observer's F/X can be heard.]
[SoL]
[The
movie sign lights are flashing.]
All:
AHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT SPOILER SIGN!!!!
[The
bots rush wildly around and the door sequence begins...]
[6 . .
. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[As the
theater doors open, we see that the first row of
seats are already occupied. Mike and the bots
enter and
stop at the end of the aisle.]
Mike:
Excuse me, but what're you doing?
Fan: We heard there was a screening of the
Star Wars
film up here so we showed up.
Mike:
Out! Now! This is a private screening!
Fan: All right, all right.
[The
fans sullenly stand up and exit the theater. Mike
and the bots take their usual places.]
Crow:
Wow. That was really noble of you, Mike.
Keeping
those poor fans from having being
exposed to this.
Mike:
There's nothing noble about it. Those jerks were
making a mess. Aw! They knocked over a
coke! The
floor's all sticky.
Tom: Hey, it's worse down here, pal.
>
>
>
>
>
>The
Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker
>
>Luke's
father may define the new Star Wars Trilogy
Tom: Really? I heard it was going to be about
the
lives and loves of interstellar pickle
salesmen.
>by
John L. Flynn
>
Mike:
As played by Lee Marvin.
>
>Among
movie fans, there's no greater source of speculation
>than
George Lucas' upcoming Star Wars trilogy.
Mike:
Yes, it generates more speculation than what was
in the briefcase in "Pulp
Fiction".
Tom: More speculation than "Is Dekker a
replicant"?
Crow:
And even more speculation than "What was Gus van
Zant thinking when he remade
Psycho"?
>
Discussions
>about
who'll he in the new films, what they'll be about
Mike:
And how the MGM Grand can offer 99-cent shrimp
cocktails and still make money!
>and
when they'll come out have been raging ever
>since
the filmmaker announced that he would favor the
>moviegoing
public with three new intergalactic adventures.
Crow:
Waaaaay back in 1955.
>But
in discussions about the content of these prequels,
>Star
Wars fans need not limit themselves to mere fantasy and
>speculation.
Mike:
They can use rumor and innuendo too!
> Tantalizing clues to these
much-anticipated
>movies
can be found in the original trilogy,
Tom: All we have to do is run the scripts
through the
Bible Code, make some Tarot readings,
and examine
some entrails and *poof* - instant
script.
Mike:
Prophecies Of The New Trilogy. Tonight on Art Bell.
> in their
>Lucasfilm-approved
novelizations and in early drafts
>of
the Star Wars script (which include a malleable
>storyline
for the entire nine-episode saga).
>
Crow:
Surprisingly, the latter three episodes seem to
consist of Luke and some talking otters singing
songs from "Godspell".
>In
the early 1970s, Lucas wrote dozens of draft scripts
>and
story treatments inspired by Flash Gordon serials,
>fantasy
adventure novels and traditional parables.
Mike:
So, originally Luke was supposed to be hanging
around with Hawkmen on Mongo?
Crow:
No, I think he was on a quest to save a Princess
from a Krait Dragon and find a mystic
crimson
emerald.
Tom: No, no, no. You're both wrong. Originally,
Luke
was on the road to Mos Eisley, when he
was beaten
up, and the only person who'd stop and
help him
was a friendly Jawa.
>
One
>of
the most detailed early scripts followed Luke's father,
>Anakin
Skywalker (originally Starkiller).
Crow:
But the name was changed after protests from the
'Hey! Don't Kill the Stars!' League.
> The
story
>specifically
examined his relationship with Obi-Wan Kenobi
Tom: Don't analyze it, you'll ruin the
romance.
>and
related how, by following the easy path, Skywalker
>was
eventually transformed into the evil Darth Vader.
Mike:
It also revealed that if he followed the even
easier path, he would have transformed
to the
really evil Gilbert Gottfried.
>Fearing
that the story would bore modern children because
>it
focused more on character development than action,
Tom: Heck, that'd bore most adults too.
Crow:
Well, George has had twenty years to work on it.
I'm sure he'll find a way to make
everyone happy.
>Lucas
shelved the treatment in favor of the later story
>that
became Star Wars, but he never abandoned the script.
Crow:
Every four weeks, Lucas sent the script a small
stipend to support itself.
>The
earlier material became the backstory ftom which Star
>Wars,
The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi played
>out
and therefore the tale would logically serve as the
>focus
of Lucas' upcoming prequels.
>
Mike:
But, since we're dealing with Hollywood, we can
pretty much throw logic out the window.
Tom: Sure! People would *love* to see a big
screen
version of Fish!
Crow:
Don't you think Hamlet would be better if
Hamlet ran a video store and he had a gay
robot for a sidekick?
>The
following outline is only one interpretation of
>what
the new Star Wars films may contain,
Crow:
So, it's a wild-assed guess then?
Mike:
Pretty much.
Tom: [Flynn] But it's a WAG that I *sold*,
dogonne it!
> but
it's based
>entirely
on information in Lucas' own scripts and on
>tidbits
contained in officially sanctioned novelizations.
>
Mike:
No inside information?
Tom: Not even a daring midnight raid of
Lucasfilm's
trash cans?
Crow:
My fantasies have been shattered.
>
>
> Episode 1:
> THE CLONE WARS
Crow:
Okay, the party's over. Nothing to see
here--
let's leave.
Mike:
But we haven't seen anything yet.
Crow:
But the title, Mike, the title! Can't
you see it
all in the title?
>"For
over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were
>the
guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic.."
>
Tom: And then the job fell to Ernest P.
Worrel.
>Having
completed his Jedi training under the tutelage
>of
Master Yoda, young Obi-Wan Kenobi faces his first
>test
as a warrior in the Clone Wars,
Crow:
Kenobi must fight the hordes of fans demanding
bootleg "Phantom Menace"
figures.
> a
conflict
>between
the Republic and the outside forces that
>helped
undermine the internal viability of the
>Republic.
Mike:
So, it's the Republic versus the evil
commie hordes then?
> (One clue to the nature of the Clone
>Wars
can be found in the novelization of The Empire
>Strikes
Back by Donald Glut.
Crow:
In the novel, the Clone Wars are described
as being massive battles betweens groups
of beings who are genetic copies of
other
beings.
> When Boba Fett is
first
>introduced
in the novel, he is described as wearing
>"a
weapon-covered, armored spacesuit,
Mike:
Emblazoned on the chest? "I'm With
Stupid".
> the kind
worn
>by
a group of evil warriors defeated by the Jedi
>Knights
during the Clone Wars.")
Tom: Jedi Knights versus evil warriors in
Boba Fett
suits! Suddenly, the Clone Wars have
come alive!
>
>Moviegoers
know that Obi-Wan gained experience in
>this
conflict
Crow:
Enough to gain a level and add five points to
his dexterity!
> and studied under Yoda because
the
>Jedi
warrior tells Luke that he once "fought in
>the
Clone Wars,"
Tom: He also told that coed in Mos Lauterdale
that
he was a Hollywood producer.
> and that he (like Luke) was a
>"reckless"
pupil under Yoda.
Mike:
But that was before he spent some time in
Jedi Town, under the watchful eye of
Father Flanagan.
> Leia, in her
>holographic
message in Star Wars, affirmed Obi-Wan's
>war
story.
Tom: Affirmed, tolerated, slept through,
whatever.
> "General Kenobi, years ago you
served my
>father
in the Clone Wars."
Crow:
So, now he's a butler? Can we stick with only
one version of his background please?
Tom: Wooster and Kenobi, this fall on the
BBC.
> Obi-Wan evidently
rose
>quickly
in the service of Leia's adoptive father,
Mike:
Dave Thomas?
>Bail
Organa,
Mike:
Oh.
Tom: Switch!
Mike:
Huh?
Tom: Sorry. I don't know where that came
from.
> a Republican viceroy and chairman
>of
the Alderaan system, and soon became a general.
>
Mike:
Of course, that's not terribly hard in the
Star Wars universe.
Tom: In fact, even Mike would have a pretty
good
chance of making General. Or even Major.
Crow:
[Dr. Bellows] Major Nelson?!
>In
the novelization of Star Wars, Kenobi admitted
>to
Luke that Darth Vader was "one of my brightest
>disciples
[and] one of my greatest failures,"
Crow:
Out of a field of one, of course.
Mike:
[Kenobi] The only time I've ever had to
give an F quadruple minus.
>
so
>it
is possible that Obi-Wan first met Anakin
>Skywalker
while the general was training and
>leading
soldiers and young Jedis in combat.
Tom: Or they just met some enchanted evening
across a crowded room.
>Perhaps
Anakin was, as Luke was originally told,
>simply
"a navigator on a space freighter,"
Mike:
Perhaps he was a pimply stock boy hanging
out at the water cooler. Or perhaps he
was
a proud pirate king! Who can say?
> and
>only
later became "the best star-pilot in the
>galaxy,
and a cunning warrior."
Mike:
That was after the war, when everyone better
than him was dead.
> Regardless of
>how.
the two met, Skywalker heeds Kenobi's call
>to
help save the Republic during the Clone Wars
>and
begins his Jedi training.
>
Tom: [Kenobi] OK, so put you right foot in.
Good,
good, now stick your right foot out.
>Meanwhile,
in "the bright center of the galaxy,"
Crow:
A.K.A. Studio 54.
Tom: Where it's impossible to live due to the
immense gravitational forces of all
those
stars...
Mike:
Not to mention their egos.
>on
the Republic's capital city-planet Aquilae,
Mike:
o/~ Aquilae my friend. Don't start away uneasy o/~
>the
ambitious young Senator Palpatine is plotting
>his
own twisted political career.
Tom: I bet his flowcharts look like Escher
drawings.
Mike:
Emulating his hero, President Cl'nt'n.
> Manipulating
>the
restlessness and infighting caused by war anxiety,
Crow:
[commercial] -heartburn, diarrhea, or minor
stomach upset.
>he
promises "to reunite the disaffected among the
>people
and to restore the remembered glory of the
>Republic"
if he is elected president.
Tom:
o/~Springtime for Palaptine and Aquilae..
Winter for Bespin and Coruscant... o/~
Mike:
I'm just waiting for him to annex Andromeda.
> But
>several
members of the Republic's High Council are
>dubious
of Palpatine's stated objectives, and seek
>to
block his election.
Mike:
But the Jedi Matlin was no match for the dark
powers of C'rv'lle and St'ph'n'polis.
Crow:
Oh, thank you, Newt Nelson.
> These senators include
Hail
>Organa,
All: Hail Organa!
> Mon Mothma
Crow:
"Godzilla vs. Mothma". Coming soon from
Toho Studios.
> and other representatives
who
>eventually
form the Rebel Alliance.
Tom: They tour the world, playing covers
of Billy Idol songs.
Crow:
They never quite catch on in the US, but
they're pretty big in Japan.
> Among the
members
>of
this coalition of powerful political forces
Mike:
Like the Slightly Silly Party, the Norwegian
Treefish Party and the Libertarians.
>
is
>likely
to be the woman who will marry Anakin Skywalker
>and
bear his children Luke and Leia.
>
Crow:
Her name? Pamela Anderson.
Tom: Wow, they deduced that the mother of
*Princess*
Leia is gonna be someone important. I've
regained
my faith in this movie now.
>Narrowly
defeated in an election for the presidency
>of
the Republic, Palpatine seizes power "through
>subterfuge,
bribery and terror."
Mike:
And how is this is different from a normal
election...?
> His first
executive
>act
is to order the murder of Bail Organa and his
>followers
as they return to Alderaan,
Tom: [Godfather] He's gonna sleep with the
gooberfish.
> and
Palpatine
>specifically
instructs his minions to make the
>group's
destruction appear to be the result of an
>enemy
raid.
Crow:
Thousands of Alderaanian refugees were put
ashore at the Bay of Gamorans...
> The assassination attempt fails,
but
>"aided
and abetted by restless, power-hungry
>individuals
Mike:
Oh wait! Sorry! They're *coffee*-hungry
individuals. That's why they're so
restless,
you see.
> within the government and the
massive
>organs
of commerce,"
Crow:
Who exactly is he quoting?
Mike: You
know. Unnamed government sources.
Crow:
Oh.
> Palpatine assumes
near-absolute
>control
of the tottering Republic,
Tom: [Palpatine] Aha, at long last I
control... this
thing... that doesn't really work that
well
anymore. Shoot.
> influencing
by
>force
of arms (or through his powers as an evil
>sorcerer)
Crow:
If you read Palpatine as Yeltsin, this thing
starts looking like an apology for the
existence of crunchy peanut butter.
> most High Council representatives
and
>numerous
guilds.
Mike:
Like the all-powerful Bowling Guild.
> His inevitable emergence as
>emperor
and the dissolution of the High Council
>are
documented in the novelization of Star Wars.
Tom:
...which, as an authorized agent of Amazon.com,
you can buy through this link...
Crow:
That's a good idea, Tom. You should
patent it.
>Although
Palpatine's power play is clearly defined,
>the
Clone Wars remain a mystery.
Mike:
Were clones involved in this war?
Crow:
Was it a war, or just a police action?
Tom: And where exactly was Scud Stud Arthur
Kent
during this conflict?
> Few details
about
>the
conflict surface in the books, and even fewer
>are
revealed in the three films or in early drafts
>of
the Star Wars screenplay.
Mike:
Which is why most of this information came
from the liner notes from "Live at
Buddokhan."
> One can conjecture
>that
the Jedi Knights fought to prevent cloning
>technology
from being used to create
Crow:
Kathy Lee Gifford?
> a
terrible
>weapon
Mike:
Oh, no, they have the ability shoot millions
of exact replicas of George Lucas into
our
kitchens! We'll starve!
> or an army that would be used against
>the
Republic.
Tom: The Clone Wars: Noble Jedi fighting
hordes
of evil Sheep Soldiers.
> Obi-Wan (O.B.-one) might even be
>some
sort of clone designation,
Mike:
Shyah! And clones of the band Stryper
*might* fly out of my butt!
> identifying
the
>first
clone of a man with the initials O.B.
Tom: Oscar Brunewald!
Crow:
Orville Baedeker!
Mike:
Otoh Brisket!
Tom: Obsessively Brutal!
Crow:
Ortega's Buddy!
Mike:
Oh, brother.
>Perhaps,
as the Jedi ranks precipitously fell
>(through
disease or other causes), scientists
>in
the Old Republic were forced to clone their
>warriors.
Crow:
They could have hired some free agents, but
no, they had to take the cheap route.
> When information about this
development
>first
surfaced, sinister forces from worlds outside
>the
Republic may have sought out the technology to
>strengthen
their armies.
Tom: Why are the forces always sinister and
faceless? Wouldn't it be more
interesting
if it was all started by some
fair-haired
likable guy named Steve?
> With the successful end
>of
the wars, fearing that the cloning might once
>again
be used for evil, the Jedis likely destroyed
>the
technology and all information about the
>procedure.
>
Crow:
Well, soap can be used for evil. Why didn't they
destroy all the soap?
Mike:
Even Jedis take the bus, Crow.
>The
first film of the new trilogy could close
>with
Republican victory,
Mike:
As George W. Bush takes the podium and
congratulates his supporters...
Tom: [snort] Yeah, like he'll ever get the
nod.
Crow:
It's going to be McCain in there. Mark my
words...
> led by Obi-Wan Kenobi
>and
Anakin Skywalker, in the Clone Wars, and the
>temporary
defeat of the evil forces threatening
>the
Repulic from within.
Mike:
Buchanan must have dropped his third party idea.
Crow:
"Repulic"? Sounds like they
cloned a chicken.
> But as Kenobi and
Anakin
>Skywalker
are lavished with medals,
Tom: [Anakin, lurching over] Oof! Man, a life of
usin' the force sure weakens your neck
muscles,
I tell ya.
> the
latter
>finds
favor with his future wife and, ominously,
>the
powerful Senator Palpatine.
>
Mike:
That's it? I somehow pictured this with lots more
digital effects and goofy aliens.
Tom: Now, Mike... Less new stuff means less opportunity
to find fault. It's just that simple!
Crow:
Even so, I can see why George is in California
counting his money and this guy's
peddling his
speculations to movie magazines.
>Episode
Two:
>The
Rise of Darth Vader
Crow:
Huh? "Theresa Othbart
Wafer"? What?
Mike:
Crow, I think you lost your contacts again.
Crow:
I'm sorry, Mike. The stories are so
much easier to
take when they're illegible.
Mike:
Here, I brought your spares. Come on.
[Mike
puts contacts onto Crow.]
>
>
>"Once,
under the wise rule of the Senate and
>the
protection of the Jedi Knights, the Republic
>throve
and grew," Lucas wrote in Star Wars.
Tom: Then he wrote, "Add in something
furry and
cute..."
>
"But
>as
often happens when wealth and power pass beyond
>the
admirable and attain the awesome, then appear
>those
evil ones who had greed to match.."
>
Mike:
Art Brown?
>Some
time has passed since the Jedi's victory
>brought
an end to the Clone Wars,
Tom: Twelve, maybe fifteen minutes?
> but in that
>time
boredom and complacency have exacted a terrible
>toll
on the Old Republic.
Crow:
What they need is a good war in the stars.
> Palpatine promoted
>corruption,
bribery and terror
Mike:
[Palpatine] Corruption! Bribery! Half price!
I'm *givin'* it away!
> have reduced
the
>High
Council to a collection of rubber-stamp
>legislators
Crow:
[pol] Henceforth, rubber stamps will be at
least four inches wide, and will be made
of
strawberry licorice!
> (except for a few fearless
patriots,
>such
as Bail Organa and Mon Mothma)
Tom: And B-Wing Bob Nanrod.
> and does a
>massive,
faceless bureaucracy maintains control
>over
the various star systems.
Mike: I
don't know--you tell us.
> Even the
once-great
>Jedi
Knights have been slowly supplanted by Anakin
>to
Palpatine's Sith Lords and their elite guard.
Tom: Yeah, evil sued to get equal
representation.
>"Like
the greatest of trees, the Republic rotted
>from
within, though the danger was not visible
>from
outside," Lucas wrote.
>
Crow:
Oh, Darth Elm Disease!
Mike: A
call went out to Tree Doctors. They said
they'd be by on Thursday.
>The
decline of the Republic casts a dark shadow
>over
the lives of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan
>Kenobi.
This middle story in the new trilogy likely
>contains
the turning point in Skywalker's life.
Tom: Or it contains Portman and Christensen
making
kissy faces.
Mike:
Who?
Crow:
He's just making up names, Mike.
Mike:
That's good. For some reason, I kept thinking
"DiCaprio" myself.
>Like
all great mythological heroes, he faces a
>severe
test, engineered no doubt by Palpatine.
Mike:
Since he's the main enemy in the series...
Crow:
[Palpatine] Sort the following names
in alphabetical order as quickly as
possible. Then we move on to typing . . .
>The
late philosopher Joseph Campbell refers to
>this
stage as "the belly of the whale,"
Tom: Then he talked about about another
breeze
blowing in whenever the big fella cracks
a grin.
> and
posits
>that
a true hero needs the courage to fight demons
>from
within as well as from without.
Crow:
Actually, I'd recommend Pepto-Bismol.
> Campbell,
>whose
writings Lucas has studied, further concludes
>that
only by fighting off fear, anger and aggression
Mike:
[trembling] Can we stop bein' so a-scared!
>("the
dark side of the Force are they," says Yoda)
>does
a hero survive and prosper.
Tom: After all, living an uneventful and
prosperous
life isn't a very heroic tale.
> But, unable to
>manage
his desires arid fears,
Mike:
Those humid fears, they're the ones that really
keep you awake at night.
> Anakin succumbs
to
>Palpatine's
influence.
Crow:
[Anakin] Whoa! The dude's right! Life
insurance does make a lot of sense, even
for
a single guy like me!
> Kenobi later tells Luke
that
>Anakin
"was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
Mike:
The adult in him likes the shadowy dark side,
but the kid in him loves the sugary
light side!
>He
ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became
>Darth
Vader.
Crow:
But he still received tons of junk mail for
"Mr. Skywater" for years
afterward.
> When that happened, the good man
who
>was
your father was destroyed."
>
Tom: This father will self-destruct in five
seconds.
>Though
little is known about Anakin's courtship
>and
marriage,
Mike:
...we suspect that the words "icky" and
"ewwww" and "what were
you thinking???"
came up a lot.
> we do know that the union
produces
>Luke
and Leia, the children Anakin never knows.
Crow:
Except in certain erotic Star Wars tales...
>Impatient,
reckless and disappointed by his own
>failures,
Tom: But enough about McCaully Culkin!
> the young Jedi leaves his wife and
>friends
to pursue a new course of study under
>Palpatine-
Mike:
Why does the Force run strong in my family?
Page 65.
> before his wife reveals that she is
>pregnant.
Crow:
[Kenobi] He was pretty dumb, really.
> Twenty years later, Kenobi explains
to
>Luke:
Crow:
[Kenobi] You see, when a man loves a woman very,
very much...
> "When your father left, he didn't
know
>your
mother was pregnant.
Tom: [Kenobi] He barely knew she was a woman.
We're
talking one rock-stupid Jedi, Luke. Of
course,
he found out later when the courts hit
him up
for child support.
> Your mother and I
>knew
he would find out eventually, but we wanted
>to
keep you both as safe as possible."
Tom: [Kenobi] So we took away your father and
prevented him finding out about the one
thing
which might have changed his mind and
made
him resolve to better himself.
Devilishly
clever, don't you agree?
> Kenobi,
a
>trusted
friend and confidant of Skywalker's
>wife,
Crow:
IfyaknowwhatImean.
> agrees to keep her secret safe,
Mike:
Leading to a thrilling action sequence as
Obi-Wan tries to run dill pickles and
ice
cream past Anakin's watchful eye!
> and later
>helps
her hide the children.
Mike:
[Kenobi] Look, here! This filing cabinet has
drawers you never use.
Crow: I
liked this better when it was a "Lifetime"
made-for-TV movie, with Lindsay Wagner
as the
battered wife buried alive by her
philandering
husband stalking the bulimic baby-sitter
with
a secret they pushed too far.
> "To protect
you both
>from
the emperor, you were hidden from your father
>when
you were born," Kenobi tells Luke.
Tom: [Irish cop] All right, Kenobi, where's
Leia?!
Where is she?!
Mike:
[Kenobi] She's not in this stove!
Tom: [Irish cop] Oh-ho! So she's hidin' in
the
stove, ay?
> "
I took
>you
to live with my brother Owen on Tatooine.
Crow:
[Kenobi] Sorry about his body stench, but
he can't help it. It's glandular.
>..and
your mother took Leia to live as the
>daughter
of Senator Organa, on Alderaan."
>
Tom: You became a dirt farmer, she became a
princess. Fair deal all around, don't
you
think?
Mike:
Some times I think Luke got the short straw.
Crow:
Or at least he lost the coin flip.
>Since
Anakin Skywalker is such a "powerful Jedi"
>(according
to Yoda), he does not fall under
>Palpatine's
spell easily.
Crow:
It takes a whole string of stirring evil
potion-stirring scenes.
> But by exploiting
the
>younger
man's insecurities and by promising wealth
>and
power,
Mike:
[Emperor] Annie? If you cross over to the dark
side, I'll give you these lovely Pokemon
foil
cards...
> the evil sorcerer gradually turns
>Anakin
to the dark side.
Tom: [Eddie and the Cruisers] o/~ On the dark
side!
Aaaaaw, yeah! o/~
> A rift obviously forms
>between
Kenobi and his former apprentice, and
>Obi-Wan
is forced to take action.
Crow:
Star Wars Episode 2: Avenging Disco Jedi!
Mike:
This time, it's personal!
> "When I
saw
>what
had become of him, I tried to dissuade him,
>to
draw him back from the dark side.
Mike:
[Kenobi, tempting] I made cupcakes! Nummy nummy!
Tom: You know, them Jedi respond better if
you use
a surface lure instead of live bait.
> We fought...
>your
father fell into a molten pit," Kenobi
>tells
Luke in Return of the Jedi.
Crow:
[Luke] Whoa, just like the end to "Terminator
2". Hey, that means dad's made of
liquid metal!
Wicked!
> This climactic
>struggle
over the "molten pit" could end the
>second
film in traditional clifihanger
fashion.
Crow:
This story lacks the taut mystery and
suspense found in your average episode
of
"Animaniacs".
Mike: I
question the use of the term "cliffhanger"
here.
Tom: Yeah. I mean, it's Vader. He lives and
gets
evil.
>"When
your father clawed his way out of that
>fiery
pool," Kenobi told Luke,
Mike:
[Kenobi] He tripped on his light saber and
fell in again. Aw, man, that was
hysterical!
> "the
change had
>been
burned into him forever-he was Darth Vader...
>irredeemably
dark.
Crow:
[Kenobi] Plus, he had 'SITH ROOLZ' singed
into his hair.
> Scarred.
Crow:
Blackened with bold Cajun spices!
> Kept alive only by
>machinery
and his own black will."
>
Mike:
And lots of ginsana.
>Of
course, audiences already know that the newly
>created
Darth Vader survived the fall into the
>molten
pit,
Tom: Turns out they were molten Creamsicles,
so it
was just room temperature.
Mike:
He wasn't burned, just sticky.
> but at the time Kenobi thought his
>friend's
death was certain.
Crow:
Still, he started sprayin' semiautomatic
gunfire across the lava, just for
laughs!
Tom: See? Dramatic irony. *Good* movie.
> When he retrieves
>Anakin's
lightsaber (which he saved for Luke),
Mike:
The yet, unborn child named Luke.
Tom: George Lucas' Fetal Jedis!
Mike:
No.
>he
bade farewell to Skywalker, but unbeknownst
>to
Kenobi,
Crow:
...this gave Vader the authority to change
his long distance carrier.
> below him, in the fiery pool of
death,
>a
scorched hand reached up toward life.
Mike:
Then it reached towards the Neosporin.
Tom: [gasping] The Joker was in that pit!
> Anakin
>Skywalker
may well have been dead, but Darth Vader
>was
born.
>
Crow:
Weeks later, when Obi-Wan wasn't invited to
the baptism, he knew something was
wrong!
>This
deadly struggle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and
>Anakin
Skywalker could logically form the central
>conflict
in the middle film,
Mike:
Together with Tom Green, as Dick Buttrubber,
the saucy, uninhibited Jedi!
> but its
ahhonoriented
Tom: Wow!
Crow:
Whee.
Mike:
Huh?
>background
story must be equally compelling. Like
>the
search for the Holy Grail in the third Indiana
>Jones
film,
Tom: Or the search for the Lost Ark, or
perhaps even
the lost stones in the Temple of Doom--
Crow:
What? George reuses his plots? I'm
shocked.
> much of the action in this
character-
>driven
story could be centered around a quest for
>some
great energy source.
Mike:
Sure. The plot's going to be driven by searching
for an energy source.
Crow:
And the first film's going to center around a
trade dispute.
Tom: Tell us another one.
> In Lucas' second
screenplay
>for
Star Wars, which was completed in 1975, the
>primary
plot device was the search for a Kiber Crystal.
Mike:
Did they try the Khyber Pass?
>("The
Kibur (sic] Crystal was a powerful energy source
>which
gave the owner such powers over the Force that
>he
would be all but invincible,"
Tom: Well heck! *I'm* all but invincible.
That's no
big trick.
Mike:
Yeah, become all *and* invincible. Then I'll be
impressed.
> wrote Allan
Dean
>Foster
in Splinter of the Mind's Eye.)
Tom: We also call it a 'twink stone'.
>
Obsessed with
>possessing
the powefful red crystal,
Crow:
His friends eventually had to do an intervention.
> PaIpatine
may
>dispatch
his forces in an effort to find the gem.
Mike:
[deeply] And so, the War of the Raspberry
Ju-Ju-Bee had begun.
>Anakin's
discovery of the crystal might fuel the
>growing
tension between him and Kenobi
Tom: Wow. This is exactly what broke up
Loggins
and Mesina.
> and
provide
>the
tension that otherwise might be missing with the
>audience's
knowledge of Ariakin's survival.
>
Tom: Yep, he found the crystal. *I'm* on the
edge of
my seat...
>
>EPISODE
THREE:
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>
Mike:
Banana Republic?
Tom: Why, I think I just found my favorite
episode
of all time!
>"Once
secure in his office, [Palpatine] declared
>himself
Emperor, shutting him self away from the
>populace.
Crow:
Agoraphobic dictators, and the women who never
meet them! Next Sally!
> Soon he was controlled by the very
assistants
>and
boot lickers he had appointed to high office.."
Mike:
Now, how exactly do you control someone who can
fricassee you with a thought?
Crow:
I'm guessing that they kept him on a perpetual
sugar rush with a stash of Pixie Stix.
>The
implication of this passage from the novelization
>of
Star Wars is that Palpatine himself faced an
>internal
struggle to maintain control of his empire.
Tom: This is straight out of a bad episode of
"The E!
True Hollywood Story."
Mike:
[narrator] Palpatine's agent, Sid Callow,
remembers!
>By
the third film of the new trilogy, the Republic
>almost
certainly has fallen,
Tom: Which means that the Episode 3 title
needs
a change in verb tense.
> and chaos and
anarchy
>are
at hand unless the emperor can demonstrate the
>awesome
power of the "dark side."
Mike:
Flynn sees things the fan way. He knows evil
sells.
Crow:
[Palpatine] The dark side gives you real
rotisserie flavor in the comfort of your
own
kitchen! And it's portable, too!
> Acquiring a
great
>power
source, like the Kiber Crystal, is one way
>to
do that;
Tom: Just like a man, braggin' about the size
of
his rocks.
> the other is to commit some
outrageous
>abomination
that will strike terror into the hearts
>of
those whom he seeks to control.
Crow:
No! Not a Holiday Special!
> He may
choose
>both
paths.
>
Tom: Or he could use the massive organs of
communication to build consensus and
encourage
neighborly conduct.
Crow:
Now where's the fun in that?
>The
emperor's first action is the resurrection of
>Anakin
Skywalker as Darth Vader.
Tom: He then traded Vader and a Jedi to be
named
later for the rights to sign Grant
Hill.
> Perhaps
through a
>montage
sequence, the once-great Jedi could be
>saved
Mike:
Montage sequences--the next great medical
breakthrough!
> and transformed by a life-giving
mechanical
>black
helmet,
Tom: [dramatic] The Holy Grail... The Shroud
of
Turin... [now goofy] A Life-Giving
Mechanical
Black Helmet-Type Thingy!
> along with black robes, a
flowing black
>cape
and "black armor-armor which,
Mike:
Armor-armor! As endorsed by Duran
Duran!
> though
black it
>was,
was not nearly as dark as the thoughts drifting
>through
the mind within."
Tom: So, black then?
Crow:
He's still more colorful than the average goth.
> According to the
Star Wars
>novel,
the Dark Lord, more machine than man,
Crow:
So why doesn't he move in slow motion and make
cool sound effects like the Six Million
Dollar Man?
Mike:
Well... because we don't want to think about
Emperor Oscar Goldman.
Crow:
[shudders] Ergh. Sorry I mentioned it.
> leads the
>emperor's
effort to "hunt down and destroy the
>Jedi
Knights." With the Jedis on the run,
Tom: [McCartney] o/~ Well the rain exploded
with a
mighty crash! As we fell into the.... o/~
> Palpatine's
>plan
for conquest and terror has only just begun.
>
Crow:
o/~ White lace and promises o/~
Mike:
Soon, Conquest would be clerking at Palpatine's
law firm. And Terror would be studying
for its
real estate license!
>Meanwhile,
Kenobi eludes Vader's hunt and, perhaps
>with
Yoda,
Tom: Perhaps with country superstar Dwight
Yoakum...
> undertakes the rescue of the former
>Skywalker's
children.
Crow: I
picture Obi Wan and Yoda standing in the
pouring rain like a couple of dopes, waiting
for a school bus to return.
> Luke and Leia represent
the
>future
of the Jedi Knights and perhaps the only
>real
hope for the restoration of the Republic.
Tom: Except for the lost Jedi, Anastasia.
>"The
Emperor knew, as I did, that if Anakin were
>to
have any offspring, they would be a threat to
>him,"
Obi-Wan explains to Luke.
>
Mike:
They'd be borrowing his car, staying out
'til the wee hours, and tying up the
phone
all night. Why, Vader would have an
ulcer
in no time flat.
>In
a possible denouement for the trilogy,
Tom: -the story would come to an end. But
that's
just *one* possibility.
> Kenobi
>slips
through the Empire's defenses and rescues
>Skywalker's
family.
Crow:
It would have been simpler to call the A-Team,
but no, Obi had to do it all himself...
> Leia and her mother go to
>live
on Alderaan, in the safety of Bail Organa's
>family,
Mike:
Wait, didn't he do this already?
Crow:
Aw, hell. Lucas blew up two Death Stars, I'm
sure he can rescue two sets of Vader's
kids.
Small logistical problem, but he'll work
it out.
> while Kenobi delivers Luke to his brother
>Owen
Lars,
Tom: From planet Mars?
Crow:
He goes out at night, and eats up cars!
Mike:
Cadillacs? Lincolns too? Mercury and Subaru?
> possibly stopping first on Dagobah
to
>bid
Yoda farewell.
Tom: [Kenobi] I flew all the way out here,
billions
of miles out of my way, just to tell you
bye, Yoda. Whaddaya think about *that*?
Crow:
[Yoda] Moron, you are.
Mike:
Obi, he's a puppet! Wake up!
Tom: Woo! Good one, Nelson! Man, think what
kind of
loser spends all his time talking with a
stupid
puppet! Heh-heh!
> (When he arrives on
Dagobab,
>Luke
tells R2-D2 "there's something familiar about
>this
place,"
Mike:
[Luke] This looks like that planet we just
landed on!
> suggesting that he has some
childhood
>memory
buried deep in his subconscious.)
Tom: Recovered memory syndrome! Luke's going
to
have a full slate for his pain and
anguish
suit against Vader.
Crow:
Than again, he might just be remembering his
high school trip to Jersey.
>
Obi-Wan
>then
settles on Tatooine, not far from his brother's
>moisture
farm,
Crow:
Giving him plenty of chances to drop by to
borrow cups of spice, of course.
> changes his name to Ben and
awaits
>the
day when young Luke will heed his own call
>to
adventure...
>
Mike:
One day, Luke is going to head off to Lolapalooza....
Crow:
[narrator, sly] But that's a story, for another day!
Tom: Let's take a road trip of our own.
[The
bots and Mike stand up and exit the theater.]
[1 . .
. 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The
Bridge]
[Mike
stands behind the control console, flanked
by Tom and Crow.]
Mike:
Well, I guess I don't really need to see
Phantom Menace now. Or for that matter,
any other Star Wars films for the next
decade. Hmm, maybe I'll go to that
"Matrix" film I've seen
advertised...
Crow:
Oh, please, Mike. Like that'll be any
good. I mean, Keanu Reeves is in it.
Tom: Besides, I'm sure that there's still
plenty of time for these films to be
punched up a bit.
Crow:
And Tom and I, taking a clue from our
author, have some suggestions to Lucas
on how to improve them.
Mike:
Okay, I'm game. What 'cha got?
Tom: Well, I'd start Episode I a bit
differently.
I'd have the Jedi embark on a hunt to
find
"The Chosen One"; a child who
would fulfill
some sort of prophecy.
Mike:
I'm with you so far.
Tom: But, they realize that going out and
searching the entire galaxy would take
an exorbitant amount of time. So, they
concoct a plan to have the kid come to
them.
Mike:
Still sounds good. How are they going to
do that?
Tom: Well, they make these gold tickets and
distribute them in candy bars across the
galaxy. If you find a golden ticket,
then
you get to come to Coruscant and be
tested. And four of the kids will be
real
jerks. Oh! And there'll be a Sith guy
there named Slugworth trying to convert
the kids over to his side...
Mike:
Tom? I think that's been done.
Crow:
Besides, they don't have paper in the
Star Wars Universe. They'll have to
stick
PADDS in or something.
Tom: Well, let's hear you do better,
goldenrod.
Crow:
Fine. I'd start off by focusing on the
romance between Luke and Leia's mom and
Anakin Skywalker. Mom and Anakin fell in
love back on Tatooine. Mom was the
daughter of a lowly moisture farmer and
Anakin helped out around the farm. To
prove
his love for her, Anakin set off on a
trip
across the galaxy, but his ship was
attacked
by spice pirates, and he was lost. So,
it
was arranged for Mom to wed an
Alderaanian
prince...
Mike:
Crow?
Crow:
... But while she was out riding her dewback
one day, she was abducted by a Rodian, a
Giant Wookie and a Jedi Knight out to
avenge
the death of his father by the hands of
a
six fingered man...
Mike:
Crow?
Crow:
But Anakin wasn't dead! Rather he was trained
by the Dread Pirate Hutt to become a
space
pirate!
Mike: Okay,
that's enough. Crow? Why don't you
and Tom collaborate on a script while I
check up on how Pearl's doing?
Crow:
Oh, all right.
Tom: Say, how about setting the movie on the
night before Anakin and a bunch of his
buddies head off to college?
Crow:
Ooh! And Anakin can wander around town
chasing after his dream woman and he'll
get advice from Shistavanen Jack!
Mike:
[Sigh] Pearl? How ya doin' down there?
[The
Convention.]
[The
line still stretches into the distance,
although it has moved indoors. Pearl, looking
none too pleased, remains surrounded by
extras.
One of them is chatting with her.]
Man: ...so that's when I walked up to George
and
said, "Sir? Could I have a line?
Please?"
Well, he looked at me for a second and
then
he had one of his people beat me
senseless!
If you look closely in scene #22, you
can
see my arm sticking out from behind the
rocks in the main docking bay...
Pearl:
[To the camera, sarcastically] Oh, I'm
doing great, Mike. I still haven't been
able to leave, and I've spent the past
half hour talking to "Hoth Trooper
#6."
So, I'm having just a peachy time.
[Brain
Guy enters carrying a stack of plastic
cups.]
Observer:
Pearl? I've been unable to find a
booth selling soda, although I was able
to procure these empty cups for you...
Pearl:
Well, that does me a lot of good, Brain
Guy. Now go back out there and find me
something to drink.
Observer:
But Pearl, there's nothing drinkable
for sale here...
Pearl:
[angrily] Look, there's 10,000 people
here! I'm sure that some entrepreneur
has decided to start selling drinks.
Find him and buy me one!
Observer:
I suppose I could go outside and
collect rainwater in this cup...
Pearl:
Yeah, you do that.
[SoL]
Mike:
So, we're done, right? We've read your
story, after all.
Tom: ... how about this: Anakin is a
freighter
pilot and he drives this black spaceship.
He picks Mom one day along the road...
Crow:
Oh! And he's being chased across the
galaxy by space cop Beauford T. Jedi!
Tom: Yeah!
[The
Convention]
Pearl:
Yeah, I guess you're done.
[Observer
re-enters, soaking wet, carrying
another cup, which he hands to Pearl.]
Observer:
Here you are.
Pearl:
Thanks. Okay, Nelson. You're done
for today...
[Pearl
lifts the cup to her lips and begins
to drink, only to perform a spit-take a few
moments later.]
Pearl:
Brain Guy! What is this swill?
Observer:
I'm afraid that I couldn't get
outside to collect some rainwater, but
there was a gentleman near the door
selling ...
Pearl:
And you paid money for this?!?
[SoL]
Mike: I
hope things get better for you,
Pearl. [to the bots] Guys? We're
done.
[The
Convention]
Pearl:
Not so fast, Mike! If I have to suffer,
so do you! I'm sending up Flynn's script
for Episode Three!
[SoL]
Mike:
But we were finished!
[The
Convention]
Pearl:
You were until Brainy tried to poison
me!
Observer:
Pearl, it's only a Diet Pepsi.
Pearl:
And have you ever tasted Diet Pepsi?
Observer:
Well, no.
Pearl:
Trust me, it's poison. Get back in the
theater, Mike.
[SoL]
[The
lights are flashing merrily. Crow and Tom
seem rather oblivious to the din.]
Mike: I
don't believe this.
Crow:
Or how about Princess Leia's Mom hooks
up with one of her friends after Vader
dumps her and the two borrow a
landspeeder
and go on a cross country adventure?
Tom: They could hook up with Brad Pitt!
Crow:
Great idea!
Mike:
Guys, forget the movie ideas! We've got
MOVIE SIGN!!!!
[Mike
hits the lights and the door sequence
begins.]
[6 . .
. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The
trio sullenly walk in and take their usual
places.]
Crow:
Well this is getting better and better. First
we miss Mike's birthday. . .
Mike:
It's not my birthday . . .
Crow: .
. . and now we have to see this film out
of sequence! We'll completely miss the
themes carried over from the first
films!
Tom: Oh! Anakin can be a psychopathic
psychiatrist
who eats his victims and Kenobi is the
FBI
agent who's tracking a similar killer!
Mike:
It's over, Tom. Let it go.
>
>
>
>
>STAR
WARS:
>
Crow:
The Demi Moore- Bruce Willis breakup!
Mike:
Hey, look! Colon Powell!
[Mike
chuckles until Crow and Tom glare at him.
He cowers.]
Mike:
Sorry.
>EPISODE
III
>
Tom: The Hunt for Hutt!
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>
Crow:
Screenplay by William Shirer.
Mike:
[agent] Nah, we need somethin' snappy-
"Final Gunplay", "Jedi
Heat", "Dark
Conflict 2". That sort of thing.
>Story
Treatment By
>John
L. Flynn
>
>
Crow:
Giving new meaning to term 'Speculative Fiction'.
>
>
>Adapted
from Part 1:
>
>"The
Adventures of
>
>Obi-Wan
Kenobi"
>
Mike:
Across the Eighth Dimension.
Crow:
Obi wan? Then he should get out in the sun more!
Heh. Because he's "wan", and
it's so... so sad.
>The
Journal of the Whills
>
Crow: A
fanzine dedicated to that most lovely of beings,
Willow Rosenberg.
Mike:
Let's not start this again, okay?
>By
George Lucas
Tom: Oh, like we're SO impressed.
>
>
>
>
Crow:
Ahhh. A movie that appreciates the sound of silence.
>
>
>
>
>
>
Tom: Space. The final frontier.
>
>
>
>
>
Mike:
[exhaling] So.
Crow:
Yup.
Tom: Doin' the space thing here.
Crow:
Pretty much.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Tom: [testily] Fully engaged in separation
procedures.
Crow:
Still, this is Flynn's best use of nothing
to date!
Mike:
Oh yes. The vacuity fairly crackles from the
page.
>
>
>
>STAR
WARS III: FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
Tom: Yeah, we KNOW, all right?! Start already!
Mike:
Easy Tom. It's just the header.
>Story
Treatment By John L. Flynn
>
Crow:
Boyle?
Mike:
Nah, I think he's eaten in the last month.
> FADE IN:
>
Crow:
[Flynn] "Gregor Samsa awakes to find himself
transformed into a huge
cockroach..." Aw, that'll
never work!
> MAIN AND CREDIT TITLES SUPERIMPOSED ON THE
> BLACK OF OUTER SPACE -- pinpointed with
> piercing stars, several moons,
Crow:
Green clovers, and blue diamonds...
> a planet,
Tom: Generic planets. Just as good as regular
ones, but at a fraction of the cost.
> and a bright-colored nebulae.
Mike:
George is going all out for this opening crawl.
> As TITLES
end --
>
> The following is related in the story,
roll-up
> format:
>
>Long
ago, in a galaxy far, far away,
Mike:
Just in case you missed the introduction before
the main title.
Tom: Sounds like the Department of Redundancy
Department
has co-author credit.
> the Old
Republic was
>crumbling
away, rotting from the corruption and treachery
>within.
Crow:
But thanks to unconditional foreign aid from the US,
it stayed afloat forever, while Luke
Skywalker died
of pancreatic cancer!
> Power-hungry technocrats and wealthy
bureaucrats
>maneuvered
and bribed their way into office,
Tom: Which was fine, since the secretaries
really ran the
place anyway.
>
while one am-
>bitious
senator plotted to destroy the Jedi and rule the
>galaxy.
>
Crow:
And *nobody* can stop Bill Bradley!
>Hoping
to restore virtue and the remembered glory of the
>Republic,
the High Council of Senators dispatched the Jedi
>Knights
- protectorate of justice in the galaxy -
Tom: --Also available for birthday parties.
> on a
>quest
to retrieve the lost Kaiburr Crystal.
Mike:
Which, unbeknownst to the Jedi, was actually wedged
behind Ki-Adi-Mundi's couch.
>
They believed
>that
the small diamond-like object (which intensified the
>power
of the Force) would unite the disaffected among the
>people
Crow:
Creating a hideous force of conscientious objectors
that would sweep all things decent and
gentle
before it!
> and would destroy the corruption around
them.
>
>However,
within their Council, the evil Senator Palpatine
All: o/~ Was hatching a nasty scheme! o/~
>had
other traitorous designs.
Tom: [Palpatine] Here, let me show you my
traitorous
preliminary sketches... this is just a
traitorous
artist's concept, mind you.
> Foreseeing that
the Crystal
>would
secure his position as Emperor, Palpatine deceived one
>of
the Jedi Knights and sent him to acquire the Crystal.
>
Mike:
And now, we rejoin that Jedi, Ernest P. Warrell...
Tom: Why can't the quest object ever be
something less
corporeal? Like mercy, or the faint
scent of lilac?
>DISSOLVE
TO:
>
>
>
>
Crow:
Something several spaces from here!
>
>September
6, 1983
Tom: Wow! It's like we're really back then!
Crow:
Look! There's Rick Springfield!
Tom: And Mr. T.!
Crow:
McLean Stevenson's chatting with Bo Derek!
Mike:
Enough, guys.
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
2
Crow:
OK, the index should be here. Look for the
comics and the weather.
Mike:
That's a newspaper, Crow.
Crow:
What, no Fox Trot? Chya! Typical.
>
>
>
>SCENE
1: Sigma Vulcanus -- a new, evolving world, that is con~
> stantly being shook by violent
earthquakes and volcanic
> eruptions,
Tom: But even THEY have ISDN access now.
> and which is devoid of
sentient life-forms.
>
All: Hey!
Tom: Spock, Sarek, and T'Pau are going to be
really unhappy about
that comment.
>
> On the molten, volcanic world of
Sigma Vulcanus, Anakin
>Skywalker,
a handsome, swarthy man with a dignified stature,
Crow:
Ricardo Montalban!
>makes
an important discovery.
Mike:
[Anakin, panicked] My Baywatch beach shoes aren't
fireproof! Owie! Owie! Hothothot!
> Using his
lightsabre (as the
>equivalent
of a divining rod),
Tom: [announcer voice] It slices, it dices,
it finds
underground water!
Mike:
Is there anything a lightsaber can't do?
Crow:
Yep. It can't make "Full House" watchble.
> he uncovers the
legendary Kaiburr
>Crystal.
Crow:
So, the quest object is just lyin' around, buried
like a bottle cap for any dope with a
metal detector to
find it!
Mike:
[feeling gypped] Not even a riddle game. A quest object
without a riddle game's just not even
worth the bother!
> It pulsates with energy and fills
Skywalker with a false
>sense
of power and importance.
Tom: And luscious French pastry cream!
> But before he
can savor his tri-
>umph,
Crow:
Mmm... triumph.
> and return the Crystal to Palpatine, he
is confronted by
>his
old friend, and fellow Jedi Knight,
Mike:
Ed Asner, as Obi's gruff but lovable uncle, Lou Kenobi!
>
Obi-Wan Kenobi and re-
>quested
to explain his actions.
Tom: [Anakin] Well, you remember when we were
sent to
find the super-duper Force-gem doohickey
that looks
like this thing in my hand here?
> Anakin
refuses, and instantly,
>the
two knights draw their lethal weapons
Mike:
Anakin's charcoal pencil technique is stunning--but
Obi-Wan's magic markers fly just as fast!
> and
become locked in
>mortal
combat.
>
Tom: Joe Pesci *is* Kano in Mortal Kombat 3!
Crow:
Maybe he can kill Chris Rock.
> Anakin Skywalker, as if controlled
by another force,
>strikes
swiftly in rage;
Mike:
[Anakin, while fighting] You never put the CAP back on
the SODA!
> but Obi-Wan Kenobi,
the more experienced
>Jedi,
easily deflects the furious blows of his young opponent.
Crow:
[Kenobi, same] Well at least I don't drink from the BOTTLE!
Tom: [Kenobi] Your bullets cannot harm me! My
wings are like a
shield of steel!
>"Let
go of the Crystal, my friend! Its power will consume you
>and
turn you against the Jedi Knights," Kenobi explains.
Mike:
And it'll make your cheeks really puffy.
Crow:
Oh, and he never thinks that's what Anakin *wants* to
happen?
> But the
>words
are unheeded by the young Jedi, and the conflict continues.
Tom: Wouldn't that be sorta implied?
Mike:
[Anakin] I will not heed your words.
But it's nap time.
Let's take five.
>
>
>
> Skywalker attacks Obi-Wan again,
forcing him to discard
>his
defensive posture.
Mike:
Obi-Wan then took the offensive, blaming everything on
the Republicans and violent TV.
> Kenobi parries the
thrust and sends Ana-
>kin's
lightsabre flying out of his hand.
Tom: Planned release. The Parks Service is
trying to
reestablish lightsabres in the wild.
> At
precisely the same
>moment,
a cataclysmic earthquake rocks the planet.
Crow:
Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You decide!
>
The effect
>
>
Tom: Whoa, Ben also knocked the story off the
rail!
It's careening off the page!
>
>September
6, 1983
Mike: A
day that will live in infamy!
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
3
>
Tom: Hey yeah, here's where we get to see the
topless chick.
Whooo!
Mike:
This is NOT a Rupert Murdoch Fleet Street story, mister.
Tom: So... she'll be in a bra?
Mike:
Just read, Tom.
>
>is
devastating: fissures,
Crow:
Eddie! Bobby! Carrie!
> in the earth, crack
open and shout
>walls
of flame;
Mike:
Those are some pretty noisy fissures!
Tom: Eh, there's probably a bunch of rowdy
teenagers with
lavaboards ready to surf right past
them.
> thunder and lightning strike
violently from
>the
sky; and several volcanoes burst and bubble.
>
Tom: The Republic's crack team of
vulcanologists move into
determine the extent of the damage.
Crow:
This is all happening because somewhere in a parallel
universe, someone questioned an order
from Marrissa
Picard.
> The young Jedi struggles to regain
his lightsabre, but
>loses
his footing and plunges,
Mike:
[Anakin, falling] I MEANT TO DO THAAAAAT!
> still in
possession of the Crys-
>tal,
into a pit of molten lava.
>
Tom: Fortunately, it was only mild molten
lava, and not the
spicy kind.
Crow:
He'll be fine, just with a tomato-ey flavor.
>Kenobi
hurries to the edge of the volcano and looks
>down;
Mike:
Oh yeah. Looking. That's what helps magma-induced
dermabrasion.
Crow:
[Obi, wincing] Oo, that's gonna leave a mark.
Yowch.
> but he is too late to save his former
friend:
Tom: Oh, so Anakin gets a little heat
distress, and
suddenly Obi-Wan can't be friends any
more? What
devotion!
>
Skywalker
>is
completely engulfed in lava.
Tom: The only soap made with real pumice, for
cleanliness
you can see and feel!
Mike:
One of the few instances where it IS too late for
Caltrate.
> With tears in
his eyes and
>anguish
in his heart',
Crow:
Not to mention congestion in his sinuses.
> Obi-Wan picks up
Anakin's lightsabre and
>bids
a sad farewell to the body of his friend.
>
Mike:
[Kenobi] I'm gonna miss that handsome, swarthy man with
a dignified stature. Wonder what he did with Anakin?
Tom: [Kenobi] Hey, I bet this sabre could cut
through a
tin can, and *still* slice a tomato!
>CUT
TO:
>
Mike:
The chase already.
>SCENE
~: Jhantor --
Tom: Isaac Asimov's lawyers are on line
three.
> is "the bright center of the universe."
Crow:
Aside from Mos Vegas, of course.
> Highly populated and
technology-orientated, it is an
> old world of many contrasts:
Mike:
It was the best of process shots, it was the worst of
process shots.
> the
huge, domed capital,
> with its elaborate space ports and
transportation sys-
> tems, stands adjacent to an ancient
castle and temple.
>
Mike:
The Republic *is* in trouble if its zoning laws are
breaking down.
> In another part of the galaxy,
Tom: Oh, well I'm glad we established the
scene so we
could CUT AWAY IMMEDIATELY! Jeez!
> on the
capital world of
>Jhantor,
Crow:
[confused] Wait- we went from Jhantor, to *another*
planet named Jhantor?
Mike:
Well... maybe "Jhantor" is the intergalactic word for
"Springfield".
> Palpatine enters his senate chambers
- followed closely
>By
a brash, young courtier named Prince Valarium -
Tom: [warily] Haaa, he's kidding, right?
Crow:
[whispered] Mike, do something! I don't want to read
an homage to the dull parts of
"Spaceballs"!
Mike:
Well, maybe it won't be important.
>
and assumes
>his
place at the head of the conference table.
Tom:
[Palpatine] All right. Let's get this meeting started.
First, Moff Bransen will discuss our
progress towards
ISB 9000 certification, then Admiral
Jakti will detail
our Hunt Down the Jedi Project, and
then Senator Ryandi
will discuss our annual charity drive.
But first, where
the hell are the crullers?
> Valarium stands
>next
to him and whispers in his ear
Crow:
[Val, catty] Can you believe the Secretary of Commerce
wore brown to a formal meeting?
> as
Palpatine's wizened eyes
>travel
around the table from man to man.
>
Mike:
Flying eyes?
Tom: Suddenly, we're in David Cronenberg's
"Star Wars".
> Through a terse discussion with his
cabinet members and
>personal
guard, Palpatine reveals that he has bribed or black-
>mailed
most of the High Council members into voting for him as
>
>
Mike:
[tensely] -as... AS!...
>
>September
6, 1983
Tom: Hardly an impressive title, if you ask
me.
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
4
>
Crow:
[secretary] Paging Four! Paging Doctor
Quentin Four!
>
>President;
but he is concerned with three senators who cannot be
>swayed
- Tars Courtney.
Crow:
What? An original name? Maybe there's
something to this
treatment after all.
> Mon Mothma, and Bail
Organa.
Mike:
Eh, don't worry about "Bail". He always pulls out at
the last moment.
>
He further
>explains
that, once they have been eliminated, he intends to have
>his
troops take over the Spice and Mineral Mines
Mike:
Defended by the crack Herbert Lawyer Brigade.
>
and blockade the
>commercial
shipping lanes.
>
Mike:
He also orders his u-boats to sink any vessels heading
towards England.
Crow:
No, that's Wing Commander Episode 3.
> Several of his personal guard nod
their approval;
Tom: [guard, nodding] Yeah! I like the spice
mines! They got
veins of tiny overpriced jars. Very impressive.
> however-
>two
young officers stand and voice their disagreement.
Mike:
These two, Lieutenant Rosenkrantz and Commander
Guildenstein, will soon be investigating
the Jedi H'ml't
in far off D'nmrk.
> Lieutenant
>Motti
(bright, young and smartly-dressed)
Tom: You know they're evil when they're
snappy dressers.
> and
Commander Tarkin
>(thin,
hatchet-faced with dark eyes) report that Palpatine's mili-
>tary
force (which he has genetically engineered on the prison
>planet)
Mike:
Which will never be mentioned before or again--but hey,
it's something an evil guy would do,
right?
> are en route to the Spice Mines and
Starports and that
>they
are ready to take command of the Starfleet; but they fear
>the
swift retribution of the Jedi Knights!
>
Crow:
The Jedi Wedgie Control tricks were greatly feared in the
Republic.
> "I think I know the best way
to deal with that rabble,"
>Palpatine
announces, standing and walking over to his cabinet.
Tom: [Palpatine] Gentlemen, have you ever
heard of the Celene
Dion/ Axl Rose Chistmas Album?
>"It's
time that I demonstrate my absolute power--"
>
Crow:
It's time for the big musical number!
> Taking a large, crystal globe from his
cabinet,
Mike:
Is that an actual piece of furniture, or does he have
a Minister of Carrying Large Crystal
Globes?
> Palpatine
>strokes
it with his long, well-manicured fingers,
Tom: Addendum to previous theory. If their
fingernails are
short, then they're evil.
> then traces the
>longitude
and latitude lines.
Crow:
Sectored crystal! For the anal retentive scryer!
> The object
begins to glow, and
>(with
ILM's help) conjures a series of images from the planet
>Sigma
Vulcanus.
Mike:
Somehow, I don't see "Fall of the Republic" getting
nominated for the special effects Oscar.
> These images combine and
crystalize on the single
>image
of the dead Anakin Skywalker.
>
Tom: The first law of kids' films: "When
in doubt, show a corpse!"
>LAP
DISSOLVE TO:
>
>
Crow:
[slyly] Oo, yeah, daddy LIKES his lap dissolve!
Mike:
[lecturing] Don't, don't. Don't!
>
>September
6, 1983
Tom: We join the cast of "Square
Pegs" as they move towards
the Donkey Kong machine...
Mike:
Knock it off.
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
5
>
>
>SCENE
3: Sigma Vulcanus
>
> Four shadowy figures - adorned only
in dark, hooded
>robes
(which conceal their identity)
Mike: If
this turns into the first draft of "Eyes Wide Shut",
there's going to be some serious
hurting...
> -
approach the charred,
>motionless
body of Anakin Skywalker and lift him from his firey
>grave.
Tom: Hey, a coffee klatch of
"Bring-Out-Your-Dead" guys.
Mike:
[Cleese] Here's one!
Crow:
[Idle] Ninepence!
> Skywalker's flesh is torn and scabbed,
his hair is
>missing
and clumped in disgusting patches.
Mike: A
quick comb-over should fix that nicely enough.
>
Deep scars trace
>his
face, and his body and limbs are without life.
>
Tom: But his heart will go on!
Crow:
And his neck's been burned in two. But
it's mostly
cosmetic damage!
Mike:
So how'd they get him out of the lava?
Crow:
Pot holders. BIIIIG pot holders.
> They place him on the ground with great
reverence
Mike:
[acolyte] Hm. Guess there's no harm taking a
finger as a souvenir. Maybe pull out
some hair for
the wife.
> and
>begin
to administer to his injuries in an attempt to bring him
>back
to life.
Crow:
Except for one guy, who was hallucinating and trying to
get fired from his position as a
paramedic.
Mike:
John Flynn's "Bringing Out the Dead."
> One robed figure motions to the
other: "Bring me
>the
herbs and remedies."
Tom: And bring me some cole slaw too. I'm
feeling a bit peckish.
> He actually says nothing but is instantly
>understood
by the others.
Crow:
[acolyte] Um, sorry, I was listening. Could you not say
that again?
> A third figure
sprinkles the body with
>a
powder,
Tom: Rubbing salt in the wounds, huh?
> while a fourth looks toward the
stars and begins to
>chant
in a deep, rumbling voice.
>
All: [chanting] A little bit of Sandra in the
Sun. A little
bit of Mary all night long...
> In a matter of moments, the lifeless
body of Anakin Sky-
>walker
stirs, as we
>
CUT TO:
>
Mike:
The high priest's office!
Tom: [Anakin, angry] $20,000 for outpatient
resurrection?!
That's usury!
>SCENE
4:Dagobabah(Introduced in Episode Five: Empire Strikes Bk)
Crow:
The Empire's attacking Burger King?
Mike:
They must be helping Taco Bell out.
> Far across the galaxy, on
the bog world of
>Dagobah,
Obi-Wan Kenobi walks through the dense fog and pauses,
Crow:
[Kenobi] Crap. I'll never remember
where I parked.
>unhappy
and dejected because he has been forced by circumstances
>to
kill his friend.
Mike:
Plus, after "Trainspotting" he had become addicted to that
trendy redrum heroin.
Tom: Mike! No!
> He turns to Yoda, his
eight hundred year-old
>teacher,
Tom: [Yoda] When nine hundred years you
reach, count as good
you will not.
> and says: "I have failed, Master
Yoda."
>
Mike:
[Kenobi] Might I please have a makeup exam?
>
>
>September
6 1983
Mike:
That's hardly a long time ago!
Crow:
Ancient history, for some fans.
Mike:
Oh, great. Now I feel old...
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
6
>
>
> Yoda gives him a contemptuous stare, then closes his
>eyes:
Tom: [Yoda, grumbling] Man, Friday if this
weren't I'd...
> "No good is it to teach you when
vou have not yet learned
>patience!
Humility!"
>
Mike:
[Kenobi] Well I killed him really slow, and didn't brag
about it.
> Obi-Wan shakes his head and offers
an excuse as his re-
>ply:
Crow:
[Kenobi] It's not my fault!
Tom: [Yoda] Know not I where your delusions
you get, laser-brain.
> "But Anakin was my friend,
Mike:
[Kenobi] He and I were going to start a farm! And he was
going to let me keep rabbits!
> The Force was
with him very
>strongly,
Crow:
[Kenobi] Heck! That little hotshot flew his plane and
saved the day!
> and I thought that I could be as
good a teacher as
>you
were with me,"
Tom: [Kenobi] And I was, consarn it.
> He pauses and breathes a
deep sigh: "I fear
>my
mistake may have terrible consequences for the galaxy!"
>
Mike:
Recycled dialogue... Well, he's an
environmentally
friendly writer.
> The Jedi Master points a crooked
finger at him, "Most
>important
lesson have you learned! Now a great burden you carry."
>
Tom: [Yoda] Tonight, visited by three ghosts
you will be!
> Kenobi squeezes his tear-filled
eyes shut and drops his
>head
in defeat.
Crow:
Seven more and we fill the duffel bag.
> But Yoda is immediately at his
side
Tom: Just like Kwickie Koala!
>
to offer
>comfort
and to reveal that Anakin is not dead.
Crow:
[Yoda] Oh! Sleeping he just be. Lively he will be when
Yoda returns from store of pets. You'll
see!
>
He further explains
>the
incidents which have just taken place and foresees a deadly
>conflict.
>
> The Jedi Knight is pale and silent
for a long moment.
Mike:
Psst! Ewan! It's your line!
>Then,
slowly he too recognizes the entire awesome threat that
>Palpatine
has brought to the Old Republic.
Crow:
[Kenobi] The entire clan of Osmonds is traveling to
Alderaan to sing Insane Clown Posse
songs? They must
be stopped!
> He
thinks of the lives
>of
his friends (Lady Arcadia Skywalker and Bail Organa) and
>realizes
that he must leave immediately for Jhantor,
>
Mike:
After all, he's sure to find better friends there.
> CUT TO:
>
>
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
7
>
>
>SCENE
5: Bridge Interior -- a small, saucer-shaped freighter,
> with cramped quarters and a
cockpit-like bridge.
>
Tom: Gee, I can only imagine what we'll see
in the movie.
Mike:
Leslie Nielsen and Robbie the Robot are here to clean house!
Crow:
You know, this sounds vaguely familiar somehow...
> On the starship bridge, Captain
Antilies - a rugged,
>mustached
thirty-year old
Tom: Rollie Fingers!
> - makes final
calculations for his
>approach
to Jhantor
Crow:
[Antilles] OK, so I declare the Jamaican rum, but NOT
the $10 beach towels from Belize...
> when two tractor beams lock-on and bring
>his
vessel to a halt.
Mike:
His only mistake? The humorous "My Other Starship
Also Has A Secret Hold For Smuggling
Rebel Leaders"
bumper sticker.
> His short-range scanners
reveal two
>sentry
fighters, swooping into a holding pattern on his port
>and
starboard sides.
Tom: So, his short range scanners are his
eyes, basically.
> The sentry pilots order
him to heave to
Mike:
[queasy] Already doing it! BLAUGH!
>and
prepare to be boarded.
>
>"No,"
he snarles in reply
Tom: [Antilles] I'll be boarded, but in an
inept,
catch-as-catch-can manner!
> - but quickly
reconsiders,
Mike:
[Antilles] I mean yes! I mean no! Yes! No!
>when
his protocol droid (C3PO)
Crow:
The gold-plated Oliver Hardy.
> and his
ten-year old, Correllian
>cabin
boy remind him that he is out-gunned.
Mike:
Hmmm. Ten years plus twenty...
Crow:
Naah, he wouldn't have given up without a fight.
>
Antilles brings his
>ship
about,
Tom: o/~ Alfie! o/~
> and, in moments, despite his
objections, a handful
>of
Palpatine's troops board the freighter and confiscate his
>cargo.
>
Tom: [trooper] We'll keep these action
figures from losing
their mint condition value at the hands
of the galaxy's
children.
Crow:
[Antilles] You evil scum!
> Captain Antilles curses the officer in
charge,
Mike:
[Antilles] May your offspring wear white after Labor Day!
>
and ex-
>plains
the incident is far from over, as we
>
>
DISSOLVE TO:
>
Crow:
-make Lipton's Cup-o-Soup.
>SCENE
6: Jhantor
>
> When the tragic news of Tars Courtney's
assassination
Tom: The other members of Hole got sick of
her ego.
Mike:
So much for the guy with the original name...
Crow: Tars
Courtney, we hardly knew ye!
>reaches
her embassy chambers, Lady Arcadia Skywalker is shocked
Tom: [Lady] There's gambling in this
establishment!
Mike:
[coupier] Your winnings, madam.
>and
hastily gathers her servants and droids to leave for her
>homeworld.
Tom: Someone was murdered? Quick! Flee the
planet!
> She is a beautiful matron, who is
in the last stages
>of
pregnancy,
Crow:
Oh, no! Waddle she do? [snickers]
Mike:
She's positively aglow! Or is that the
reflection
of the mortar fire through the window?
> and she is fearful for her
unborn child (or children).
>
>
Tom: Maybe she shouldn't have been chugging
Thalidomide before
she left then.
>
>
>September
6, 1983
Crow:
Hey, this film's moving fast! It's all happening on
one day.
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
8
>
Crow:
Mike, do we get hardship pay for riffing headers?
Mike:
We don't get pay for riffing anything.
Crow:
Oh. Just checking.
>
>For
the last several weeks, she has watched the order of Jhantor
>deteriorate
into anarchy under the rule of Palmarine,
Crow:
Who would have thought that instituting a free buffet
would have lead to anarchy?
> and she
>has
made plans to escape, by smuggling her household aboard a
>spice
freighter.
>
Mike:
Well, that's what you get for using Priceline.
> But in the docking bay, Lady Arcadia
and her party
Crow:
-began to regret holding her prom in the docking bay.
> are
>suddenly
surrounded by a heavily-armed detachment of troops,
Tom: AHHHH!!!
Mike:
What?
Crow:
He's having flashbacks to *the incident*, Mike.
Tom: [sobbing] He said I belonged to his
cousin! His
cousin! [sobs]
>activating
their weapons and raising them to firing position.
Crow:
And Operation Turkey Shoot is set to begin!
>She
turns to the officer in charge and demands to know what's
>going
on;
Mike:
[Lady] Brother, brother! There's far too many of
you dying!
> but he doesn't know - he is simply
following orders.
Crow:
Quick thinking, Lieutenant Waldheim!
You'll go far in
this world!
>She
resists his authority, claiming diplomatic immunity; but
>quickly
reconsiders when the voice of evil echoes through the
>bay:
Mike:
It's Richard Simmons!
Crow:
All right, ladies! Let's get our booties shaking! One,
and a two...
>
> "You mustn't be so hasty, Lady
Skywalker!"
Tom: Snidely Whiplash!
>
President
>Palpatine
emerges from the shadows, accompanied by Prince Val-
>arium
Tom: [Valarium, sniveling] I like the way you
emerged from
the shadows there, your evilness.
> and explains that Arcadia, her servants,
her droids, and
>her
pilot
Mike:
But not her personal trainer... and therein lies the plot!
> are being placed under his
protective custody.
>
Mike:
Her dietician was given a stern warning and released
on his own recognizance.
> CUT
TO:
>
Crow:
Ribbons?
>!
Mike:
Well, I guess we're a bit surprised too.
>
>SCENE
7: Sigma Vulcanus --
Mike:
The happiest place on earth!
> The Monastic Order
of the Sith -
> a spartan-like retreat, high atop a
mountain ridge.
>
Crow:
It's hard to get to, but the land's really cheap. But
they've got a T-1 line up there, so it's
not too bad.
> Through a montage of scenes, wherein
Anakin Skywalker re-
>mains
in a coma,
Mike:
Wasn't he stirring before?
Tom: Maybe it's one of those really light
comas you can
interrupt with a car alarm.
> the silent, robed figures
minister to his in-
>juries.
Their task is an awesome one:
Mike:
They must develop a really tasty soft batch oatmeal
cookie before the next full moon.
> First, in a most sophis-
>ticated
furnace,
Crow:
It'll only burn Mahler symphonies and Harold Pinter plays.
> they forge battle armour and
a metal breath-screen
Tom: To prevent that nasty metal breath you
get after chewing tin.
Mike:
Wait- they forged a *screen* in a *furnace?*
Crow:
Took forever to burn all the tiny holes out.
>
>
>
>
September 6, 1983
Tom: [old fogey, chuckling] But now I'm
really dating myself.
>
FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
>
Page 9
>
>
>skull-like
in appearance)
Crow:
Wow! That's one scary page!
> that will cover his
demolished visage.
Crow:
Why stop there, when they can conceal his demolished visage
with sturdy, carefree aluminum siding!
>Next,
they amputate his arms and limbs that no longer function,
Tom: You know, this is where I really feel
for him.
Crow:
[Sniff] Me too.
Mike:
Now he can give a stump speech. [waves] You've been
a great audience! Good night!
>repair
vital organs and encase the torso - forever - in the
>dreaded
armour and artificial respirator.
Tom: Now to glue a party favor in the mouth,
for that touch
of whimsy that says, "I may be
evil, but I'm still me,
dammit!"
> Finally, they restore
>the
severed limbs with intricate computer circuitry
Mike:
Hm. I personally would've used sutures, but I assume
they know what they're doing.
Crow:
He may not be able to lift his lightsabre--but he sure
plays a mean Pac-Man!
>
and revive
>him
from his comatose state.
Tom: [Vader, sniffing] Is that bacon I
smell? And toasted
onion bagels?
> Anakin Skywalker
becomes Darth Vader,
>more
machine than man!
>
Tom: Says so right on the
label--"Machine, fifty-one percent;
man, forty-nine percent."
Mike:
With parts made in Japan, he is the modern man.
> Following his repairs,
Mike:
The robed figures wash and wax Vader's armour.
> the monk-like
figures (still hidden
>under
their hooded robes) begin to instruct Vader in a dark, evil
>parody
of Luke's apprenticeship under Yoda.
Tom: See, I generally avoid doing parodies of
things that
haven't happened yet.
Crow:
Yeah, it just goes over the audience's head.
[The
bots pause, then turn and stare at the back of the theater
for a second, before returning to watch the
screen.]
> Darth Vader is taught
>many
sorceror's skills;
Mike:
And he immediately goes on tour with Penn and Teller.
Crow: I
think this is the course that includes the big all-powerful
spell that can be reflected right back
at him by a mirror!
> he is lectured on the
sinister machinations
>of
the Force
Crow:
[scared] Oh, no, they're showing him how to make
Frappucinos!
> and is shown how to construct an
even more lethal
>sabre
using fragments of the shattered Kaiburr Crystal.
Crow:
His friends wanted Darth to just buy a really big gun,
but no. Darth had to be an artiste and
build a sabre.
> But with
>each
new challenge and skill accomplished, Vader is doubtful of
>purpose.
Tom: [Vader] o/~ Duuust in the wind! All we are is dust in
the- o/~
> He knows he is being trained as a
power weapon
Mike:
The next step up from a power tool, of course.
> - and
>yet,
he cannot conceive why.
>
Crow:
[Vader, dumb] My think box hurts. I want pudding!
Tom: So they stuffed a canned ham in a suit
of armor, and
named it Vader! That's what I'm getting from this.
> Angered by this confusion, and the fear
that his humanity
>(and
manhood) has been stripped away,
Mike:
In a PG movie? They're really pushing
that rating.
Crow: I
always wondered what he did when nature called.
> Darth
Vader strikes out in
>rage
at one of his hooded teachers only to discover an empty robe.
Mike:
Poor Vader. His opponents are always leaving their clothes
behind.
Tom: Turns out his teacher was his imaginary
childhood friend,
Mr. Hottentot.
>He
is momentarily terror-stricken and then mystified as,
Crow:
The phone rings? The kettle boils? What?
> one by
>one,
the hooded figures vanish - in a strangely, compelling way -
Tom: Stripping sensually down to their bare-
Mike:
Let's not go there, please.
>to
reveal a 3-D holographic image of Palpatine.
>
Tom: The Sith seem to have made a stop at
Spencer's Gifts.
> "Yes. Yes." Palpatine taunts him, "Only now do you
conceive
>that
it was my force of will that saved you
Crow:
[Palpatine] Hey! Look at me when my
disembodied form is
talking to you!
> -
that kept you alive
>-
and that gave you life again!"
>
Mike:
[Palpatine, softer and quickly] -after letting you die a
horrible disfiguring death. But anyway!
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
10
>
>
> Darth Vader extends a courtly bow to
Palpatine
Mike:
[Palpatine] Ick! You know how weird it
feels when
your head passes through me like
that? Back up a few!
> and thanks
>him
for his life.
Crow:
Soon after, a lovely FTD bouquet arrived at the Emperor's
door.
> But Palpatine is not
interested in gratitude.
Tom: He wants Hummels. Particularly the Snow
Babies.
>He
is in need of a powerful weanon
[All
giggle and titter. Crow shakes his
head.]
Crow:
Was that weapon or woman?
Tom: Oh, aren't we all in need of a powerful
wean-on every
now and again?
Mike:
Stop.
> and an
obedient servant,
Crow:
Oh, it's THAT kind of a wean-on!
Mike:
Guys? Can we tone it down a bit?
Tom: Tone down a wean-on joke?
> and
>he
reminds the former Jedi that he has the power to crush him
>should
he desire.
Tom: [Palpatine] My wean-on is bigger than
your wean-on!
> He then forces Vader to his
knees and com-
>mands:
Crow:
Should we be seeing this?
Tom: [Palpatine] Wean on me! When you're not
strong! And
I'll be your friend!
Mike:
[shudders] This scene puts the terror in terrible.
> "Now come to me, my servant. I
have an important task
>that
will complete your training!"
>
Mike:
[Palpatine] I'm looking for a nice used car, preferably
a late model SUV. In a blue.
Tom: [Palpatine] Now, quickly! To the Wean-on-mobile!
Mike:
Enough.
>
>CUT
TO:
>
>SCENE
8: Jhantor -- Docking-bay and City Exteriors
>
> Obi-Wan Kenobi's approach and
arrival on Jhantor is un-
>detected
by the planetary defenses.
Crow: He
had cunningly disguised his ship as a Domino's delivery
car.
>
Marshalling his Jedi strength
>and
cunning,
Tom: -he trips and cuts his leg on his light
sabre.
> he is able to slip past the sentries
in the docking-
>bay,
Tom: Obi-Wan cunningly shouted "Hey!
Look over there!" and snuck
past while the sentries looked in
wonder.
> edge by the troops patrolling the
perimeter and reach the home
>of
Lady Skywalker.
Mike:
The rebel ambassador's wife has a charming walk-up
brownstone.
> But when he reaches the
embassy, the huge
>chambers
are silent and empty -
Tom: Hey, it's MC Hammer's house! Neat!
> and there are
no apparent clues
>as
to the Lady's whereabouts.
>
Mike:
But Kenobi knew how to find her. All he had to do was follow
the sounds of Bacchanal debauchery, and
he'd find Lady
Skywalker right in its midst.
> Then, out of the darkness, Captain
Antilles appears and
>confirms
what Kenobi already suspects:
Mike:
[Antilles] I checked. They're not using Folger's Choice.
> The
Lady and her _party
>have
been detained as "guests" of Palpatine in the prison cell
>block.
Tom: Horribly, they're required to provide
their own towels.
Crow:
o/~ The warden threw her party in the county jail! o/~
> After introducing himself (as Captain
of a Correllian
>freighter),
Mike:
The fiend! He told the complete truth!
Crow:
Oh yes, the future of the universe is at stake, but
please! Exchange business cards and
network!
> Antilles explains that he came to
her embassy, seeking
>the
help of the Merchanter's Guild (because of the piracy of his
>goods),
[All
snicker.]
Mike: The Captain's a little possessive there.
> and discovered an R2 unit (Artoo
Detoo) that had slipped
>away
during her capture, cowering in the shadows.
Tom: Shiny white beeping robots are
tailor-made for shadow
skulking!
>
He further re-
>veals
that the R2 unit has monitored her termination notice!
>
Mike:
Is monitoring termination notices Artoo's hobby or something?
Crow:
He's a nutcase, Mike.
Tom: Oh, the stories we could tell you from
last year's Robocon...
>
>
> September 6, 1983
> FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
> Page 11
>
Tom: Hey, sailor! *Heading* my way? Heh,
because it's so-
[starts crying] kill me Mike.
Mike:
No.
Tom: It's the only way I'll stop.
Mike:
Tough.
>
> Realizing that he has little time,
Obi-Wan enlists the
>pilot's
aide;
Crow:
Then sends Antilles off to blubber in a corner.
> and the two men, accompanied by
the stubby, me-
>chanical
droid, hurry toward the cell-block.
>
Mike:
So, they run ten feet, they wait for R2. They run
ten feet, they wait for R2.
Crow:
[Kenobi] Why did we bring him again?
Tom: [Antilles] More targets. Spreads the
gunfire.
> CUT
TO:
>
>SCENE
9: Jhantor -- Palpatine's Senate Chambers
>
Crow:
Two-fisted cloture vote action!
> Palpatine orders his guards to
bring the captured slaver
>to
his senate chambers.
Mike:
[Palpatine] Let's see how he stands up under the red hot
intensity of my motion to table further
debate on amending
the transportation budget!
> While pacing back and
forth,
Crow:
He noticed a really annoying stain on the rug.
>
he examines
>the
individual who stands before him in chains and shrewdly con-
>siders
his fate:
Crow:
[sighs, shakes head] All those clauses, to no effect.
> Boba Fett, the lone survivor of a group of com-
>mados
the Jedi defeated on Mandalore during the Clone Wars,
Tom: Would a "Clone Ranger" pun be
passé here?
Mike:
Probably, yeah.
>
is
>charged
with interstellar slavery and the cold-blooded murder of
>the
Jedi Kane Starkiller (Refer to Star Wars: Episode II).
Crow:
That'll be out in, what, 2015?
> Fett's
>battle-scared
face snears
Mike:
He actually takes his helmet off?
Tom: Flynn has to push the envelope
*somewhere,* you know.
> at the charges,
defending his actions
>as
"righteous vengeance."
>
Crow:
Wow! He even got a line too!
> The evil President stares
malevolently at Boba Fett for
>several
moments, then offers him his freedom (and his confiscated
>slavership)
in exchange for the extermination of the Jedi Knights.
Crow:
And for what's behind curtain number one!
Mike:
[Fett] Sorry. Not good enough.
Tom: [Palpatine] Alright. I'll throw in a
pair of season tickets
for the Cleveland Indians.
Mike:
[Fett] Now you're talking!
>He
also promises him a rich bounty for each Jedi scalp that he
>brings
back;
Tom: OK, now how would Palpatine distinguish
Jedi scalps
from those of, say, hydroponic farmers?
> he wants proof of their deaths -
and no disintegra-
>tions.
Crow:
So, in conclusion, kill them, but leave them basically
intact.
> Fett grins
Tom: [Fett] Call me Boba!
> and replies that he may have
difficulty in
>locating
them since they are scattered throughout the galaxy.
Mike:
The universe is just a large Jedi Blizzard drink.
> But
>Palpatine
reassures him that the task should be an easy one with
>the
President's secret weapon.
>
Mike:
Ovaltine!
>Boba
Fett dubiously agrees, as his chains are unlocked and
>he
is escorted from the chambers.
>
Crow:
[guard] C'mon. I'll show you where da boss keeps da
trampoline.
>
>
>
>
September 6, 1983
>
FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
>
Page 12
>
Tom: You know, if I were doing my Paul Harvey
impression,
I'd be saying that page number out loud!
Mike:
Really?
Tom: Yeah!
>
> As the slaver exits, Prince Valarium
Crow:
Fresh from the aquarium, on his way to the sanitarium.
>
- accompanied by a
>few
personal guards - announces the arrival of Darth Vader.
Crow:
He announces this in a 15 minute song and dance routine.
Tom: Lucas likes those goofy dance numbers.
>Palpatine,
in a quiet whisper, advises Valarium to
Mike:
Have an enema, barium!
>
- personally
> -
supervise Lady Arcadia's execution,
Tom: You are now Assistant Expiration
Facilitator, First Class.
> then
requests that Vader
>be
shown in.
>
Crow:
[Palpatine] Oh, and show him how to use a doorknob.
Note to myself: stop resurrecting the
thick!
> As the guards stand aside, Darth
Vader, tall and threat-
>ening
in flowing black robes and armour,
Mike:
And a *lovely* pink feather boa!
>
enters the chamber and
>kneels
before his master.
Crow:
That would be the guy that installed his rust-proof
undercoating.
> Palpatine smiles,
looking at his
>nightmare
creation in black,
Mike:
Dennis Rodman? [stops] I can't believe I just said that.
> and commands him
to hunt down and
>destroy
the Jedi Knights.
Tom: But Jedi Knights eat many common garden
pests!
> Vader is hesitant
and requests per-
>mission
to visit his wife.
Crow:
[Vader] I know snuggling's going to be hard, honey--but
hey, I'm deliciously evil!
> But Palpatine refuses,
telling his
>servant
a vicious lie
Tom: Oh, so Kitty Kelly gets a royalty!
> that she has been
murdered by his comrades
>and
produces his crystal globe as evidence.
>
Mike:
So, the last three movies gave the toy stores of the world
landspeeders, dewbacks, X-wing fighters,
tauntauns, AT-ATs,
twin pod cloud cars, speeder bikes, and
plush Ewoks. This
offers... plastic balls.
> Seemingly unmoved, Vader' turns to
look at a series of
>images
Palpatine conjures (from the globe).
Crow:
[Vader] I see a duckie... and a horsie... my kitten,
Princess Jub-jub. Ooooo! Bunnies!
>
The images re-create
>-
in holographic form - the treacherous betrayal and murder of
>Lady
Arcadia by two of Vader's fellow knights.
Tom: So in the future, there's a cable
channel dedicated to
Medieval Times theme restaurants.
>
(Note: since the
>images
are too brutal for our saga,
Mike:
Well, in 1983, sure. But now? Hey, you
can disembowel
people in what two or three Saturday
Morning Cartoons
still exist.
> tight
point-of-view camera
>angles
should convey the details.)
Tom: Well, now he's just getting all artsy on
us.
Crow:
Yeah, like George Lucas would DARE to censor John Flynn's
graphic but uncompromising artistic
generalities!
> When the
last image vanishes,
>the
Dark Lord, fooled by the false images,
Mike:
Granted, Vader keeps calling those psychic hotlines too...
>
stands, ignites his
>lightsabre
Tom: Jedi Jimi Hendrix!
> and strikes the crystal globe with
monumental anger.
>And
this rage completes Vader's journey to the dark side.
>
Crow:
You just have to attack merchandising to become a force
of pure evil? I guess overconfidence *was* the
Emperor's weakness!
>
LAP DISSOLVE TO:
>
>SCENE
10: Jhantor -- Cell-Block
>
>
>
>
September 6, 1983
> FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
> Page 13
All: [startled] YAH!
Crow:
[terrified] The header moved! It's alive, I tell you!
ALIIIIVE!
>
> Meanwhile, deed in the cell-block
dungeons,
Mike:
That's not a very safe place for your deed.
Tom: Yeah, get a strongbox at least.
>
Obi-Wan
>Kenobi
and Captain Antilles over-power a pair of detention
>guards
and open Lady Arcadia's cell.
Mike:
I'm surprised they didn't take their young cabin boy
with them. You know--to give him
practice in
communicating under stress.
> Overjoyed
to find her
>still
alive, Obi-Wan embraces Arcadia warmly,
Tom: [slyly] Mm, hot rebels in imperial dungeons.
Oh yeah.
Mike:
Tom, ick! Stop! She's pregnant!
Crow:
Well actually, Mike, many cultures find the fertility
of pregnancy to be highly-
Mike:
[covers his ears] o/~ HEY NOW! I'M AN ALL-STAR! LALALA,
LA! I'm not listening! o/~
Tom: Wuss.
>
then senses the
>pains
of her motherly contractions.
Crow:
Obi, she's clamping down on your wrist screaming for
an epidural! I think we can give the
Force a rest here!
> Antilles interrupts their
>embrace
Mike:
[Antilles] Okay, nobody gets hugs unless I'm gettin'
hugged too!
> and reminds them to save their hellos
until they're
>safely
out of the cell-block.
Crow:
[Kenobi] Please, can you save your reminders about
saving our hellos until we're out of the
cell block for
when we're out of the cell block?
> But, as they
leave the cell,
>Prince
Valarium
Tom: [shocked] He brought his terrarium!
> and his person guards appear
and draw their
>weapons.
Tom: The risk of the heroes getting paper
cuts will keep
the audience on the edge of their seats!
> Antilles exchanges fire with the
guards,
Mike: [dully]
Bang.
Crow:
[same] Bang.
Mike:
Bang.
Crow:
Grimace. Slump. Thud.
>
and Obi-Wan
>and
Arcadia hurry off into the dungeon maze, followed closely
>by
the Correllian pilot.
>
Tom: The Corellian pilot has to escape.
Otherwise who'll
make the graphics software?
Mike:
Yes, every Lucas movie needs at least one inept,
tag-along character.
> Retreating down a linking corridor,
past the cell-block
>armory,
Tom: And he got all this from notes and
hints?
Crow:
Of course! You're not implying he made it up, are ya?
> the two heroes - with their pregnant
fugitive
Mike:
And is Harrison Ford ever gonna have words with HIS
agent after this!
> - decide to
>stand
firm and fight. Captain Antilles charges his weapon
Mike:
Those Super-Soakers can be tough to pump up, huh?
> and
>blasts
away at the detention guards, while the Jedi Knight con-
>centrates
all his thoughts and feeling on detonating the arsenal
>and
sealing the dungeon exit.
Tom: Lady Arcadia prepares to gross the enemy
out by showing
them her placenta.
> But, in the midst of his efforts,
>Kenobi's
heightened senses feel his former friend's rage.
Crow:
[Kenobi] Shoot. He must have realized that I've been
protecting Ashley Judd during her murder
spree.
> The rage,
>in
turn, betrays Vader's thoughts and President Palpatine's sinis-
>ter
mission (to Obi-Wan).
>
Crow:
Whoops!
Mike:
That's what you get for using that cheap Wal-Mart
mind-shielding.
Tom: And here I was hoping the young Mike
Douglas would reveal
the fiendish plot.
> "Whatever you're doing - do it
faster!" Antilles shouts,
Mike:
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard- [sees bots
staring at him] what?
>snapping
the Jedi out of his daze. Kenobi immediately refocuses
>his
energy and,
Mike:
By remodulating the phase variance of his...
Tom: No.
> in a matter of moments,
Crow:
He completely forgot what he was doing.
> the armory explodes, iso-
>lating
the guards from them. However, the noise and excitement
>are
too much for the Lady Skywalker
Tom: And the baby didn't help matters either!
> as she
doubles over in pain.
>
Crow:
Actually, Flynn has the 90's spirit for action movies
down pat.
Mike:
Spotty action peppered by weak story and expensive
special effects?
Crow:
Yup.
Tom: Speaking of spirits, let's let ours free
for a while.
[The
trio stand up and file out of the theater.]
[1 . .
. 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The
Bridge]
[Tom
and Crow stand behind the command console, reading
a magazine.]
Tom: Wow! Look at this. A "Queen Amidala
Futon." Only
$299.99!
Crow: A
"Darth Maul Deluxe Toothcare System."
Tom: I wish I knew who the heck these people
were.
Crow:
Me too. Ah, well. We'll find out soon enough.
Tom: Say. What's a "Jar-Jar Binks?"
Crow:
Beats me. Ooh! But he's got an inflatable
water toy!
Tom: Cool!
[Mike
enters, grinning wildly.]
Crow:
Hey, Mike. Wanna take a look at this catalog
we got?
Crow:
It's full of Episode I stuff...
Mike:
Forget that. I've got something even better.
Tom: Really? What?
Mike:
I've come up with a way to force Pearl to let
us down from here.
Crow:
[skeptically] Uh-huh.
Tom: Oh, this outta be good. Okay, Mike. What
have
you got for us?
Mike: I
was inspired by today's story. The nanites can
create practically anything, right?
[Cambot
pans in for a tight closeup of Mike's face.
The lights dim, and Mike's face is
illuminated from
underneath. Dramatic music begins to play in
the
background.]
Mike:
You see, I asked the nanites to create a
weapon for me. A weapon that will make
this
satellite the ultimate power in the
universe.
I have asked the nanites to build us...
[Dramatic musical sting] ... A Death
Star!
[The
music stops, the lights return to normal and
Cambot pans out to the normal view of the
Bridge.
The bots stare at Mike for a moment, then
burst
into laughter.]
Crow:
What's the matter, Mike? You couldn't destroy
enough worlds by yourself?
Tom: [snicker] Maybe he's trying to start a
chapter
of "The United Brotherhood of World
Destroyers."
Mike:
Yeah, laugh all you want to. But when we get
out of here, you'll be thanking me.
Cambot!
Open the hexfield! Nanites! Show us. . .
the
Death Star!
[Cambot
pans to the opening hexfield, which shows
us. . . nothing. Merely a field of stars.
Cambot
switches back to show the cast.]
Crow:
Mike? It doesn't seem to be there.
Tom: Maybe the nanites lost it.
Mike:
Oh, come on. How can you lose something
that's the size of a moon?
Crow:
Maybe there's a really big couch somewhere.
Mike:
Never mind. I'll just ask.
[Mike
reaches up and pulls down the nanite
"periscope." He then peers into the
scope.]
Mike:
Hey guys?
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
Yep?
[Bridge]
Mike:
Um, guys? Where's the Death Star that I
ordered?
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
Sittin_right_behind_you.
[Bridge]
Mike:
What?
[Cambot
pans back to reveal a grey, tennis-ball
sized sphere floating behind Mike.]
Mike:
AH! What is *this*?
Crow:
[snicker] It looks like it shrunk in the wash.
Tom: Try super-sizing it next time. [snicker]
Mike:
Grr... I'll deal with you two in a minute.
[Mike
grabs the scope and peers in it again.]
Mike:
Nanites? What's the deal?
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
Whadda_mean? You_asked_for_a_Death_Star. We_gaveya
_one.
[Bridge]
Mike:
But it's...?
Crow:
Rather compact?
Mike:
Thank you.
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
So? It_can_blow_up_regular_sized_worlds. Not_your
_jumbo_sized_ones.
[Bridge]
Mike:
Well, can you take it back and give us the jumbo size
one then?
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
Wish_we_could. Can't_though.
[Bridge]
Mike:
Why not? I have the receipt.
[A
tinny voice emanates from the Mini-Death Star.]
MDS:
Attention! We, the Nanites' Resistance Front, have
seized control of this station! Bow
before us!
[The
Nanite World]
Ned:
That's_why. Sorry. Outta_our_hands. See_ya.
[The
Bridge]
Mike:
What? But, your return policy...
[Cambot
pans back to reveal Crow and Tom studying a
document.]
Crow:
Ned's right, Mike.
Tom: It's right here on the paperwork.
Mike:
What? Where?
Crow:
Here. Look through this electron microscope.
[Mike
picks up an object that looks remarkably like a
kaleidoscope and examines the paper while
looking
through it.]
Mike:
But they wrote this in the fine print! And it's
nanite-sized fine print at that!
Tom: Well, their nanite-sized lawyers will
still eat
you alive if you try to contest it.
Mike:
Blast. Well, there goes another bright idea.
MDS:
Surrender to us now! This station has become the
ultimate power in the universe! Kneel
before us,
son...
Mike:
Oh, quiet.
[Mike
casually hits the Mini-Death Star with the back
of his hand. Moments later, it explodes in an
incandescent ball of flames.]
Crow:
There goes another one.
Tom: How many is that for you now?
Mike:
What are you two talking about?
Bots:
Never mind.
[The
movie sign lights begin to flash.]
Mike:
Well, with my Death Star gone, I guess we've
gotta watch the rest of this thing.
We've
got Movie Sign!
[Mike
casually slaps the lights and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . .
. 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The
trio enters and sit.]
Crow:
It could be worse.
Mike:
How so?
Tom: Pearl could have gotten her hands on
that Death Star.
Crow:
Or worse, Bobo might have gotten a hold of it.
Mike:
Good point.
>
>
>
> September 6. 1983
> FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
> Page 14
>
>
>The
Correllian pilots fears she's been hurt by flying scrapnel -
>but
Kenobi says she's having a baby
Crow:
For a minute there, I was worried.
Tom: Starring Elizabeth McGovern as Lady
Arcadia.
> and
advises Antilles take
>her
to the safety of his freighter.
Tom: Yes, go, take her to that big obvious
thing the
bad guys should've confiscated by now.
> He further
explains that he
>must
leave - in spite of his desire to help Arcadia -
Mike:
[Kenobi] If I stay here with you girl, things just couldn't
be the same.
>
to warn his
>fellow
knights of Vader's treachery.
>
Mike:
[Kenobi] Uh, yeah. I gotta run. Lots of Jedi stuff
to do.
You wouldn't understand. Good
luck!
Crow:
Yes, go tell them of his fiendish plot to find the thing
you were looking for, only to get killed
by you and be mad
about it!
>CUT
TO:
>
Tom: The quick?
>SCENE
11: Jhantor -- Palpatine's Chambers
>
> Reporting to the President's chambers,
Valarium reluc-
>tantly
tells of Lady Skywalker's escape.
Mike:
The dope tried to bury it between the minutes of the
Quality Team meeting and plans for his
secretary's
retirement party.
>
Palpatine is angered
>and
quickly orders - over his private comlink -
Mike:
At least he's not entrusting it to IT&T.
>
a division of
>troops
to search the city.
Crow:
When six thousand white-armored soldiers start kicking
down the doors of the local video store,
it's gonna be
hard to keep this a secret.
> He then orders the
arrest of Mon
>Mothma
and Bail Organa to prevent any further interference in
>his
plans.
>
Tom: [exasperated] Well why didn't you just
kill 'em years
ago, ya moron?!
>Turning
to Valarium, Palpatine's face darkens to an insane
>fury.
Tom: [Palpatine] You're the one who jammed
the candy machine
with that Costa Rican coin!
> Blinding energy bolts shoot from his
finger tips, and the
>young
Prince is struck down.
Tom: Good night, sweet Prince!
Mike:
Flights of mynocks sing thee to thy rest.
Crow:
Wow, novelty joy buzzers kick ass in the future!
Mike:
Past.
Crow:
Huh?
Mike:
Remember, "long, long ago"?
Crow:
Oh.
> "Don't fail
me again!" Palpatine
>warns,
as Prince Valarium crawls, like a wounded animal,
Tom: Specifically, a stoat with an ear
infection.
> to his
>side
and gasps, "Never..."
>
Mike:
What, never?
Tom: No, never.
Crow:
Well, hardly ever.
>CUT
TO:
>
Mike:
The World Trade Center, where Ricardo Montablan is
describing his evil plan...
>SCENE
12: Jhantor
Crow:
Willow's disappointing sister.
> -- Docking bay, interior of
saucer-shaped
> Correllian freighter
>
Tom: Escape vehicle courtesy of Ed Wood
Rent-a-ship.
Mike:
Is he trying to hide plot points from his readers?
Crow:
Well, the very dull will have the movie remain unspoiled.
> In the dank, dark hangar-bay,
Obi-Wan Kenobi departs in
>his
starship,
Tom: o/~ Headed for the skies! Singin' COME SAIL AWAY!
COME SAIL AWAY! Come and SAIL AWAY with- o/~
> and Captain Antilles turns his
attention to one of
>his
most difficult tasks.
Mike:
Oh, he's gotta switch the com ports on his modem.
Crow:
Sad.
> With the nervous
assistance of C3PO,
Tom: Looks like that obstetrics expansion
pack paid off after
all.
>he
first comforts Lady Skywalker,
Crow:
[Antilles] Um... you don't look fat? You're... still
every bit as beautiful as the day...
whoever your husband
is married you?
> then helps
deliver her children.
Mike:
I'm a protocol droid, not a doctor!
Tom: He just signs the little slip the UPS
guy left and hangs it
outside the door.
>The
moment is a joyous, mystic one as Luke and Leia take their 1st
>
Mike:
Christmas special?
Tom: Residual checks?
Crow:
Tab of methamphetamines?
>
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
15
Mike:
Ah. Their first header.
Tom: It's a moment that'll live in cinematic
history!
>
>
>breath
and begin crying. But that special sound of babies crying
Mike: I
can only guess that Flynn hasn't been awakened in the
night by that special sound lately.
Crow:
Well, neither have you... unless you've been leading an
elaborate double life!
Mike:
Crow, there are certain things you can learn by hearsay.
>brings
a detachment of troops down upon them!*
>
Tom: Jim Henson's Benedict Arnold Babies!
> *Special Note: The troops should be
costumed differently
> from the stormtroopers
Crow:
John's bold play to bring Edith Head on board!
> because they are
part of Bail Organa's
> personal guard -
Mike:
The rebel leader's guards are arresting her?
Why?
Tom: She made the mistake of giving birth
without registering her
DNA with the Census Bureau.
> but the scene should
cause a false moment of
> suspense for Antilles, and the audience.
>
Mike:
Unexplained confusing things are exciting!
Whee!
> LAP
DISSOLVE TO:
>
>SCENE
13~ Jhantor -- Palpatine's Chambers
>
Crow:
Scene 13 already? Boy, the story moves a lot faster when
you don't care about any of the
characters!
> Still enraged from Valarium's
carelessness, Palpatine plots
>a
unique political move
Tom: [groaning] Great. He's going to try to
be Jimmy Stewart
in "Mr. Smith Goes to
Washington".
> that will destroy Lady
Arcadia's influence
>with
the Merchanter's Guild and further cement his power with com-
>merce
and industry.
Mike:
Try concrete and gravel. Much more effective.
> He first frees a handful
of pirates and bribes
>them
to raid the Spice Mines and Mineral Spings;
Tom: A strike against bottled water! He's hitting the galaxy where
it hurts.
> he then orders
>his
personal troops to eliminate the pirates
Crow:
Don't the Pirates eliminate themselves by June, pretty much?
>
and guard - as well
>as
regulate - the shipping lanes.
>
Tom: But then, the Kilrathi show up and all
hell breaks loose.
Mike:
[narrator] If you die of fright during the "guard the shipping
lanes" scene, John Flynn will buy
you a coffin!
> But, in the midst of his political
maneuvering, Palpatine
>is
struck down - paralyzed - for a few, fleeting moments.
Tom: [disappointed] Oh, now the story'll come
to a screeching
halt!
> When
>he
regains his composure, he is deeply disturbed by a nightmare
>premonition,
Crow:
Dr. Laura will get her own television show!
No!
> a tremor in the Force which
threatens his well being.
Mike:
[Palpatine] So I made some changes! Now I eat right,
exercise- and take Geritol every day!
>He
senses Lady Arcadia's true strengthe - the birth of a son that
>would
one day challenge his power.
Crow:
Oh, so Arcadia's only good to have children?
I can just see
Portman muttering something in the
interviews.
> (But he fails - in his twisted
>wickedness
- to sense the second child!)
>
Mike:
And he missed the "Congrats on the twins!" banner too.
Crow:
As well as the pink and blue cigars that Unkie Herb
was handing out.
Tom: Not to mention the shouts of "Hey!
Did you hear about
that new Skywalker kid? Whew! She'll
look really hot
in a metal bikini someday!"
> Sending his special group of assassins
into Jhantor,
>Palpatine
orders them to kill every new-born son -
Tom: I suppose this means Charleton Heston
will be showing
up later in the film.
Mike:
And Yul Brynner too.
Crow:
[offended] This is sex discrimination! We're gonna sit
here 'til he kills every little woman
too!
Tom: Calm down, Crow. The Evil Emperor
Palpatine is just
scamming his evil plots from the Penguin
in "Batman
Returns"!
>
both in the
>capital
city and the nearby outlands
Mike:
But lay off the suburbs. You don't wanna tick off the soccer
moms.
> - because,
for the first
>time
in his life, he is afraid.
Tom: o/~ I whistle a happy tune! And no one will suspect!
I had-a-portending-vision-of-blood! o/~
> (The character
should be played
>much
like Herod's in the New Testament.)
>
Mike:
What a useful stage direction that is. Thank you, Flynn.
>
>
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
16
>
Tom: o/~ You read 16 tons, and whaddaya get?
o/~
Crow:
o/~ A pretty dull prequel with a scarred Boba Fett! o/~
>
> This brutal action (of Palpatine's)
Mike:
[Flynn] Weren't you *listening?!*
> spawns screams of
>anguish
and unrestrained weeping as the soldiers - unquestion-
>ingly
- carry out their violent task.
Tom: Wow, Storm Troopers are a lot more
sensitive than
I expected.
> (Note; the horror of the
>events
will be merely suggested - and not shown - to our cameras.)
>
Tom: Movies teach us how to deal with
atrocities we can't see!
Crow:
This bites, Mike! How come we got to see Darth all burned
up but we can't see the babykilling?
Mike:
Uh - I need to have a talk with you later.
>
IMMEDIATE CUT
TO:
>
>SCENES
14 TO 18:
Mike:
Wow, five scenes all superimposed on each another!
Tom: It's horribly confusing, so as not to
stand out from the rest
of the story.
> Numerous Worlds -- Each
distinct in their own way
Tom: Never mind how--that's what ILM is for!
>
> Across the galaxy, in a terror-filled
montage of scenes,
>wherein
we glimpse numerous worlds and races, the betrayal and
>execution
of the Jedi Knights is perpetrated.
Crow:
Meanwhile, Michael is at the Cathedral at a baptism...
>
Darth Vader and
>a
handful of Palpatine's assassins barge into an exotic saloon
Mike:
[shocked] An intergalactic fern bar!
>and
eliminate an alien-looking Jedi amidst screams and mass hys-
>teria
from the patrons.
Tom: Boy, the INS is strict in the future!
Crow:
Past.
Tom: Oh, right.
Mike:
Must be an upscale clientele. Nobody
would bat an eyestalk
in the Mos Eisley cantina.
>
> While this is happening, Boba Fett
leads a group of storm-
>troopers
into a docking-bay
Tom: [Fett, hushed, beckoning] C'mon! I found
out where mom
hid the Xmas presents this year! Shhhh!
> and disintegrates
the Knight mending
>repairs
on his starship.
>
Mike:
What? Fett actually does
something? Now I know this is
just a fanfic.
Crow:
So, how many stages of grief are there when you don't know
who the heck these people are?
> And by the time Vader and his cohorts
have slipped into
>the
quarters and strangled a sleeping Jedi,
Tom: I can just see half a dozen people
crowded around the bed
and bumping into the end table.
Mike:
[Jedi] I sense a great disturbance in the GAAAAACK!
>
Boba Fett, accompanied
>by
several trained assassins,
Crow:
There's your answer, Mike--Fett's just along for the style.
> chases down and
executes a fleeing
>Jedi
and his family.
Mike:
Man, when did Jedi become so easy to kill? Even David
Arquette could take out one!
Crow: Why
didn't the Force warn them all what was happening?
Tom: Well... maybe Country 101.9 was
interfering with the signal.
> However, the abomination
of Vader (as well
>as
Palpatine's sinister plan)
Mike:
Not to mention Tuesdays with Morrie!
> is not complete
until he destroys
>the
remaining Jedi Knights as they make a final stand. The battle
>is
fearsome, and the Jedi force manages to kill a large number of
>troops;
but they are vastly outnumbered, and soon, they are mass-
>acred
- to the last man - by Vader's troops.
>
Tom: But they do manage to cover the spread,
so the Emperor
loses his shirt on the side bets!
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
17
>
Tom: o/~ Oh, it's Page, seventeen! You know what I mean! o/~
>
>
> After dismissing Boba Fett and his
troops, Darth Vader
>looks
over the battlefield, at the dead bodies, then takes a
>deep
breath and says,
Crow:
[Vader] Icky! A rat!
> "Kenobi, I will
deal with you myself..."
>
Tom: Can we at least do a call back to a
better line?
Crow:
How about "Aw! I was heading down to Toschi Station
to pick up some power converters."
Tom: Or "How are you?"
Mike:
Or "They're dates. You eat 'em!"
> Obi-Wan Kenobi hears Vader's world
Crow:
Vader's World--the wacky new sitcom, this fall!
> -
but he is too far
>in
space to offer him a challenge.
Mike:
He shouldn't have stopped for that pie and coffee.
> He
accelerates his starship,
>thinking
of his compatriots, and hurries to the planet. However,
>arriving
several hours too late, Kenobi is disheartened to find
Tom: ...that, due to relativity, everyone on
the planet has
aged a hundred years.
>the
dead bodies of his fellow Jedi Knights.
Tom: Uh-huh.
So I guess the Imperial troops just don't like
lingering after a victory, huh?
Crow:
Nope! Kill the Jedi, hit the showers,
and warp to the
nearest sports bar.
> He
unhappily builds
>a
funeral pyre and burns their bodies (in a ceremony befitting a
>viking
hero).
>
Mike:
[sighs] Which attracts Vader's attention, he presses a
button, and the planet explodes.
> He then examines the broad, huge
footprints in the sand,
>and
whispers Darth Vader's name.
>
Crow:
It's the shoes, right? Money's got to
be on the shoes.
> CUT TO:
>
>SCENE
19: Jhantor -- The Alderaan Embassy -- Well-guarded, the
> building is deceptive in its heavy
fortification.
>
Tom: I for one can't get enough detail about
things the
audience can't see.
Crow:
You mean like, what the point of any of this is?
> With very little military effort, a
special detachment of
>troops
take Captain Antilles, Lady Skywalker and party
Mike:
-to a delightful bed-and-breakfast run by some local Sand
People.
> through
>the
defenses of the Alderaan Embassy and deliver them to a dark-
>ened
conference room.
>
Mike:
Does it normally require a lot of military effort to move
people through corridors?
Tom: Rommel lost two divisions during
"The Great Dusseldorf
Corridor Move" back in '40.
> Bail Organa, Viceroy and 1st
Chairman of the Alderaan
>System,
enters the room and apologies to his guests for frighten-
>ing
them with his personal guard;
Crow:
[Bail] They're auditioning for parts in "Scream! The
Musical!" and they're a bit too enthusiastic.
> but he
confesses that his cau-
>tion
is not without warrant:
Tom: Oh, not that awful 80's hair band!
> Jhantor was full
of spies and assassins
>
Tom: They should have sprayed for them.
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
18
>
>
>and
the R2 unit (in her embassy) could have been a clever trap.
Mike:
Well... a trap, anyways.
Tom: [Bail] And the coffee machine is a spy!
Crow:
[Arcadia] Yes, dear.
>He
further explains that his colleagues had put too much trust
>in
the stability of the Republic, failing to realize that
>while
the body might be sound, the head was growing diseased
>and
feeble, and they were all dead!
Crow:
Bail sorta bailed on that metaphor.
Tom: To be fair, the Republic wouldn't run
very well with
deceased officials.
> There is
deep bitterness
>in
his voice, and genuine concern for Lady Arcadia.
>
Mike:
[Bail] I'm bitter and concerned!
> Antilles and Arcadia accept his
apology and anxiously in-
>sist
upon diplomatic sanctuary.
Tom: [Arcadia] I'm anxious and forgiving!
Crow:
[Antilles] I'm... aw crap, I don't think I'm anyone at all!
Who the heck am I?!
> But, as news
of Palpatine's
>takeover
of the Merchanter's Guild and the galactic shipping
>lanes
reaches the Embassy, the outlook is grim!
Tom: [Bail] Now I'm grim, but informed!
Mike:
The cash flow situation's critical, and stock prices are
way down!
>
Organa curses
>loudly,
suddenly realizing that there was nothing he could do to
>prevent
the fall of the Republic
Tom: Well, you could take your case to the
people and inspire
them to take arms against their
oppressor.
Mike:
Nah, it's 11:30. I say surrender and
take an early lunch.
Crow:
It's in the script! If it's part of Lucas' vision, it
ain't going anywhere!
> and guarantee
their safety.
>Pragmatically,
he prays for their salvation
Tom: Pragmatic prayer? What?
Crow:
o/~ Oh lord, won't you buy me, some sensible shoes? o/~
> by
the Jedi Knights
>(unaware
of their extinction), then orders the immediate evacu-
>ation
of the Embassy.
>
Mike:
Outside, throngs of Vietnamese citizens wait anxiously
as the helicopters head towards the
Embassy...
>CUT
TO:
>
> SCENE 20: Jhantor -- Palpatine's
Chambers
Tom: [hushed prayer] Oh please be another
talky scene where
nothing happens?
>
> With grim anticipation, Darth
Vader, the Dark Lord of the
>Sith,
Crow:
[grandly] Elder Conductor of Shiny Time Station...
> kneels at his ruler's feet and reports
his success.
Mike:
[Vader] I scored third row tickets for Yanni, dude!
> Palpatine
>is
pleased that his servant has eliminated all but one of the Jedi
>Knights
and smiles - with evil delight -
Mike: I
guess it could have been with pleasant blandness.
Tom: You'd know. Heehee.
> at
Valarium
> and the other members of his cabinet.
He then asks the fate
> of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Crow:
[Vader] He, um, took that camp counseling job, sir. He won't
be bothering us again.
> Vader is hesitant
and replies that he and
> Kenobi have a private matter to
settle!
Mike:
[Palpatine] Oh, girl trouble, huh?
Well, keep it outside,
and try not to break my begonia sets.
>
But that answer is
> not satisfactory enough.
>
Tom: [evilly] In fact, it's nearly
UN-satisfactory!
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
19
>
Mike:
Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nineteen! Nineteen!
Tom: I wasn't really sure what was going on.
I wasn't really sure
what was going on.
>
> Palpatine pauses in his
interrogation
Crow:
Did he even ask a question?
> and boasts of his
>ambitious
plans (of galactic conquest) to Vader
Mike:
Parenthetical boasting! The downfall of
many a vague man!
Tom: [Palpatine] I'm just gonna cruise on
over there and say,
'Hey, baby, wanna be in *my* Empire?'
>
and the others
>that
are assembled:
Tom: Uh-huh.
So he was boasting to the people who were THERE.
Crow:
I'm glad we interrupted the parenthetical boast to clear
that up.
> his fe traitorous
lieutenants
Mike:
Together with his fie, foe, and fum traitorous lieutenants!
Tom: No, I think it's his fay lieutenants. As
in elf-like.
>
have betrayed
>their
superiors and taken control of the Starfleet;
Tom: At least until that non-linear Sisko guy
comes back to
kick some linear patootie.
>
his troops
>have
successfully routed marauding pirates
Crow:
-through the main server. So you should
be able to get
your e-mail now.
> and
have begun to regu-
>late
commerce and industry along the shipping lanes;
Tom: Robert Rubin's "Star Wars".
Crow:
Shipping lanes!!
Tom: Don't try and pretend to be paying
attention.
>
and his po-
>litical
arrangements with greedy landlords, sadistic gangsters,
Mike:
And Oprah!
Crow:
There's a difference?
>and
power-hungry governors have made his power absolute. He ex-
>plains
(that he has told them this to illustrate)
Mike: I
think we got that the first time around.
Crow:
Why is he Mojo Jojo all of a sudden?
> that his control
>is
predicated on his personnel following order,
Tom: [Mojo Jojo] You will obey the things
that I command so as
to do as you are told!
>
even at the cost
>of
their own lives!
>
Mike:
[Mojo] Your dying will be a sacrifice to avenge the murder
of your suicide!
> Pausing a second time, Palpatine
dismisses Valarium,
Crow: I
wouldn't marry'um.
> and
>orders
him to report to the control center. The young prince
>agrees
and bows slightly, a gesture Palpatine acknowledges with
>a
perfunctory salute.
Mike:
[Palpatine] Right back atcha, man. Don't ever change.
Catch ya at Spago's. Ciao.
> Then he spins and
strides from the room,
>leaving
the Dark Lord looking from man to man in confused silence.
Tom: [Vader] Valarium? Obeying Palpatine's orders? Has the
universe gone mad?
>As
Valarium steps into the corridor, he is grabbed and assassin-
>ated
by Palpatine's guards.
>
Mike:
[Valarium, sarcastic] Oh, et tu, dickweed?
Tom: So! The action in "Star Wars
III" will be backstabbing,
genocide, and child killing! And it's
FUN!
Crow:
Yup, finally a motion picture the whole family can resent!
> Darth Vader then nods his
understanding as the evil Pres-
>ident
reminds: "The fate of those who fail me is death."
>
Tom: [Vader] Failure. Death.
Got it.
Crow:
The fate of those who succeed? Death
and a lovely fruit
basket!
>
IMMEDIATE CUT TO:
Tom: I'm glad it's an immediate cut. I hate when the camera
just stands there for twenty minutes.
Crow:
Awkward.
>
>SCENE
21: Jhantor -- Docking-bay
>
Crow:
[sighing] ANOTHER docking bay, John?
Mike:
The budget of "Star Wars III" must be like twenty-two bucks
or something.
Tom: All spent on catering.
> In the docking-bay, the massive evacuation of the Alde-
>raan
Embassy is taking place under tight security.
Crow:
Yet somehow Jack Ruby is spotted carrying a hand gun and
a picture of Bail Organa.
Mike:
o/~ We're leavin', ON an X-Wing! Don't
know when- o/~
>
The humming
>of
elevators and the moving of heavy equipment echo through the
>large
chamber
Crow:
Wow, it's so quiet. Everyone seems to be taking the
infanticidal dictatorship right in
stride.
Tom: [Alderaanian] Evacuate our homeland and
leave loved ones
behind? Oh well, no biggie. I'll just
stoically wait to
board the plane.
> as the bustling flight crews
make ready their
>
>
Tom: Suitcases with unpredictable wheels.
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
20
>
>freighters
and the pilots perform final checkouts.
Mike:
Landing gear?
Tom: Check.
Mike:
Engines?
Tom: Check.
Mike:
Emotional involvement?
Tom: Reading zero.
Mike:
Roger that! We're good to go.
>
Bail Organa,
>with
the "help" of See Threepio,
Crow:
Comic relief gets no respect these days.
Tom: Has it ever?
> supervises his men loading
>supplies
and ammunition, while Artoo Detoo aids the Lady Arcadia
>with
her two infants. Captain Antilles is suspiciously nowhere
>to
be found.
>
Crow:
Well Obi-Wan's not there. Why isn't THAT suspicious? Hmmm?
Mike: He's
off selling Alderaan U's play book to their arch rivals
at Clak'dorr Tech.
> Momentarily, the defensive sensors
sound alarm
Tom: [office worker] Aw, not another fire
drill. This is so stupid.
> - but they
>are
quickly silenced when the unknown danger is identified as
>Obi-Wan
Kenobi's approaching starship.
Tom: That sentence could so easily have been
replaced by
'Obi-Wan arrived'.
Crow:
So, the alarm goes off whenever something's *coming*.
Mike:
The same attributes that make car alarms such a beloved
part of our everyday lives!
> Once in
the docking-bay,
>Kenobi
emerges from the craft and informs Bail Organa and his
>anxious
troops
Tom: -that the company picnic was moving
indoors, due to lack
of oxygen.
> that the Jedi Knights have all
been destroyed by
>the
treachery of President Palpatine and the hand of Darth Vader.
Tom: [Obi-Wan] Some of them died from
tonsillitis. I told them
to have them removed, but they didn't
believe me! Damn
them! Damn them all to hell!!!
>A
heart-felt murmur sweeps over the docking-bay,
Mike:
See, some people just pay lip service to incoherent
mumbling, but the Alderaans really mean
it!
>
like a swell in
>a
heavy sea.
Tom: Yeaah! Ride that metaphor!
> The last Jedi knight's second
piece of news is even
>more
grim:
Mike:
They've green-lighted "Basic Instinct 2". It's a musical.
> the Starfleet, under the command of
Palpatine's forces,
>have
formed a perimeter blockade,
Tom: [Bail] Damn. We were hoping they'd form a "let's not
leave the hangars and just shoot'em nasty looks" blockade.
No such luck!
> and their
purpose is to prevent
>Organa
from leaving and force him to surrender his ground troops.
>
Crow:
Well they must not be very good troops if he ground'em up.
Mike:
No, ground troops. Not ground troops.
Crow:
So, ground troops.
Mike:
Right.
> Bail Organa curses quietly to
himself,
Crow:
Organa's a regular trash-compactor mouth.
> recognizing the
>futility
of further conflict.
Tom: George Lucas's "Star Collective
Bargaining"!
> The great leader
Viceroy and
>Senator
of the Alderaan system
Mike:
Winner of the pan-galactic chili cook-off three years
running-
> - has fought
many battles: he
>has
fought along side Kenobi and the other Jedi Knights during
>the
Clone Wars,
Crow:
When rampaging regiments of Dolly the sheep terrorized
the galaxy.
> and has helped to eliminate
piracy and slavery
Tom: But what have they done for us *lately*?
>-
with the crusading Lady Arcadia
Mike:
Crusading Lady Arcadia, and the Crusading Lady Arcadia
Action Crime Lab!
Crow:
[quickly, softly] Comes as you see here. You put it
together. By Marx.
> - in the
formation of the Mer-
>chanter's
Guild.
Tom: Not that we get to see any of this in
this movie.
> But this time, he realizes that he is out-
>matched!
Tom: [dramatic] Organa can't compete with the
power of little
glass balls!
> Organa acquires a comlink from one of
his men and be-
>gins
to broadcast surrender orders to his troops.
>
Mike:
Patrick Stewart, in a role he was born to play!
Tom: First Kenobi can't push enough speed out
of his ship
to warn the Jedi. Now he's making Organa throw in
the towel. Ewan's going to have some
unpleasant words
for the press...
Mike:
What about Kenneth Branagh?
Crow:
Now you're *really* living in the past.
>
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
21
>
Crow:
[Bugs Bunny] Can I stay on one card?
> When suddenly, dozens of Merchanter's
Guild members of
>all
species and life-forms,
Tom: Wow! There's a skink, and a guinea fowl,
and an okapi,
and a protozoa, and...
Mike:
It's Noah's Apocalypse.
> follow Captain
Antilles into the
>Docking-bay
and assemble around Bail Organa.
Mike:
[Organa] Oh, wow! You can all surrender with me!
>
The group of
>freighter
pilots and navigators is an impressive one: There
>are
representatives from Mon Calamari,
Tom: [giggling] What?! That's not a pilot,
that's an Italian
restaurant!
> Bespin,
Sullest, Correllia,
>Mandalore,
Kessel and Alderaan.
Tom: And one from Madison.
Mike:
[as if from far away] Go Packers, woo...
> Some are
wearing fatigures,
[All
snicker.]
Crow:
Fatigures! New army wear from
Veronica's Secret!
Mike:
Try it on *your* special units!
Tom: It's anything but covert!
> loaded
>with
weapons and tools, while others are adorned in their native
>wear.
>
Tom: A few are dressed like French Maids.
Crow:
Those are the Dantooinian Elite Maid Squadron. They
can someone's eye out with those feather
dusters
from almost half a parsec.
> "Some of them still have their
ships - and the others
>will
fly anything we can put in the air."
Mike:
Randy Quaid's going to be flying that biplane again. I
just know it.
>
Antilles reports, and
>the
morale of Organa's men is revived again.
Crow:
[troops] All right! Pilots with no battle experience!
We may be horribly killed yet!
> "And if this action
>makes
us pirates and outlaws - in the eyes of Palpatine's new
>empire
- then we're with you one hundred percent!"
>
Mike:
Unless it forces us to miss "Fraiser", of course.
Tom: [sigh] I just can't get inspired by someone
when I have no
idea who they are.
Crow:
It's simple, Tom. Take the personality of Han Solo. What
you've got left over, is this guy!
> As the two groups of men (and
aliens) hurry off, cheering
>the
success of their united departure,
Mike:
[dumb pilot] Hey, yeah, we left at the same time! Hurray
for us!
> Obi-Wan
Kenobi approaches
>the
Lady Arcadia with his painful secret.
Crow:
[Kenobi] I admit it! I stole a suitcase full of money off
my dead flatmate and had my other
flatmates help me in
concealing the crime!
> He
relunctantly admits
>that
his pride (in the Force) may have betrayed Anakin to Palpa-
>tine
and that the man she once loved was now a hideous monster,
>more
machine than man.
Tom: Obi-Wan Kenobi--Mister Sympathy, 1983!
Crow:
Really. I fail to see how this is a problem.
Mike:
To recap: Vader! More machine than man!
> She is, at first, taken aback,
Crow:
[Arcadia] So, is the man part covered under warranty?
>
chilled
>by
his statement; then, with tears in her eyes, she confesses
>that
she, too, felt him slipping away
Tom: [Arcadia] He just wasn't the more
machine than man I
married!
> - many
months before - and
>was
unable to reach him either.
>
Crow:
Not in time? Try star-six-nine.
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
22
>
>
> Obi-Wan Kenobi and Lady Skywalker
exchange a tender em-
>Brace,
Crow:
Whoa-ho-ho! So *that* was Kenobi's
little plan! Pause a
little here, stall a little there, and
then sweep the
distraught Arcadia off her feet!
> and recognizing the potential danger
that they both
>faced,
Mike:
What if Star Wars became Survivor? They
could get voted
off the movie!
Crow:
Huh?
Mike:
It's a Swedish thing. It probably won't ever show up
in the US.
> they arrange to separate the children
with the hope that
>they
would be united one day as brother and sister.
Tom: Unfortunately, the plan seems to have
eventually slipped Ben's
mind.
Mike:
[Luke] Rescue my *sister?* No way, Ben!
>
Kenobi will
>take
Luke to live with his brother Owen on Tatooine, while Ar-
>cadia
will arrange for Leia to live as daughter of Senator Or-
>gana,
on Alderaan.
Crow:
[snarky] Oh right, your brother and Bail Organa, the
LAST people Vader would suspect! Shyah!
Mike:
How many times has this been explained to us now?
> This way the children would
have a better
>chance
of survival should one (or the other) be discovered by
>Vader!
>
Mike:
OK, should we all say "Huh?" together?
Crow:
[sigh] Let it go. I'm too bored to care
at this point.
> CUT
TO:
>
>SCENE
22: Bridge Interior -- Flagship of the Starfleet* in the
> Jhantor Sear System
>
Mike:
Jhantor! Where Alderaan shops!
> Darth Vader emerges from his
private shuttle and strides
>past
a handful of troops in formation.
Tom: [Vader] Hey Sal. Hey Rick. How's the
little woman?
> His
presense is awesome
>and
threatening as he approaches the starship captain.
Tom: I'm huge!
> Commander
>Tarkin
bows from the neck down
Mike:
What is he--a contortionist?
Crow:
His head stays still, and his body folds up to meet it.
> and advises his
superior that they
>were
ready to annihilate anyone who attempts to run the blockade.
Tom: [Tarkin] There were some power walkers
we had to let through.
I hope that's OK.
>Tarkin
is over confident in his appraisal of the situation, and
>that
reflects in his conversation with the Dark Lord.
>
Mike:
Who, he noted in passing, was more machine than man.
Crow:
[Surfer/Tarkin] We're like totally ready to handle
pretty much anything they throw at us,
dude.
> *Special Note: The Starfleet - at
this moment in galactic
>history
Crow:
Is still wearing those weird pajamas from "Star Trek:
The Motion Picture".
> - is composed largely of heavy
cruisers, destroyer and
>spacecraft
carriers, with a full complement of fighters.
Tom: Hey, look, Lennox Lewis! Evander
Holyfield! Bridget
Riley!
> There
>are
no Star Destroyers, Death Stars or TIE fighters
Mike:
And the cruiser is a washing machine with a caulking
gun taped to the lid.
> because the
>Republic's
Starfleet was used primarily for exploration
Mike:
[Shatner] Space... the final frontier. These are--
thevoyagesof the... Millennium Falcon.
> and occas-
>sional
law enforcement.
Crow:
And as we all know, Star Destroyers and TIE fighters can
only be used for evil.
> However, under the
ruthless command of
>Darth
Vader, it is a formidable opponent.
>
Mike:
Suddenly a molten pit forms in space, and the whole fleet
trips and falls in.
>
>
>
>
September 6, 1983
>
FALL OF THE REPUBLIC
>
Page 23
>
Tom: The headers are actually the most richly
drawn characters
in the script.
Crow:
Oh, I hope they survive this battle OK!
>
> Vader turns to face the Commander,
his towering figure
>looming
menacingly over the officer,
Mike:
[Vader, matter-of-factly] Yeah. I could bench-press you.
> and
Tarkin feels a chill
>course
through his veins.
Tom: Ensign Letterman must have the AC
cranked up again.
> Vader warns that
Palpatine wants
>Bail
Organa and his diplomatic party captured alive (if possible)
Crow:
If not... then, don't, I guess.
>so
that they would face the embarrassment of a public tribunal.
Mike:
As if being executed wasn't bad enough, now they're going
to be embarrassed *and* dead!
>And
the Dark Lord adds that he wants Kenobi (!),
Crow:
One little exclamation mark, and this love triangle's
getting scary!
>
his voice con-
>veying
the image of a dreadful fate (that would be inflicted)
Tom: (upon the person who didn't do it)
Crow:
(and I'm talking to YOU, Tarkin!)
Mike:
[staring] How do you DO that?
Crow:
You don't do it, Mike. It just kinda happens.
> if
>his
commands were not executed.
>
Crow:
Hobgoblins, no...
> Tarkin reluctantly salutes and backs
away from him,
>angered
that their positions were not reversed.
Tom: [Tarkin, whining] Musclehead! He'll never know the joys
of long-distance running!
> He barks several
>commands,
Mike:
Why are Imperial officers always described using canine
imagery?
Tom: Perhaps they come from the- DOG
STAR?! HA!
Crow:
[growling] Good one, Nelson.
> and his troops spring to battle stations.
>
Crow:
Well, it's better than describing their troops as
Slinkies.
>
DISSOLVE TO:
>
>SCENES
23 TO 27: Jhantor Star System -- Various types of space-
> craft against a backdrop of
stars and a brightly
> colored nebulae
>
Crow:
[chanting] Someone's seen Star Trek...
> Alarms sound full alert as the
handful of freighters,
>transport
ships, blockade runners, luxury cruisers
Mike:
And one fast-food wrapper the wind got a hold of...
>
and one-man
>fighters
approach the armada of the Starfleet.
Tom: It's a regular rag-tag fleet.
Crow:
Turnabout is fair play.
> The ships attempt-
>-
first - to cross the blockade with the diplomatic colors and
>symbols
of Alderaan; but, when that fails,
Crow:
They are annihilated. Right?
Mike:
Maybe not. The Force might be with them, or something.
>
they energize their
>main
deflector shields and prepare to fight their way through.
Tom: Jeez, no one's trying to hack into the
other guy's system
to lower their shields? What a gyp!
>(Captain
Antilles and Obi-Wan Kenobi hold their groups up as the
>first
wave attacks. )
>
Mike:
[Kenobi] Let's let the cannon fodder soften up the blockade
a bit first.
Crow:
[grandly] Behold the brave heroes, as they watch other
people fight their battles!
> Keeping a tight formation, dozens
of transport ships and
>luxury
cruisers move in close to the Starfleet armada
Crow:
And shoot cargo boxes and "Bon Voyage" banners at them!
>
- and begin
>blasting
away, while fifty-or-so small freighters and one-man
>
>
Tom: Off-broadway plays? What?
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
24
>
Mike:
[terrified] Oh no, the header darted right into the
crossifre!
Crow:
[desperate] RUN, HEADER! RUN FOR YOUR
LIFE!
>fighters
race across their surfaces, zipping between laser bolts
>as
they engage the small pursuit fighters.
Tom: Not exactly "Ice Pirates", is
it?
> Their plan is one
>of
strategic genius:
[All
snicker.]
Crow:
Blow up all their enemies while not getting shot.
Mike:
John's gotten rather enamored of himself here.
> by flying in close, the
rebel group emascu-
>lates
the fire-power, which is ineffective at close-range, of the
>larger
ships.
Tom: Wow, genius. It's only ever been thought
of by EVERYONE
WHO'S EVER PLAYED 'WING COMMANDER'!!
Mike:
Servo, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...
> Additionally, the erratic and
hot-dog flying of the
>Merchanter's
Guild members confuse and place the military pilots
>at
a momentary disadvantage!
Tom: Yes, bad flying makes geniuses of us
all!
Mike:
Meanwhile, flight controllers across Starfleet are
yelling "Maverick!"
> And that
disadvantage is exploited:
>Antilles
and Kenobi launch the second wave of ships and wait
>tensely
to join the conflict, or make their escape.
>
Tom: [Antilles] If things start looking up
we'll head in,
otherwise we're outta here!
Mike:
The *heroes*, ladies and gentlemen.
*Heroes*.
> However, the heroic efforts (of the
rebel flight crews)
Crow:
To distinguish it from the heroic efforts of the Starfleet,
of course.
Tom: Hey--evil's always equated with coolness
in the Star Wars
universe, and that's just one step away
from heroism.
>are
brought to an abrupt halt by the armada as the heavy cruisers
>fire
broadsides at point-blank range,
Crow: I
thought being in close was what they *wanted*?
Tom: Fickle dogfight.
>
disregarding their own
>safety.
The Starfleet's audacious and dangerous move
Mike:
They fired a gun! GENIUS!
> seems to
>turn
the tide of battle: small one-man fighters scatter, luxury
>cruisers
reverse their engines,
Tom: Small town fisheries are subsumed by
larger conglomerates!
> and freighters
drop their addi-
>tional
weapons and accelerate away.
Crow:
[crew, panicked] They're firing back! No one said
they were gonna fire back!
> But, as
the proton beams
>take
their toll,
Mike:
[wistful narrator] And the sun dips slowly into the sea,
we say goodbye to our fair heroes...
> last ditch, suicide runs are
made by the damaged,
>rebel
craft: a cargo freighter - loaded with weapons and cargo -
Mike:
They aren't going to sacrifice their merchandise, are they?
Crow:
They have to move it off the shelves somehow.
>heads
on a collision course for one of the Destroyers and explodes,
Tom: Then I guess the collision's a moot
point.
>while
a transport ship - mortally wounded in combat - limps at a
>heavy
cruiser and detonates its nuclear engines, destroying his
>opponent
with him.
Crow:
Poisoning the atmosphere of a nearby planet with lethal
doses of radiation.
Mike:
[Spock] The needs of the movie outweigh the needs of the one.
Tom: Kamikaze! It's Japanese for
"stupid"!
> The balance of the small
craft punch through
>holes
Crow:
Oh, punching where there isn't anything is *easy.*
Tom: Punch through a brick wall, and maybe
we'll be impressed.
> and race for open space!
>
Crow:
Where the empire's second flank can pick them off
one-by-one!
>
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
25
>
>
> Captain Antilles, piloting the
saucer-shaped freighter
Tom: With his copilots Gort and Klaatu.
Mike:
You could just name it, Flynn. It's not
like you'll spoil
anything now.
>(with
Bail Organa, Lady Arcadia, and party aboard), dives into
>the
chaos,
Crow:
All right! Mosh pit!
> then steers through the battle.
Tom: Slowing down to rubberneck the wrecks,
of course.
>
Once clear, he en-
>gages
his ship's hyperdrive and soars away at light speed.
>Several
pursuit craft follow - but their weapons are ineffectual
>against
his ship's deflector shields
Crow:
Guess they should have upgraded to Atomic Napalm
Neutralizers while they had their
chance.
> and their
ion-propelled en-
>gines
are no match for his.
>
> In another sector of the battle,
Obi-Wan Kenobi's starship
>swoops
past an engagement
Crow:
Mr. and Mrs. Bail Organa would like to announce the engagement
of their daughter Leia Organa to Mr.
Eugene Hanford Solo.
> and accelerates into
space,
Tom: [Kenobi]
Your-sacrifice-will-long-be-remembered-thanks-bye!
>
pursued by
>Darth
Vader's flagship. Kenobi executes a series of stunning
>maneuvers
in an effort to loose the Heavy Cruiser;
Crow:
That's its name? How dull.
>
but he quickly
>realizes
that it will not be easy to shake.
Mike:
Yeah, a big ship like that, picking it up and shaking it's
gotta be a bear.
>
Marshalling the
>Force
around him, the last Jedi prepares for a death-defying stunt.
Tom: [gasping] He's buying a dot-com
start-up! The fool!
>He
then guides his starship into the nebulae;
Crow:
What nebulae?
>
and with his de-
>flector
shields (and the Force) at full intensity, Kenobi flies
>through
the core of the exploding star.
>
Tom: Exploding star? Is this the hallmark of
Lucasfilms? Making
stuff blow up?
Mike:
Flynn consulted the same guy for scientific advice that
the people from "Deep Impact"
and "Armageddon" did. And
he used as much of that info as they
did.
> Darth Vader stands silently on the
Bridge of his starship,
>-gazing
in disbelief at the-brightly-colored nebulae.
Crow:
[Vader, dumbfounded] That wasn't there at the beginning of
the scene! The hell?
> He demands
>
the scanning sensors probe the area for any sign of the Jedi knight
Mike:
[Vader] Oh, and scan for a tailor. I snagged my cape on
something.
> -
but the results are negative! Gravely disappointed, the Dark
>
Lord orders the Flagship returned to the fleet and walks away,
>
sensing that they would meet again.
>
>
Tom: Don't know where, don't know when.
>
>September
6, 1983
>FALL
OF THE REPUBLIC
>Page
26
>
Crow:
[excited] Look! The header! It's OK!
Tom: Oh my god, I can't believe it escaped!
Mike:
Our faith in good is restored! But- for
how long?
> The victory is an incomplete one for
Palpatine's forces.
>His
Starfleet has destroyed or captured nearly three dozen ve-
>hicles
Mike:
Mostly Chevy Novas, unfortunately.
> - but scattered throughout the galaxy
were rebelous pi-
>rates
and outlaws that he would one day have to deal with!
>
Tom: [flatly] Oh, no. The tension.
Crow:
But not tonight. This is Palpatine's time. For Palpatine
to take care of himself. Sit. Relax.
Have an evil bubble
bath.
Mike:
Evil bubble bath?
Crow:
Well, with like, scorpions and stuff.
> LAP
DISSOLVE TO:
>
>SCENES
28 TO 30: EPILOGUE --
>
> Jhantor -- Emperor Palpatine, with
Darth Vader, the Dark
>Lord
of the Sith, at his side, smiles malevolently and plots his
>next
move as his assembled troops chant: "Long Live Palpatine!
>Long
Live the Empire!!"
>
Tom: [Trooper] Long live Cheez Whiz!
Crow:
[Trooper] Long live AOL!
Mike:
[Trooper] Long live the artist formerly known as Prince!
> Alderaan -- Lady Arcadia Skywalker
- now a common servant
>in
the Organa household - sings her daughter to sleep
Crow:
With a delightful mix of Marilyn Manson songs.
>
under the
>watchful
sensors of Artoo Detoo and See Threepio,
Tom: [Threepio] If she hits a wrong note,
grease her.
> while Bail
>Organa
awards Captain Antilles with a commission in his service.
>
Mike:
We're up to a zillion split-screens now.
Crow:
[Bail] Now you'll have my massage ready at eight, then
coffee and biscuits- with honey, never
jam- back the massage
at ten, wake me for canasta at
four-thirty. Then massage,
massage, and back to bed at eight.
> Tatooine -- Obi-Wan Kenobi, the last
Jedi Knight, delivers
>the
infant boy to his brother Owen Lars,
Crow:
Is this where he grabs the whip to scare off the lion and
cuts his chin?
Tom: No, this is where he falls into the
snake pit.
Crow:
Ah.
> then
disappears into the
>desert
wasteland,
Mike:
[Kenobi] o/~ I'll live in the desert, use The Force with
no name. o/~ HA!
> awaiting the day when Luke
would claim the light
>sabre
of his father (from him)
Tom: No, actually from the Mos Eisley pawn
shop.
> and become a man.
>
Mike:
As opposed to becoming more machine than man, which would
be bad.
Crow:
And on that vaguely Freudian note, we...
>
>FADE
OUT.
>
>
>
>
Mike:
Ooh. Nice prescience there, Crow.
Crow: Well,
the future do I see.
Tom: Theater leaving we are.
[The
Bridge]
[Mike
and Crow stand behind the command console.]
Mike:
Well, that was odd.
Crow:
Yep. They might as well have called it "My Dinner
with Palpatine."
Mike: I
just don't know where to start. Why did the Jedi
just let themselves get picked off like
that?
Crow:
Oh, and why did Obi-Wan send the kids to the places
where Vader would be most likely to look
for them?
Mike:
Why was Flynn trying so hard to suggest what
Antilles' ship was?
Crow:
And why all of the Clinton bashing?
Mike:
Huh? Clinton wasn't in this.
Crow:
He might as well have been with the number of times
that you brought him up.
Mike:
Oh, come on. He's the President! He's a legitimate
target for satire.
Crow:
Satire yes, but you were just mindlessly attacking!
Mike: I
was not!
Crow:
Oh, just tell them how to find the dibs list.
Mike:
Hrpmh. Fine. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List,
send an e-mail to majordomo@pinky.wtower.com
Crow:
Clinton sucks!
Mike:
... with the message "subscribe dibslist [<your name>]"
in the message body. And then...
Crow:
Clinton sucks!
Mike:
...just wait a few hours...
Crow:
Clinton sucks!
Mike:
...and the fast paced world of misting is yours!
Crow:
Clinton sucks! Hillary sucks! Gore sucks! They suck
suck suck suck SUCK!
Mike:
Oh for the love of-! I sound nothing like that!
Crow:
Yes you do. It's like you're stealing riffs from
the American Spectator or somethin'.
Mike:
[defensive] I don't think I'm being that partisan.
Besides, *you* guys bought me that
subscription.
Crow: I
thought it was a magazine about riffing!
[Tom
enters, carrying a small book.]
Tom: Hey Hannity? Colmes? You two mind
putting aside
the debate for a sec? I think I've found
out what
happened to Flynn.
Mike:
Really?
Tom: I was reading George Lucas' biography
"Ewoks?
What was I thinking?!?" and I came
across this
passage.
[Tom
sets the book down, open, and the trio gathers around
it and reads aloud.]
Crow:
February 1, 1984. I met with a young man who tried to
convince me to take a look at his script
for a Star
Wars prequel. I declined, but told him
to contact me
later if he thought of anything else.
Mike:
August 18, 1984. I met with that determined young
script writer again. He presented me
with a script
based on a beloved cartoon character.
Some duck
who drives a taxicab. I've never heard
of him, but
the writer assures me it's quite a popular book. I
decide to green light the film. It
should be a huge
hit.
[Trio
gives a collective shudder.]
Mike:
Suddenly I've lost all feeling in the fingers of my
left hand.
Crow:
From these humble beginnings sprang the single most
disturbing love scene in screen history!
Tom: Hey, wait, there's more!
[Tom
resumes reading.]
Tom: December 18, 1986. I have found that
accursed writer
who convinced me to make this film. He won't
be
bothering anyone in Hollywood again. But
one thing
concerns me; before my men "dealt
with him" he
mentioned that he'd finished another
script,
something called "Ishtar."
Hopefully, we shall
never hear that title again.
[Mike
closes the book, and the trio look up, pondering.
After a moment, the call lights activate.]
Mike: I
suppose we should see what Pearl wants.
[The
convention]
[The
line still stretches off into the distance, but
a hazy light can be seen in the distance.
Pearl
stands in the queue, looking annoyed as ever.
Behind her, a heavyset man with a beard
speaks
to her.]
Bearded
Fan: ...so, since I'm a filmmaker, I've been
subtly sneaking Star Wars references
into all
of my films. Why, in my second film I
got to
practice my Jedi mind skills while Jason
and
I were trying to wreck this dating game
type
thing. Boy, that was...
Pearl:
[Exasperated] Look, don't you have something
else to do? Why don't you go make a cartoon
or something? [sotto voce] And leave me
alone.
[The
fan's face lights up.]
Bearded
Fan: A cartoon? Yeah! I can put Dante and Randall
in it! I can sell it to ABC! Thanks,
Pickle!
[He
exits.]
Pearl:
That's Pearl! Arrgh. [to the camera] Mike, right
now all I care about is getting out of
this blasted
center. How the experiment went doesn't
matter
anymore.
[The
Observer enters.]
Observer:
Pearl, I've completed my recconoiter, and I'm
afraid you're still twenty minutes away from the
exit.
Pearl:
What? Oh for Pete's sake. Why the heck are all
these people here? It's just a stupid
B-grade
Kid's movie!
[The
convention goers go silent and turn, enmasse, to
glare at Pearl and Observer.]
Pearl:
Uh-oh.
Observer:
Pearl? May I suggest that we RUN FOR OUR
LIVES!!
[The
pair rapidly exit, stage right, followed quickly
by a multitude of enraged fen.]
[SoL]
[Silence]
Mike:
Huh. Pearl seems to have gotten in a bit of trouble.
Tom: Think we should help her?
[pause]
Mike
& Tom: Nah.
[Mike
taps the lights and the screen collapses with a... ]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- FWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Crow:
[V.O.] So we're just going to let her fend for
herself? Have you gone Social Darwinist
on us, too,
Mike?
Mike:
[V.O.] Oh, hush.
Mystery
Usenet Theater 3000: "Republic's Fall"
Written
by James Flynn
Misted
by: Matt Blackwell, Keith Palmer, Brendan
Herlihy, Douglas Gale and Eric Schepers.
Use of
copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
commercial
parody, review, entertainment and commentary purposes
only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by
Best Brains, Inc., Lucasfilm, Twentieth Century Fox, John
Flynn
or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.
No
personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional
except for those who aren't , and any
resemblance
to
actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
"Star
Wars" and its related characters and situations are
trademarks
of and copyrighted [c] 2000 by Lucasfilms and/or
Twentieth
Century Fox. All rights reserved.
"Mystery
Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2000
by Best
Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved.
Brought
to you with funding from Jhantor House, your source
for
holocubes, Padds and the latest MP3 droids.
Keep
circulating the posts.
Twaaaaang.
8/13/00
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> He
is in need of a powerful weanon and an obedient servant
----------------------------------------------------------------------