"The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double
Blitzkrieg Debacle"
=== PART 3 of 4 ===
Written by Peter W. Guerin
Misted by Matt Blackwell, Tyler Dion, Douglas Gale,
Brendan Herlihy, Bill Livingston, Eric Schepers,
Harold Tessmann III, Rebo Valence, and Valeria
==========================================================
[Mike stands behind the command console of the bridge, holding
a coffee mug in one hand. A small
coffee maker sits nearby on
the console.]
Mike: Well, nothing like a nice cup of coffee to take your
mind off an experiment. [mumbling]
Now, if I could just
remember where I put the whisky...
[Mike lifts the mug up to his lips and begins to drink as Crow
and Tom enter. Tom sidles up next to
the coffee maker.]
Crow: Hey, Mike. Tom and I think that we've figured out what's
wrong with this story...
Mike: And just what -
Tom: [To the coffee maker] Hey, babe.
Does heaven know one
of their angels is missing? Heh,
heh.
Mike: Tom. It's a coffee maker. We've discussed this before.
Tom: Mike, she's just playing hard to
get.
[Mike sighs and turns back to Crow.]
Mike: Okay, Crow. What's wrong with the story?
Crow: Well, this story is ostensibly based on Daria, right?
Mike: Theoretically, yes.
Crow: So, just what, exactly, is it missing?
Mike: Crow, if I answered that, we'd be here all day.
Crow: Good point. I'll just tell you then. Every episode of
Daria has a soundtrack, full of
hip songs that appeal
to today's youth. And with that in
mind, Tom? [Tom is
still whispering sweet nothings
into the coffeemaker's
ear] Tom?! [nothing] TOM!!!
Tom: What?! I'm makin' time with the babe here!
Crow: Wheel it in!
Tom: Well I would if you'd let me... Oh
- oh yeah, the
whatsit! Gotcha. [Tom exits, stage
right.]
Crow: Poor sap doesn't even know it's a *Mr.* Coffee.
Mike: Crow, you didn't invent something again, did you? I'd
think the whole hologazebo thing
would've put you off
that...
[At the mention of the name, Cambot pans over to the open doors
of the hologazebo. Beyond the doorway,
jets of fire stream up
into the sky. A deep, evil, maniacal
laughter can be heard in
the background.]
Crow: Hey, cool!! I didn't know we had the "Gates of Hell"
program running! Hmm. Come to
think of it, I don't even
recall buying that program
either... I guess they must
have bundled it in.
[Tom re-enters, pushing a cart, with a fancy looking piece
of equipment on it.]
Tom: Mike? May I present... the
Soundtrack-o-tron!
Crow: Yes, this little bit of magic will add an appropriate
musical number to whatever scene
is going on!
Tom: It's a marvel! It's a wonder!
It...
Mike: ...looks kind of like my stereo with a cheap calculator
pasted onto it.
Crow: Well, that too. Anyway, let's try it out!
Mike: Can I go hide in the storm shelter?
Tom: Nope. Let's say that Daria has
been mistakenly invited to
a party at Sandi's house. We just
activate the Soundtrack
-o-tron annnddd...
[The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up and, after a few moments of
"computer beeping" FX, music
begins to play on the bridge.]
Music: o/~ If you want to be with me,
baby there's a price to pay.
I'm a genie in a bottle.
You gotta rub me the right way.
o/~
[The music continues to play in the background.]
Tom: See? An appropriate piece of
background music.
Crow: Now, let's pop over to Jane and Daria sharing
a pizza at the pizza shop while
they discuss
Ms. Li's latest scheme. And...
[The Soundtrack-o-tron lights up again, and music again plays
in the background.]
Music: o/~ If you want to take my picture
Cause I won't remember...
Do you want to take my picture,
Cause I won't remember... o/~
Mike: Okay, I guess that works.
Crow: See? Okay, Daria's at her Aunt Miriam's funeral and
we hear in the background...
[Crow activates the Soundtrack-o-tron, which begins to play.]
Music: o/~ I like it when the beat go (Dut dun, dut dun)
Baby make your booty go (Dut dun,
dut dun)
Girl I know you wanna show (Dut
dun, dut dun)
That thong, th-thong-thong-thong
o/~
Mike: Um, that seemed a bit off.
Crow: Well, the Soundtrack-o-tron might have been aiming
at a different demographic on that
one.
Tom: Obviously, it was aiming for
someone hipper than *you*,
Mike.
Mike: Hey!
Crow: Moving along... Tom?
Tom: Let's say that Daria is going out
on a date with
her dreamboat, Trent. And...
[The Soundtrack-o-tron goes active and the music begins
to play anew.]
Music: o/~ You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals... o/~
[Crow lunges over and shuts off that track.]
Crow: Heh. That one may be just a bit *too* cutting edge.
Tom: Let's try this, Daria and Helen
are going shopping
at the mall...
[Sountrack-o-tron. Lights. Music.]
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas
Getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain... o/~
Mike: Okay, that one's just plain wrong.
Crow: Just a system glitch. Tom, next example, please.
Tom: Daria's at her aunt's wedding
having a heart
to heart talk with Quinn.
[The Soundtrack-o-tron activates...]
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
Crow: Heh. Let's try Jane's boyfriend has a skiing
accident.
[The Soundtrack-o-tron activates...]
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
Tom: Jake loses his job, again!
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
Crow: Daria saves the Vice President's life!
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
[The sign lights begin to flash.]
Tom: Daria and Jane save Christmas from
an evil wizard?!
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
Crow: Daria Morgandorfer has the Sixth Sense!
Music: o/~ If you like pina coladas... o/~
Mike: Guys, leave it alone! We've got Daria sign!
[Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 10: The Truth About Amazana
Yoriko
>
Crow: With Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofolo!
>Dr. Vander Helffen looked at Daria like a teacher would with a
>troublesome but promising student.
Mike: [Helffen] I know you can get this Daria.
Truth is beauty,
beauty is....?
Crow: [Daria] Um....shoes?
Tom: Mary Jo Letourneau *is* Dr. Vender
Helffen.
>
He sensed that he had her
>undivided attention.
Mike: The fact that Daria is tied to the chair probably adds
to that feeling.
> He was about
to speak when Yoriko arrived;
>she had landed the Neo-Zero at an airfield near the facility.
>She stepped in and approached the two of them.
>
Tom: [Yoriko] 'Scuse me, I lost my Korn
CD, and I need it for
my next bombing run.
>"I guess you may know this individual by now," Dr. Vander Helffen
>said. "This is Amazana Yoriko.
Mike: Oh, yeah, her CEO was Time's Man of the Year.
> She
is the nominal head of the
>NIRAA, but I wield the actual power in the organization.
Crow: [Yerko] Yeah, I'm just a figurehead!
A powerless- [stops]
What?
> As you
>can see, she has bombed Tokyo with the Neo-Zero with complete
>impunity.
Crow: In fact, complete Neo-impunity!
> Don't think that you and
your Sailor Senshi friends
>will be able to defeat us; we are too powerful to stop."
>
Tom: [Helffen] Sure Amazana just parked
our only weapon
outback, unguarded but we'll never
be defeated!
Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. Look, that "execution" thing is starting
to sound pretty good. You think we
could skip to that
bit?
>He continued, "And now I think it is time that I told you about
>myself, Yoriko and the aims of the NIRAA.
Tom: What the heck is this, freshman
orientation?
Mike: [Helffen] Our mission statement is to be proactively
customer-driven while seeking ISO
9001 compliance.
>
Take a look at me:
>how old do you think I am.?"
>
Crow: 90.
Tom: 15.
Mike: I never was good at this type of game.....um, 20?
>"My best guess would be in your late 30's," Daria replied.
>
>Dr Vander Helffen then launched into his exposition of himself,
>Yoriko and the NIRAA:
>
Mike: Well, there's no pretense here. You gotta give the author
that.
Crow: Nope, when he does mindless exposition, he's very up-front
about it.
>"What if I told you that I am actually 89 years old.
Mike: That's fantastically amazing!
Tom: And look how fast he chops this
tomato!
> It is due
>to the 'Hi no Tori' Immortality Pills that I take.
Tom: [Helffen] Everytime Tori Spelling
gets another breast
implant, I'm re-energized.
Mike: Wow! He really *is* going to live forever!
> But I will
>get to that later on.
Mike: First let me give tell you the 800 number to call and
order this marvelous anti-aging
product.
> What matters
now is that you will hear
>about myself."
>
Crow: Hey Mike, doesn't the Geneva Convention prohibit exposition?
Mike: They wouldn't care anyway, Crow.
Tom: [Hellfen] Repeatedly, and in great
detail. Leaving out
nothing. I will now proceed to
tell you these things about
which I have previously outlined.
>"I was born to one of those old Junker families in the German
>province of Prussia.
Crow: [Helffen] We were poor, but we had each other! To use as
guinea pigs for our hideous
experiments in genetic
mutation, I mean.
> I witnessed the humiliating defeat of
>Kaiser Wilhelm and the Imperial Army at the hands of the decadent
>Americans.
Mike: Quonster? Is that you?
> I swore that I would
never again see my beloved
>Germany be humiliated.
Crow: [Daria] Then came World War Two.
Mike: [Helffen] I'm not listening! Lalalalalalala...
> I went to
the best schools in Germany and
>eventually entered the then young fields of genetics and
>cryogenics.
Mike: [Helffen] My goal was to genetically engineer the greatest
musical talent the world has ever
known.
Tom: [Daria] Say, I could probably do a pretty good reenactment
of that scene in "The Deer
Hunter" If you'd let me...
> When Adolf Hitler
organized the Nazi Party,
Mike: He supplied the History channel with enough material
for 20 years of programming.
> I joined
>and offered my services to the Fuehrer in creating the 'Master
>Race' that he sought to have.
Tom: [Daria, desperate] William Tell!
You could put an apple on
my head, wear a blindfold! Try to
shoot it off! Huh? That's
a fun, non-talking thing we could
do!
> When the Nazis rose to power I
>received approval from the Fuehrer to conduct more experiments.
Tom: [Helffen] It took me five years,
but I finally figured out
how to get the hard boiled egg
down inside the milk bottle!
>I carried them out on the inferior Jews and crippleds."
>
Mike: This is a subtle sign to the reader that he's not a nice
guy.
Crow: [Daria] I'm guessing the experiments involved yammering
on about stuff I don't care
about? Look, if you just drop
a bullet down my throat I'll probably choke on it!
>"But my greatest achievement was when I created the 'Hi no Tori'
>Immortality Pills.
Mike: [Daria] Do you even *have* a gun?!
> When the Nazis
conquered North Africa, an
>ancient text from Egypt was brought over to me.
Tom: Turned out it was a scroll titled
"101 Dumb Sumerian
Jokes".
> This text had >been
copied from ancient Chinese documents dating back to the
>time of Master Kung himself and made its way through India, Iran,
>Saudi Arabia and finally over to Egypt.
Crow: But not before a 6-hour layover at JFK.
Mike: [Daria, growling] Uh-huh. What about rope? You can make a
real sturdy noose out of a good
length of rope!
>
It was an ancient
>formula for creating an immortality pill that allegedly came from
>the legendary Phoenix itself;
Tom: The Legend of the Immortal Jean
Grey!
> 'Hi no Tori' is Japanese for
>'Firebird' or 'Phoenix'.
Mike: Meaning "City with a large number of retirees."
Bots: Ahhh...
> Apparently
the writer had been to
>Japan, where the Phoenix appeared to him in a vision with
>Amaterasu-Omikami, the Sun Goddess, and her brother, Susano, the
>Wind God.
Crow: Whaddya know, Jon Souza's got a life after all!
> The recipe called for the
rarest of ingredients, which
>even today are very hard to procure.
Tom: Yeah, you know how hard it is to
find a VCR made in the
*US*?!?
>
But procure them I did, and
>created the first batch. I have
taken the pills since I was in
>my early 30's."
>
Crow: Well they've clearly improved your lung capacity! You
wanna stop and inhale here, buddy?
>"It was the creation of this pill that led me to my next task:
Mike: Quite a "To Do" list for the mad scientist there.
Crow: Yeah. I wish he'd add "Shut
Up" to it at some point.
>Creating for the Fuehrer a race of 'Ultra Soldiers' who would
>defend the Fatherland from the American subhumans and exterminate
>the Jews, crippleds, Gypsies, and other inferior races.
Tom: Unfortunately, Marvel and DC had
both done that before,
and threatened to sue.
> I toiled
>throughout the War to create the serum.
But, when I finally
>perfected it, the final assault on Berlin had begun, and the
>Soviet armies were closing in on me.
Mike: [Daria] OK! I get it! You're Hitler's mad scientist and
you're taking over the world! Can
I die now please?
>
I ran to the Japanese
>Embassy and they conducted me out of the country,
Crow: As the Allies were really friendly with the Japanese at the
time.
> but not before
>I found out that my beloved Fuehrer and Eva Braun had killed
>themselves.
All: [losing it] AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Tom: *WE DON'T CARE!!! SHUT UP!!!*
Crow: [panicking] Mike, do something!
I'm staring to get
flashbacks from "Deep
Hurting"!
Tom: [same] *NO! Not the sandstorm!* *ANYTHING* but the
*SANDSTORM!*
Mike: [anxious] OK! Guys, it's OK! Just concentrate on the
riffing, and we can get through
this. Let it wash over
you.
> I decided to go to
Japan and hopefully give to them
>the Ultra Soldier formula and thus at least help them defeat the
>Americans.
Crow: The damn fools gave it to Astro Boy. [snarling] Really
good call on that one, guys.
> However, the military
leaders would not hear of it
>from me.
Tom: [Helffen] They had wisely purchased
earplugs before our
meeting.
> Remember, they, and not
Emperor Hirohito were in actual
>control; the Emperor was a mere puppet in their hands.
Mike: The Emperor was a woozle, and his name was Peanut.
Crow: I dunno, the idea of a puppet as emperor is strangely
appealing.
> I stayed
>in Tokyo and hoped that they would be desperate enough to finally
>come to me.
Crow: [Helffen] When that didn't work, I threatened to hold my
breath until I turned blue.
> However, the Americans
soon used their atomic bombs
>on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the militarists surrendered."
>
Tom: This will all be on the World
History Mid-Term, by the way.
Crow: Wait... wait, that sounded like an ending to me!
Tom: Hey, yeah! Guys, I think we made it! Ha!
Japan! Pht!
Mike: See, it wasn't so bad!
>"However,
All: [in agony] *AAAUGH!*
> that soon proved to be a
boon to me.
Mike: [panicked] For the love of god! He's *booning!*
Tom: [same] He's speeched more than
Captain Kirk and Plato
combined, and he's *just getting
started!*
> Shortly before
>the atomic bombings,
Crow: Thousand volunteered for the Kamikaze program, just to
escape the sound of my voice.
> I had learned
that Gen. Tojo Hideki had an
>illegitimate child as a result of an affair he had with a
>prostitute who lived in the pleasure quarters of the Ginza.
Tom: [Helffen] As soon as I heard the
word prostitutes, I knew
I had to investigate.
Mike: Meanwhile, Brick tells Tawny about his secret affair with
Colt's evil twin sister, Angelica.
> As
>soon as the American occupation forces arrived, I knew I had to
>act quickly.
Crow: [Helffen] So I subscribed to Boy's Life and did my dry
cleaning.
> They wanted to seize
the child from its mother as
>punishment for her infiltrating American lines disguised as a
>runaway Korean comfort woman and wheedling out secrets from the
>American soldiers, which she then told Gen. Tojo about.
Tom: Pat, I'd like to buy some punctuation.
Mike: Yerko? Could you maybe pop one of those cacophonous
faux-music CD's you like so much
in the stereo there?
Crow: Yeah! Put the volume at 11! Melt
my brain! That'll solve
things!
>
They
>wanted to take the child to the United States, put her up for
>adoption and erase any memory of her ancestry.
Crow: Elian Gonzales Tojo, everyone!
Tom: [whimpering] Oh, what I wouldn't
give to erase any memory
of this fanfic!
Mike: Guys, come on! You're wallowing! It's not helping!
Tom: Oh, eat me, Nelson!
> They were afraid
>that if there was a child of Tojo's who was aware of his or her
>heritage, he or she might organize a new extremist organization
>that would take over Japan.
Crow: What *is* an extremist organization in Japan, exactly?
Mike: I don't know. Probably some "Accept Foreigners As Equals"
kind of a group.
> I,
however, got to the prostitute's
>home first,
Crow: [Helffen] Luckily, I just happened to be in the area at
the time...
> and promised the woman
that I would take care of her
>girl
Tom: [Helffen] I then remarked on how
hot it was, and removed
my shirt.
> Soon enough, the American
forces arrived at her house, and
>got so incensed that they could not find the child that they
>arrested her, charged her with espionage, and had her executed."
>
Mike: [Helffen] Imagine that! Charging a spy with espionage!
What do you think of your precious
America now, hmm?
>"Meanwhile, I had spirited her away with me to Argentina,
Tom: Where they blended right in.
Crow: Before or after her execution?
> where I
>lived for a while.
Mike: [Helffen] I lived next to a Mr. Hilter. A strange fellow.
> There I injected
my first batch of 'Ultra
>Soldier' serum into her, but there was an unexpected reaction;
Mike: She developed a crunchy breaded coating and became delicious!
Tom: [Helffen] Suddenly all my
assistants sang, o/~ When Captain
America throws his mighty shield!
o/~
>the results were unstable.
Crow: Wow, an experimental formula that doesn't work right the
first time. Didn't see that one
coming!
> I was
forced to place her in
>cryogenic stasis until I could create an antidote.
Mike: [Helffen] So I stuck her in the freezer next to my other
mistakes, Andrew Dice Clay and
Howie Mandel!
> It took me
>twenty-five years for me to do that, during which I refined the
>'Ultra Soldier' formula.
Crow: Turns out just stickin' the word "Soldier" onto a tube of
"Ultra Brite" toothpaste
doesn't actually do anything!
Mike: Oh the bright side though, the formula now has a Cool Minty
flavor.
> When I
finally got her out of cryogenic
>stasis, I used the antidote on her, then used the refined
>formula.
Tom: [Helffen] But first, I used an
electric blanket on her!
She was colder than a brass
monkey!
> The results were amazing.
Tom: [Helffen] It worked perfectly...up
until she died.
>
She now can lift 65 tons
>over her head,
Mike: [Helffen] Or is that her typing speed?
I forget.
> has the endurance of
fifty men, and is in better
>physical condition than the best Olympic athlete.
Mike: She can even outskate Oksana Baiul.
Crow: If he has *her*, why does he need the plane?
Mike: [quietly] I don't-
> I began to
>indoctrinate her on Nazi philosophy, using of course the
>Fuehrer's classic text 'Mein Kampf'.
Mike: So, you taught a Japanese girl about the superiority of
the Aryan race?
>
I had also sent her to the
>best schools in Japan;
Mike: They all sent her back, 'cuz she was frozen and all, but
still!
> eventually,
she got her Master's Degree in
>Political Science from Tokyo University.
Tom: Her thesis must have been really
interesting. "Aryans! They're
Monk-a-licious!"
Crow: [Helffen] I'll never forget her valedictorian address, when
she stood in her robes at the
podium, all grown up, and said,
*"SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU
BASTARDS!"*
> Yoriko has been raised
>since she was thawed to be loyal to me.
I also have her on the
>'Hi no Tori' pill."
>
>
Tom: 'Cuz, you know. With boys today...
Crow: Hey! A pause! You don't think maybe-
>"And now,
Mike: Ah. There's the return of Helderheffen's soothing voice.
Tom: I'd really missed it in that two
line gap.
> you will learn about my
plan to conquer the world.
Mike: I'm betting that talking is involved somehow.
Tom: [Daria] If it's all the same to
you, can you kill me
now?
> As
>soon as we make the civilian government surrender to us, we will
>launch an aggressive campaign to take back what is rightfully
>Japan's.
Crow: [Helffen] Granted, I really should be obsessing about
Germany, being Prussian and all,
but hey, one totalitarian
state's as good as another, right?
> We will retake the Kuriles
and Sakhalin Island from
>Russia; we will retake the Pescadores from China. We will
>reannex both Koreas and Taiwan.
Crow: We will beat up New Zealand and takes its lunch money!
> We
will conquer Indonesia,
>Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos,
Crow: Is the plural of Laos, "Lice"?
Mike: There's only one Laos, Crow.
Crow: Yeah, I know. But if there were
two...
> Thailand,
Mynamar, Singapore, Malaysia,
Tom: This... isn't much of a
"plan", is it?
Mike: No, but add music and it's one hell of an "Animaniacs" song!
>the Philippines, India, Bhutan ,Nepal, Bangladesh, Pakistan,
Tom: Wasn't he chased by four ghosts in
a maze?
Mike: No, that's Pacman, Tom. It's
different.
>Afghanistan, Papua New Guinea
Crow: Mama New Guinea, and a darling little Baby New Guinea!
> and
the other Oceanic nations.
Tom: [Helffen] But not Bali--I hate the
food there. And if
you think we can't? Three words: really, big, plane!
Crow: Afghanistan is an "Oceanic" nation?
> We
>will then declare war on the United States, Great Britain,
>Russia, China and France and use nuclear bombs that we will
>appropriate from the seized American bases that we take over.
Mike: Yup! You're a tiny island, they're five scattered land
masses of immense area. Nuclear war is a brilliant
tactic!
Crow: Um, aren't nukes banned from US bases in Japan?
Tom: Yes, but that won't stop them!
Crow: Okay, I was - huh?
>After those five nations are humiliated, we will threaten to
>unleash more nuclear weapons on the rest of the world unless it
>submits to Japan. No one will be
able to stop us, NO ONE!"
>
Mike: [Daria] "back... what... is... rightfully.. Japan's."
Okay, what was the rest of it?
Tom: [newsman] Thank you, Doctor
Helffen. Now for the
Republican's response to this
State of the Plot speech,
please welcome Oklahoma
Congressman J.C. Watts!
>"Yes, there is something that will stop you," Daria said.
Tom: Prepubescent Girls in Short
dresses?
>
>Dr. Vander Helffen continued unabated:
>
Mike: Big surprise there, huh folks?
>"And what will that be?
God? The spirit of the Japanese
people?
>Humanity? Freedom? The Americans or the Russians? What will
>stop us, Daria?"
>
Mike: [Daria] Devilled hams!
Tom: [Helffen] Damn. You're right. Well, so much for that idea.
Ah, hell. We'll just knock over a
bank.
>Daria replied, "Public opinion will,
Crow: [Daria] The same way it stops the gun lobby and tobacco!
>
because if you think the
>rest of the world is going to just let you waltz into power and
>start this mayhem of yours, you're even crazier than I
>suspected."
>
Mike: Taste the red-hot steel of George "The Enforcer" Gallup!
>Dr. Vander Helffen was aghast. He
continued:
>
>"Public opinion will stop me?
Are you serious?
Crow: Well she was a satire until *someone* got a hold of her!
> See what
>decadence is out there right now.
The public is being sated by a
>modern-day version of the old Roman 'bread and circuses' tactics.
Mike: They're distracted by cartoon shows with bright colors
and attractively drawn young
girls...
>This time, it's senseless media controlled by very few people,
>who make people watch trash that's
full of lies, half-truths,
>distortions, colored opinions,
Mike: Except on black-and-white sets, where opinions are shaded.
>
useless trivia,
Tom: Hey, I *like*
"Millionaire"!
> promiscuous sex,
[They all cough "bra-less" heavily and repeatedly.]
>wanton violence and degradation.
Crow: [indignant] Hey, I *like* UPN!
>
You have celebrities and sports
>people who act outrageously and get away with it;
Mike: [Daria] John Rocker topples civilization?
Tom: [Helffren] Yes! Exactly like John-
[stops] Are you mocking
me, Daria?
> further, not a
>month passes by now unless there's news of a shooting in a
>school.
Mike: That's true, actually.
Tom: Yeah, I remember April being held
up quite a long time
because of that.
> Do I have to remind you
about the Latrell Sprewell
>incident
Crow: [Daria] You mean when he led the Knicks to the finals?
Tom: [Helffen] No, I don't mean when he
led Knicks to the
finals!
Crow: [Daria] GO NEW YORK! GO NEW
YORK! GO!
Tom: [Helffen] Stop that!
> or the shootings at
Jonesboro, Arkansas and Springfield,
>Oregon?
Crow: [Helffen] And I won't even begin to talk about how many
young women are walking around
bra-less!
> Is it any wonder groups
like mine exist in many nations
>around the world?
Mike: How many countries have a trash-talking Amazon raised by
Dr. Strangelove?
Crow: Nah, he means goofy, long-winded egomaniacs.
Tom: Yeah, they're a dime a dozen!
> We're trying to
restore sanity to this world.
Tom: And we'll kill anybody who doesn't
agree!
>There are groups like mine all over the world: the National
>Front in France;
Mike: National Front?
Crow: [Hans Gruber] I read about them in Time.
> the Neo-Nazi
skinheads in Germany, the Neo-
>Fascists in Italy;
Mike: Ah, the return of the "Neo" theme!
Crow: [Helffen] Plus that one scary bald guy on Oz.
> even in your
country there are the right-wing
>militias and the white supremacists and the disgruntled
>anti-government taxpayers groups like the All-County Taxpayers
>Association."
Crow: Or the Jefferson County District 4 School Board.
Mike: o/~ One of these things is not like the other... o/~
>
>"And there are weirdoes like Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols
>who bomb Federal office buildings and kill innocent people,"
>Daria said.
Tom: [Helffen] Yes! Yes! I think you're
beginning to catch on!
> "Dr. Vander
Helffen, the world you are dreaming of
>is in reality a nightmare; it would
be a world ruled by madmen
Crow: [Charlton Heston]: IT'S A MADHOUSE - A MADHOUSE!!!
>who think only they can be the source of law and order and that
>those who oppose them--especially minorities, the disabled and
>the poor--have to be exterminated.
Mike: Hey, whaddaya know - John Rocker *did* topple
civilization.
Tom: [Helffen] I'd never kill the poor!
Hell, someone has
to haul the bodies away!
>
Hitler was real close to
>bringing such a nightmare world to reality, but he was stopped.
>Your dream isn't about restoring Japanese glory, it's about
>bringing a Fourth Reich to existence.
Mike: [Helffen, chuckling] Am I *that* transparent?
>
If you think my friends
>and I are going to just stand aside and let you and others like
>you get away with this,
Crow: [Daria] Then boy! Have you got *us* pegged!
> then you are
dead wrong.
Crow: [Daria] Okay, I concede I'm tied up and a prisoner, but
you're still mostly dead wrong.
> We will stop
>you even it it's the last thing we ever do."
>
All: o/~ From sea, to shi-ning sea! o/~
Crow: Wow. Guys, I'm inspired. I'm gonna go out, help the poor
and needy, and do my part to make
the world a better place.
Mike: Crow, you're stuck in a satellite in orbit around the
Earth. Where are you going to find
poor people?
Crow: Well, thanks for crushing my dream Mike.
Mike: Anytime buddy.
>Yoriko got mad and slapped Daria.
>
All: Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!
>"You're just wasting your breath on her," Yoriko said to Dr.
>Vander Helffen.
>
Tom: She points out after a mere
*twenty minutes* of
expository hell...
Crow: Well, when you've been in cryogenic stasis that long,
You tend to be a bit slow on the
uptake.
>"You're right," he said.
"Take her away to be executed!"
>
Mike: I wish Yoriko had said that before he started his speech.
>Daria was untied from the chair and taken away.
Tom: [Daria] So... you'll call me,
right? Did I mention I
know Powerpoint?! And when I said $10 an hour, I can
be flexible!
> "Great,
" she
>began to say to herself, "just a few days ago, I was worrying
>about Beavis and Butt-Head heckling me at the football game;
Mike: [Daria] Thank goodness I avoided that.
> now
>I'm about to be executed by firing squad.
Mike: We never established the *method*, technically.
Crow: Yeah, they may just put her on the Atkins diet, kill her
that way.
>
That's the sick, sad
>story of my life."
Tom: o/~ Sixteen, clumsy, and shy! The
story of my li-I-I-I-fe!
That's the story of my life! o/~
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>The Lawndale Courthouse was filled with Lawndale Militia
>personnel.
Mike: And every one of them was reenacting scenes from "A Few
Good Men."
> In the chambers a moot
trial
Crow: Um...
Tom: Errrr -
Mike: Yeah, I think he means "mock" trial, but this is actually
much more accurate.
> was about to be held
>against the Mayor, the City Council and the City Judge. Anthony
>Corlew was going to be the judge, with twelve of his closest
>associates being the jury.
>
Mike: And the defense attorney was Dylan McDermott from the
smash new ABC series "The
Practice".
>Anthony stood up and banged the gavel.
Crow: Oh is *that* what the kids are call-
Mike: Must you?
Crow: Yes.
>
He then said:
>
>"This trial is now set to begin.
All of the defendants are
>accused of the following crimes:
fraud; corruption; bribery;
Crow: Rebroadcasting the pictures, descriptions, and accounts
of this game without the expressed
written consent of
Major League Baseball...
>funneling taxpayers' money to welfare-cheating minorities and
>disabled persons;
Tom: [Mayor] Tony, we're a
municipality! We don't run a
welfare program.
Mike: [Corlew] Quiet you!
> indoctrinating our
children with poisonous
>politically correct doctrine while in school
Mike: Hunting snipe without a license...
> and encouraging
>promiscuity by having condoms available at the high school.
Crow: And turning the town fountain green on St. Patrick's Day
without using dye.
Mike & Tom: Eww...
> The
>punishment for all of these crimes shall be death by firing
>squad. The trial shall begin."
>
Tom: Boy, Lawndale takes its
anti-littering campaign seriously!
>Somehow, the outcome was known beforehand, but they wanted to
>have this trial so as to look legitimate in the eyes of the
>public.
Crow: Should lend credence to the whole "overthrow local
government and law" thing.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>At SDF Headquarters, Usagi was fighting for her life.
Mike: The show's enough of a video game that she'll get a new
one at 20,000 points.
> But now
>there was another concern as well.
>
Tom: [random Sailor] There's only a
case of conditioner left!
What are we going to do?
>"Daria has been gone for hours," Rei said. "She should know
>better than to just run off on her own personal vendettas."
>
Crow: Thank you, Mrs. "I Will Not Rest Until I Avenge My
Grandfather"!
>"Save your bratty attitude for later," Mamoru yelled. "Can't you
>see the woman I love is in critical condition?"
>
Crow: Something's happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt?! What?!
Tom: [Rei] Oh, it's all about *your*
pain, isn't it?!
>Rei was taken aback from Mamoru's yelling at her. It wasn't too
>long ago, after all, that she was once his girlfriend.
Crow: Girlfriend, stalker... who can say where the line is these
days?
> Then she
>found out that Usagi and Mamoru were meant to be together.
Mike: Yeah, when the baby from the future shows up, it kinda
puts a damper on playing the
field.
> She
>had her complaints, her arguments, and even her fights, but far
>be it form her to stand in the way of destiny.
Crow: She will, however, block off Destiny's driveway out of
spite.
> Somehow, however,
>it just seemed so unfair. She began
to cry.
>
>"Rei, I didn't mean to snap at you like that," Mamoru finally
>said.
Crow: I meant to yell at you much louder, *LIKE THIS YOU STUPID
LITTLE BRAT*!
> "I just hope to God that
Mako can get the Star Lights over
>here as soon as possible."
>
>Just then, a Ground SDF soldier
Tom: [Homer] Mmmmmmmmm - Ground SDF
Soldier!
>
arrived and spoke to Gen.
>Torymura:
>
Mike: [Soldier] Hey, can we play outside today?
>"Sir, you might want to see this.
Tom: A Corman film with Sandra
Bullock! And she's *nude!*
>
It's a video from a
>surveillance camera.
Crow: [Soldier] It's pictures of Madonna's latest wedding.
> It seems that
Ms. Morgendorffer is being
>taken in the direction of Olympic Stadium by the NIRAA.
Mike: Our conclusion? She's entering
the high hurdles.
> I think
>they may be planning to execute her."
>
Tom: Julie Katz, this is your
execution!
>"Mr. Chiba, Ms. Kaiou, I want the both of you to go over there
>and rescue our missing operative,", Gen. Torymura said.
>
Mike: Oh, and nab Daria while you're at it.
>"You're asking Tuxedo Mask to leave the side of the woman he
>adores so you can launch a commando operation? That is
Crow: Pathetic?
>pathetic,"
Crow: Yep. I thought so.
> Michiru said in response.
>
Crow: Did these people not understand the job responsibilities
inherent in superheroing?
Tom: Japan must not have as stringent
an entry exam as we do
in the States.
>"It's all right," Mamoru replied.
Tom: [Mamoru] I'll go rescue the little
baby Sailor Senshi.
*This* time!
>
He turned to Usagi and said,
>"Usako, my love, I promise you that I will return to you.
Tom: [Mamoru] Unless I get lucky and
hook up with Geri
Halliwell.
> If,
>however, I lose you,
Mike: [Mamoru] Well then, I guess I'll head off to Hooters. But
only after a decent period of
mourning. Five minutes should
be plenty.
> I swear before all that is holy, just and
>true that I will not rest until the bastard who did this to you
>is stopped for all time.
Crow: There's an awful lot of vengeance pledging going on
around here.
Tom: It's like a Klingon version of
Beverly Hills 90210.
> Twice you almost lost me because of my
>own carelessness; I don't want to lose you due to your own. This
>I swear!"
>
Tom: [Mamoru] I swear I will not let
you lose you. Or something
like that.
>With that, he gathered his cape around himself, grabbed the
>walking cane he had and departed with Sailor Neptune.
Mike: Batman hasn't aged well at all.
Crow: [Mamoru] Say, Neppie. You're kinda cute...
>
>Just then, they arrived:
Crow: A bunch of giant ants?
Mike: No, that'd be "Just then, them arrived:"
> The Sailor
Star Lights. Their names
>were Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Maker
Mike: Sailor Heart Breaker, Sailor Dream Maker.
>
and Sailor Star
>Healer.
Tom: You notice how after a couple of
dozen Sailors, you just
stop caring?
Mike: Yeah. Scientists have dubbed this the "For Pete's Sake,
Enough Already" Effect.
Tom: Oh, right. Last month's
"Scientific American". Saw it.
> Sailor Star Healer's
talents were going to be needed.
>
Mike: Okay, fill me in here. Who exactly are these people?
Tom: They're kind of a super powered,
trans-gendered version
of Hanson.
[pause]
Mike: Guys, you really need some different reading material.
How about some nice French comics?
Tintin? Asterix?
Crow: [snort] Yeah right. Like we're going to read something
that has a talking dog in it.
Tom: How unrealistic, Mike.
>"I came back as soon as I could," Makoto said. "Right now, I
>wouldn't be surprised if we had to call on the Amazoness Quartet
>eventually as well.
Tom: [Rei] Or the Inferior Five. Or
even the United Nations.
Crow: [Makoto] Oh, like we'd ever be *that* desperate!
> The entire city
is in chaos."
>
Crow: I suppose that means Evil Ernie will be showing up any
minute now to kill the entire
cast.
>"Where is our leader?," Sailor Star Healer said.
>
Tom: Somewhere looking for Hulk, where
else?
>Chibi-Usa pointed at her. "You
must hurry," she said, "if she
>dies, then it'll be as if I never existed."
>
Mike: So, all in all, things are looking up.
Tom: Suddenly Schwarzenegger walks
in. "Ah'm looking for
Sarah Con- aw, crap! I'm late."
>Sailor Star Healer went over to Sailor Moon. She looked at her.
>
Tom: [SSH] Either she's dead or my
watch has stopped.
>"This will take almost all of my healing energy, but it can be
>done," she said.
Mike: First, I'll need to know her primary provider. We may
have to move her to Boston Mercy.
> With that, she
placed her hands over Usagi's
>forehead, and energy immediately flowed from her to Usagi.
>
>Rei got on her knees and prayed:
>
Tom: o/~ Won't get fooled AGAIN!!! o/~
>"Kannon,
Mike: The goddess of continuity.
Crow: DC and Marvel must not like her much.
Tom: We're pretty high up on her hit
list too.
> Goddess of Mercy, spare
Usagi's life. I know we haven't
>gotten along too well in the past, but I couldn't have asked for
>a better leader.
Crow: She was out a lot, and signed the timesheets without
lookin' too close!
> This I pray."
>
>All Luna and Artemis could do was watch.
Mike: Oh come on, they're cats! They're usin' Usagi's body as
a mattress, pawing the Healer's
calves...
>
"It's all up to her
>now," Luna finally said.
>
Crow: [Luna] We're doomed. Let's make a run for it!
>"She has to pull through; if she doesn't, all will be lost!,"
>Artemis added.
>
Tom: [Artemis] Until we take the five
seconds to replace
her. You got your list ready?
Mike: [Luna] Oh yeah. Guess we should make some calls now.
Tom: [Art] Uh-huh. Save time later.
>Everyone was hoping for the best.
Mike: Except the readers who are hoping for a sudden ending.
Tom: Besides, hoping for the worst
isn't really a winning
strategy.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: Live! From Hollywood, California!
"Fish Bucket Swiss
Cheese Neiman-Markus Kalhua"!
>Olympic Stadium was built for the 1964 Summer Games.
Mike: [Japanese] Nagira, look! Our two seats together are as
big as our apartment!
> Those games
>were to showcase a Tokyo that had been successfully resurrected
>from the wartime destruction that had wreaked as much havoc on
>the city as did the 1923 earthquake.
Mike: Darn shame when Godzilla leveled it three years running.
>
But now it seemed to be a
>monument to past glories.
Crow: And a monument to excessive padding.
> Japan was
in an economic slump, and
>the facility seemed so dated now.
Tom: It's the Avocado colored seats.
> Sitting where Emperor Hirohito
>himself had declared the Games opened, Dr. Vander Helffen--along
>with Yoriko--were watching some NIRAA soldiers tie Daria up to a
>flagpole for her execution.
Crow: In the middle of the stadium? Bet
*that* put a crimp in
the pole vault.
> As
custom dictated, the soldier
>asked for a few requests.
>
Tom: [hooting] Free Bird!
Mike: [same] Whipping Post!
Crow: [same] Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, man!
>"Blindfold?," the soldier asked.
>
>"No," Daria replied.
>
>"Cigarette?," the soldier asked again.
>
Mike: [Daria] Yes it is.
>Daria said, "I don't smoke."
>
>Finally, the soldier asked, "Any last words?"
>
Mike: [Daria] Yes. Ahem! "THE MISERY SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE
BLITZKRIEG DEBACLE - A
Daira/Sailor Moon Crossover Fan
Fiction Story By-"
Crow: [Soldier] Dear lord. We'll be stuck here until the
next ice age.
>"I don't have any last words," shot back Daria, "but I do
have
>this."
>
Tom: Oh, she's brought her delightful
18th-century style tea set
for Dr. Van Helffen to appraise!
Mike: It's the Terrorist Antique Roadshow!
I love this!
>She wrenched her free hand from the other soldier who was tying
>her up, and gave the middle finger to Dr. Vander Helffen and
>Yoriko.
Tom: [Helffen] What? What's she saying?
Is there something up
there I should look at? What?
> The soldier seized the hand
and tied it to the flagpole.
>
Mike: [sinister] Yes, tie it to the flagpole and see who salutes!
>"How dare she do that!," Yoriko said.
>
Tom: Boy, she's awfully touchy for
someone who goes around
blowing up buildings at random.
Crow: [Yerko] That really tears it! Even if I *do* see her in
hell, I'm going walk past and
pretend I don't notice her!
>Dr. Vander Helffen now stood up.
Five NIRAA soldiers were
>standing about twenty paces away from Daria..
Tom: Suddenly Prince Charles drives up,
says the flagpole
is a historic piece of architecture, and they have to
shoot her someplace else.
> He took a
>ceremonial Prussian field marshal's sword that had been his
>grandfather's and held it up in the air.
>
Tom: Now, gentlemen, what am I bid for
this?
>"When I yell 'FIRE!' and drop my sword, execute her," he
>commanded.
>
Mike: When she yells 'FIRE!', we execute you and you drop
your sword.
Crow: No, we drop our execution, yell at her and fire you.
>The soldiers loaded up their rifles.
Tom: Shouldn't they have done that
before?
Mike: Now one of the terrorists raises his hand, and asks
to go to the bathroom.
>
Another soldier began to
>beat a drum.
>
Crow: I guess he don't wanna work.
Mike: Then the bass kicked in and soon they were all jammin'
to the fresh new beat.
>"READY!," Dr. Vander Helffen shouted.
>
Crow: [Daria] Um... I changed my mind about the blindfold!
Guys?
>The soldiers took up their rifles.
>
>Dr. Vander Helffen they yelled, "AIM!"
>
Tom: They who?
Crow: The soldiers, I guess.
Tom: Shouldn't they wait for Doc
Vandenburger?
Crow: They're showing initiative.
Tom: *BANG!*
Mike: [squad leader] Who?! What?!
*Carl!*
Tom: [Carl] Oops. Sorry guys.
I was nervous.
Mike: Great. Right through the eye. You ruined everything!
>They all focused on Daria
>
Mike: I prefer point and shoot rifles, with autofocus.
>Dr. Vander Helffen was now ready to yell "FIRE!" and drop his
>sword, but then a red rose dart hit him right between the eyes.
>
All: [startled] YAH!
Tom: He must've been aiming for the
cheap seats.
Crow: How aerodynamic can a rose be?
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!," Dr. Vander Helffen yelled.
>
Mike: [Soldier] Wait, was that "FIRE" or "AAAAAA"?
>Suddenly, there was another yell:
>
Tom: KA-BOOOONG!
Mike: El Kabong! And Babalooie too!
Crow: They'll save the day for sure!
>"SUPER NEPTUNE TYPHOON, OVERWHELM!"
>
Tom: [Mamoru] Huh?
Crow: [Neptune] Turn on the fire hose.
Tom: [Mamoru] Oh!
>Suddenly, a wall of water crashed down on the firing squad,
>sweeping them away.
Mike: So Daria's last words were "blub".
Tom: Yeah, bad time to be tied to a
flagpole.
> Daria noticed
that it was all the way up to
>her chin. But then Tuxedo Mask came
out of nowhere,
Crow: Using Tux-boy's often seen, but rarely commented on,
teleportation powers.
> grabbed onto
>the pole, and wrapping one arm around the pole and using his free
>hand, took a rose dart and cut the ropes binding Daria to the
>pole.
Mike: Boy, my Gramma would love to talk to this guy! Her roses
Just roll over and die.
Crow: I wonder if those things bloom onions, too?
> Then, he took out his walking
stick, which extended,
Mike: Perhaps he's just glad to see her.
> and
>used that to pole vault their way to the stands.
Mike: [skeptical] A two-man pole vault?
With a collapsible
pole?
Tom: Physics is something that happens
to other people.
> She noticed
>that Sailor Neptune was standing there, with her trident over her
>head.
>
Crow: Man, she *always* hogs all the gum!
>"Am I ever glad to see you guys!," Daria said.
>
Tom: [Daria] Well, am I?
>"Save the congratulations for when we get back to SDF
>Headquarters," Tuxedo Mask said.
They made good their escape.
>
Mike: Exposition? Bah! Who needs it?
Crow: Ernest Hemingway's "The Escape".
>Yoriko went over to Dr. Vander Helffen.
>
Mike: Somewhere at some point.
Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL YOU- oh.
Sorry, reflex speech.
>"Are you OK?," she asked.
>
Crow: [Yerko] Are you still immortal, honey, or do you need a
lie-down?
>Dr. Vander Helffen replied, "He got me right between the eyes."
>
Tom: So why aren't you dead yet?
>"I swear, I will get vengeance for this!," Yoriko said.
Mike: Yeah, yeah. Look, in the
interests of time, please
only speak if you plan to practice
forgiveness and move
on with your life?
> "We
will
>have the last laugh!"
Crow: [Helffen] Great, Yerk. Could we
concentrate on the first
ambulance right now? You may not have noticed, but I've
got a rose in my head.
Tom: He's the Homer Simpson of evil
Hitler doctors.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>When Daria, Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Neptune returned to SDF HQ,
>Usagi was still fighting for her life.
>
Mike: [Rei] Luna? Don King's on the
phone! Did you ask for a
promoter?!
>"Why is this taking so long?," Minako said, almost at the verge
>of tears.
>
Crow: [Minako] Just die already!
Tom: Hey! It's your fault you went to
an HMO!
>"See what your foolishness has done?," Mamoru said.
Crow: Mammy, baby, Minako wasn't flying the death plane, guy!
Lighten up!
> "I swear,
>Usagi wasn't as obnoxious in the beginning as you are right now!"
>
Crow: Well, she - I, uh... okay, Tuxy, you lost me there.
>Sailor Star Healer said, "I'm almost at the end of my resources
>here!"
>
Tom: Send the villagers out to gather
more food and wood.
Mike & Crow: [pause]
Tom: [whispering] Age of Empires.
Mike & Crow: Ahhh.
>"C'mon, Mom," Chibi-Usa was saying to herself, "Dad and I
are
>counting on you to pull through!"
>
Tom: [Chiba-Usa] *Someone's* got to
make dinner tonight!
Crow: Um, by the way, someone, like, stole the car last night
and crashed it into a tree, and I
just happened to come
across it and call a tow truck?
>It was then that Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the rest of
>the Nagai campaign team arrived.
>
Mike: Well he's captured the spirit of modern campaigning,
I'll give him that.
Tom: [Governor] Hi! If your girlfriend
survives, I hope I
Can count on her vote in the
coming election.
>"Who authorized you to be here?," Gen. Torymura said.
>
>"I have the permission of both the Emperor and the Prime
>Minister," Gov. Nagai said.
Tom: They want to see if my spin
doctors are anything like
real doctors.
>
"If you want to file a complaint,
>take it up with them."
>
Mike: So nyah-nyah.
>The Solar Warrior saw Usagi's condition and knew he had to act
>quickly. He took out what looked
like a small yellow disc and
>placed it on Usagi's head.
>
Crow: He's a Soultaker!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
>"What are you doing?," Sailor Star Healer said.
>
>"It is a Solar Healing Disc," the Solar Warrior replied.
Tom: As endorsed by Chi Chi Rodriguez!
> "The
>very energy of the Sun will heal her."
>
Tom: As opposed to giving her skin
cancer or anything like that...
>Suddenly, the disc began glowing, coursing energy throughout
>Usagi's body. Usagi was beginning
to moan in pain,
Mike: Oops. That's his Solar Head Burning Disc.
> but soon the
>pain was finally easing. Finally,
within a minute, all the
>injuries had healed themselves.
>
Crow: [Minako] Cool! Does that work on
zits?
>"Give her time to rest," the Solar Warrior said. "She is out
of
>danger now."
>
Crow: Out of danger...and into the kill zone!
>"I think it is time you finally leveled with us and talked about
>who you are and how you came to be," Tuxedo Mask said.
Mike: We haven't had any long-winded exposition for almost three
scenes!
> "Even
>when I was Endymion back in the Silver Millennium I never heard
>about you or your exploits. Are you
really who you claim to be,
>or are you working for the enemy?"
>
Tom: The Solar Warrior is like the Jay
Gatsby of anime!
>"I see that some of the doubts that Usagi and Luna have about me
>since in the beginning has rubbed off on you," the Solar Warrior
>said.
Crow: So kiss my aluminum-foiled fanny!
> "But now I will finally
tell my tale. Take it from me,
>once you hear it , all doubts will be erased."
Tom: And replaced will full-scale
disbelief.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Let's get outta here.
Crow: Yeah, my head's so full of useless details, it feels
like it's about to explode!
Tom: And this is new how?
Crow: Oh, ha ha!
[All leave]
From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:17:30 2000
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]
[The Bridge]
[Mike is strapped into an electric chair. He's not afraid,
he's just annoyed. A large switch is on the table, and
Crow is cackling with both hands around
it.]
Mike: Crow?
Crow: Huh? Oh, sorry Mike. I just
happened to come
across this neat lever I hadn't
noticed before.
Cool huh? What's up?
Mike: Well, I just sat down in this chair I've never seen
before, lowered this metal cap
onto my head, started
securing the straps so I couldn't
get out when it
occurred to me! Why am I doing this?
Crow: Beats me. Oh, I cannot *wait* to
throw this baby
and see what it does!
[Light flashes.]
Mike: Hey! The Castle's calling!
Crow: Right! I'll get it right after I throw this-
[CUT abruptly to Castle Forrester.]
[There is a kid's party going on. Many
six-to-eight year olds
with party hats cavort around a morose
Brain Guy, who is also
wearing a party hat. There's also a
tiny little one attached
to his brain. Pearl, with a red fire
hat, talks to the camera.]
Pearl: Nel-sore! No time for niceties. It's Bleach-head's
birthday here, so we got a party
with all the creepy
neighborhood kids. And I want
*you* to watch and observe
and see how *normal* people can go
five minutes without
some vaguely amusing happenstance
coming in and screwing
everyone's plans up!
Observer: I don't see why *I* have to be the one subjected to
this indignity! It's *much* more Bobo's style!
Pearl: I know, but we can't pry him off the phone.
[Bobo wanders in, still talking]
Bobo: [on phone] Really? That's quite fascinating, Pete. Look,
it's getting kind of late and I -
no, I've never
considered the role of
interest-free checking in modern
Japanese society. It's - oh, you
can tell me all about
it. [dully] Great. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[He wanders out]
Pearl: Oooooh, we need to get going. Where's that party
clown, dammit?! Domino's promised they could deliver a
clown in 30 minutes or less!
Observer: Well, I'm sure he's just being extra careful-
[Suddenly we hear the whine of jet engines descending from
above]
Observer: Surely we must admire a party clown for being extra
careful...[the noise increases]
Obeying the speed limit...
stopping at the yellow lights to
ensure a safe... [He and
Pearl have to cover their ears
from the noise] MY GOD,
DUCK!
[Brain Guy and Pearl jump off-screen. Bursting through the wall,
spreading debris throughout the castle,
is the nose of a fighter
jet.
The cockpit opens, and up pops a feisty female clown in a
leather jacket with flight goggles.]
Clown: [shaking fist] SEE YOU IN HELL, BIRTHDAY BOY!
[The kids cheer.]
[SoL]
[Everyone's in party hats. Mike's still in the chair.]
All: Yerko!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: *Yerko?!*
Yerko: Yerko the Clown to you, whale meat!
Now we discuss-
*your bill!*
Child 1: You're funny, Yerko!
Yerko: Silence, vermin! Now then. You
will pay me half now-
Pearl: Uh-huh.
Yerko: And the other half up front.
Observer: Oo.
Yerko: Then another half before the show.
Pearl: Really?
Yerko: And a final half, in advance.
[Pearl reaches into a pocket and takes out a fistful of bills.]
Pearl: Uh-huh. Well I did have this money I was saving to buy
Brain Guy an intimate lunch with
Molly Ivins, Lars Erik
Nelson, and Tom Friedman-
Yerko: [snatching money] Thank you, no refunds!
Observer: [crestfallen] But-but-but... Molly!
[Yerko turns to children.]
Yerko: OK, vermin! Yerko chooses to do magic! The mysterious
wonder that is the disappearing
greenback! Does anyone
have a fifty dollar bill?
Observer: Well, I... if it's necessary for the trick-
Yerko: Absolutely!
[Observer warily produces a fifty. Yerko snatches it and stuffs
it in her pocket.]
Yerko: [contemptuously] Dah-dah!
Child 2: Wow! It's gone! Yerko, do it again!
Yerko: NEVER!!!
Observer: Now, there's no reason to yell at the Child.
Yerko: You *dare* give an order to Yerko the Clown?! You
chalk-face mistake of
evolution! I should rip out your
tongue and use it as a kitchen
sponge! Get me a beer!
Observer [indignant]: Now-now-now see here madam! It is
inappropriate for a children's
clown to-
[Yerko pulls the party hat from Observer's head, stretching
the elastic. She unsheaths a bowie
knife from her belt, and
inserts it point-outward into the hat.
She then lets go, and
the hat snaps against Brain Guy's face.
He howls and falls
off-screen. The kids cheer.]
Yerko: [at Brain Guy] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BASTARD!
[Pearl addresses the camera.]
Pearl: Mike? This never happened. Go be miserable and unfunny
for a half-hour while Yerko and I
have a heart-to-
heartless. [puts arm around clown]
Did I mention I've
got a new way to get thirty of you
guys in a car?
[SoL]
[The chair is now empty, except for a pile of smoking
ashes. Crow is examining the chair,
perplexed.]
Crow: Gosh. Never thought it'd do *that*.
[Mike enters, eating a Rice Krispies Treat.]
Mike: Num. Hey Crow. So what did that lever do?
Crow: Activated the ship's incense dispensers! See?
Mike: [inhales] Mm! Jasmine!
[Lights flash, buzzers sound.]
Mike: AHHH! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!
[Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins again.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . .
. 1 . . . ]
[Mike, Tom and Crow enter and take their places.]
Crow: Wow, the whole theater smells like Jasmine.
Tom: I wonder if we have a pine scent
dispenser out
There too.
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 12: A Desperate Teleportation
>
Mike: The long waited sequel to "Dangerous Liaisons."
>Daria approached Usagi.
"Usagi, are you feeling OK now?," she
>asked.
>
Crow: [Usagi] Yeah, I can hardly feel the steel pins in my
spine.
>"I think so," replied Usagi.
"Why?"
>
Crow: [Daria] I kind of enrolled us in something. We're
in a contest to see who can
ballroom dance for the
longest time.
Tom: [Usagi] Daria! We're trying to
save the world here!
Crow: [Daria] We get a toaster oven if we win.
Tom: A toaster oven?! Damn! Let me get
my shoes!
>Daria answered, "I need to get back to Lawndale right away.
Crow: My sister is telling my friends I have a moustache!
>Things are getting out of hand there, and I'm the only one who
>can fix it up."
>
Mike: Seeing as there's no army anymore. Clinton blew the
Whole military budget on his
"Bimbo-of-the-Month" club!
Crow: Daria once negotiated a peace treaty between Lawndale
Militia and the Zoning Board.
>"I do have a new power that I was given recently," replied Usagi;
Tom: I call it "telling you where
you can stick it".
>"it's the Moon Teleportation Power.
That might get you there
>quickly."
Mike: [Usagi] Or it could kill you slowly and horribly. Let's
give it a whirl.
>
>"Usagi," Luna warned, "you're still not completely recovered
from
>your injuries. You need to get some
rest."
>
Crow: [Usagi] No! I swore I would not
rest!
Tom: [Luna] When?
Crow: [Usagi] Well, I'm Japanese. I must've, at some point.
>"Right now, Daria's family might be in danger, and we've got to
>help her," Usagi said.
"Besides, we don't know if Ami survived
>the crash or not. We could at least
see if she's all right."
>
Tom: [Usagi] And I can see if I can
borrow that really cute
green sweater from her.
>Luna by now realized that it was useless to argue with Usagi when
>she was determined to do it her way.
>
Crow: She's a Burger King girl.
>"Very well," Luna said, "but don't overdo it. You lost a lot of
>energy when you were shot down."
>
Crow: Yeah, dying really takes it out of you!
>Gen. Torymura overhead what was said.
"If you're going to go
>back, don't stay too long, since Yoriko could be back at any
>moment."
>
Tom: [Toymura] But not to worry! You go
put the welfare of
two or three crooked pols over my
whole country! I'll
wait!
>"We won't be gone long. You
have my word," Daria said.
>
Crow: [Usagi] What's this "we" stuff, Gai-jin?
>Usagi got up and grabbed her old Moon Scepter with the Silver
>Imperium Crystal in it.
Mike: Where'd she grab it from?
Tom: No one knows for sure, but there
have been rumors...
> "Grab
onto the handle of the scepter
>with me," Usagi said.
Tom: Careful, though - you're also
grabbing the handle of
every scepter she's ever wielded.
Mike: We are getting into a whole weird area here.
> "Once I
say 'MOON TELEPORTATION
>ACTIVATION!,' we'll simultaneously be sent over to where you want
>to go.
Crow: [Usagi] Or the head of the bed will rise. Sorry, I kinda
crossed wires with the Craftmatic,
unfortunately.
> The Silver Imperium Crystal
will read your thoughts and
>take you to your destination."
>
Mike: So how will a trip to the Mall of America help things?
Tom: Or you can just click your heels
three times. That might work.
>"Wouldn't it be just easier to use the three sliders Scotty
>always used on the transporter on 'Star Trek'?," Daria replied.
>
Tom: [Scotty] Ach, we canna do it,
Daria! We've got ta have
more time! Ye canna change th'laws
of physics!
>"Daria, please spare me your flippant attitude right now!," said
>Usagi in disgust.
>
Crow: Wow, being almost killed makes ya moody!
>Usagi and Daria grabbed onto the Moon Scepter. It began to glow.
[Crow starts wheezing desperately. Tom makes a rapid beeping
sound.]
Mike: [Usagi] Oh, I forgot my roommate Mr. Osaka has a
pacemaker! Sorry Mr. Osaka!
[Crow gives a death rattle, Tom flatlines.]
>Usagi got an image in her mind as to where Daria needed to go.
>
Crow: They're going to the Gap!
Mike: I'm thinking the little Sailor Scouts room.
Tom: Forget it. They're gonna wind up
in a cheap Vegas motel
with a $50 gigolo.
>"All right, here goes nothing!," Usagi said. "MOON TELEPORTATION
>ACTIVATION!"
>
Crow: Idiopathic Plot Convenience, Away!
Tom: Bamf!
>Almost at once, it seemed that Usagi and Daria vanished in a beam
>of light.
>
Crow: o/~ Quicker than a ray of light! o/~
Mike: [Mamoru] Huh. Hope they're not barbecued.
Tom: [Rei] No, remember my grandfather?
Much different smell
in the air.
>"Good luck, Usako, Daria," Mamoru said to himself. "I think you
>will need it."
Crow: [Mamoru] So! Shall we watch more of the death plane?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: [Charlie] Now they work for me.
My name, is "Misanthrope
Blasphemy 'Me' Decade
Popsicle".
>Almost instantaneously, Usagi and Daria arrived in Lawndale.
>
Tom: Bamf!
Crow: [muttering] Fanbot.
>"So this is Lawndale," Usagi said.
>
Tom: He hasn't come.
Crow: Why hasn't he come?
Tom: I baked this cake for him.
>"Yep, it's my little slice of Hell," Daria said.
>
Mike: You're moaning to the wrong audience, Daria.
>"Why is everything so quiet?," Usagi wanted to know.
>
Crow: It's our special radar-absorbing hull. It deflects noise!
>Suddenly, two Lawndale Militia soldiers saw them.
>
Mike: Whoa, where'd they come from?
Tom: Let's just assume Daria and Usagi
didn't notice them
until now.
>"KILL THEM!," one of the soldiers screamed.
>
Crow: Look, two teenage girls in short dresses! EVIL! EVIL!
Tom: [commercial friend] Gosh,
Keith! Why so tense?
Mike: [same] Have you consider switching to... a decaffeinated
coffee?
>The other soldier fired his AK-47 at them.
>
Crow: [first soldier] Dude! I was just kidding! Chill out!
>"Not exactly the kind of welcome you usually get here," Daria
>stated,
Tom: Usually, they use the Glocks.
> "but right now, my best
advice to you is to run like
>Hell."
>
Tom: [Daria] Oh, wait, you've been
filled with machine gun
fire. Well, my second best advice
is to lie there and
provide a breeding ground for fly
larvae!
>They both did. The soldiers pursued
them.
Mike: Hey, she's running away! Usagi
has a learning curve!
I wouldn't have guessed!
Tom: Yup, bullets are the
rolled-up-newspapers of the Sailor
Senshi world.
Crow: She won't do *that* again.
>
Suddenly, someone
>jumped out of nowhere and threw a grenade at them,
All: Al Franken?
> blowing them
>up to pieces.
>
Crow: [rising to leave] Well. Killing off your two heroines
seems an odd way to end your
story. But as long as it's
over!
Mike: [putting hand on Crow's shoulder] I think he may mean the
soldiers, Crow. Wait it out.
>"Take that, bastards! See you
in Hell!," the young lady
>screeched.
Tom: YERKO! Um- isn't it?
Crow: Mmmm, not with the lower case letters. Probably a niece
or something.
> She looked rather
bizarre with her heavy eyeliner and
>was obviously drunk.
>
Crow: Neve Campbell, no!
>"Who are you?," Usagi asked.
>
>"That's Andrea, our resident Goth girl. You know, she's into
>Marilyn Manson and all that," Daria replied.
>
Mike: [Andrea] Actually I'm more retro-new-wave? Depeche Mode,
Joy Division, The Smiths, that
sort of thing?
>"Hey, Daria," asked Andrea, "when did you join the Navy?
Tom: [Daria] I guess the call of the
sea has always been
my secret muse. That and I pulled
the wrong Japanese
cat tail.
> And
>who's the ponytailed wuss with you?"
>
Crow: Eh. Some German art dealer. Calls himself Gunter.
>"I beg your pardon," Usagi said.
>
Crow: [Andrea] Tut tut, my dear lady. It is I who must beg
your pardon for my churlishness.
>"I didn't join they Navy, Andrea," Daria said. "It's supposed to
>be a Japanese schoolgirl's uniform, except that this is a
>superheroine's outfit.
Tom: [Daria] You can tell the
difference because mine's more
buttfloss than clothing.
> Andrea, this
is Sailor Moon, and I'm
>supposed to be Sailor Mercury.
Crow: [Daria] I know, I'm not buying it either. But that's our
premise and we've got to run with
it.
> I
came over here to stop the
>Lawndale Militia from destroying our town."
>
Mike: [Daria] But from the look of things, I don't see why I
can't just join in on the fun
myself.
>"Well," Andrea said, "Mr. DeMartino has organized a
resistance
>unit and we're fighting back.
Crow: She's a very lucid drunk, I must say.
Tom: Mm. She might have Dylan Thomas
disease.
> Not
only that, those two dolts
>Beavis and Butt-Head went after your sister."
>
Mike: Isn't that *great*?!
>"They did?," asked Daria.
>
All: Surprise. Shock. Horror.
>"Luckily, Ms. Barch and Ami rescued her," replied Andrea.
>
>"When you said Ami," Sailor Moon said, "did you mean Mizuno
Ami?
Crow: No, she meant *Bon* Ami - the cleansing powder that wipes
away crime as quick as it does
stains!
>She's a friend of mine. She's kind
of short with short black
>hair in a bob cut."
>
Crow: Point of order! Ami has blue hair...
>"Yeah," admitted Andrea, "that's what she looks like."
>
Crow: Except for the wrong colored hair and all...
Mike: Crow, let it go. No one cares.
>"Where is she?," Sailor Moon asked her.
>
Mike: She's in a better place now...St. Olaf!
>"She's over at Daria's place," replied Andrea.
Tom: The 10 Spot?
> "She went
with
>her parents, Trent and Jane Lane, Jesse Moreno and Ms. Barch to
>protect Quinn in case Beavis and Butt-Head attack again."
>
Crow: [Andrea] Yeah, because we don't have anything better to
do than guard some little
bubblehead while the town burns.
Mike: When people are increasingly vigilant after someone's
arrested, it's not exactly a
ringing endorsement of your
police force.
>"We're there, dude," Daria said.
>
>"Huh?," Sailor Moon asked.
>
>"That's a phrase I picked up from those two," Daria added.
>
Tom: Probably not the only thing she's
picked up from them...
>They left right away for Daria's house.
Crow: She wades through another pointless scene! o/~ La la,
LA la-la! o/~
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Quinn was in the shower at her house.
Tom: Nah. This can't be good.
Mike: Nope. If film's taught us anything, it's that nothing
good ever came of a shower.
>
For the first time, she
>was real worried for her sister.
Tom: [Quinn] I hope she doesn't forget
to bring me that
kimono...
> She didn't know if she was all
>right.
Crow: But then, she also didn't know where toothpaste came from.
> "If she makes out all
right from all this, I promise I
>won't deny that she's my sister ever again," she was saying to
>herself.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Because I plan to run away
and change my name!
Mike: [Quinn] I swear I will not rest until I promise I won't
deny it!
>Unknown to her, though, was at that very moment, Beavis and Butt-
>Head were pulling right up to her house.
Tom: [Helen] Honey, there's a police
car outside! They're
probably collecting for those poor
bastards who shot that
viscous unarmed criminal kingpin,
Amadou Diallo.
>
They got out of the
>sheriff's cruiser that they had commandeered. They got out and
>kicked in the door.
>
Crow: It was the cellar door, and they soon absconded with
Helen's prize-winning gooseberry
preserves!
>"WHERE'S QUINN?," Butt-Head roared.
>
>Ms. Barch heard what was going on, and took her rifle, firing at
>them.
>
Mike: Shoot first, ask questions never!
>"Get out and stay out!," she yelled.
>
Tom: Live free or die!
Crow: Escape to Wisconsin!
>However, Beavis leapt right back inside and sprayed her with
>Mace.
Mike: Hate to *blind*-side you!
Tom: You have nothing to *tear* but
*tear* itself!
> She was sent yelping in
agony.
>
Mike: Jeez, it's like only the bad guys know how to aim in
this 'fic.
>"Get out of our way, bitch," Beavis roared.
Crow: That's MIZ Bitch to you, bunghole!
> Everyone else heard
>what was going on and raced to the door.
Mike: [Helen, crying] My door! My precious door! Speak to me!
>
Butt-Head was running
>up the stairs with Jake pursuing him.
>
Crow: Where did he come from....Oh forget it, I give up.
>"Hey, you! Get out out my
house right now!," Jake yelled.
>
Tom: [furious] That door was *three
days from retirement!*
>Butt-Head took the billy club that he had taken from the front
>seat of the sheriff's cruiser and hit Jake over the head with it.
Mike: He coulda said "Boo!" and he'd've got the same effect.
>Jake fell backwards down the stairs.
>
>"JAKE!,"
Crow: AND THE FATMAN!
> Helen screamed.
>
Crow: So the part of the story in Japan is pointless and mind-
numbingly boring, while the part
in Lawndale is pointless
and violently repulsive.
Mike: Apparently.
Crow: Okay. Just making sure.
>Butt-Head went to the bathroom and kicked in the door.
Crow: His uncanny "Puma Sense" told him where she was!
>
Quinn saw
>what had happened and screamed "NO!
GET AWAY FROM ME!"
>
Crow: I wanna know when these two got so powerful.
Mike: Well, they don't use their brains for anything else.
>"WE'RE GONNA SCORE WITH YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU
>BITCH!,"
Tom: Hey, Pete! Get a thesaurus,
dammit! C'mon!
Mike: I'm not sure "bitch" made it into Roget's, Tom.
> Butt-Head yelled as he
dragged her by the hair
>downstairs. He flung her on the
couch.
>
Crow: Mike, I know it's wrong to single out any one impossibility
here? But as a sheer practical matter, both these goobers
would be struck dumb the minute
they saw her nude!
Mike: Mmm... I prefer to be perplexed by Butt-head's sudden
upper body strength.
>Beavis maced Jake and Helen, sending them screaming in agony with
>Ms. Barch.
Mike: Right about now I'm thinking being maced might actually
lift my spirits a little.
> Ami, Jane, Trent and
Jesse all ran over to the living
>room.
>
Mike: Hey, look, "Greed" is on!
>"Hold it right where you are!," Ami screamed.
>
Mike: Can I see your permit for that mace?
>"After we're done porking Quinn, we're gonna pork you, Jane, and
>Ms. Barch," Beavis said.
Tom: I'd make a comment about "the
other white meat", but I'm
already microns away from losing
my lunch!
> He then
dropped his shorts.
Tom: Well, that's it - I lost my lunch!
Crow: Where'd you have it last?
Tom: If I knew, it wouldn't be lost,
now would it?
> Quinn
>screamed, "SOMEONE HELP ME!"
Tom: One of you people in the room, for
instance! That would
be a positive step forward!
> Beavis was about to drop his briefs
>when someone yelled, "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BASTARDS!"
>
Mike: Look! It's Jay and Silent Bob!
Tom: They probably came to Lawndale to
pick up some chicks,
figuring that the war zone would
make chicks horny.
>Beavis and Butt-Head turned around and saw Sailor Moon, Daria and
>Andrea standing in the front doorway.
Sailor Moon began her
>introductory speech:
>
Mike: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, Members of the 105th
Congress, Friends, Romans,
Countrymen...
>"I am the pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love
>and justice!
Crow: And pinochle! I rule, man!
> In place of the Moon,
I will punish you!"
>
Tom: Wow! Finally some dramatic
tension.
Crow & Mike: What!?
Tom: Well, on the one hand I'd like to
see the moron twins
beaten to a bloody pulp.
Crow: I can see that.
Tom: And on the other hand, there's the
chance of Sailor
Moon getting a face full of mace.
>Butt-Head stood there speechless for a second. Then he said,
>"WHOA! Beavis, look who's
here!"
>
Tom: [Beavis] A lazy slothful
schoolgirl who's failing
geography!
>Beavis saw who it was, then they began their chant of "DIARRHEA,
>CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA,
CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA,
CHA-CHA-CHA!" It
>went on for five minutes.
>
Mike: Quinn slowly gets up, looks at them weirdly for a bit,
grabs some clothes, and they all
leave the house shaking
their heads.
>"How dare you interrupt me when I'm giving my introductory
>speech!," Sailor Moon said.
>
Mike: I'm surprised no one's ever done it before.
Crow: Japanese criminals have a highly developed sense of
etiquette.
Tom: Yep. The speech was much more
important than stopping a
rape. Yep.
Crow: [Usagi] To continue. [Ahem] I have a dream...
>"Sailor Moon, those two are Beavis and Butt-Head," Daria said.
Crow: They make their own gravy!
>"I know those two from when I used to live in Highland.
Crow: [Daria] In fact, I'm one of their spin-offs.
> They're
>two stupid, trouble-making jerks.
Tom: Kidnapping...
Crow: Rape...
Mike: Murder...
Tom: Yup, I'd say that qualifies as
'trouble-making jerks'.
>
They make the students at
>Lawndale High look good. I'll take
care of this."
>
Mike: [Daria] I'll just do a Harry Mudd on them! Guys?
Everything I say is a lie. I am
lying right now. Got
that? Guys? Look, stop raping my
sister and listen to
me, damn it!
>Daria went up to them and said, "Beavis and Butt-Head, if you
>rape my sister, I swear to God I will not rest until I hunt you
>down, rip your heatrs out, cook them on a skillet
Tom: -place them back in your chests,
sew the wound back up,
set you up an I.V. drip, go down
to the store, buy some
seltzer, come back, watch
"Inside Politics", check on
your blood pressure, buy you both
burritos...
> and make you
>eat them."
>
Mike: With Corn... chiles... onions... *sigh*
chicken...
peppers...
>Beavis said, "Fuck you, Diarrhea!" and dropped his briefs.
Crow: The only way "brief" relates to this story!
>
"I've
>got a king-sized stiffie!"
>
[Various retching sounds]
Crow: I want to scrub my brain clean now.
Tom: Me too.
Mike: Me three.
>"With you, you need an electron microscope to see it!," Daria
>said, then grabbed Beavis by the scruff of his neck and flung him
>across the room.
>
Mike: So! Anyone want to grab that rifle? Or the mace that's
flying from his hand?
Crow: Superheroes, any celestial magic words you wanna
contribute? No? Well that's fine,
don't worry about it.
>Butt-Head ran up to Sailor Moon, ripped her seirafuku blouse in
>half and had her in a chokehold.
Tom: So the "ripped clothing"
subplot is still in effect.
Mike: Ye gods. Dr. Smith fights better than these girls do.
>
"You're going to let us go with
>Quinn or I'll kill Sailor Moon here!"
>
Crow: If they're just gonna keep standing around until someone
starts choking 'em, I say let them
die!
Tom: The losers cull the weak Sailor
Senshi from the herd...
>Ami knew that her best friend was in danger. But what could she
>do?
>
Mike: Er, use your superpowers? Or maybe something mindlessly
violent and extravagant?
>Beavis got up, grabbed Quinn violently from the couch and was
>taking her down the hallway. Jane
grabbed a nearby fire poker
>and ran down the hall.
Tom: Poker? I hardly even kn-
Mike: Context, Servo.
Tom: Gah! You're right!
> She hit
Beavis over the head with it.
All: Yeah!
>Quinn ran away, screaming.
>
>"RUN, QUINN!," Jane yelled.
Mike: Um, she kinda already is, Janey.
Tom: Once again, we see a clear-cut
example of effect and
cause.
> Quinn
ran down the street, not
>caring that she was stark raving naked.
>
Crow: 'Stark raving naked'?
Tom: How about 'nude as a church
mouse?'
>"You'll pay for that, you bitch!," Beavis said, slapping Jane
>across the face.
>
Tom: It's moved into a "Three
Stooges" homage at this point.
Mike: Okay, I get it now. Beavis and Butthead have been
replaced by libidinous cyborgs
from the future who are
impervious to pain, right?
>Helen was the first to recover from her macing. She got up and
>ran towards Beavis.
>
>"Get out of my house now!," she yelled.
>
Mike: [Helen] Rape my daughter if you must, but not under my
roof.
>Beavis responded by slapping her across the face.
>
Tom: [Helen] I'll take that as a 'no'.
>For Daria, this was too much.
Crow: The rest of us hit that spot about 10 "datas" ago!
> She
ran up to Beavis and kicked
>him and Butt-Head in the testicles.
Crow: Ooh, right in the pod bay!
>
They were sent howling.
>Sailor Moon broke free.
>
Mike: [Usagi] I'm gonna give you *such* a talking to!
>"SAILOR MOON KICK!," she yelled.
>
Tom: The refreshing new soft drink from
Royal Crown!
>She kicked them in the testicles as well.
Tom: [Butthead] Why does she keep doing
that? Does she
think that might be a sensitive
area or something?
>
For good measure,
>Andrea kicked them in the testicles herself.
>
Mike: Soon, people from miles around were lined up to kick
Beavis & Butthead in their
packages.
Tom: I'd pay to. Well, if I had any
legs, I would.
>Trent and Jesse sucker punched them from behind.
Tom: In the testicles, of course.
> Ami then
>grabbed a vase and broke it over Beavis' head. He turned around
>and hit her.
>
Crow: Geez! What does it take to put these jerks down?!?
Tom: They must be direct descendants of
Rasputin!
>Jake and Ms. Barch got up now. Ms.
Barch knew she had to act
>quickly.
>
Crow: She had only seconds to either expose her breasts or
kick someone in the testicles.
>Beavis got spastic and then went "AAAAAAAAAAAA! I AM THE GREAT
>CORNHULIO! YOU HAVE MADE ME
ANGRY!"
Mike: You rearranged my CD's so I can't find anything!
>
He and Butt-Head ran to the
>kitchen and grabbed knives, and ran, now completely deranged,
>right toward Daria.
>
Crow: As it turned out, all they had was a handful of
mayonnaise spatulas, so no one was
*too* worried.
Tom: Then again, with these two...
Crow: Yeah.
>"DARIA! NO! THEY'LL KILL YOU!," Trent said.
>
Tom: [Daria] Quiet. I must stand here
and helplessly face my
destiny.
>Beavis grabbed Daria by the collar of her seirafuku and was going
>to plunge the knife into her heart when Ms. Barch took her rifle
>and blew his brains out.
Crow: Overkill. She could have used a peashooter for that.
> The brains
were splattered all over the
>place.
>
Crow: Should only need a single wetnap to clean it up.
[pause]
Crow: [softly] With the small brain and all-
>"YOU KILLED BEAVIS, YOU BITCH!," Butt-Head yelled and ran to
her.
>Ms. Barch blew out his brains as well.
>
Tom: [Butthead] Huh? Oh, right, gun.
Forgot. [death rattle]
Mike: Should I enjoy this or be disturbed by it?
Crow: Why not both?
Mike: Good point.
>Both bodies twitched for a few seconds, then stopped. It was all
>over.
>
Mike: So despite Daria and the Sailor Scouts being the nominal
heroes in the story, Beavis &
Butthead are finally stopped
by the man-hating marginal
character with a semi. Good call.
>Daria ran down the street and caught up with Quinn. She was
>balled up in a fetal position, crying.
>
Crow: Looking just like that Gabrielle chick from "Xena".
Tom: How is this chapter *not* over?
Mike: [shrugging] Beats me.
>"Quinn, it's over now," said Daria; "Ms. Barch killed Beavis
and
>Butt-Head. They won't harm you
anymore."
Crow: Unless their restless souls swear revenge and invade your
dreams!
> Daria took Quinn in
>her arms, and hugger her, letting Quinn cry on her shoulder. It
>didn't matter if she was splattered with brains on her outfit.
>
Tom: After all, it matched.
Mike: Nude sister, sailor suit, brains... this just ain't right!
>"Daria, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad that you
>showed up," Quinn sobbed.
"I'm very lucky to have a big sister
>like you.
Tom: [Quinn] Can I borrow your mascara?
> I'll never deny that
we're sisters ever again, even if
>I get drubbed out of the Fashion Club!"
Tom: Yeah, that promise should last
about 10 seconds.
>
Quinn broke down and
>cried. Daria patted her on the
back.
Mike: [stiffly] There there. There there.
>
Daria smiled to herself.
>The others went up to her.
>
Crow: Crow mocked that paragraph.
Mike: Mike shook his head.
Tom: Tom plotted sweet, sweet revenge.
>"Daria, you're OK!," Trent said.
>
Tom: [Trent] WOW! Quinn! You're... Oh.
Sorry, Quinn, I know
this is just terrible and
all. But, WOW!
>"Trent, what's going on here?," asked Daria.
>
Crow: Dah- nothing! Nothing! A reflex
reaction! I can't
help it! I'm a man, Daria, these
things happen!
>Trent got closer to her and said:
>
Mike: I like that voodoo that you do.
>"It's terrible, Daria. The
Lawndale Militia has taken over the
>town.
Crow: [Trent] First they opened a new Red Lobster! Then they
opened an ice cream parlor! And one of them ran for City
Auditor and won! With the unholy
triad behind them, they
can't be stopped!
> They're trying the city
government in a moot court.
Tom: [Quinn] In a food court? Cool, I could do with some
cheese fries!
Mike: [Daria] Quiet, nude girl.
> Then
>there was the plane crash, and we found Ami here. Then, of
>course, Beavis and Butt-Head tried to rape Quinn.
Mike: Trent Backstory, Recapper Extraordinaire!
Crow: [Trent] Then you asked me what happened, and I summarized
the plot. Then the stress of the
day finally got to me and
I climbed up in a bell tower and
started shooting... [stops]
Come to think of it, that last
part might come later.
> It's all been
>so horrible. We're happy to have
you back. And, Daria. . ."
>
Tom: [Trent] Me and Quinn got married,
I'm your new brother-
in-law!
>"Yes, Trent?," she aksed.
>
Mike: [Trent] You've got some brain on your chin. Here, let
me...
>Trent went up to her and said, "I love you. I always felt it,
>but until now I never had the courage to say it.
Tom: [Trent] But I'm liquored up enough
to force the words
out now.
Crow: Another problem solved by sweet, sweet booze.
All: BOOZE!!!
> After seeing
>you being willing to sacrifice your life to save your family, it
>has given me the courage to tell you how I feel."
Crow: Courage based on factory mail-in rebate. Your courage
may vary.
> They then
>French kissed.
>
Tom: No, wait! Safe, safe at second
base! This kid really
makes things happen out there.
Mike: Tender moment? Nah, let's skip straight to the petting.
>"EW! They're kissing!,"
Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] And it's cold out here!
Why- oh, right! I'm
naked as a jaybird.
>"AW, isn't that sweet?," Helen said.
Crow: [Helen] I love how he's molesting my underdressed
daughter.
>
Jane just nodded her
>approval.
Tom: [Jane] My plan to get Quinn naked
worked!
> She knew all along how
those two felt for each other,
>and somehow she felt vindicated that she played a part as
>matchmaker in this affair.
Mike: Her audition for "Fiddler on the Roof" was a success!
> Jesse got a bit emotional.
Mike: [Jesse] Dude.
> "It's
all
>too beautiful, man!," he said.
>
Tom: [Jesse] Everything is beautiful in
its own way, dude.
Like that naked chick. Awesome.
>Sailor Moon went up to Ami and said, "Ami, thank Queen Serenity
>that you're all right!"
>
Tom: So, Usagi is basically thanking
herself?
Crow: That's the ego for ya.
>"I've had a rough go of it, that's for sure!," Ami replied.
>
Mike: [Usagi, pouting] Well I was killed by a death plane!
That was rough too!
>"I've called the county sheriff's department, since the police
>are incapacitated right now," Ms. Barch said.
Mike: "Incapacitated" in the sense of being rock-stupid loads
who let their prisoners out at
random bushes to relieve
themselves.
> "The coroner is
>going to take those two scumbags away.
Tom: The militia didn't exactly secure
their perimeter, did
they.
Crow: Nope. This coup was as well-orchestrated as a UPN sitcom!
>
I hate all men! They're
>all cheaters and scumbags!"
>
Mike: -and bears, oh my.
>"I'm not a scumbag or a cheater!," Jake said.
>
>"Who asked you, you man!," Ms. Barch roared.
>
Mike: [Ms. Barch] Blah blah blah, men scum, blah blah.
Crow: You know guys, suddenly I feel I need to type my stereo.
Tom: Huh, me too. Can't think why.
>"What's been happening in Tokyo?," Ami said.
>
Tom: [Usagi] Not much. There's a cool
new dance called "The
Jalepeno", and a new Cinibuns
opened at the Tokyo
Galleria, but otherwise it's been
pretty dull.
>"It's not all good," Usagi said grimly.
Mike: [Usagi] We're out of blue stuff.
>
"The NIRAA has stolen an
>experimental jet fighter called the Neo-Zero and has all but
>bombed Tokyo to rubble.
Tom: So there is *some* good. But again, not *all* good.
> Rei's
grandfather died when they bombed
>Sendai Hill Shrine. Things are
getting desperate over there.
Mike: [Usagi] And we're almost out of expendable characters.
Still, it could be worse. Thank
Queen Serenity they
only have the one plane!
Crow: [Ami] So pretty much business as usual?
Tom: [Usagi] Yeah, no big whoop.
>What about here?"
>
Crow: Say, Mike? Have you ever heard of something called a
"cutaway"?
Mike: Sure! That's where you stop writing, and start a new
scene with someone saying,
"So that's their scheme to
rule the world! We must stop them!
But how?"
Crow: Wow! That certainly sounds like a useful tool for writers!
>"Well," Ami said, "you heard it from Trent. A right-wing militia
>group has seized control here.
Mike: [Ami] They have pictures of some guy named Bob Dornan
plastered all over town. By the way, what's a "poopie
suit"?
> It's
a war zone here."
>
Tom: Nah, I think it's Wrestlemania
2000. They're playing
off N64.
>"Daria," Jane asked, "how did you get mixed up in all
this?,"
>
>Daria answereed her:
>
Crow: I'm managing one of Warren Buffet's mutual funds, and I
thought anime showed real growth
potential.
>"Ami asked me to take her place as Sailor Mercury when she got
>accepted for her pre-med studies in Germany. Then the Neo-Zero
>affair broke out, and I got involved in it big time.
Tom: [Daria] Then they started showing
new episodes of me in
the Ten Spot.
> It hasn't
>been a bowl of cherries, to say the least."
>
Tom: [Daria] Though I'd be willing to
concede a peach to you.
>Daria then went to Sailor Moon and Ami.
"I guess introductions
>are in order now.
[The trio collectively groans.]
Crow: Really, haven't we sat through enough introduction scenes
in our lives by now?
Tom: Pete & Stevie are psychically connected
somehow!
> Sailor Moon, Ami,
I want you to meet my
>parents Jake and Helen Morgendorffer,
Mike: And I use "want" in the loosest sense of the word...
>
my sister Quinn,
Crow: [Quinn] Hi! I'm naked!
Tom: [Ami] Um... shouldn't we be
getting you to a trauma
center?
Crow: [Quinn] Oh, the rape thing? That was over five minutes
ago. But thanks!
> my best
>friend Jane Lane, her brother and my boyfriend Trent,
Crow: Daria, you've been dating for five minutes! Slow down a
tad!
> his friend
>Jesse Moreno,
Mike: And his head lice, Jackie, Mirriam, and Scout!
> my science teacher
Janet Barch, and Andrea, our
>local Goth girl.
Mike: Look! It's Andrea again!
All: Woo-hoo!
> Everyone, this is
Sailor Moon, and her friend
>Mizuno Ami."
>
>Everyone shook hands with each other.
>
Tom: Four hours later...
Crow: [Jake] Great job stopping the story there.
Mike: [Usagi] Couldn't have done it without you. Put'er there.
>"We've got our work cut out for us here and back in Japan!,"
>Sailor Moon said.
Tom: So let's go home and watch TV!
> "We've got
to free Lawndale, then stop the
>NIRAA back in Japan!"
>
Crow: But first, let's all have torturously long explanations
of our origins!
>Everyone vowed that they'd help each other resolve both crises.
Tom: Except for Andrea. That
self-centered bitch.
Mike: Wow. You turned on her quick.
Tom: Ah. I'm fickle.
>They then set out to return to the Free Lawndaler's base camp.
Mike: To the carpet store!
All: o/~ Over the bodies of thousands
dead,
to speech through another
scene! o/~
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The jury had reached a verdict in the trial. They filed in.
>Anthony asked the foreman if they had reached a verdict.
>
Tom: Yes. But not for this case.
>"We have, Your Honor," the foreman said.
Mike: Heck, if Honor was there, these militiamen would be
treecat fodder by now!
>
"We find all the
>defendants guilty of all the charges against them."
>
[All gasp in mock surprise]
Tom: Oh, if only they'd gone to
McKenzie, Brachman,
Cheney & Kuzak!
Crow: Except for the ones containing the letter "h". Sorry.
Had a late night, we really just
threw this together
over coffee.
>"Very well," Anthony said.
Mike: [Corlew] We now enter the penalty phase, where I remind
you, the dollar values are
doubled.
>
"You are all hereby sentenced to be
>executed by firing squad at the middle of Town Park at noon.
Tom: You will then be taken to the
state penitentiary, to
serve a sentence of not less than
twelve, and not more
than fifteen years.
>This court is adjourned!"
>
Mike: [Doug Lewellyn] So that's it for "The Case of the
Cheesy McMayor"! We'll be
back with reactions from the
plaintiff, and the defendant, in a
moment!
>The guards dragged the guilty parties away to be executed.
>Unless something happened soon, all would be lost.
Mike: Well, don't sweat it, we could stand to lose some of
this.
[All Leave]
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
[The Bridge]
[Mike and the bots stand behind the control console, looking
rather bedraggled.]
Mike: That was an amusing sequence.
Crow: Yeah. John Peckinpah's "Beavis and Butthead."
Tom: Well, I'm not surprised.
Mike: Really?
Tom: Nope. Beavis and Butthead were
just powderkegs waited
to explode. Most cartoon
characters are rather
unbalanced.
Crow: You don't say.
Tom: Sure they are! Don't you remember
that killing spree
that Speed Buggy and Huckleberry Hound
went on back
in '76?
Mike: [pause] What killing spree? I don't rememb...
Tom: Of course you don't remember that!
The government
covered it up! [conspiratorially]
It's all part of
their little plan. They're going
to release their
cartoon killing machines on us all
soon! Just you
watch...
[Mike and Crow step away from Tom and walk over towards the
hexfield. Cambot pans and follows. In
the background, Tom
continues to ramble.]
Crow: And it's Tom Servo's "Conspiracy Theory."
Mike: Be nice. After all, this fic is enough to unhinge
almost anyone.
[Gypsy rushes in.]
Gypsy: Mike! There's something coming in on the hexfield!
Mike: [dramatically] Cambot! [normal] Um, pan towards the
hexfield.
[Mike, Crow and Gypsy turn towards the hexfield, which
dilates to reveal Beavis and Butthead.
Beavis is dressed
in a yachting outfit, while Butthead is
wearing a pair of
round eyeglasses and is dressed in a
upscale suit,
complete with power tie.]
All: Beavis and Butthead?
Crow: AIIIIEEEEE!!!!! THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!!! AIIIEEEE!!!!
Gypsy: SNAP OUT OF IT, CROW!!!
Beavis: I see that our fearsome reputation proceeds us.
Butthead: Fear not, gentlebeings. We bring you no harm.
Crow: AHHHHH!!!!! WE'RE DOOMED!
Mike: We're not doomed.
Gypsy: Wuss.
Mike: So what brings you here today, guys?
Beavis: We merely desire to correct some of the
misunderstandings regarding us
that might
have arisen from today's story.
Butthead: Yes, we certainly don't wish to be
regarded as some sort of
monsters.
Crow: But you are monsters! Horrible unkillable
monsters!
Gypsy: Geez. Get a grip, Crow.
Beavis: Dear sir, we aren't monsters.
Butthead: We are merely actors.
Mike: Actors?
Crow: NO! THEY'RE HELLSPAWN! EVIL!!!!EVIL!!!!!
Beavis: Yes, actors. My compatriot attended Harvard
and was an accomplished Thespian,
while I
attended Brown.
Butthead: Also known as the community college of the
Ivy League.
[The pair laughs briefly.]
Beavis: Our actions in the story were performances.
Butthead: Yes, we merely did what the script
required of us.
Mike: So, you're not really braindead idiots?
Beavis: No, of course not.
Gypsy: You don't go nearly catatonic when around
a girl?
Butthead: Nay. I myself am presently dating Kirstie
Alley.
[silence]
Mike: Crow? It's your turn to ask a question.
Crow: Hey, if you two aren't going to pay attention
to my shouts of "EVIL!"
then I'm not going to
ask any questions.
Mike: Come on, Crow. Don't be a spoilsport.
Gypsy: Wuss.
Crow: I am not a wuss!
Mike: Then ask a question.
Gypsy: Wuss.
Crow: I am... Fine. Whatever. So, then, you were
just acting all this time?
Beavis: Affirmative.
Crow: And you don't really watch MTV all the time?
Butthead: Heavens no! I prefer CNBC.
Crow: And you aren't really enthralled by...
[Crow produces a lit match.]...
fire?
Beavis: Fire?
Crow: Yes, fire. Neat, huh?
Beavis: FIRE!
Butthead: Oh dear.
Crow: See how it glimmers?
Beavis: FIREFIREFIREFIREFIRE!!!!
Butthead: Nice going, buttmunch.
Beavis: FIRE!!!
Butthead: We nearly had these idiots believing us, and
then you go and ruin it. This sucks.
Beavis: Hey, Butthead! That purple chick has a really
big headlight! Heh-heh-heh!
Butthead: Heh-heh-heh!
Both: Heh-heh-heh!!
[The pair continues to laugh as the Hexfield irises
shut. Gypsy and Mike turn towards
Crow.]
Mike: Crow! You were actually right for once!
Crow: Of course.
Gypsy: You're still a wuss.
Crow: Hey!
[Cambot draws back a bit, bringing Tom, who is still
rambling, back into the shot.]
Tom: ...and after the Snorks kill every
member of
Congress and Fat Albert leads the
purge of
the military, then, THEN they will
be in
control of everything and they'll
be unstoppable!
Mike: Sure thing, Tom.
Tom: So what do we do?
[Lights flash]
Mike: We worry about it later, cuz right now WE GOT
NEO-MISERY SIGN!!!
[Doors, chaos, etc.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[The trio enters and takes their usual places.]
Tom: ...and then the cast of
"Family Dog" will wreak
havoc on the floor of the stock
exchange!
Mike: Whatever.
Crow: Was this before or after the Powerpuff Girls
nuke Houston?
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 13: Crush! Kill!
Destroy!
Mike: Fold! Spindle! Mutilate!
> , or The Battle of Lawndale
>
Crow: Or, "How to win friends and influence cartoon characters".
>Tokyo looked like it had never been rebuilt from either the
>American bombings of 1945 or the 1923 Kanto Earthquake.
Tom: Or that party last month over at
Kenji's house.
> Corpses
>were everywhere, with rats picking them clean to the bones.
Crow: [Japan] But the worst part is we never got the score of
the great Lawndale- Highland
football game!
Tom: So, just a check - how much time
has elapsed since the
beginning of this story?
Mike: *sigh* Well, story time is about 2 days, but it sure
feels like five or six millennia.
>Fires were still raging out of control.
And about 15,000 feet
>above the carnage was the reason why all this was happening:
Mike: An uncaring God?
> The
>Mitsubishi Neo-Zero prototype.
>
Crow: Wow, I bet the boys at Mitsubishi are glad they trademarked
*that*.
Tom: Yeah, think of the reams of free
advertising they're
getting out of all this.
Mike: The Japanese have developed a plane that drops corpses and
rats?
>Yoriko was on what she was hoping would be her final bombing run.
Crow: [frazzled mom] Aw, jeez, look at the time! I still gotta
pick up Suzie's Brownie uniform
and drop the boys off at
soccer practice!
>One of the three drop tanks had been replaced by a sarin "Super
>Bomb" that she intended to drop on the Imperial Palace itself.
Crow: Not the Neo-Bomb?
Tom: This terrorist attack made
possible by a grant from the
DuPont Corporation! DuPont! Lethal
chemicals, and a whole
lot more!
>If the Imperial Family was killed, the NIRAA would then step in
>unopposed as the rulers of Japan.
>
Mike: Unless long lost cousin Ralph from America is found.
Tom: Providing there are any frickin'
Japanese left once she
gets through!
>"Fifty-three years of waiting will soon come to an end!," Yoriko
>said.
Crow: [Yerko] Just 258 pages to go!
> Right now her CD player had
Soundgarden's "Superunknown"
>CD in it and it was playing "Black Hole Sun":
>
Crow: As long as they don't play the video.
>"In my eyes/Indisposed/
Mike: o/~ Leave a message/At the beep!/And I'll return/your call/
when I can! o/~
> In
disguise/As no one knows/
Tom: What, do we get to pick our own
lyrics?
> hides the
>face/lies, the snake/
Crow: Hide the snake? That's dirty!
Mike: Ken Stabler?
> The Sun/In my
disgrace/
Tom: o/~ Commits seppuku/It's Japan!
o/~
> Boiling heat/Summer
>stench/
Crow: Ah, it's a happy song!
> 'Neath the black/The sky
looks dead/
Mike: I think Little Orphan Annie needs a happier song.
>
Call my name/
All: Chris!
> Through
>the cream/
Tom: [uneasy laughter] I think we'll
leave the cream alone,
Chris sweetie. Thanks for
offering.
> And I'll hear you/Scream
again/
Mike: Yes, they're milking yet another sequel out of the
franchise.
>
Black hole Sun/Won't you
>come/And wash away the rain/
Crow: Yeah! Let's see that itsy-bitsy spider escape *this* time!
> Black
hole sun/Won't you come?/Won't
>you come?/Won't you come?"
>
Mike: It sounds so much better when it's mumbled rather than
written out like that.
Tom: Well, marginally, at least.
>Somehow, if they were playing this song right now in the middle
>of Tokyo with the black hole sun sucking up everything, it would
>have been sickeningly appropriate.
Crow: Oh look. We get to share a piece of someone's nightmarish
fever dream! Isn't that nice?
>
Yoriko set her sights on
>making a few more bombings.
Mike: [Yerko] Let's see, I can hit Pokemon, Hello Kitty... and
maybe Benihana's before six. Gotta
make that quota or
they're gonna rightsize me.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Back at SDF HQ, Gen. Torymura and Ryu were trying to use their
>undermanned forces as best as they can.
Tom: But with the Green army attacking
from Yakutsk and the
Blue Army from Irkutsk, they
wouldn't last long.
Mike: What forces? And if they have any, why haven't they
used them yet?
Crow: Maybe they bought some from China.
> A considerable amount of
>casualties had been rendered on Ground, Sea and Air SDF units, as
>well as JSIB agents and a considerable amount of USA, USN, USMC
>and USAF troops.
Crow: [quickly] o/~ CBS, NBC, ABC, TBN, CNN, HBO, Live at Five,
Geraldo, Oprah, Regis and Kathy
Lee! o/~
Tom: You know, just because you *can*
use the alphabet?
Doesn't mean you should.
> Urgent messages
had been forwarded to the
>American, French, Russian and Taiwanese presidents as well as the
>Canadian, British, German, Italian and even the Chinese prime
>ministers.
Tom: What? No message to the Aussies?
Those pommie bastards!
> The South Korean
president and the North Korean
>premier--who rarely agreed on anything--
Tom: And by "rarely" we mean
"Not even on the direction the
earth rotates."
>
had agreed to jointly
>defend their respective nations if the crisis spilled into their
>area.
Mike: Yeah, let's trust the North Koreans to leap to our defense.
> Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos,
All: [screeching the cry of the damned]
*AAAAAAAAAUGH!*
Mike: Not *AGAIN*!
Tom: [panicked] For the love of god,
someone take his almanac
away!
Crow: Mike, please! Pull my eyes out and step on'em!
Mike: I can't, Crow. I wish I could.
Really.
>
Mynamar, Thailand, India, Nepal,
Tom: [queasy] He's created a verbal
equivalent of
seasickness!
Mike: There, there, honey. Do you want
some ginger ale?
>Bhutan, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Afghanistan,
Crow: Now, Mike, you know how much I love endless, mind-numbing
lists of things that don't further
the story! But even I
have to admit Peter may have gone
too far!
Mike: It does sorta reduce the impact of the twenty-three other
endless mind-numbing lists of
things that didn't further
the story.
Crow: Exactly!
>
Indonesia, the
>Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Australia
Tom: And Chad!
>
and all the various
>Oceanic nations had all declared states of emergency.
Tom: Australia actually declared a
state of emergency
because they were running low on
beer.
Mike: Still, New Zealand hasn't been cowed by the terrorists!
Crow: Good show!
> The UN
>Security Council was meeting in emergency session. The American
>Congress was also meeting in emergency session, as well as the
>British, Canadian, French and Russian parliaments.
Mike: Wow. This would be a fantastic time to be in the
commemorative pen business.
Crow: Emergency legislation to save the world!
> The situation
>was teetering on the edge of World War III.
>
Tom: A call went out to the one man who
could end this crisis;
Jimmy Carter: Action Diplomat!
Crow: So, WW III consists of the World vs. Japan then?
Mike: Or the World vs. A Single Plane.
Tom: Of course, this is all contingent
on somebody actually
doing something!
>"Never before have I seen this nation in crisis like this," Gen.
>Torymura said. "We may not
survive this dark night of despair."
>
Tom: Duh duh dummmm!
>Tuxedo Mask went to him and said, "General, they always say that
>it's darkest before the dawn.
Crow: [Tuxedo] Well, they lie. It's darkest at midnight.
> The Sailor Senshi and I have
>fought against worse odds than this and prevailed.
Mike: But haven't they ever encountered such hackneyed
contrivances before?
> Many a time
>it seemed that the entire planet would fall to the forces of
>evil, but we prevailed. This is not
the time to despair."
>
Crow: [Tuxy] Wait about an hour. Then
knock yourself out.
>Gen. Torymura then realized he did have an ace in the hole.
Tom: And a bird in the hand, and a
monkey on his back...
> He
>ordered a Ground SDF private to approach him at once.
>
>"Private,"
Tom: Lick me!
> Gen. Torymura said as he
took out a pen and paper,
Tom: [Torymura] We're going to do some
Mad Libs. I want you
to give me a noun.
>"Call this number and get in touch with a Mr. Hamada Ieyasu.
Mike: [private] Gezundheit, sir!
Crow: [Torymura] Stop that!
> He
>may be our nation's last hope."
>
Tom: [private] The old guy with the
plane? Are you joking?
>"Right away, Sir!," the private said, saluted, and proceeded to
>the nearest phone.
>
Crow: [private] Hi, Ieyasu? You're just not going to believe
what's been going on here...
>Gen. Torymura turned to Tuxedo Mask.
>
Tom: [Torymura] Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
>"Mr. Chiba," he began to say, "There has been a secret I
have
>been keeping to myself for fifteen years,
Mike: [Torymura] I really hate the Japanese.
>
and if I don't survive
>this, I want it to be known now.
Tom: [Torymura] I was the exec who
green-lighted "Shanghai
Surprise."
>
This situation has brought this
>to the surface, and now I think it should be made public. I
>guess you remember that incident where the Soviet MiG shot down
>the KAL flight that had wandered into Soviet airspace."
>
Crow: Was that the one where the MiG shot down the KAL flight?
Mike: No, it was the one where the MiG shot down the KAL flight.
Crow: Oooh.
>Mamoru replied, "I think we all do, General."
>
Crow: [Mamoru] Except for me, of course. I have the attention
span of clam dip.
>Gen. Torymura continued:
>
>"I was a recently commissioned Flight Lieutenant back in 1983 and
>was in charge of a squadron near Sapporo, not too far from where
>the incident occurred.
Crow: Over on Fifth Street, by that place that makes the soup in
a bread bowl?
> We were on
routine patrol and noticed the
>two aircraft near our position. We
went to investigate and saw
>the whole incident happen.
Mike: The incident? You mean when the Soviets murdered a plane
full of unarmed civilians?!
Tom: There was some unpleasantness,
yes.
> We could
not retaliate due to the
>Article 9 prohibitions.
Tom: And now we're recapping stuff
we've already been told
about!
Crow: [sobbing] We're trapped in an endless backstory loop!
> Later on, I
saw two names on that list:
Mike: Erin Moran and Senator Pete Domenici.
>my sister Torymura Keiko and my brother-in-law Kino Jimmu.
Crow: [Torymura] You can react to that, if you want. No?
All right, I'll continue then.
> If I
>had only had done something then, they would still be alive now.
Mike: [Mamoru] Hey, he's right! He's
responsible for the death
of his sister!
Tom: [Torymura] Well- I mean, I
wouldn't say responsible
exactly...
Mike: [Mamoru] Aw, c'mon, you may as well have pulled the
trigger!
Crow: [Rei] Sailor Senshi, assume shame-heaping positions!
>The board of inquiry that investigated the affair cleared my
>squadron from negligence, but I still feel I have moral
>responsibility for what happened."
>
All: *SHA-A-A-A-AME!*
Mike: [Torymura] If only I had whined and begged a little
harder!
>"Did your sister and brother-in-law have any children?," asked
>Mamoru.
>
Crow: [Torymura] I accidentally hit them with my car. I
somehow feel responsible for that,
too.
>"They had one daughter, Makoto," replied Gen. Torymura.
>
>Tuxedo Mask stood there with his mouth wide open.
>
Tom: Oh, he's being koi! Heh-heh!
Mike: [groaning] I, don't think so, Tom.
>"Do you know her, Mr. Chiba?, asked Gen. Torymura.
>
Tom: [Mamoru] Yeah, me and Mr. Chiba
used to go to college
together.
>Tuxedo Mask answered, "Yes, I do." He ran to Sailor Jupiter and
>brought her over.
>
>"What's the meaning of this, Mamoru?," she asked.
>
Tom: (Ahem) "This" - 1.
(pronoun) denotes something present
or near in place or time, or
something just mentioned, or
about to be mentioned. 2. (adj) same demonstrative force
as the pronoun, but followed by a
noun; as, this book;
this way to town.
>"Gen. Torymura," Mamoru said, "tell Makoto what you told
me."
>
>"Makoto, I am your uncle," Gen. Torymura began;
Crow: Boy, these Sailor Moon folks just do not have a grasp
on how to keep a secret identity
secret, do they?
Tom: So the army had a complete dossier
on the Sailor Scouts
that omitted their parents, full
names and pictures!
[growls]
> "I was on
patrol
>that day when your parents died in the Soviet attack on the KAL
>aircraft and saw what happened.
Mike: Cut and paste. Such a boon to mankind.
> I
know I should have done
>something, but we were bound by our oath to observe Article 9 at
>all times.
Mike: So what *is* this awe-inspiring Article 9?
Tom: I think it has to do with
establishing plot points.
Crow: [Torymura] Because of that, when I saw the Soviet attack
on the KAL aircraft, which
happened when I was on patrol,
I did nothing, though I knew I
could.
> I understand if you
can't find any room in your heart
>to forgive me."
>
Tom: [Torymura] For doing nothing. When
I saw the KAL plane
shot down by the Soviets, which had your parents on it.
When I did nothing.
>Makoto, however, suddenly flung her arms open, embraced her uncle
>and cried.
>
Mike: [Makoto] Please, please stop your accursed monologue
already!
>"If I only knew sooner that I had living relatives!," Makoto
>cried.
>
Mike: [Makoto] Then I'd have had someone to mooch off all
these years.
>"Now you have a family again," replied Gen. Torymura. "When this
>is all over, you will meet your aunt and your two cousins.
Tom: [Torymura] They've been killed by
the death plane!
Which you saw attack, and did
nothing. Aw, welcome to
the family, kitten!
> One,
>a boy, is a senior at Shinjuku Boys' Academy; the other, a woman,
>is a sophomore at Tokyo University majoring in economics.
Crow: There's a big odometer on the wall with the words
"People Killed by the Death
Plane" just spinnin' higher
and higher...
> You
>can move in with us and we'll take care of you. You don't have
>to be lonely anymore."
>
Tom: Well, except when no one's around,
of course.
Mike: We live in a nice place run by the Unitarian Church.
Oh, Reverend Moon is going to love
you so much!
>The other Sailor Senshi had gathered around to witness this
>reunion.
>
Crow: [Senshi] Look, it's nice and all, but we got a country
to save and stuff, 'kay?
Tom: They leave the TV just as it shows
the Neo-Zero blowin'
a children's hospital all to
hell...
>"Right now," Rei said, "I am so happy for you. It is ironic that
>the same event that robbed me of my family has restored yours.
>My blessings go with you, Mako-chan."
>
Crow: I'm not bitter and twisted with jealousy. Really.
>After the reunion, Tuxedo Mask was ready to get back to business.
>
Mike: [Mamoru] OK! Now I understand some kind of super-powered
jet's been stolen? Who can bring
us up to speed on that?
>"OK, as acting leader in Usagi's absence, we've got to prepare
>for the worst.
Crow: [Rei] I thought our worst case plan was you being our
leader?
> All of the Sailor
Senshi are to go to the
>Imperial Palace. You are to defend
it at all costs.
Mike: Always value the life of the head of a government over
its people. It's just plain common
sense.
> I will wait
>here for Usagi's return with Daria.
Crow: ...Beyond the blast radius.
>
Is that understood? Since
>neither Ami or Daria are here, I'm naming you as field commander,
>Rei.
Mike: Let Operation: "Uncoordinated Free-for-all" commence!
> Now, move out and protect the
Emperor. As it was said
>during the Meiji Restoration, let it be said now:
Crow: [Mamoru] Come, Mister Tally-man!
Tally de banana!
Tom & Mike: [Senshi] o/~ Daylight
come, and me wanna go
home! o/~
>
'Honor the
>Emperor and expel the barbarians.'"
>
Mike: [Tuxy] Just, uh, don't actually mention that while
Daria's around.
>The Sailor Senshi moved out.
>
Crow: But Mrs. Kravitz kept the security deposit.
>"You heard the man, people," Gen. Torymura said to the ragtag
>remnants of the SDF,
Mike: Now get out there and sell those Herba-Life products!
> "Move
it! The Emperor is to be protected at
>all costs! Go now and protect our
democratic way of life,
Tom: But first and foremost, protect
the monarch!
> even
>knowing that if your life is snuffed as the flower of the cherry
>blossom,
Bots: o/~ La Resistance lives on! o/~
Mike: [private] Sir? Is this another
irrelevant speech? 'Cuz
I got a roast in the oven, is all.
> at least you will go to
wherever fate sends you in peace
>with yourselves that you have defended Emperor, government and
>country.
Tom: You may never profess your love to
your family, but if
you spread your arms wide and let
the death plane hit
you, all is forgiven!
> If you are willing to
sacrifice your lives, do it to
>protect your families, to protect our civilian government, to
>protect all that we value in our nation.
Crow: If this a haiku or an inspirational speech? You make
the call!
>
BANZAI! BANZAI!
>BANZAI!"
>
Crow: The recruits throw three tiny juniper trees at him.
>With that, the troops cheered "BANZAI!" They then donned a new
>headband.
Mike: If they start singing 'Physical', I'm going to ...
Crow: Commit hari-kari?
Mike: Well, no. I was thinking a really nasty e-mail to
Mr. Guerin.
> It was red with a
depiction of the Japanese flag on
>it. The kanakaji characters on it
said:
Tom: "You and me, baby, we ain't
nothin' but mammals..."
>
"To protect freedom and
>democracy." All somehow knew
that if lives were to be sacrificed
>this time,
Mike: They were going to start with the Sailor Squirts.
> as of the Kamikaze pilots
of the previous conflict, at
>least they were doing this now to protect a free, democratic
>Japan that was committed to peace,
Tom: Justice, and the American way!
Crow: And people say America is overwriting other cultures.
>
not to appease militarists who
>were land hungry and had cowed their Emperor into silent assent.
Tom: Oh, he's talking about the
Wal-mart lobbyists.
>Why many American veterans still held the Showa Emperor
>responsible for what happened was puzzling;
Mike: For he was only supreme ruler of the country who
attacked them. Why are they so
bitter?
>
did he not, after
>all, secretly disagree with almost all of their actions?
Mike: Ah, but if it was a secret, how could they know?
> Even if
>their Emperor was not a god,
Crow: He could still make Spock sing "Bitter Dregs". That was
worth a few laughs.
> at
least he now stood as a champion
>of decency, order and democracy against those who would plunge
>all of Asia into turmoil again.
Crow: And he's doing one hell of a bang-up job, what with
letting top secret prototypes fall
into the hands of
terrorists and all.
> Now they realized what had went
>wrong for the past fifty-three years.
Mike: Sending your children to school in short pants is just
*wrong*.
>
Mistakes had to be
>admitted and repaired.
Crow: Or at the very least, buried deep enough not to be a
nagging problem later on.
> After that,
Japan had to strive better to
>fit into the international community.
Crow: Then, clean out the gutters and get the storm windows up.
>
Good relations had to be made
>with those it had once vanquished.
Tom: Hi, we ground you beneath our iron
heel in the last war,
but now we want to be your friend.
Whaddya say?
>
Perhaps someday, after the
>Communist regime in Beijing collapsed--and it was an article of
>faith that it would someday--
Mike: Based on this fanfic, I'm not so sure that Peter
has his finger on the pulse of
international politics.
Crow: The days of egg foo young are past. A bright, shining
century of soba and tempura
stretches before us!
> and the
democratic government in
>Taipei had taken over, perhaps then both nations would encourage
>the rest of East Asia and Southeast Asia to form some sort of
>NATO-like organization to defend themselves from threats like
>this.
Tom: Have we maybe missed the point
here? Could Doc
Helffen's real plan be to engulf
Japan in a deadly
cloud of speeches and
introspection?
Crow: It *is* getting a bit hard to breathe.
> Peace was the way of the
future.
Mike: Microsoft just bundled it into their operating system.
> Even someday, perhaps
>Russia and other former Soviet nations would join their old
>Warsaw Pact allies in NATO as a united front for peace.
Crow: Oh, yeah. Big alliances keep the peace. Just ask
Archduke Ferdinand!
> The
>threat was no longer from major nations like Russia or China, but
>from rogue states like Iraq, Libya and Iran,
Tom: -or the Reform Party!
>
and terrorist groups
>like the NIRAA, Islamic Jihad and the IRA.
>
Mike: And, of course, the Lawndale Militia.
Crow: Maybe it's me, but I don't see Japan as having a lot to
fear from Sinn Fein.
>Since the war, patriotism did not count for much in Japan, which
>was committed to international peace and friendship.
Mike: As long as it doesn't involve any dirty repulsive
foreigners!
> But now it
>was realized that one could still find pride in one's nation and
>still commit that nation to peace and prosperity to all nations.
Crow: o/~ And jingo was its name-o! o/~
>In this day and age, would not a nation's great achievements be
>shared by all?
Mike: Globalization, as explained by Walt Disney!
Tom: Yes, even the folks in Albania
revel in the release of
Windows 2000.
> For over a century
and a half Japan stood as the
>one nation in what the rest of the world called the "Third World"
>as a model for modernization and development.
Tom: Enslave your superheroes and make
them pose nude!
> But it had been
>reluctant to share that knowledge, and others afraid of them.
Crow: Well, to be fair, all those uber-kids running around
were a bit off-putting.
>Now, if it survives this calamity, it would find a new purpose, a
>new meaning for itself.
Mike: Line dancing!
Tom: I didn't ever think I'd be saying
this, but could we get
back to the fanfic please?
> The best
patriotism now was to spread
>the gospel of success, prosperity and modernization to those who
>were still in the dark.
Tom: Work all day, drink, and sing
tonelessly to popular songs!
Crow: Their first target: The Amish!
> It did not
have to be by bullets or
>napalm, but by technology and progress.
Tom: And annoyingly cute cartoon
creatures by the truck load.
Mike: Of course, when all else fails, ya still got your
bullets and napalm and stuff.
>
Thus, with this new
>sense of purpose the SDF troops find themselves singing
>"Kimigayo," the national anthem.
Mike: The national anthem of Japan is "Kumbayah"?!?
>
This song essentially was sung
>only at the start of sumo wrestling tournaments;
Tom: Hence the haunting refrain,
"You gonna eat that?"
>
it wasn't even
>played at the start of baseball games (team fight songs being
>played instead).
Mike: Gosh! I wish someone would tell us the fight song for
each and every Japanese team!
Crow: Yeah, perhaps in a long, unbroken list, to aid our
concentration!
> Thus a chorus of
voices found new meaning to
>those old words:
>
Tom: o/~ My baby does the hanky panky!
o/~
>"Kimigayo wa, Chiyo ni/Yachiyo ni Sazare ishi no, Iwao to nari
>te/Koke no musu made."
>
Crow: I think that's the break to "Double Dutch Bus".
Mike: Dilzouble Dilzutch?
Tom: Dilzouble Dilzutch.
>Translated into English, the words ran:
>
Tom: I'm sorry/I'm sorry/Did I bomb
your harbor?/A thousand
pardons/Sorry.
>"May thy peaceful reign last long!/May it last for thousands of
>years,
Mike: May you blow it out your earhole!
> /Until this tiny stone will
grow into a massive rock/And
>the moss will cover it all deep and thick."
>
Tom: Lessee...bulking up sumo
wrestlers, growing lots and
lots of body hair...yep, sounds
about right.
>The SDF was preparing to take back their nation from those who
>were determined to destroy it, but this time, they were doing it
>for a civilian government, dedicated to the precepts of democracy
>and peace.
>
Crow: And not just for a bunch of teenage girls in short skirts.
Mike & Tom: Oh no, no, no, etc.
>Gen. Torymura and Ryu stood there, seeing the troops leaving.
>
Crow: Ah! The plot's back!
>"Are we witnessing the start of a new era for Japan, or the
>beginning of the end?," Ryu said.
>
Mike: Depends. See any giant praying mantis-uss-es around?
Crow: Manti?
>"A few years ago," began Gen. Torymura, "I saw a film from
anime
>master Oshii Mamoru.
[All snicker.]
> It was called
'Patlabor 2: The Movie.'
Tom: It was head and shoulders above
"Patlabor 1: The Fuzzy
Black-and-White Photograph"
> In
>the film, a madman tried to stage a military coup and take over
>Japan, but the Special Vehicles Section 2 stopped them.
Crow: Oh, it's a remake of "The Trip to Bountiful".
Mike: I think they did it by taking an *action* of some sort.
'Course, I don't see how that
applies to our situation.
> I can
>only hope that the SDF will be able to stop them, for if they
>fail, we've lost this war."
>
Mike: Unless Bruce Willis and a rag-tag group of oil drillers
show up to save us...
>Those thought remained with him even as the last of the troops
>left.
Tom: And the scene, never having
started, can't really come
to an end.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Mike: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the "Grizzly
Fritz Cat Hebrew Cold Kugel".
>Lawndale City Park was jammed with people.
Most of them were
>members of the Lawndale Militia, but there were some curiosity
>seekers as well.
Tom: And some were extras from the
Tokyo scenes just hanging
around.
> The mayor, city
council and city judge were all
>bound and gagged and lined up for the firing squad to shoot at
>them.
Tom: Plane boarding, crotch kicking,
and firing squads! That's
our story, ladies and
gentlemen! Enjoy!
> Anthony got in front of them
and made this declaration:
>
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen of the class
of 1999 - wear sunscr-
Crow: C'mon, give it up, Servo.
Tom: Never!
>"As of this moment, I declare myself to be dictator of the city.
Crow: [Corlew} Woo-hoo! I never thought I'd be able to pull
this off!
Mike: [Corlew] And, I declare myself to be one of People
Magazines' "25 Most
Interesting People", AND their
"Sexiest Man Alive"!
>As my first decree, I declare martial law
Mike: Starring Sammo Hung!
> and a curfew
from 6:00
>PM to 6:00 AM everyday until further notice.
Mike: Oh, the WTO must be in town.
Tom: [Corlew] And I declare the
Lawndale Diner WILL serve
baked potatoes before 5 PM.
> All laws will
be
>promulgated by me after conferring with my War Council. Anyone
>who dares defy any laws made by me will be shot right where they
>are.
Mike: [citizen] Um... where we are right now, or where
we are when we defy the law?
> After this execution is
carried out, everyone is to go back
>to their homes."
>
Crow: [Corlew] Oh that's right! Your homes all burned to
the ground in the plane
crash! Well, just mill around
in a daze, then!
Tom: Do we simply not have a US Army
anymore?
Mike: It's been downsized to one guy named "Phil" and he's
out ice fishing today.
>Anthony got out of the way. The
firing squad then loaded their
>rifles.
>
Crow: I think it would be more appropriate to leave them
empty, seein' as how Pete keeps
firing blanks.
>"READY!," Anthony said.
The firing squad had their rifles at the
>ready. "AIM!," Anthony
now shouted.
Mike: So they all logged on and started a chat session.
>
They now aimed.
>
Crow: The Militia seems rather adept at following orders.
>Suddenly, someone screamed "ATTACK!"
Tom: And the firing squad attacked.
>
It was Mr. DeMartino and
>the Lawndale Militia.
Mike: And Smashmouth, for some reason.
Tom: So it's the Lawndale Militia vs.
the Lawndale Militia?
> They were in
hiding in buildings
>surrounding the park and now charged like madmen,
Crow: Darting their buggy eyes around and saying prayers to
the invisible soup god.
> their machine
>guns blazing.
>
Crow: I guess they figured if random violence worked so good
for the bad guys they ought to try it, too.
>"NO!," Anthony screamed.
"Not now! Not at my moment
of
>triumph!"
>
Mike: [Corlew] Well, okay, technically my moment of triumph
was when I took over the town. I
suppose I should have
shouted, 'NO! Not now! Not shortly
after my moment of
triumph!'
>Sailor Moon, in Eternal Mode, now swooped out of the skies like a
>fighter craft. She had a machine
gun, and was firing it like
>crazy.
Mike: Oh no! That's much worse than the sane, rational use
we've come to expect from machine
guns!
Tom: Um, shouldn't she be using her
moon wand or whatever?
Crow: Hey, why should she miss out on the ultra-violent fun?
> The Lawndale Militia now
scattered.
>
Crow: Wow. They didn't need an order this time!
>"Don't just stand there," Anthony said to the firing squad,
Mike: [Corlew] Go stand somewhere else! There's a whole world
to see out there!
>"FIRE!"
>
>But then, two voices yelled out, "SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!"
Mike: Sailors Beavis and Butthead have arrived!
Crow: [Butthead] Uhhhhh... Salmon Spray... [chuckles] Eat
lead, bungholes!
Tom: Ick. I'll have that image in my
mind for a while.
> The
>firing squad was frozen solid.
Crow: Of course, this happened after he said "Fire", so
everyone's already dead already.
Tom: Yup. Pretty much.
>
Daria and Ami emerged out of
>their positions and ran to free the condemned prisoners.
>
Mike: What? Handcuffs? Damn!
Crow: Um, Shabon Spray, go find a locksmith, guys. You're
on your own.
>"We've got to retreat, Commander!," Poindexter said. Anthony
>responded by taking his .45 Magnum and blowing Poindexter's
>brains out.
>
Crow: Oooh, Sherman's gonna be really pissed.
>"Anyone who retreats will be shot!," he yelled.
>
Crow: [Corlew] Of course, that will require us to be facing
backwards, so that we can see if anyone is retreating,
rather than fighting the enemy,
but it's my plan and
I'm sticking to it!
>"So, you're the man who's caused all this misery!," Sailor Moon
>said.
Mike: Well be fair! He had help!
Tom: Yeah, there was that whole burning
plane thing, too.
Can't fault him for that.
> "I won't allow you to
continue! I am the pretty soldier
>Eternal Sailor Moon,
Crow: Although you know me by my AOL handle, QtyPie47!
> Princess of the
Moon Kingdom, future Queen
>of Crystal Tokyo, champion of love and justice, and your worst
>nightmare!
Mike: So, all Sailor Moon is about is young girls standing
around, shouting out titles and
blasting things?
Tom: Now you know why Ratliff's a fan.
> In place of the Moon, I
will punish you!"
>
Crow: [Usagi] Or in place of the Punisher, I will moon you.
One or the other, I forget.
>"I won't let you stop me when I'm this close to fulfilling my
>dreams!,." Anthony yelled.
Mike: He's always wanted to turn a suburb into his own
personal military dictatorship.
Crow: Wow, he's so upset, he's
randomly spewing out punctuation
marks!
> With
that, he grabbed a bazooka and
>fired it right at Sailor Moon. She
flew out of the way as the
>rocket hit a nearby truck. Anthony
then fired another rocket,
>then another, and another, causing Sailor Moon to dodge them like
>crazy.
>
Mike: Looks like Sailor Moon has mastered the rocket jump.
Crow: I should get me one'o'them repeating action bazookas.
Tom: Nah, better to get a
semi-automatic bazooka and do
the conversion yourself. The kit's only $4.95 at K-Mart.
>"You can't keep this up forever, you know!," Anthony said.
>
Tom: He, on the other hand, is in
"God" mode with unlimited
ammo.
>Sailor Moon knew he was right. She
was beginning to tire.
Crow: Maybe she shouldn't have smoked that carton of Camels
before she started the fight.
> Daria
>knew that something had to be done.
Tom: Yeah, right. Look, ya mind if I go make a thousand-
year egg while you think about it?
> The National Guard troops
>that Mr. DeMartino contacted wouldn't arrive for two hours yet,
Crow: Well, just give a speech. They'll come before you're done.
>and they had to hold the Lawndale Militia at bay until then. All
>seemed hopeless until Ami came up with an idea.
>
Tom: [Ami] I'll distract them with
these yummy Hostess fruit
pies! Here, militia, catch!
Mike: [Corlew] Yum! For the tasty goodness of Hostess Fruit
Pies, I'll forget about taking
over Lawndale!
>"Daria, I'll try to draw some of that fire from Usagi," she
said.
>"You go and free the
prisoners."
>
Mike: Bonds. *James* Bonds.
>Daria ran to the prisoners and undid their binds. "Run, get out
>of here!," she yelled. They
ran to safety.
>
Mike: Wow, she really freed the hell of those prisoners.
Tom: Only to be captured by NIRAA
operatives and taken back
to Japan for the third- um, one
hundred and third- act.
Crow: Good thing they take orders as well as the firing squad did.
>Ami was beginning to draw Anthony's fire.
>
Crow: [Ami] OK, I'm getting the charcoal sketch down, now keep
your fire real still...
>"Save yourself, Ami! I've got
to stop him!," Usagi yelled.
>
>"You're our leader!," Ami said.
"I'm sworn to protect you at all
>costs!"
>
Mike: Oh, just die already! And no
comin' back as a precocious
superpowered dog named Scrappy
either!
>Daria then thought up of a plan of her own.
Tom: It's a miracle! Someone's actually
displaying initiative!
>
She stood right in
>front of Anthony, who was about to fire another rocket from the
>bazooka.
>
>"SHABON SPRAY, FREEZING!," she yelled.
>
Tom: I take it back.
>Suddenly, the front end of the bazooka was frozen solid. Anthony
>had just pressed the trigger, and not being a fool,
Mike: He just plays one on TV.
> flung the
>thing out of the way as the rocket hit the ice and exploded the
>weapon to atoms.
>
All: Huh?
Crow: Some freakishly precise reflexes on Anthony's part.
Mike: Yeah, 'cause a simple chemical reaction can initiate
nuclear fission like that.
[Mike snaps his fingers.]
>"WE'LL BE BACK!," he roared, and then fled with the others.
>
Tom: Now will he have to shoot himself
for retreating?
>For now, the Free Lawndalers had retaken the downtown area.
>
>"That was pretty brave of you to do that," Sailor Moon said.
>
Tom: [Moon] Or pretty stupid. Whichever
way, my bacon's safe.
>"I just had to do what I had to do," Daria replied.
>
Crow: Oh. What a depressingly bad response.
Tom: She just does what she has to
do! o/~ La-la-LA-lala o/~
Mike: [Daria] And I just had to act out of character, just like
every other moment of this sad,
sad day.
>Mr. DeMartino gathered the Free Lawndalers around him and said:
>
Tom: [DeMartino] So did you guys SEE
the way I just let him
SHOOT at you like THAT, without
DOING anything? Pretty
IMPRESSIVE, huh?
>"We may have won control of the downtown area, but the enemy
>still has control of the outside areas.
Mike: They control the sub-suburbs.
>
We have to prepare
>ourselves for another attack."
>
Crow: I propose incremental escalations of the conflict
through a policy I call
"Lawndale-ization".
>Daria realized that the next battle will either mean the
>liberation of Lawndale or the beginning of a dark age not just
>for Lawndale, but for the rest of the nation as well.
Crow: For as Lawndale goes, so goes the nation.
Tom: I thought that's what *this*
battle meant.
Mike: Pete really needs to sit down and read "The Boy Who
Cried Seminal Moral Consequences"
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Back at the Lawndale Gun Club, Anthony now was trying to rally
>the troops:
>
Crow: [Corlew] Free Red Dog for everyone who doesn't desert
the crusade!
>"We have suffered a minor setback.
Mike: [Corlew] Our forces have been decimated, our power base
sabotaged, and our weapons proven
useless, but we will
rally!
> But now it's time to finish
>the job we started. I'm going to
authorize all of you to use the
>sarin grenades that I managed to acquire from some El Salvadoran
>death squads.
Tom: Even Pete's grenades come with an
origin story!
> You are hereby
authorized to use these weapons in
>any means necessary to finally obliterate the enemy.
Mike: The troops immediately trade the grenades for back issues
of "Swank" magazine.
> Lawndale
>will be ours!"
>
>Everyone yelled "DEATH TO THE ENEMY!"
Tom: And so the Barney the Purple
Dinosaur jihad began.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Yoriko was now flying over Yokohama,
Mike: Ow! These sudden scene cuts are giving me whiplash!
>
the port that served Tokyo.
>She had bombed many critical port facilities and factories.
Tom: And that Jack La Lane's that lost
her driver's license
and refused to accept culpability.
>Flames were everywhere. almost
every critical military base that
>could be of help was obliterated.
Crow: Buried under a volcanic mountain of verbiage.
Tom: It must be comforting for the
Japanese to realize their
allies are just sitting back and
cooling their heels.
>
Yoriko was now heading for
>Tokyo proper and the Imperial Palace.
>
>"Soon, the NIRAA will triumph!," she said.
>
Tom: [Yerko] Won't it, Mr.
Fluffykins? Aren't you the
sweetest little kitten?! Yes you are!
>Yoriko was in a celebratory mood, so she cranked up "Black Monk
>Time" again;
Crow: I like Yerko 'cuz she plays music. There, I said it!
Mike: The only hint of characterization to be found in a
hundred-page radius.
> she was playing
"Complication." Gary Burger's
>savage guitar riffs lead into his angst-driven vocals:
>
>"Complication!/Complication!/Complication!/Constipation!/
Mike: Gary's a unique voice, with so much to say about...
his bowels, mostly.
> People
>cry (Complication!),/People die for you!/People kill
>(Complication!),/People will for you!
Crow: Wow! The new McDonald's jingle ROCKS, man!
>
/People run
>(Complication!),/Ain't it fun for you!
Tom: [slyly] Well, I'm not complaining!
>
/People go
>(Complication!)/To their deaths for you!
Mike: o/~ They kill, they die! / With tears and blood! /
They reach out for a BUD! / *THIS
BUD'S FOR YOU!* o/~
> /People cry (People
>cry!),/People die for you (People die for you!)!
Crow: So I guess it just kinda goes on from there. Tom: Yup! Crying,
dying, killing, etc. It's what we do.
[Crow sighs.]
> /People cry
>(People kill!),/People die for you (Yeah, they will for
>you!)!
Mike: So people will do all this, but I still can't get a
plumber on a weekend?
Tom: Well...
> /People cry (People
run!),/People die for you (Yeah, ain't
>it fun for you!)!
Crow: Mike, I feel the need to clarify my previous remarks?
I like Yerko? But this story still sucks.
Mike: [laughing] OK, Crow.
Crow: I just didn't feel comfortable with that doubt hanging
in the air.
> /People cry (People go!),/People die for you (To
>their deaths for you!)!"
>
Tom: You know, for a song called
"Complication"? It all seems
so gosh darned straightforward!
Crow: People cry, people die. Not much assembly required,
really.
>Down below, Tokyo was not sharing Yoriko's jubilation.
Mike: [pouting] Wetshirts! Can't stand
anyone being happy!
Tom: [Guiterrez] Laugh with me!
> Against
>the wishes of his advisors, Emperor Akihito decided to tour the
>city.
Crow: Course, the tour bus was having a hard time of it.
> he remembered vividly when
his father, the Showa Emperor,
>toured the bombed-out areas of Tokyo in World War II in a
>somewhat similar fashion; however, Hirohito was wearing his
>military uniform at that time.
Crow: He tried giving orders to an exposed I-beam. Sad little
man.
>
Akihito insisted on wearing a
>plaid shirt, leather jacket, casual slacks and a pair of work
>boots.
Mike: The Emperor of Japan or Lumberjack? You make the call!
> He insisted on riding in a
government motorpool vehicle
>instead of either his limousine or an SDF transport as the
>Cabinet suggested;
Tom: Oh, I'm sure the stuffed carloads
of injured survivors
fleeing the death plane will be
more than happy to let
him through.
> the latter, he
said, would have been too
>invocative of when his father rode on his white charger when
>reviewing the troops.
Mike: [Mick Jagger] o/~ Riding across the desert... on a white
Arab *chaaaaaar-ger*! o/~
> He even
resisted the suggestion of wearing
>a Ground SDF helmet; he wore a construction worker's helmet
>instead.
Crow: Emperor Dork, ladies and gentlemen!
> He wanted to prove that he
was suffering with the
>people.
>
Crow: Yeah, his palace was on the verge of running out of
the good 1957 champagne.
Mike: Doesn't this just prove he's suffering with the
construction workers?
>The vehicle chosen was rather plain; a dark blue Nissan Sentra
>that save for the kanakaji markings indicating that it was a
>"Government of Japan Motor Pool Vehicle" and the national flag
>and Imperial Standard on the front fenders,
Tom: Ah, just enough decoration to make
him a viable target
from 15,000 feet or so...
>
would have passed for
>any vehicle in rush hour.
Mike: [Jeff Foxworthy] When you give more thought to the
appearance of a minor transport
vehicle than to your
terrorist's plans for world
domination! You might be
writing a fanfic.
> Just in case, an SDF troop transport
>followed at a discrete distance.
Inside the SDF transport were
>the Sailor Senshi.
>
Crow: And "Operation: Arrive Too Late" swings into action!
Mike: They'd wisely chosen to avoid the sky, where they might
have actually had to fight or
something.
>The bureaucrat driving the Sentra saw a bombed-out elementary
>school, with National Police, SDF troops, EMS technicians and
>firefighters sifting through the rubble.
>
Mike: [police] Keep looking! Bound to be some Pokemon cards
here somewhere.
>"Stop here," Akihito said.
>
Crow: [Emperor] I thought I saw a quarter.
>The car screeched to a halt.
Mike: Causing a ten car pile-up.
>
Everyone clambered out of their
>vehicles.
Tom: Then ran around them, and got back
in.
Crow: I love a good Chinese fire drill.
> The SDF and Mobile Unit
troops surrounded the area
>with the Sailor Senshi staying close to him.
Mike: [Emperor] If any of those cops try to pocket some
rubble, arrest them.
> The destruction was
>horrific. The entire front facade
was down, exposing the
>classrooms.
Crow: Maybe they should've canceled classes for the death plane.
Tom: Never!
> The rescue crews didn't
even pause to see who was
>approaching. However, the crew
chief did notice.
>
>"Your Imperial Majesty," began the crew chief, "what brings
you
>here?"
>
Mike: [Emperor] A blue Nissan Sentra, like it says in the
narration.
>"I want to help," was Akihito's reply.
>
>He approached the rubble and began to help clear it.
Crow: Your Imperial Majesty! That is
actually the rubble
we've cleared away. You're moving it back.
> The stench
>of death was hanging in the air,
Tom: But not for long, thanks to new
Glade(c) Plug-Ins(c).
> but
there was the head of state
>of Japan, standing amidst all the chaos, helping to save lives.
Mike: [Emperor] Ah, look! A ring on a severed hand! Bet I
could pawn that for a sawbuck!
>In earlier times, this would have been viewed as the act of a god
>saving his people, but now it was viewed as a mere human, but a
>compassionate one, not afraid to do his part in restoring order
>to his nation.
Crow: Akihito found he preferred it the old way.
Mike: So he's playing in the dirt, instead organizing some
kind of defense. Great.
> Some of the older
workers, mainly EMS personnel,
>who had some memories of times past, stopped and bowed at the
>sight of their Emperor at work.
Tom: [nervous] Don't make eye
contact! He'll go away, if
you just don't make eye contact!
>
This was how one showed his
>concern for the welfare of his people, and not by riding a horse
>and seeing his armed forces in colorful display.
>
Mike: Hrmph. The Queen of Denmark gives her subjects ice cream.
>Soon enough, a girl was found, barely alive. Her brown school
>sweater, brown skirt and white hat were torn to tatters.
Crow: What, no bra size? I'm disappointed in you!
> An EMS
>technician began to administer CPR on her.
A few minutes later,
>however, she was dead.
Tom: [weepy] Oh, no! Who will bring her
class demerits home
for her parents' signature?!
> The EMS
technician closed her eyes and
>faced away from her. He began to
weep, the life drained from his
>exhausted face.
>
Crow: [furious] Now wait just a- that's how that English
teacher reacted back in Lawndale!
Mike: [sighing] This story's a Viewmaster with one picture
disk.
>Sailor Mars found a boy in the rubble.
HE seemed to be
>miraculously all right.
Mike: Because he was a guy and we're tougher'n girls
and all.
> He was a
bit dazed, though.
>
>"Mama?," he said to her as he rubbed his eyes.
>
Crow: Maybe if I close my eyes and wish real hard this fic
will go away.
>That one word caused Sailor Mars to shed a tear.
Tom: I'll say! Imagine that! Running
into your long lost
child buried in the rubble like
that!
> At least he had
>parents waiting for him;
Crow: Dead ones, to be sure, but...
> she had no one now. She hugged him,
>letting the tears flow.
>
>The Emperor surveyed the destruction.
Tom: [Emperor] Ok, Destruction. If I
told you John McCain
spent his POW years dressing up
rats as characters
from "Oklahoma!", would
that make you more likely,
less likely, or much less likely
to vote for him?
If I told you the rats were dead,
would that make
you more likely...
>
The Prime Minister pulled
>up soon thereafter.
>
Crow: [Prime Minister] Oh, there you are your majesty. I
came by to tell you that Yuriko
leveled another city.
Would you like to drive over there
and paw through
their rubble too?
>"All of the city is like this, Your Imperial Majesty," he said.
>
Mike: Gentrified!
>Everywhere, there were flames, smoke, rubble and carnage.
>
Crow: Except at Flame, Rubble, Smoke and Carnage World,
where things were quiet and tidy.
>"We have endured enough, and more than enough," was what Akihito
>finally said.
>
>Another car pulled up, and another bureaucrat appeared.
>
Mike: He was carrying a new supply of the vital Q34/AB12 forms.
>"It would be best if you returned to the Imperial Palace, Your
>Imperial Majesty," he said.
Crow: That's where the death plane's heading, and it'll look
weird if it blew up without people
in it.
>
"There are some reports that you
>need to look at concerning the damage."
>
>"I will be there shortly," was the Emperor's reply.
>
Tom: [Emperor] Make sure that young
Skywalker is prepared
for our meeting.
>His mind was made up. Something had
to be done about all this
>chaos.
Crow: [Emperor] Here, let me turn my back to it... ah!
That's better!
> All were looking at him now
for some sign, even if it was
>symbolic in nature. Anything to
rally the people to help their
>beleaguered government.
Mike: There's nothing like filling out paperwork to inspire
patriotism.
> He got back to his car and the party
>made its way back to the Imperial Palace.
Crow: Wooo! Party at the Imperial Palace! Wooo!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Back at SDF HQ, Gen. Torymura received discouraging news.
Tom: U-Conn had defeated Kansas. He was
now out of the
running for the pool.
> The
>government was considering surrendering to the NIRAA.
Crow: But that would make too much sense.
> Not only
>that, the American Congress and the American president were
>deadlocked about a joint resolution backing any UN efforts to
>send in troops to stop the attacks.
Crow: Gee, you'd think that the President would have some
scandal that he needs to cover
up...
>
Apparently the fears of
>another Vietnam, another Yugoslavia or another Somalia were
>hovering over them.
>
Tom: Why don't they all just pack up
and move to the next
island in the archipelago?
>Ryu went to Gen. Torymura and said, "If the government
>surrenders, the NIRAA will win.
Mike: With razor-sharp advisers like this, Torymura can't
lose.
>
That must not come to pass."
>
>Gen. Torymura then asked, "What was that saying your friend
>Mamoru said, 'It's always darkest before the dawn?'"
>
Crow: [Ryu] I thought he said , "So this is it. We're all
going to die".
>Ryu replied, "Yes, that's what he said."
>
Mike: [Ryu] He's got this thing for cliches.
>Gen. Torymura then said, "It's time to break the darkness.
Tom: Begin handing out the field-issue
lava lamps.
> Go to
>the Imperial Palace and ask for the Emperor's opinion.
Mike: Then when you're done laughing, get back here!
> If the
>people listen to him, all may yet not be lost."
>
Mike: They could just shoot down the plane, right?
>"Very well, Sir," said Ryu; he then left with Gov. Nagai and the
>Solar Warrior.
>
Crow: [Ryu] So! "Nagai"! What is that, Irish?
>Gen. Torymura was now alone. After
he joined the SDF, he
>converted to Lutheranism.
Mike: He always attended Sunday morning services at the
cathedral of St. Lex the Bald.
> That
wasn't a major handicap in Japan;
>Christianity was now as much tolerated as Buddhism was before it.
Mike: Accepted? No. Tolerated? Eh, as
much as anything.
>Even Empress Michiko was herself a Catholic and had went to a
>Catholic university;
Crow: I guess that explains all the Notre Dame pennants around
the Imperial Palace.
> she was the
first non-Buddhist and non-
>Shintoist to marry into the Imperial Family.
Crow: Everyone thinks their family history is *so* interesting.
> The Lutheran
>Church, Missouri Synod--which he belonged to--had made
>considerable inroads in Japan in recent years.
Tom: Thanks to the Gambinos, of course.
> He now knelt and
>bowed his head in prayer:
>
Mike: [Torymura] God, please save my ass. Amen.
>"Almighty and merciful God the Father, our nation now stands at a
>critical crossroads in its history.
Tom: Should we adopt PAL or NTSC
standards?
>
There are those in this
>nation who wish to restore the tyranny that had brought untold
>suffering on countless millions just over half a century ago.
Mike: The Toho studios?
> If
>it be Your will, stop these people from their evil intentions and
>guide our nation to a new and better day.
Tom: And if it be not Your will, I hope
that I am well placed
in the new military government.
>
Give to those who the
>sword of the state is given to the power to quell unrest and
>trouble.
Mike: Long story short? Just smite
something!
> Look with Your mercy over
our troops, and if they fall
>in combat, take them into Your Kingdom as honored war dead.
Tom: Huh. I didn't know Lutherans believed in Valhalla.
> All
>this I ask of You, the Ruler of this Universe, in the name of
>Your Son Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, who
>with You and the Holy Spirit reigns and lives now and forever,
>Amen."
>
Mike: Oh. And if you could stop the death plane, that'd be
cool. Amen.
Crow: You guys *do* know you just riffed a prayer, right?
Mike: Thanks. I'm not already nervous enough.
>Gen. Torymura now left the battle to God.
That was all he could
>do now.
Crow: Well, he could go out and give orders to the troops...
Tom: Let's take a rest before the big
battle.
[They exit.]
From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:17:52 2000
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Mike & the bots are talking.]
Mike: Wow! I don't know what's more
ridiculous about this
story - the plot or the concept.
Tom: Whaddaya mean?
Mike: Well, think about it - a Crossover story between "Daria"
and "Sailor Moon"?
Crow: Yeah! I mean, what was Pete
thinking?
Tom: Um, that they're both animated
shows starring teenage
girls?
Mike: Yeah, but that's like saying "Yogi Bear" and "Gentle
Ben" are natural crossover
fodder because they both have
a bear!
Tom: True. And I mean, think of all the crossovers that get
written just because they sound
good to *somebody*!
Mike: The *least* dangerous of which is stuff like Star Trek
and X-Files, or Forever Knight and
Highlander.
Tom: Right! There's some weird things
floating around loose
out there.
Crow: Yeah, stuff like Superfriends/Designing Women/Akira.
Tom: Or a Dragonball
Z/Baywatch/Sopranos/Twin Peaks story.
Crow: Oh, even that wouldn't be as bad as, say a Beverly
Hillbillies/Space Ghost Coast to
Coast/Dirty Pair
crossover.
Tom: Oh? What about a Little House on
the Prairie/Munsters/
Dateline NBC tale?
Crow: Dateline?!? Hah! Journalistic Drivel! Think of a
Nightline/Gone With the
Wind/X-Files/X-Men story!
Tom: Small Potatoes! Think of a Iczer-1/Space 1999/Little
Mermaid/WWF Smackdown tale.
Crow: With a little romance between Ariel and The Rock -
that's pure evil! Almost as bad as
a Project Ako/Larry
King Live/JAG Story!
Mike: Uh, guys...
Tom: Of course, Larry winds up marrying
Catherine Bell, and
that's just wrong. But not as wrong as, say, Harsh Realm/
CPO Sharkey/Hello Larry/Sixth
Sense.
Crow: Oooh, "I see dead series"!
Heeheehee! Hey, what about
a Hogan's Heroes/Police
Academy/M*A*S*H/Sabrina the
Teenaged Witch story?
Tom: A Colonel Klink/Colonel Flagg
conspiracy subplot, huh?
Hey, would a Wild Wild West/I Am
Weasel/Time Tunnel/
Aliens thing work?
Mike: Hello? Guys?
Crow: Nah, Wild Wild West just doesn't work with Aliens. On
the other and, a Next
Generation/Married with Children/
Gundam Wing tale has definite
possibilities!
Tom: HAH! Peg Bundy *IS* the anti-Troi!
Still, it's not
quite as bad as the Earth: Final
Conflict/A-Team/Thomas
the Tank Engine thing I'm thinking
about!
Crow: Please - having Mr. T do Thomas's voice just doesn't cut
it! But it's not any worse than,
say, a Hamlet/
Mononoke Hime/Monday Night
Football crossover.
Tom: Urp - the though of Frank Gifford
hitting on Ophelia is
nauseating! I like the idea of a Regis & Katie
Lee/Buffy
the Vampire Slayer/Mission
Impossible/60 Minutes crossover
better.
Crow: C'mon, who'd buy Morley Safer as a slayer? Maybe a nice
Moesha/Gunsmoke/Babylon 5/Chicago
Hope story would work!
Mike: Fellas! I think you're...
Tom: A final showdown between Marshall
Dillon and the Shadows -
that could work! So could a
Petticoat Junction/Addams
Family/Bonanza/West Wing story!
Crow: Nah, Hoss would make a lousy Press Secertary! In any case,
I think this Cops/Melrose
Place/Powderpuff Girls/Worlds
Most Dangerous Animals crossover
is the height of bad
taste.
Tom: As long as there's a scene where
Mojo Jojo rips out
Heather Locklear's hair.
Mike: Yoo-hoo! Guys?
Tom: What about a Matrix/Mr.
Belvedere/Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire/McLaughlin
Report story?
Crow: Maybe a Good Morning America/Late Night with Conan
O'Brien/Pokemon/ Dateline crossover.
Mike: Fellows!
Tom: Hey! A Just Shoot Me/Road
Rules/Crossfire/Josie and
the Pussycats story might work.
Crow: Sesame Street/Voyager/X-Files/Showgirls!
Tom: Quantum Leap/Moonlighting/Barb
Wire/Pop-Up Videos
story!
Crow: Godzilla/Sliders/Hong Kong Phooey!
Tom: Fifth Element/Remington
Steele/Alvin and the -
Mike: GUYS!!!!
Crow: Geez, Nelson, what is it?!?
Mike: Do you know what you're doing?!?
Tom: Yeah, naming random, weird-ass
crossovers!
Mike: Yeah, but you're also - I mean, LOOK!!!
[Mike gestures at screen]
[Cut to three guys sitting in front of a monitor. All are
writing furiously in spiral
notebooks. One is talking on
a cell phone. The second wears glasses
and a Radford U
sweatshirt. The third wears a bright
yellow trenchcoat.
They are played by Patrick Brantseg,
Brad Pitt and Paul
Chapin, respectively.]
Author #1: You see, the Prime Minister appoints a Cabinet
of Ministers. Among the most
important include
Education, Finance, and
International Trade and Industry,
or MITI. As in - hold on, Bobo -
[to the screen] I'm
still listening, you guys, keep
going - [back to phone]
like I was saying, Bobo, as in a
parliamentary system,
the Cabinet consist of members of
the party in the majority
in the House of Representatives.
Other functions of the
national government are... [trails
off into the background]
Author #2: Yes, please go on. We're
getting lots of wonderful
new ideas. All I have to do is add
a plucky young starship
captain and I've got an instant
masterpiece! This is great!
Ooh! I can add in stockcar racing
too...!
Author #3: In dede so it's is, Meik of Neslon. you small rebit
chims are fantasy of sorcis ides.
[Subtitle appears reading: "Indeed it is, Mike. Your robot
friends are a fantastic source of
ideas."]
[SoL]
[The Bots are stunned into horrified silence. Mike is shaking
his head ruefully]
Mike: You guys know better than to give authors ideas! What
were you two *thinking*?!?
Crow: Oh, sweet baby Torgo - what have we done?!?
Tom: Mike? Can you just - oh, I don't
know - dump the two of
us into a low Earth orbit so we
can plummet through the
atmosphere and burn up on re-entry?
Mike: Oh, so I can face all that stuff alone?
Nope! You're
staying right here!
Crow: Boy, Mike, sometimes you can be really selfish!
[Lights flash]
Mike: Hey, I'm not the one who - oh never mind, WE GOT MISERY
SIGN!!!
[Chaos ensues as Mike hits the light and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike & Bots re-enter]
Tom: It's just all about you, isn't
it?!
Mike: We'll settle this later. Now hush
up and read.
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
Mike: We now return to "Miserly Bittburg Kneepads for
Couscous".
>Data 11: The Solar Warrior's
Origins
>
>The Solar Warrior had the attention of everyone at SDF HQ now.
>He thus began to speak about his origins:
>
Crow: I was rocketed from a distant planet after my parents
were killed by a mugger, then
bitten by a radioactive
spider which had been injected
with the super soldier
formula, and after I was bathed in
electrified chemicals
during a gamma bomb test while -
Mike: Thank you, we get it.
>"To begin my story, I must take you back tens of thousands of
>years, even before the Moon Kingdom itself was founded.
Tom: Back to when Strom Thurmond was
still a young man.
> It was
>the time of the 'Golden Epoch,' an era of universal peace and
>prosperity that existed long before the Silver Millennium.
Mike: The fifties?
> At
>the heart of this Golden Epoch was the Solar Realm,
Mike: When in Chicago, visit the Solar Realm - downtown!
> a kingdom
>that was governed on truth, justice and mercy.
Crow: Those who dissented were boiled in corn syrup!
Tom: Look! There's ReBob, Master of the
Yards, doing a little
jig in the background!
Crow: Cool!
Mike: Huh?
Tom: You weren't here on that one,
Mikey.
> The Solarians
>themselves lived in a pocket dimension that existed within the
>Sun;
Crow: Any relation to the Bellarians?
Mike: Don't start.
> my race was old when time was
young.
Mike: [Rei] So you invented time? What'd you do before?
Tom: [Warrior] Eh. Hung out, ate, made
hand puppets. Whatever.
>
Our ruler and god was
>known as the Guardian of the Sun, but since our ruler was away on
>a ten thousand year journey to acquire knowledge of the other
>alien races that exist in this galaxy,
Tom: Boy, that's a heck of a vacation!
Crow: These acquisitions involved the vigorous trading of gunfire.
>
our kingdom was governed
>by the Royal High Council,consisting of the High Priests of the
>Sun.
Mike: Along with the Vice President of Brewing Tea, and the
Under-Secretary for Drying
Tomatoes.
> Law and order was maintained
by the Holy Order of the Solar
>Knights, and I, Nakajimi Tetsuo,
Tom: The Sun Jerk!
> was one of them.
Crow: Back then, though, he was known as "Stinky".
> I was born to
>one of the most powerful families of the nobility;
Mike: The Kennedys?
> we ruled what
>we had called the Planetary Province of Terra, what you call
>Earth.
Crow: Also known as the South Bronx of the solar system.
> The Solar Realm consisted of all
of your Solar System. The
>Solar Knights were known for their even-handed administration of
>justice and acts of chivalry.
Mike: [Solar] Oh, wait, no. That was Camelot. We were a bunch
of vindictive sun hicks drunk on
power and jello shots.
>
Everyone who lived in our realm
>was assured that no criminal would escape, no cry for help go
>unheeded.
Crow: [Solar] And they *bought* it! Man, the voters are morons...
but what was I saying?
Tom: Well what if the criminals cried
for help? What then,
Mr. Sun Jerk? Hmm?
> Soon I was made the
Exalted Commandant of the Solar
>Knights, and I was set to marry the Crown Princess herself once
>she and the Guardian of the Sun returned.
>
Mike: [Solar] Then I met this girl named "Pixley", and...
>"However, that was not to be.
One day, we were on routine patrol
>near Pluto, when we received a distress call.
Mike: Oh, no. Not the KAL flight again.
> 'Help! We are
>under attack!,' it went.
Tom: The Golden Epoch folks weren't big
on details, obviously.
> Soon we
heard a menacing voice.
Crow: [Dennis] Oh Mister Wiiiiiiiiilson...
> 'We
>are the Mecha-Dominion! We will
absorb your world into our
>realm! Rebellion against us is
useless!'
Mike: I guess the Solar Realm will have to call its allies,
the Jaborans and the Linkons to
help them.
Crow: Or they can make an appeal to that omnipotent race of
aliens, the R Continuity.
Tom: Perhaps they'll be saved by
Captain Wanejay of the SSU
Traveler!
>
We raced over to the
>outpost, but saw that it was virtually destroyed.
Crow: [Solar] But then we took off the VR helmets and saw it was
perfectly all right.
> We found a few
>survivors. They told us that the
Mecha-Dominion consisted of
>cybernetic beings who implanted computer chip devices onto the
>foreheads of those they conquered and made into slaves to serve
>the Supreme Computer that governs their realm.
Tom: Like those guys in "This
Island Earth"?
Mike: Paramount on Line three, Pete.
> They were on
>their way to Pluto. We had to stop
them."
>
Tom: Pluto was where we kept the beer.
Cause it's nice and cold.
>"We called for reinforcements, and gathered our forces at Pluto.
Tom: But that damn dog just kept
barking and barking, so we
drove over to Scrooge McDuck's
place instead.
>Soon we saw their vast armada: a
vast fleet of ships without
>number;
Crow: They'd all been filed off.
> ships that all looked the
same and were all in the same
>pyramidal shape.
Mike: It's the evil Fnord armada!
> We fought
valiantly, but their weapons were far
>too superior to ours.
Crow: Our only hope was that a dog swallow them.
Mike: Pluto?
Crow: Forget it.
> They had
weapons that could destroy entire
>planets and entire fleets of starships.
Tom: *And* they had Alanis Morrisette
CDs.
Mike: We just had the ability to put the word "sun" in front of
stuff.
>
Soon Pluto fell to the
>Mecha-Dominion. Thus that was
repeated with each planet.
>Neptune fell, then Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, Earth, Venus,
>and Mercury.
Tom: Huh, look, the galactic version of
the NIRAA attack plan.
> Finally, we made one
last desperate stand at the
>Sun.
Mike: Which was a bad idea. We all
burnt our feet.
> However, the Mecha-Dominion
Mother Ship fired a powerful
>beam, collapsing the forecefield that kept our pocket dimension
>inside the Sun in existence.
Mike: [Solar] OK, so it was stupid place to leave a pocket
dimension! We know that now.
> All
who were in there perished in
>solar fire. Soon all save I were
absorbed.
Crow: [Solar] Good thing, too, because if you think *I'm*
long-winded...
> I managed to
escape
>by self-destructing my ship and hiding out in a cargo box.
Mike: It's possible that when the box superheats to a million
degrees and is thrown free of the
explosion at the speed of
sound only to gradually cool to
absolute zero, he'll rethink
the wisdom of this plan.
Tom: [Mecha-Dominion] OK! Good work, people! Now let's go
through the wreckage and salvage
everything except that box
that's screaming for its mommy.
> I had
>managed to take some provisions beforehand.
Mike: This is gonna end with a can opener joke.
Tom: Yup. I can smell it.
Crow: The dope probably drilled air holes in his box before he
remembered space was a vacuum!
> I was in there for a
>month until a squadron of the United Galactic Confederation
>Defense Forces rescued me.
Crow: Should we wonder why these guys didn't help them?
Mike: Nope, I don't think so.
Crow: Oh, ok.
> They
briefed me on what happened. All
>but a remnant who managed to escape had been taken from every
>planet in our realm. I was the only
Solarian still alive.
Mike: Aw! And they were the only people who cared one iota about
your story, too! How unfortunate!
> The
>Solar Realm was no more, and I was the last Holy Solar Knight.
Crow: So you can see how I must be your ally!
Right? Guys?
[Mike and Tom make snoring sounds of the Senshi.]
> I
>finally settled on the Moon--which even then had people on it--
Tom: Plenty of parking, and close to
the interstate!
>and settled with some survivors.
Mike: It was great! Until we all died due to lack of air.
>
Back then, after the Mecha-
>Dominion attack, each planet was governed under its own system of
>government.
Tom: Saturn's use of the "Rock
Scissors Paper" government wasn't
such a big success, though.
Crow: *WILL YOU GET TO THE FLIPPIN' POINT ALREADY?!*
Mike: Crow? There are more points on a ball of Play-doh, fella.
Give it up.
[Crow growls.]
> Earth had fallen into
anarchy and chaos, while
>Mercury, Venus and Jupiter had become monarchies.
Tom: Machiavelli's "The Prince of
Space"
> Mars, Saturn
>and Pluto were republics while Uranus and Neptune had become
>military dictatorships.
Tom: Vulcan was an anarcho-capitalist
syndicate, Tatooine
had become a theocratic state, and
Arakkis groaned under
a Lynchocracy.
> The Moon
had become a republic with a
>strong centralized system of government;
Mike: And Triton was run by the winners of that week's episode
of "Greed."
>
there was a powerful
>president and an equally powerful parliament and high court.
Mike: And soon after, Lunar bureaucrats,
>Soon enough, the president had asked me to head the newly created
>Lunar Republic Security Force.
Tom: Your first assignment will be to
*SHUT UP!*
> I
served in that capacity for
>thirty years."
>
Crow: Which is not nearly as long as this exposition--PICK UP
THE PACE!!!
>"Then, one day, the long-absent Guardian of the Sun returned.
>She stopped by the Moon and asked for me.
Crow: [Guardian] Hey! Anybody seen the
Sun Jerk? Oh, hey! So,
I hear your entire race got wiped
out. Bummer, huh?
>
I saw her at my office
>in Tranquillity City, the capital of the Lunar Republic. I still
>remember everything as it was yesterday.
Tom: o/~ Paaarking by the lake, and
there was not another
car... o/~
Mike: TOM!
Tom: What?
Mike: No Meatloaf or Steinman, remember?
Tom: But it was a perfect opening...
>
I remember when I first
>saw her, she said, 'I know you carry a tremendous burden in your
>heart.
Tom: But fear not, Regis will return
with all new episodes of
"Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?"!
> I know you lost everyone you
cared for. But I want to
>make that up to you.
Mike: [Guardian] Here's a coupon for a free Whopper combo meal.
Welp! Gotta dash.
> I am the
Guardian of the Sun, who was once
>the ruler of the now extinct Solar Realm.'"
>
Crow: Well, you did a real sucky job of guarding it, you know.
>"I then asked, 'If you are her, then why did you abandon us?'"
>
Mike: [Guardian] I got tired of the constant yammering!
>"She replied, 'I was seeking knowledge of all that live here in
>the galaxy.
Tom: You won't believe how many tuna
casserole recipes there are
out there.
> But now I realize that
I have been derelict in my
>duties. If I had been here, I could
have saved my people.
Tom: [Guardian] So - oops.
Crow: [Guardian] I would have put the word "sun" in front of
something, and all would have been well! What, why are
you looking- did you try that?
> When
>my daughter saw what happened, she killer herself.
Mike: I'll bet she was.
> I know
that
>you were going to be wed to her. I
am sorry.'"
>
Mike: [Guardian] You lost a date, I lost a tax break. We both
lose. No hard feelings, right?
>"I felt such a great loss then.
But then she pointed toward the
>Earth and spoke further;"
>
Tom: Huh. I can see the Great Wall of
China. And the Staten
Island landfill. Cool.
>"'Look at the Earth.
Mike: But hurry! According to Edgar Cayce, it'll disappear
after January 1st.
> When my ancestors, Izanagi and
Izanami,
>created the Earth, the mud dripping from Izanami's spear created
>those islands you see off the coast of East Asia.
Crow: Australia? That's a mudpie that Izanami tried to
convince Izanagi to eat.
> On that
>nation, the gods themselves took human form and decided to live
>there.
Crow: As all of the condos in Vail were already booked.
> They call this land in their
tongue Nihon,
Tom: Since it was all they could
pronounce while the land was
on their tongue.
> which means to
>them the source of the Sun.
Tom: o/~ And he shall be Nihon, and he
shall be a good man... o/~
Mike: *That's* a stretch.
Tom: This fic is laying waste to my
soul--be grateful for what
you get.
> They
are a vibrant people,
Crow: And they paint with all the colors of the wind.
> but the
>lawlessness that permeates this planet threatens to overwhelm
>them.
Crow: If only we could create some ineffective superpowered
prepubescent schoolgirls in
low-cut costumes! That
would set things right!
> Already I have seen the
terror that these anarchistic
>humans do. I have visited this
planet in many disguises.
Mike: [Guardian] Once I wore a funny hat, and once I had a
Fake moustache and glasses, and
once I wore a Nixon
mask, and...
> In
>Egypt I saw the natives there enslave another race called the
>Hebrews who were fleeing from starvation.
Crow: But this guy named Charlton Heston came along, and
everything was okay. Until that whole
thing with the
golden calf, that is.
Tom: Which plague were the Sailor
Scouts, exactly?
Mike: Probably between the frogs and first born, somewhere.
>
In the Western
>Hemisphere I saw savage tribes cut out the hearts of other people
>while they were still alive and offer them as gifts to their
>gods.
Tom: Hey, don't get down on the
Quakers!
> I have seen lawlessness and
disregard for the rights of
>others. I saw cruelty and
disrespect and murder.
Mike: But enough about New York City.
> If this is
>what the attack of the Mecha-Dominion has left, then it is time
>to correct it.'"
>
Mike: So all the woes of humanity can be blamed on an
extraterrestrial army? Cool.
>"'By now you should know who I am.
Tom: [Guardian] I'm Ellen DeGeneres,
from TV's "Ellen."
Surprised? You bet I was!
>
I am actually Amaterasu-
>Omikami, the Great Heaven Shining Deity.
I am the Goddess of the
>Sun.
Crow: [A-O] I live on a star. I carry
moonbeams home in a jar.
> I hereby say now that I will
never again abandon my people.
Mike: [A-O] Except... I gotta go put money in the meter.
Tetsu, could you maybe watch the
people for five minutes
while I-?
Tom: [Solar, present day] And that was
twenty-nine centuries ago.
>As for you, you can help me in this.
Crow: [Guardian] I *want* to keep fighting for Earth's future, but
to do that costs money! Your contribution of $100 or more
can make such a difference in a
child's life!
>
I will give you the power
>to face these anarchists who wish to keep Earth in chaos.
Mike: [A-O] And soon, that WTO convention will just be a bad
memory.
> I know
>that you have developed a special affinity for these humans.
Mike: Your human is always so tender and juicy! What do you
do, baste it?
>They need someone who will hear their pleas for help.
Crow: Um, guys, I've forgotten - why is he telling us all this?
Mike: Because the Lawndale Militia is - um, no that's not it.
Tom: Oh, Daria's fighting the NeoZero
thing and, um, and...
[Long Pause]
Mike: Look, let's just fake it, or Pearl may make us go back to
the beginning and start over!
> Whenever
>the widowed and the orphaned are oppressed, whenever the less
>fortunate are persecuted, whenever those who cannot speak or fend
>for themselves need help,
Tom: When you're down and troubled, and
you need some lovin'
care...
Mike: When you're ready to admit you're *wrong*!
> you will
be there for them.
Tom: [Henry Fonda] Wherever there's a
cop beatin' up a guy,
I'll be there.
> I will
>make you immortal so that you can always watch over these humans.
Crow: But there can be only one, so watch out for those MacLeod
guys.
>From time to time, I will change your appearance so that you can
>walk among men.
Tom: [A-O] Zap! Now you're a skinny little runt! Zap!
Now
you're a Sumo wrestler! Zap! Now
you're Elle MacPherson!
> I will send you down to Nihon and you will lead
>these people through their transition to becoming a great
>society.
Tom: So Lyndon Johnson was a boring
anime space twerp?
> That way, never again will
I leave my people helpless
>without a savior to rescue them.'"
>
Tom: Unless the United States feels
like bombing them.
Crow: She later gave this same speech on "Chip'n'Dale's Rescue
Rangers".
>"With that, she bestowed upon me the powers I now have as the
>Solar Warrior.
Tom: So, you weren't born this
annoying. That's what you're
leading up to here.
> After that, I left
the Moon and arrived here in
>Japan.
Mike: [Solar] Oh, and it turns out I was responsible for that
whole "eating raw fish"
thing. Sorry.
> As Amaterasu-Omakami herself
said, I was given many
>disguises over the millennia. I
became Jimmu Tenno, the first
>Emperor of Japan.
Crow: [Solar, bragging] Rice paper? My idea. Pretty much.
> Humanity has also
known me by various other
>disguises. I was once Saint George,
the Dragon Slayer;
Tom: That was when "slay"
meant "to run in fear from".
> King
>Arthur of Britain; King Robert the Bruce of Scotland;
Crow: King Bruce the Robert of Australia...
> Sparticus
>of Rome;
Crow: [Solar] Note the prominent chin dimple. And my son is now
doing Catherine Zeta-Jones! Not bad, huh?
> Michael Collins of Ireland
and most recently Steven Biko
>of South Africa.
Mike: So even the gods have attention deficit disorder?
Tom: [Solar] Oh! And McGyver! Him too!
> Whenever the
masses were being persecuted,
>there I would be, fighting to right injustice."
>
Tom: So all the good things about
humanity are thanks to
aliens, too. Who'd'a thunk it?
Crow: Too bad you guys are all so weak and pathetic that you
need the great *Solar Warrior* to
watch out for you.
Mike: I don't know about you guys, but suddenly I feel dirty.
>"Eventually, the Mecha-Dominion attacked the Solar System once
>again.
Crow: [Mecha-Dominion] Aw, damn it! Humans again? I thought we
sprayed last time!
Tom: [same] Mm. Must've been hiding in the baseboard.
> The attack was so
devastating that finally Selene,
Mike: Dion?
> the
>Greek Goddess of the Moon, decided that it was time to re-
>establish a system-wide empire.
Crow: That's right, no ancient mythology will be left unscarred!
Marvel as Celtic pookas are
revealed to be from the bionic
chickens of Omicron Theta!
> She
took the best of her Amazons
>and the best men of ancient Greece, and settled them on the Moon.
Mike: Amazon Women on the Moon?
Crow: Oh, the Non-Humanity!
>Since this time, the Lunar Republic was obliterated, they had to
>re-establish a nation there.
Mike: OK! Let's knock that big black
monolith down and start
building us a Wal-Mart!
> Thus
it was that one of these
>Amazons, Cynthia of Corinth, was wed to Telemachos,
Tom: Telemachos: He Who Is Manly Over
Great Distances.
>
son of
>Odysseus,
Tom: [deeply] Father of Kolos, friend
to Braydor, keeper of
the fabled Seven Rings of
Doorimor...
> and thus the Moon Kingdom
was established and the
>Silver Millennium was inaugurated.
Crow: Kinda cheeky to name it when it's just starting.
Tom: Yeah, what if the ju-ju-bees they
planted won't grow
in the harsh lunar soil?
>
From them descended every
>ruler of the Moon Kingdom, even Queen Serenity.
Mike: So the Sailor Scouts are all reincarnated Greeks?
> During Queen
>Serenity's reign there was another Mecha-Dominion attack, and I
>was called to help in defeating them.
We were successful.
Tom: Wha- No details, no blow-by-blow
account, just "We were
successful"?
Mike: Well, we've covered both ends of the spectrum.
Crow: Oh well. Suspense is overrated, anyway.
> A
>year after, Princess Serenity was born,
Tom: Imagination not being a requisite
for queenship,
apparently.
>
at the same time that
>another person on Earth was: his
name was Endymion, who was a
>descendant of Roland, the nephew of Charlemagne,
Mike: Brother of Arthur, sister of Orlando, dog of Tristam....
> who sounded his
>horn too late in battle for help and was killed by the Saracens.
Crow: Let's just throw a great big history text into the blender
and see who *else* we can connect
to this wretched plot!
[Mike sighs, casually feels his pulse. He perks.]
Mike: Hey, guys, check it out! I think the story actually *has*
bored me to death! Look!
Crow: Really? Let me see. [feels Mike's
pulse] Hey, cool!
So... why are you still talking?
Mike: I must be having one of those "still-in-body" experiences.
Tom: [sarcasm] Oh, sure, Mike! That's
*exactly* what it is.
Rube!
Crow: Oh, come on, Servo. Don't speak ill of the dead.
>His wife Aude went into labor and gave birth to his great-
>grandfather; Aude then died from the shock of the news.
Tom: After giving birth to her
husband's great-grandfather?
Who could blame her?
> About
>twenty years later, I paid a visit to the Moon Kingdom once
>again, and I met him.
Mike: He was good people!
> I even
introduced him to the Queen and
>the Princess."
>
>"I don't have any recollection of meeting you then," Mamoru said.
>
Mike: [Solar] Hey! I'm trying to write myself into your continuity
here, do you mind?
>The Solar Warrior continued:
>
[All sigh deeply]
>"That was because you knew me then as Haakon Norjal, a Viking who
>had recently been converted to Christianity and was now using his
>fighting prowess to help others. It
was I who introduced you to
>Usagi."
>
Tom: So the moon's basically just a
huge cocktail party full
of random historical figures?
Crow: Pretty much, apparently.
>"Now that you mention it, I do remember seeing a Viking that day
>when I first met her," Mamoru confessed.
Crow: But he was a linebacker, and you're more the wide
receiver type.
>
"He said that he had
>visited the Moon Kingdom many times over the past twenty years
Mike: Had a lot of Cheech and Chong records playing, if
you know what I mean.
>and got to know the princess very well.
Mike: Know in the biblical sense?
> I think he said that
>we'd make a good couple. I have to
admit that back then, Usagi
>wasn't as much as the airhead she still is to an extent."
>
Crow: She's gotten stupider?
Mike: Well, that's true, I guess.
>If Usagi was awake to hear that right now, she would have
>blushed.
Tom: Next week, on Hypothetical
Embarrassment Playhouse!
> But she was still resting
from her recovery.
>
Mike: So she decided to wait until later to blush.
>"So now you see," Tetsuo resumed, "I have been on your side
all
>along.
Crow: Except perhaps for those years I spent as Phyllis Diller.
> When I heard that the Moon
Kingdom had been destroyed, I
>was stunned. For centuries
afterward, I prepared myself for the
>day that I would see my old friends again.
Crow: [Solar] I decided to lose weight and get a hair transplant.
>
When the Dark Kingdom
>returned six years ago, I was ready, but then, I was commanded by
>Amaterasu-Omikami to prepare for a threat to Japan even greater
>than that.
Mike: Layoffs at Sony!
Tom: Jazzercise!
> Little did I know that
it would be the NIRAA.
Tom: After all that poofy
pseudo-mythology/fantasy stuff,
hardcore Tom Clancy politics was
kind of a change.
> I
>promised Amaterasu-Omikami that I would stop them. And I hope
>now that I have earned your trust and can fight alongside you."
>
Crow: Well, if he's good enough for Dormamu-Omigodbecki, I
guess he's good enough for the
Sailor Scouts.
Mike: [Solar] I have earned your trust, right? I mean, I'd hate
to have to stand here and tell
that story OVER and OVER
and OVER again!
>Luna was the first to speak:
Tom: [Luna] Stone him! Stone him!
>
"We're sorry if we ever doubted
>you, Solar Warrior.
Mike: [Solar] YAH! Salem from "Sabrina"! Save me, Sailor Senshi!
> On behalf of
the entire Sailor Senshi, we'd
>be happy to have you on our side."
>
Tom: Thus sayeth the talking cat.
>Daria was so moved by the Solar Warrior's story that tears were
>beginning to run down her face.
>
Mike: So who is this, and what has she done with the real Daria?
Crow: [Daria] Moved, hell! This is boredom!
>"I see you are moved by my tale, Daria. You are crying," Tetsuo
>said,.
>
Tom: As previously indicated, yes.
Crow: [Solar] I see my hackneyed, retconned mess of an origin
story has touched your heart,
Daria.
Mike: [Daria] I was just thinking about that poor cargo box.
Everything it ever knew is gone!
>"No, I'm not," Daria answered.
"But then again, you have moved
>me.
Tom: In fact, you've moved me clear
across the room. Oh, look,
here I go out the door! See ya never, Sun Jerk!
> I must confess that ever since
I first met you, I have drawn
>strongly attracted to you.
Mike: But unless you can draw Sparky, you won't be eligible for
an exciting career as a graphic
artist.
> You're unlike any other guy I've ever
>met.
Crow: Can't argue there.
> But I know that this cannot
be.
Tom: Um, why is she talking like that?
Crow: Because this is a dub instead of a sub.
>
You see, I've got a guy
>back home in Lawndale that I have a crush on named Trent Lane; if
>only he'd know how I felt."
>
Mike: [Solar] Yeah, that's nice. Can we wrap this up?
Crow: Perhaps if she tells every single person in the world,
Trent will suck up the knowledge
through osmosis!
>"Daria," Tetsuo said, "Give it time. One of these days, he'll
>tell you how he feels about you.
Tom: Probably during a bitter divorce
proceeding.
> In
this battle, we're fighting
>for everyone we care about.
Crow: Jack Narz, Bill Cullen, Bert Convy... everyone!
> I know
I am. I have a wife and son
>back home in Narita that I'm fighting for.
Mike: [Daria] You're MARRIED?!
Tom: [Solar] No, Daria, baby! Our marriage
is over! It's
just a man can't leave his wife
right when she's about
to learn her husband's an immortal
superhero sun jerk!
>
I'm fighting for
>their future just as the Sailor Senshi are fighting for theirs.
Crow: [Usagi, from hospital bed] Um- I'm fighting for hair gel?
Tom: [Mamoru] Quiet, Usagi! No one asked you!
>Remember, if we lose this battle, we lose everything we're
>fighting for: freedom, security,
and family."
Mike: And a couple billion people'll die.
But mostly family!
> He then rested a
>hand on Daria's left shoulder.
"I can sense that you are a very
>special person.
Mike: He's breaking up with her already.
Crow: Things Bill must have said to Monica at some point!
> Use the talent that
you have for good."
>
Crow: Use your gloominess for good!
Mike: [Daria] Uh-huh. And how will I
recognize "good"?
Tom: [Solar] Well, here's my hotel
key... if you want a
*personal* demonstration. Heh-heh.
>Usagi was now beginning to stir.
>
Crow: Can I lick the bowl?
Tom: I call the spoon!
>"Uh, where--where an I?," she finally said.
>
Crow: Right after 'H' where it's always been.
Tom: Nothin' new here.
Mike: Nope! Looks like a typical school day for Usagi.
Tom: She'll be leaping out of bed,
looking for a bra any
second now...
>"It's all right, Usagi-chan," Rei said. "You're back. That's
>all that matters."
Crow: [Rei] Hey, guys! Our scapegoat's
back!
Mike: [Minako] Let's welcome her home by heaping a lot of shame
on her!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Guests of "Lizard Lips Fish Cheese
Meow Mix Precluded" stay
at the Plaza Hotel!
>Back at Lawndale High School, which was being used as the
>headquarters of the Free Lawndalers, there was going to be a
>reunion.
>
Crow: ["This Is Your Life"] Do you recognize this voice?
Tom: [Yerko] SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU BAST-
!
Mike: [covering Tom's mouth] No.
Enough.
>Trent was with his sister Jane, waiting for Ami and Ms. Barch to
>arrive with Quinn.
>
>"Janey," Trent said at last," I can't stand the
waiting."
>
Tom: Well, the waiting is the hardest
part, after all.
>"It sounds like you really care for Quinn, doesn't it?," Jane
>said.
>
Crow: Daria's not going to be happy to hear that.
>"Yeah, well, after all, she is Daria's sister," Trent answered
>her. "She may be ditzy but she's
OK."
>
Crow: Kinda like Joxer. You know, from "Xena: Warrior Princess"?
>Jane then said, "Trent, I know that you know that deep down in
>your heart you really love Daria.
Tom: [Trent] Yeah. I knew you knew I
know.
Mike: [Jane] Oh, Trent! I never knew you knew that I know you
know! I feel so close to you right
now!
>
So why don't you tell her that
>next time you see her?"
>
Mike: [Trent] Uh, like, tell who what?
>"But I don't know if there's going to be a next time," continued
>Trent. "Most of Tokyo's been
bombed out. I don't know if she's
>alive or not."
>
Tom: [Trent] Plus, to be honest, I
sorta got Star Spangled
Banner groupies hangin' off each
arm right now.
>Jane could see that tears were beginning to roll down Trent's
>usually calm face. Jesse went up to
him.
>
Mike: [Jesse] Hey guys. They're passin' around the sign-up
sheet for the "How many
pieces of Daria will they recover?"
pool. You better get in before all
the high numbers are
gone.
>"There, there, man," Jesse said.
"Things are going to be OK."
>
Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you
*soooooooooo* much! I
can't *tell* you *how* much better
that makes me feel!
>Trent finally broke down and admitted it:
Crow: [Trent] I - I - I thought Jar-Jar Binks was funny!
Tom: [Jesse] Dude!
>
"Man, I really love
>Daria!
Tom: [Trent] But since I can't be with
the one I love... Jane-
Mike: [Jane] Trent, even our family's not that twisted.
> If she's gone, I don't know
what I'll do with myself!"
>
Crow: Come on! There are plenty of things to do and see in
*Lawndale!*
Mike: Right! We can take in a football- um...
Tom: Or take a tour of the Mayor's
Offi- oh. Trent's right.
This bites.
Crow: Let's grab one o'them free rifles and teach some
mailboxes the meaning of justice.
>Jake and Helen couldn't help but hear that; they were a few feet
>away. They both approached him.
>
Mike: So much for privacy.
Crow: [Jake] Excuse me? Is this where everyone who's acting out
of character's supposed to be?
>"You know, Trent," Jake began, "You'd probably think I
should be
>telling you right now to stay away from my daughter.
Tom: But seeing how she's dead...
> But right
>now, I'm beginning to see things in a different perspective.
Tom: [Helen] What he means is he's
hopped up on morphine.
>Major calamities like this do that to people. Heck, I always
>wanted to front my own rock and roll band,
Mike: [Jake] We were going to call ourselves the Friendly
Poodles, a kind of
ska/punk/country thing.
>
but then my father
>sent me away to military school.
Crow: [chuckling] Yeah, right. He studied under Colonel
Sanders!
Tom: ROTC was "Roast Our Tender
Chicken"
>
That was such a bummer."
>
Tom: What I'm saying is you can have my
daughter if I can
be in your band.
>"Besides," Helen added, "I know you mother and father are
pretty
>good folks, even if your mother likes to listen to rap music when
>she's making her pottery.
Crow: [Trent] How do you know that?
Tom: [Helen] Dah- well, she looks like
the sort who would-
Mike: [Jane] Are you that perv we saw peeking in the basement
window?!
> Besides,
Daria says you have a pretty
>good band.
Crow: And when you're adequate musically, who cares about
genital herpes?
> Now if you had some good
management and some good
>legal representation, you'd be all set."
>
Mike: Never mind the crisis and the guns and the plane crashes-
let's talk deal!
>"You're not making a pitch to hire you as my lawyer, are you,
>Mrs. Morgendorffer?," Trent said.
>
Crow: [Helen] No, Mr. Lane, I'm trying to seduce you.
>"Not necessarily," answered Helen; "but it wouldn't
hurt."
>
Mike: [Helen] By the way, you could use a new lead singer.
I know this cute blonde girl that
kinda looks like
Gabrielle....
>It was then that Ms. Barch and Ami returned with Quinn.
>
>"Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer," Ami said, "I believe this is
your
>daughter."
>
Tom: No, that's Quinn *Mallory* from
Sliders! Our daughter is
Quinn Morgendorffer*, you
dumpling-head!!
Crow: Sally Field, in "Not Without Someone I Believe Is My
Daughter"!
>Quinn saw them and ran up to them, crying.
They both hugged her.
>
Crow: [Jake] Wait, this girl's crying! Our daughter wasn't
crying! What the hell you trying
to pull here?!
>"Oh, Mom! Dad! It was just horrible! Horrible!," she sobbed.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Their outfits! Horribly
mis-matched!
>"I know, dear, I know," Helen said.
>
Mike: [blubbering] But they were actually *watching* "The Man Show"!
Tom: It's OK. It's over now. No more
"Man Show". I promise.
>Mr. DeMartino arrived. "I see
you accomplished your mission," he
>said to Ms. Barch and Ami.
>
Crow: [Barch] Yes, the one called Carrot Top is dead.
>"Yes we did," Ms. Barch said, "and we asked for a female
sheriff
>to arrest those two scumbags Beavis and Butt-Head."
>
Crow: [Barch] We had to get one from two states away, but I
think it'll be worth it.
>"Still hostile towards men, I see," Mr. DeMartino said.
>
Mike: [Barch] Just the ones with Y chromosones.
>"Just remember who it was who kicked your ass after you cut out
>sports and clubs from the yearbook!," Ms. Barch warned.
>
Crow: [DeMartino] I know, and if I ever catch that darn
Alicia Silverstone...
Tom: [sighing] Petey me boy? Give it up, son.
Mike: Yeah, cite all the trivia you want.
You're still
Daria-impaired.
>"Let's go home now, Mom, Dad," Quinn said. "I want to get some
>rest."
>
Tom: Yup! Sleep's just the ticket for
kidnapping and sexual
assault!
>"Very well," Mr. DeMartino said.
"Ms. Barch, Ami, Jane, you will
>accompany them to their house and guard the premises.
>
>"You wouldn't mind if Jesse and I went along too?," Trent said.
>
>"At this point, I don't care," Mr. DeMartino said
resignedly.
Mike: Indifference is a rare quality in a patriot.
>"As long as you help protect Quinn until we finally stop the
>militia."
>
Crow: What the-?!
Tom: So has Quinn become the Golden
Child or something?!
Mike: I'm not seeing DeMartino's face on the dollar bill any
time soon.
Crow: [DeMartino] Hey! You guys, crossing the Delaware? Come
back, a pretty girl needs a ride
home!
>Thus Quinn, Jake, Helen, Jane, Trent and Jesse left for the
>Morgendorffers' house.
All: o/~ Over the piffle and through
the plot,
to the Eighty-Third Act we go!
o/~
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Meanwhile, at some other random
location.
Crow: [gruff old man] That's not the Goodrich "Swiss Miss
Busybody Free Block and
Tackle". Goodrich doesn't have
a "Swiss Miss Busybody Free
Block and Tackle".
>Beavis and Butt-Head were in a sheriff's department cruiser,
>being taken to the county jail.
Tom: Oh. Now see, this is the best part of the story yet.
Crow: Wait- aren't they frozen?
Mike: They must've popped them in the microwave at twelve
minutes a pound.
>
They were handcuffed and in the
>back seat, as was standard procedure.
They were trying to get
>out of their handcuffs.
>
Tom: I'd think they'd be more concerned
about frostbite.
>"Let us out of these! We
didn't do anything!," Beavis said.
>
>"And I supposed the body of Tom Anderson in the county morgue is
>still alive," the female sheriff's deputy replied.
Crow: Yes, and it wants brains!
All: Brains!!! Arrrgghhhh!! Brains!!!
Brains!!! Arrrghhhh!!!
> "You boys
are
>going to get the needle for this!"
>
Tom: [Beavis] Oh, joy! We can return to
our macramé!
>"Uh, don't you mean the chair?," Butt-Head asked.
>
>"No, I mean the needle. They
use lethal injection now in this
>state."
>
Mike: [sinister] They inject you into a Peter Guerin crossover!
Crow: Oo, a slow, agonizing death!
Tom: Talk about cruel and unusual...
>"The needle! The needle! THE NEEDLE!
THE NEEDLE!," Beavis said
>over and over again.
>
Crow: Over and over again.
Mike: Something that we're very used to today.
>The deputy grabbed her can of mace and sprayed it on Beavis,
All: Huzzah!
Mike: I've been waiting years for someone to do that.
Tom: Now, if they'd just throw Tom
Green in there too...
> who
>went "AAAAAAAAAAA!" as the stuff stung his eyes like a thousand
>devils.
>
Tom: [disgusted] Oh, he stole that from
TV's Frank!
Crow: How shameless!
>"Shut up, the both of you, right now!," the deputy roared.
>
Mike: Or so help me I'll throw you right back in the story!
>The car stopped at a red light.
Beavis said, "I've gotta take a
>whiz!"
>
Crow; Oh, no. Please don't drag him into this.
Tom: Great. Billy Batson and these two
are going on a
tri-state crime spree. I can just
see it now.
>"You'll get a chance to go to the bathroom once we get to the
>jail," the deputy said.
>
Crow: [Beavis] Shouldn't we stop at the hospital to treat
our extensive frostbite and mace
exposure?
>"But I gotta go now!," Beavis said.
>
>"All right, all right, " the deputy said, "I'll pull over by
>those bushes and you can go there.
But no funny stuff, or I'll
>shoot you ass!"
>
Mike: Ummmmm...
Tom: I know, I know, it's in violation
of every police
procedure from here to Podunk,
Mississippi. Just let
it go!
Mike: But it's just so - so -
Tom: Mike, honey, you'll hurt
yourself. Let it go.
>They pulled over, and the deputy took Beavis to the bushes. She
>undid the handcuffs.
Tom: So Highland found someone *dumber*
than Beavis and
Butthead, and made'm a cop.
> Beavis went
and relieved himself. But when
>the deputy came to put the cuffs back on him, he was nowhere to
>be found.
>
Crow: [cop] Aw, what!? He's magically
turned himself invisible!
The fourth one this week!
>"Beavis, you come back here!," the deputy said.
>
Mike: [cop] You're as elusive as Robert Denby!
>Beavis suddenly leapt out of nowhere,
Tom: [Beavis] Oh, okay. Darn. Didn't
work.
> grabbed the mace from
her,
>and sprayed it in her face.
Crow: [Cop] Ahhhh!!! That's CK-One, not mace! AHHHH!!!!!
> She was
sent howling as Beavis got
>into the cruiser and drove off.
>
Tom: She lacks the quiet competence of
your Barney Fife.
>"Hey, great going, Beavis!," Butt-Head said.
>
>"Yeah, now we're going back to Lawndale and we're going to pork
>that bitch Quinn for what she did to us!," replied Beavis.
>
Mike: After all, they are in an inconspicuous stolen police
car, surely they can make it
unspotted!
Tom: Yeah! Hey, do the siren! Cool!
Crow: Y'know, there's just no way around it - those two just
aren't good people.
>"Hey, Beavis," asked Butt-Head, "are you going to get me out
of
>these cuffs?"
>
Crow: [Butthead] These manacles are most unbecoming.
>"I will soon, asswipe!," shot back Beavis. "Just don't go postal
>on me!"
>
Crow: [Butt-head] Darn! Just when I had
the stamp meter, too!
>They drove in excess of 120 MPH as they headed for Lawndale.
Mike: [Lawndale militia] Oh, look! A police car from another
county driving into the heart of
town at dangerous
speeds! Let's wave!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>The Lawndale Militia's trial against the city government was
>continuing.
Mike: And now, an excerpt from that trial.
> Already quite a few
accusations--most of them
>groundless--were made.
Crow: But the one about the mayor's passion for stock car
racing was dead on!
> The city
judge,
Crow: o/~ Who held a gru-u-u-u-u-udge... o/~
>
for instance, was accused
>of taking bribes from the Sierra Club so that he could rule in
>favor of them in a lawsuit brought up by a property rights group
>in regard to conservation easements at a park that had a known
>endangered species of butterfly.
Mike: In reality, he was just taking bribes from the local
day care center to keep quiet
about their child labor
factories.
>
The city council was accused of
>giving taxpayers' money to a private company that was developing
>an industrial park in the northwest corner of town.
Mike: Aw, c'mon, we need a place for young businesses to go and
play on the slides and swings and
teeter-totters.
Crow: Anybody else see a paradox in the last two charges?
Tom: Absorption deflectors, Crow.
> In one
>outrageous charge, the mayor was accused of bringing welfare
>recipients from New York City in to Lawndale so as to drive down
>property values,
Mike: It's Lawndale! How much lower can
they really go?
> and was even
accused of trying to turn over law
>enforcement to the UN Peacekeeping Forces.
Tom: Nonsense! He just ordered the
black-painted traffic
helicopter to circle Helen
Chenowith's house a few
times.
> But it was only to
>get even more ridiculous.
>
Tom: For the third time, Peter manages
to sum up his story
in a single concise sentence.
>Anthony had the mayor on the witness stand. He was now saving
>his best for last:
>
Mike: Oh, his Elvis impression! This
rocks, check it out!
>"Mr. Mayor, is it not true that as recently as this past August
Tom: ...you were seen naked beneath
your clothes?
>that you were having an affair with a certain Ms. Quinn
>Morgendorffer, whose only 14 years old, for God's sakes?"
>
Tom: [Mayor] I can't help it! She looks just like that
Gabrielle chick on Xena!
>"That is not true!," the mayor said. "I only saw the person in
>question once.
Crow: And it *was* kinda dark in that closet...
> She and the others
in her organization, the
>Lawndale High School Fashion Club approached me about selling
>raffle tickets door to door during Halloween weekend.
Mike: [Tony] Don't you have a secretary for that?
Tom: [Mayor, sighing] That's what *I*
said.
> I did not
>have an affair with her, and that did not affect my decision to
>grant the permit."
>
Tom: But the photos certainly did!
>"I have this picture that proves otherwise, Mr. Mayor," Anthony
>said. He held up a photo of him and
Quinn at some restaurant.
>
Mike: Oh, no, it's Hardee's !
[All shudder.]
Crow: Ergh! Go ahead, execute him! It'd
be a mercy killing.
>"That picture is being taken out of context," the mayor
said.
Crow: [Mayor] She'd lost peas down her blouse, and I was trying
to help out.
>"We were discussing the proposed permit and the route they were
>going to take through town.
Tom: Mayor, there's such a thing as being
*too* detail
oriented.
> You're
blowing this all out of
>proportion!"
>
Mike: Well, you're a politician. You're
used to it.
>"I've heard enough from you!," Anthony said. "I now hereby order
>the jury to deliberate this case!
Crow: [juror] Um- what case?
Tom: [same] Was there a case going
on? We thought this was
the reading room.
>
Until they reach a verdict, we
>stand at recess!"
Crow: Yeah! Recess!
> He banged the gavel and the jury retired
to
>deliberate.
>
Mike: [juror] Aw, man, he never even called a slinky blonde
in a funeral veil as a witness!
>Somehow, the verdict was known in advance, but they wanted to
>have the illusion that they were haggling over it for some time.
Tom: The one lesson learned from the OJ
trial.
>Therefore, it took three hours of debate before they stopped for
>the night.
Tom: Three hours. And they already knew
what the verdict would
be?
Crow: Just be glad he left out that part.
> By the morning, the fate
of the city government would
>be known.
Tom: That's when the statute of
limitations on the graft
indictments expires.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Usagi was feeling better now. She
got up in a sitting position
>and was being briefed on the situation as it now stood.
>
Crow: [Luna] OK, here's a map of the damage, color coded to
show which of your shortcomings
was responsible.
>"Right now," Luna said, "everything looks bleak. Every ward in
>Tokyo has at least 45% damage.
Mike: "45%"? Did Japan put
one of those video game damage
meters over each city?
> Ruptured gas mains are causing
>even more fires than the actual bombings.
Many SDF and American
>military bases have been bombed as well.
Tom: They're hitting The Officer's Club
pretty hard.
Mike: [Luna] An' I'm pretty bombed myshelf! *hic!*
>
Even now the President
>of the United States is considering sending in troops to stop the
>attacks, but he's facing considerable opposition from Congress.
Tom: They're using opposing polls.
Mike: [politician] *My* constituents *like* the death plane!
Crow: It's still just the one plane, right?
>Our Prime Minister is holding an emergency Cabinet meeting even
>as we speak. The situation is
desperate."
>
Tom: But not serious.
>Matters were not helped when NHK presented this special bulletin:
>
Crow: [NHK] Japan burns while Sailor Scout watches television!
>"This just in from Lawndale, USA.
Tom: Armed teenagers run rampant!
Mike: Authorities perplexed! Who would give guns to schoolkids?
> A
trial is being held by the
>Lawndale Militia against the government of that city.
Crow: This is so much better than broadcasting the locations
of emergency shelters, or where to
find fresh water!
> The
>government's been accused of bribery, corruption, embezzlement
>and a litany of other charges.
Crow: Wait, this isn't news - it's just a day at the office
For most local governments!
> The jury is supposed to
render
>its verdict in the morning. NHK
will update this situation when
>we receive more information."
>
Mike: Meanwhile in Springfield, USA, the local film festival
is underway, with special judge,
Jay Sherman.
Tom: In Mayberry, USA, tensions mounted
as Ernest T. Bass
continued his window-breaking
spree.
Crow: And in New York City, USA, Fran Fine announced her
engagement to Mistah Sheffield,
then laughed maniacally.
>Daria realized that she had to get back to Lawndale--and fast.
[Mike and the bots rise to leave.]
Mike: [Daria] The plane crash is one thing, but I will *not*
stand for having our mayor
indicted on the wrong charges!
Tom: How will a hunger strike help?
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
[The Bridge]
[The Bridge is dark, although movement can be seen in the
background.]
Magic Voice: [V.O.] Ladies and Gentlemen, the Satellite of
Love is proud to present: The Data
13 recap!
[A spotlight shines down to reveal Tom, who has a pair
of airplane wings strapped onto his
torso.]
Tom: Ha-ha! With the help of the Death
Plane, I shall
rain death down upon Tokyo! But
first some music!
[Tinny music begins to play in the background.]
Music: o/~ I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over o/~
Tom: Ha! Die Tokyo! DIE!
[The spotlight on Tom goes dim as another spotlight shines
on Crow and Mike, who both wear
army-style helmets.]
Crow: The Death Plane's a'coming.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Should we stop it?
Mike: Thinking about it.
[Gypsy is illuminated by a spotlight.]
Gypsy: For once, when I was on patrol, I did nothing
as the Soviets attacked the KAL 007
flight, which
I saw them doing as I was on patrol
nearby as the
Soviets were attacking the flight,
of which I was
near.
[Tom, sans wings, is lit.]
Tom: Panama, Albania, Taiwan,
Venezuela, Canada,
Iowa, Pakistan, Chad, Peru,
Uganda, Paraguay...
[Crow, once again wearing his Sailor outfit.]
Crow: Like, wow. My parents were aboard that flight
that the Soviets attacked, of
which I am
aware of as my parents were
passengers upon
that doomed flight which the
Soviets shot down
which my parents were on....
[Mike, dressed normally.]
Mike: I once thought the Emperor was a god. But now
I vow to make Japan a shining
beacon of hope in
this world!
[Crow, now wearing fatigues.]
Crow: I'm in charge of this town now! BWHA-HA-HA!!!!!
[Gypsy, also wearing fatigues, is lit.]
Gypsy: Eat lead, you fascist scum!
[Gypsy and Crow go dark and Tom and Mike, both wearing
formal attire are lit.]
Mike & Tom: o/~ Monks! o/~
[Crow, wearing a sash, is illuminated.]
Crow: Say! Why don't I head out on the town and let the
Death Plane shoot at a moving
target for a while?
[Gypsy, also wearing a sash.]
Gypsy: I see dead people!
[Mike, wearing his army helmet again.]
Mike: Dear lord, WHY WON'T THIS END?!?! Oh, and please
smite the Death Plane for me.
Thanks.
[The bridge goes dark again.]
Magic Voice: [V.O.] Join us soon for our recap
of Data 14, which includes...
[Crow and Tom, wearing army helmets, are spotlit.]
Bots: o/~ One night in Bangkok makes a hard man
humble! o/~
[Mike appears in spotlight.]
Mike: Dude!
[Gypsy]
Gypsy: Hmm. I need a bikini.
[The lights shut off, except for the now-flashing
lights of Misery sign.]
Magic Voice: [V.O.] All this and more in the next
installment of "The Masterful
Snooze-Alarm
Nipsy Russell Bloomingdale's
Diaries!"
Coming up right now!
Crow: [V.O.] AHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT MISERY SIGN!!
Mike: [V.O.] I can't find the lights!
Tom: [V.O.] Found it! AHHH! MISERY
SIGN!!!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[As usual, the crew enters the theater.]
Mike: And now a brief recape of us entering the theater...
Crow: It's over, Mike. Let it go.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Data 14: Corlew's Last Stand
>
Crow: Aw, man, he's telegraphing the ending!
Mike: He's also implying action, but I'll bet there are three
or four twelve-hour speeches
lurking in the underbrush.
>The Lawndale Militia was beginning to move out of its bunker
>beneath the Lawndale Gun Club.
Every soldier was equipped with
>serin grenades.
Crow: [announcer] Plus exciting life-like Kung Fu grip!
> Somehow, this new
offensive seemed to carry with
>it the air of a suicide mission.
Tom: I wonder if the fact that they're
carrying highly toxic
nerve gas with them has anything
to do with it?
> As
the last soldiers left the
>compound, Anthony Corlew turned around.
Mike: It was a total eclipse of the heart.
Tom: o/~ Turn around, Bright Eyes...
Turn around, BRIIIGHT
Eyes! o/~
>
He took out a remote
>control device and pressed the lone red button on it.
Mike: The remote exploded. It was all
so very pointless.
> The entire
>Lawndale Gun Club complex was blown up via hidden ordnance packs
>hidden in strategic points around the area.
Crow: Wow, when they said they were going to bomb the house
for fleas, I didn't think they'd
be so literal.
> "If I fail in
this,
>there won't be a trace of this facility left so they won't have
>any evidence against me.," Anthony said to himself.
Tom: [Corlew] Aside from the debris and
wreckage, of course.
Oh, and when I declared martial
law in front of a few
thousand witnesses. Apart from
that, nothing!
> The Lawndale
>Militia was moving towards the downtown area, perhaps for the
>last time.
Mike: What do we want?!
Bots: To make a last desperate defense of our coup, while
destroying as much evidence of its
occurrence as
possible!
Mike: When do we want it?!
Bots: Now!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: Cliff Notes Beefcake Neoprene
Ha-Ha!
>Downtown Lawndale looked like a tornado had struck it.
Crow: Cows were flying all over the place, and Bill Paxton and
Helen Hunt were busily necking
non-stop.
> The Free
>Lawndalers just had to hang on for another hour until the
>National Guard arrived.
Tom: Just enough time for a quick
crotch kicking! Where's Jake?
> Daria, Usagi, Ami and the others were at
>the ready. Upchuck, the geeky kid
in school, went up to Daria.
>
Crow: [Upchuck] Daria? Is there Pez in
heaven?
>"After this is all over, you want to go to my foxhole and make
>love, not war? ROWR!," Upchuck said to Daria.
>
Crow: Ugh! How many more of these detestable characters will
get shoved in our face?
>"Upchuck, if you don't leave me alone this instant, I'll
>personally demonstrate on you what Lorena Bobbitt did to John
>Wayne Bobbitt!," Daria replied.
Tom: She'll make a proto-celebrity out
of an icky dweeb?
Crow: They replaced Daria's rapier wit with a bloody great
cudgel.
>
Upchuck got the hint and got
>away from her.
>
Crow: [Upchuck,weeping] I just want her to like me! Is it so
wrong?
>"This is it, everyone!," Mr. DeMartino said, "This is the
battle
>that will either mean the end of the Lawndale Militia or the
>beginning of a dark age for this town!
Mike: [DeMartino] Or maybe we'll just be THROWING our lives
away for a POINTLESS stalling
tactic. But I'm PRETTY sure
it's between the FIRST two!
Crow: Especially since Lawndale will be cut off from the rest
of the third dimension.
> We've got to hold on
>until the National Guard arrives."
>
Crow: What, they comin' by UPS?
Tom: David Lean movies move faster than
this!
MIke: I think they're waiting for those sanctions to
kick in.
>Just then, there was a commotion at the edge of town. The
>Lawndale Militia was arriving!
Mike: o/~ Oh, the Lawndale Militia is a' COM-in' down the street!
And they've brought free pizza and
beer! o/~
>
Anthony was at the front of the
>troops. They had gas masks on, and it looked like they were going
>to launch a terrifying attack.
>
Mike: That, or they're gonna beef big time.
>"On my signal, fire the sarin bombs!," Anthony said.
>
Crow: Man, if only ONE villain could keep a secret!
>The troops got ready to pull the pins on the grenades and throw
>them.
Mike: [scared] Grenade pins! They'll
take out your eye! RUUUN!
> There would be mere seconds
to stop the attack before the
>deadly serin gas would be released.
>
Crow: Wait- is it "sarin" or "serin"?
Tom: We're spellin' it both ways to be
sure.
Mike: I before e, except after c, or when sounded like "a" and
there's a bloody great gas grenade
headed towards you.
>"Leave this up to me!," Usagi said. She spread her wings and
>began to fly.
>
Crow: o/~ Spread your little wings and fly away.
Fly away, far away o/~
>The Militiamen had now pulled the pins.
The only thing that
>separated Death from Lawndale
Tom: -were the rational zoning laws
mandating Death construction
not take place within twenty yards
of the town square!
> was
the safety handles and a mere
>five seconds.
Mike: Plus a court order.
> They were ready to
throw the grenades.
>
Tom: There's nothing to worry
about. Turns out the grenades
are seratonin, not sarin.
>"THROW AT WILL!," Anthony said.
>
Crow: Suddenly, Commander Riker broke and ran like the
simpering coward he was.
>The grenades were being thrown at a rapid-fire pace. Suddenly,
>Usagi flew right above them, and waved her Moon Scepter around
>the general area.
>
Tom: [Usagi] You there! Stop tossing those grenades and
bring me a glass of nectar
immediately!
Mike: At once, your majesty!
Crow: So, she's waving her scepter around the general's area?
>"MOON PRINCESS HALATION!," shouted Sailor Moon.
>
Crow: Gibberish power!
>The energy hit the grenades and turned them all into harmless
>dust,
Mike: [pleasantly] Releasing the deadly sarin gas harmlessly
into the atmosph- [stops] wait a minute.
> which then fell on the
attackers.
>
Tom: [Usagi] Now feel the power of
Endust, miscreants!
Mike: Luckily the militia members had been Scotch-guarded.
>"GET THEM NOW WHILE WE'VE GOT THE ADVANTAGE!," Mr. DeMartino
>yelled.
>
Tom: [Daria] Say "please"!
>All the Free Lawndalers advanced on the bewildered Militia. The
>fighting was fierce.
Mike: And off-screen!
> Casualties
were heavy on both sides, but
>the superior numbers of the Free Lawndalers was beginning to
>tell.
Mike: [dully] Wow. The gripping
imagery. I feel like I'm in
the middle of the fighting.
Crow: Come on, Mike! This is just like the climatic end to
the end of the video to "I'm
Free!" See? There's Kenny
Loggins running away from a
theater!
Mike: Are you feeling okay, Crow?
Crow: I don't know anymore. I think reality is beginning to
warp around me.
Tom: On the bright side, though, we've
just drastically
reduced our Bacon number for this
fanfic!
> Soon, one of the Militiamen
was yelling, "Everyone for
>himself, and the Devil take the hindmost!"
*pop*
Pitch: Gladly, my friend!
*pop*
Tom: Hey, how'd he...
Crow: Oh,I gave him a spare key in case of emergency.
Mike: WHAT?!?!?!?
Crow: Geez, Nelson, don't blow a fuse.
I *said* it was just
in case of emergency!
Mike: But you can't - I mean - oh, never mind!
We'll talk
about this later.
>
Suddenly, Anthony saw
>his support dissipating.
>
Crow: His underwire support had given way.
Mike: [Corlew] Come back and die, or I'll kill you!
>"Come back here and fight, or I'll shoot every last one of you!,"
Tom: Death threats! A sure-fire way to
increase morale!
>Anthony said. But it was no
use. He was all alone now.
>
Mike: Yes, even the voices had left him.
Crow: [Corlew] Oh. Look. I'm surrounded by Senshi. Well.
Heh-heh. o/~ You're a grand old
flag, you're a high flying
flag! And forever in peace may you
wave! o/~ Are you
buying this?
>"Give yourself up," Daria said.
"The National Guard will be here
>soon, and they're going to restore law and order here."
>
Mike: Jerry Orbach and Sam Watterson save the day!
Crow: Maybe they'll bring Angie Harmon with them too! Hubba
hubba!
Tom: I yield to the prosecution, heh
heh heh!
>"NEVER! I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO
JACK-BOOTED THUGS LIKE THEM!,"
Mike: [Corlew] ONLY TO THUGS IN AIR JORDANS!
OR MOCASSINS! OR
MAYBE SOME KICKY LOAFERS!
>Anthony roared and fled to St.
Eligus' Presbyterian Church,
>which had a tall bell tower.
Mike: Maybe he'll shoot Howie Mandel.
> Daria,
Usagi, Ami, Jane, Trent and
>Jesse were in hot pursuit.
>
Crow: So do guns only work in firing squads in Pete's world?
Tom: I think it's more like: You
know. May as well chase
him. Somethin' to do.
>Anthony got there first,
Mike: Well, yes. That's the definition of "chase".
> and ran up
the stairs, first jimmying
>the door so it wouldn't open. Daria
got there soon after.
>
>"The door's been jimmied closed.
I can't open it," she said.
>
Tom: Um, can you really jimmy something
*closed*?!
Crow: Quick! Help me jam it open!
>"Stand back!," Usagi said; she then shouted, "SAILOR MOON
KICK!"
>
All: HAI-KEEBA!
>The door was kicked into splinters.
Tom: But her shoes are undamaged!
(chuckles)
>
She and the others ran up
>the stairs to the top of the bell tower.
Mike: [Usagi] [pant, pant] Oh! --- John Paul Getties! ---
Did you see some colorless militia
guy go past here?
>
Anthony was there,
>armed with an AK-47, some white phosphorus grenades and a Bowie
>knife.
>
Tom: It plays "Blue Jeans"
when you stab someone.
Crow: Oh, Knife, With Occasional Music.
>"STAND BACK! I'LL KILL YOU ALL
IF YOU DON'T!," he yelled.
>
Crow: [Daria] Hey, no prob. Trent, go make a chalk outline of Tony
at the base of the tower. Save
some time.
>Sailor Moon stood in front of everyone else and said:
>
All: [crying] NOOO-HO-HO!
Tom: [weeping] Will someone please
shove that scepter down
her throat?!
>"You evil man!
Crow: Bad militiaman! Bad! Bad!
No! Go lie down! Go!
> Trying to subvert the very nation and government
>you claim to be saving!
Mike: You may have missed the irony of that, which is why I
take this moment to mention it!
> I am the
pretty soldier Eternal Sailor
>Moon, champion of love and justice!
Mike: [Usagi] Plus, I'm a boom anime babe that makes you
think the wrong thing!
>
In place of the Moon, you're
>punished!"
>
Tom: Psst! Hey, no adlibbing!
Mike: What did the moon do that was so bad?
Crow: It was throwing spitwads at Venus and Pluto, and calling
Saturn a "big fat
ring-head".
>"You're not in Tokyo anymore, you Jap bitch!," Anthony said, and
>flung his Bowie knife right at Usagi.
>
Crow: [downcast] Oh, don't toy with us.
A plane couldn't kill
her. This won't cut it.
>Daria tugged on a rope, causing a bell to ring and strike the
>knife out of harm's way.
>
All: Huh!?
Mike: [little girl] Look daddy! Teacher says every time a
bell rings, an angel creates an
incomprehensible plot
contrivance!
Crow: [Jimmy Stewart] That's right, sweetheart! That's right!
>Daria now stared at him.
>
Tom: OK, speech time guys. Get your legs into gnaw-off position.
>"Why are you waging this war for?," she asked.
>
Crow: [pathetic] I just wanted you to pay some attention to
me. You and Jane have grown so
distant...
>Anthony replied, "To bring back constitutional government."
>
Mike: And turtlenecks. I really like
turtlenecks.
>Daria responded, "Then why do you want to establish a
>dictatorship that is the complete antithesis of everything that
>the Founding Fathers fought for in the Constitution?
Tom: Well, everybody's gotta have a
hobby.
> About sixty
>years ago, another group existed that blamed their nation's
>problems on minority groups and a so-called decadent government.
Mike: These people were called, "The Cincinnati Reds".
>They eventually got into power and killed many who opposed them.
>They were called the Nazis.
Crow: [Corlew] Never heard of'em!
> Groups
like yours keep saying that
>the letter of the Constitution must be obeyed,
Crow: And that letter is "C"!
> but you violate
>its spirit by trying to deny rights to minorities and others who
>disagree with you.
Tom: And that beret! I mean, c'mon!
What that all about?
> Besides, if you
really take over this
>country, what is to stop the same groups you persecute from
>forming their own terrorist organizations like the Black Panthers
>and the FALN?
Crow: If they do, da Prez will just pardon them when his wife
runs for office in that state too.
> Groups like yours
forget that violence only brings
>on more violence. Your vision of
the Americana Dream is everyone
>else's nightmare,
Tom: The Americana dream?
Mike: That's where everyone has their homes and offices
decorated like Main Street USA,
circa 1915.
> and I won't allow
you to bring that to
>reality."
>
Crow: [Corlew] I'll make you Surgeon General?
Tom: [Daria] Deal!
>"Then you are a traitor!," yelled Anthony.
>
>"No, you're the traitor, Mr. Corlew," Daria replied.
>
Crow: No, you are!
Tom: No, *you* are!
Crow: No YOU'RE the traitor!
Tom: No YOU'RE the traitor! Traitor,
traitor pants on freighter!
>Anthony screamed "DIE, TRAITOR!" and lunged for the Bowie
knife.
Mike: Then he put on his red shoes and danced the blues.
>Daria got there as well and a fierce struggle began.
Crow: [Daria] Traitoroid!
Tom: [Corlew] Traitorhead!
> They were
>rolling around the floor,
Tom: OK! So, the Sailor Twerps all have
massive, all-
encompassing superpowers that up
and *leave* them
during fight scenes!
> getting
perilously close first to the
>opening for the ropes, then to the edge of the tower.
Crow: Then to the edge of credibility.
Tom: We slipped off that particular
edge a long time ago, my friend.
> Punches
>were exchanged.
Tom: Hey, Mike, we should exchange
punches, too.
Mike: You're right, Servo. Here, here's
some of that mixed
fruit punch I was telling you
about. [hands Tom a cup]
Tom: Hey, great. By the way, Crow, this is that orange/
pineapple punch we had at Gypsy's
shower. [Mike passes
a cup to Crow]
Crow: Thanks, Tom. Oh, and Mike, you might
like this
tastefully tart lemon-champagne
punch.
Mike: Thanks, Crow. [takes cup from Crow]
> Blood was spilled.
Crow: Feelings were hurt! Mistakes were
made!
>
Usagi and the others stood
>there helplessly.
Mike: Heck, it's chapter 14. Why should they change their
methods now?
Crow: Remember, Sailor Kiddies - when your teammate is in
deadly mortal danger, rushing to
their aid is quite rude!
> Daria knocked the
knife out of Anthony's hand.
>Anthony then locked Daria in a chokehold and threw her up against
>the ledge.
>
>"You can't stop us all!
Tom: What, he's multiple personality
all of a sudden?
Crow: "The Three Fascists of Eve"!
> There's too many like us all over the
>country!," Anthony bellowed.
"Now I'm going to snap your neck!"
>
Tom: But first, a speech!
Crow: [Daria] Uck... guys... a little... help... now... GAAXCK!
>Everyone knew they had to do something now.
Tom: They could ring the bell, thereby
freeing Daria from
the choke hold...?
Mike: My mom told me you have to wait 30 minutes after
eating before you rescue someone.
> Trent saw the Bowie
>knife there on the floor and picked it up.
>
Crow: See a steak knife, pick it up, all day long you'll have
a steak knife in your pocket!
Mike: [Trent] Woah. Where'd *this* come
from?
>"I WON'T LET YOU MURDER THE WOMAN I LOVE!," Trent yelled
>
Mike: [Trent] But since Sarah Michelle Gellar isn't here,
I'll just keep you from killing
Daria!
>Anthony turned around to see Trent throw the knife right into his
>heart.
Tom: Not since George Clooney starred
in "Batman and Robin"
has a performer been so true to
the character.
> Anthony stood there for a
second, then drew the knife
>out.
>
Mike: Geez! What is it about these cartoon characters that
makes them so hard to off?
Tom: They need a Super-Soaker filled
with dip.
>"I'll take you with me, you welfare-cheating hippie!," he managed
>to spurt out.
Mike: The killer from "Halloween" got bitter and goofy in his
old age.
> He was ready to fling
the knife back at Trent.
>
>Usagi, however, ran up to him.
>
Crow: [Usagi] Hi! Have you been helped?
>"SAILOR MOON KICK!,"
Crow: And turn and kick and turn and prance and wheeeee!
> she yelled and
kicked him real hard.
>
Mike: Hence the term "Kick" in the phrase "Sailor Moon
Kick".
Tom: [Usagi] Hey guys! Suddenly it occurs to me that our
superpowers allow us to DO things!
Crow: Well, at least no one got kicked in the testicles this
time.
>The force of the kick threw Anthony clear of the ledge and out of
>the tower. Anthony yelled "AAAAAAAAAA!"
as he plunged the one
>hundred feet to the ground.
Crow: Really? I thought it was more of a "YYEEEEIEIIIIIIEIIIII!"
> The
body made a great "SPLAT!" upon
>impact,
Tom: Oh my.
> then was ran over by a Humvee
troop transport,
Mike: Oh dear.
> an M1A1
>Abrams tank,
Crow: Goodness me.
> and a National Guard
unit singing Fleetwood Mac's
>"Tusk":
>
Mike: And then a shark swam up and ate him, right?
Tom: Hey, if it was funny enough for
Zucker, Abrams and
Zucker, it's funny enough for
Pete.
Mike: o/~ Pow-Wow, the Indian... o/~
Crow: Let's skip it this time, okay?
>"Why don't you ask him/If he's going to stay?/
Crow: Well, 'cuz he left. I mean,
c'mon.
> Why don't you ask
>him/If he's going away?/
Mike: So Guerin as a kid didn't have a tape recorder, and
he just transcribed songs from the
radio?
Tom: Looks that way.
> Why don't you tell me/What's going
>on?/
Crow: More to the point, why won't someone tell *us* what's
going on?
> Why don't you tell me/Who's on
the phone?/
Tom: It's the author: he wants to know
what's going on, too.
Crow: Really?
Tom: Yeah, he apparently lost control
of the story around
chapter two.
> Why don't you ask
>him/What's going on?/Why don't you ask him/The latest on his
>throne?/
Tom: That's one long marching band.
Mike: Well at least the band's not going on about its
mysterious origins on the planet
Meloditron!
> Don't say that you love me!/
Tom: o/~ baby, I don't wanna know...
o/~
>
Just say that you want
>me!/Don't say that you love me!/Just say that you want
>me!/Tusk!/Tusk!/Tusk!"
>
Crow: Yes, whole battalions of troops are marching around
to the beat of 1970's neo-disco!
>Jesse saw the whole thing and then said, "Trent, this is bumming
>me out, man!"
>
Crow: [Jesse] I was rooting for Anthony.
>Trent replied, "I know, man, but it had to be done."
>
Crow: Wanna spit at the body? Betcha can't hit the eye!
>Jesse added, "My Uncle Phil went the same way."
>
Tom: Guerin got him too, huh?
>Daria could now see that the National Guard had arrived.
>
Mike: They were a bit winded from the long walk from the
parking lot.
>"This is the National Guard!
You are to surrender immediately!
>You are completely surrounded!," a voice said on a bullhorn.
Crow: And they're here just in the nick of too late.
>
>Daria went to Trent and said, "Thanks for saving my life."
Mike: [Trent] Dude!
>
>"I'll never let anyone hurt you, Daria," Trent said as he
>embraced her. They French kissed.
>
Crow: Oh. How creepily romantic!
>Some National Guard soldiers clambered up the tower. One of them
>asked, "Is everyone all right?"
>
Tom: [Trent] Well I feel disconnected
and abused by this
society, but other than that,
yeah, I'm cool.
Mike: [soldier] We thought we heard a- hey! You durn smoochers!
>"Yes, everything's fine now," Jane said. She had this satisfied
>smile on her face as she saw her brother and Daria continue to
>kiss.
Mike: [Jane] Wrong! God, Trent, do I have to show you
everything?! Daria, come here!
> She wasn't going to forget
this moment anytime soon.
Tom: It'd be with her in those long,
dark, lonely hours of
the early morning...
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
>Sometime later, the National Guard was beginning to restore
>order.
Crow: [general] OK, troops, sort those playing cards by suits,
while the sergeant and I
alphabetize these parked cars!
> Trucks full of captured
Lawndale Militia soldiers were
>being routed out of town to Powell Armory, where the unit was
>stationed.
Mike: [captives] Do you guys have a game room?
Tom: [guard] Yup! With billiards and an
old Pac-Man machine!
Mike: [captives] Wow! Righteous!
> The mayor, along with
the commanding officer of the
>unit, approached Daria and the others as they came down from the
>bell tower.
>
Tom: Kinda makes you wonder what they
were doing up there
for all that time, don't it?
Crow: [Mayor] Hey! Who's paying for all this damage?!?
>"This town--in fact, the whole nation--owes you an immeasurable
>debt of gratitude, young lady," the commander, who was Col.
>Thomas Wood, said to Daria.
>
Tom: [chortling, ala Butthead] He said
"Wood".
Mike: [pointing finger] Don't even start.
>"No need to thank just me, Colonel," Daria said,
Mike: [Daria] I didn't really want to, but it was in the script.
> "this was a
team
>effort."
Crow: And our hats off to the Lawndale Militia! They put up one
helluva fight!
> She threw her arms around
Usagi and Ami, then motioned
>to the rest of her friends.
>
Mike: [press] Daria! That play in the second half where the
Japanese butterfly girl blew the
serin gas away! Was
that the turning point?
>"Ms. Morgendorffer," the mayor said, "words can't even begin
to
>express our thanks to you and the others who freed our town from
>this menace."
>
Crow: But I suspect that "wrongful," "death,"
"endangerment,"
and "destruction of public
property" will all figure
prominently.
>Mr. DeMartino now approached with Ms. Li.
Somehow, the usually
>pushy Ms. Li was rather downtrodden.
>
Crow: After the soldiers tromped Corlew's body, they marched
over her for good measure.
Tom: Ah! This is the scene that
underlines the strong
feminist credentials of the story.
Mike: Yes, it shows that women can both fly around in sailor
bikinis, and be pushy and obnoxious
and wrong!
>"Ms. Li," Mr. DeMartino said, "I think you owe the good
citizens
>of this city an explanation for the callous disregard for the
>public's safety and the shameless huckstering of corporate
>sponsorship and waste of taxpayers' money you made with your
>silly football game."
>
Crow: [DeMartino] The REST of us PLAINLY foresaw the coming
nuclear JIHAD, MILITIA takeover,
plane CRASH, and Sailor
MOON crossover! Why didn't YOU?
>"Ms. Li," the mayor said, "I intend to have the Board of
>Education audit your school's entire finances.
Mike: We'll divert all that sweet National Disaster Relief
money to fund the investigation!
> I think you have
>some major explanations to make to myself, the City Council and
>the State Education Department for all this."
>
Tom: You been holdin' out on our cut
again?
>"When I'm eventually vindicated," Ms. Li said, "You're going
to
>pay, DeMartino!"
>
>"I seriously doubt that!," Mr. DeMartino said, his right eye
>bulging out again.
Mike: Ah! Tuck it in, tuck it in!
> "I've got
some very convincing evidence here
>that will prove my case.
Crow: [DeMartino] It's this story I found called "THE MISERY
SENSHI NEO-ZERO DOUBLE BLITZKRIEG
DEBACLE". It explains
everything!
Tom: He must have a different draft
than we do.
> Once
they're done with you, you'll
>never become school superintendent here or anywhere else."
>
Mike: Three years later...
Tom: [secretary] Governor Li, some
bug-eyed loser is here to
see you?
>Ms. Li just slunk away.
>
Crow: Slunk?
Tom: Slank?
Mike: Slinked?
Crow: Ah, forget it - that's an unconjugatable!
>"As much as we'd like to stand here and collect all this praise,"
>Daria said, "we've still got some outstanding business to deal
>with in Tokyo, right, everyone?"
>
Mike: [Daria] We're signing an endorsement deal with Toshiba.
>"You said it, Daria," Sailor Moon said.
>
>Daria then added, "But, before that, there's just one little
>detail I want to take care of."
>
Mike: She reaches from the text and slaps Guerin across the
face...
>Sailor Moon asked, "What's that?"
>
Tom: [Daria] I need to get back into
character. Right now
I could be just anybody.
>Daria replied, "Change my costume from this stupid seirafuku to
>one of those armored bikinis I keep seeing in your anime back in
>Japan."
>
Crow: [Daria] And then, could you have one of those tentacle
demons appear? That'd be cool!
Mike: Apparently, danger turns Daria into an exhibitionist.
>Sailor Moon was aghast in shock; she then said, "Are you kidding
>me?"
>
Tom: If only!
>"Hey, you just saved my life; it's the least you could do," shot
>back Daria.
>
Tom: [Daria] Sure! I save your life,
you let me prance
around like a Hooters girl!
Mike: Makes sense.
>"OK, OK," Usagi said. She
took the Moon Scepter and waved it in
>front of Daria.
>
Tom: Double, double, toil and trouble!
>"MOON TRANSFORMATION MAGIC!," she yelled.
>
Crow: And Daria is transformed into a copy of that Gabrielle
chick on 'Xena', with a bare
midriff and the same color
hair.
>Daria was transformed again, and this time she was wearing a blue
>armored bikini with blue knee-length boots.
Mike: And a come-hither look that made men drool!
> On her left breast
>was the symbol for Mercury.
>
Mike: The whole story's been leading up to this. The breast-
comparisons, the lack of bras,
everything leading to
this one moment.
Tom: The mind reels at the sheer
wankiness of it all.
>"Now you're talking," Daria said.
>
Crow: [morose] What else is new?
>"OK, who's with us?," Sailor Moon wanted to know.
>
>Jane, Trent and Jesse raised their hands.
Mike: Oh, good! Put more mortals in
danger!
Tom: So, once again, the brave Senshi
ensnare more naïve
innocents in their treacherous web
of deceit!
>
"Count us in, too!," a
>voice said nearby. It was Mack and
Jodie.
>
Tom: [Mack] We want some of those
armored bikinis too!
>"Mack, Jodie, you want to join us as well?," said Daria.
>
>Mack replied, "Hey, I want to help; besides, I want to know if my
>cousin is OK."
>
Tom: [Mack] He lives in Davenport,
Iowa. Could you drop me
off there?
>"He is, I assure you," Daria said. "But you're more than welcome
>to join us anyway."
>
Mike: So where are Brittany and Kevin in this reunion scene?
Tom: Oh, them! Kevin tried to shoot a
militiaman and dropped
the gun, the bullet pierced
Brittany's lung, she's in a
morgue drawer, and the National
Guard arrested Kevin on
manslaughter charges!
>"OK, as they say in railroading,
Mike: "My God, we're bankrupt!"
> 'ALL ABOARD!'", Usagi
said.
Tom: As I say during bad fanfics: 'KILL
ME NOW'!
[pause]
Tom: [softly] Sorry.
>"Everyone gather around me."
They did so.
Tom: [Usagi] Group hug! Oh, you're all so precious!
> Sailor Moon help up
>the Moon Scepter and said, "MOON TELEPORTATION ACTIVATION!"
Mike: [Usagi, at scepter] Work! Come
on, *work*, you stupid
piece of Japanese crap!
> They
>were gone in a flash.
>
Crow: Wally West and Jay Garrick join the fight against Yerko!
>"Godspeed, Daria Morgendorffer, godspeed," the mayor said.
Crow: I feel an uncontrollable surge of emotion rising up in me.
Mike: Can you contain it?
Crow: I'll try. *urp* But have a barf bag ready just in case.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------------------------------------------------------
Tom: o/~ It was a one-eyed, one-horned,
"Missing Bippy Gleeful
Cheater"! o/~
>Back at Tokyo, Yoriko
All: YERKO!
Crow: Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Mike: I don't know, but I think Yerko just shot her.
> was so close
to the Imperial Palace she
>could almost sense the impending victory.
She was looking
>forward to this for a long time.
>
Crow: And she will be looking forward to it a long time ago.
Mike: Kind of an obscurist grammar riff, isn't it.
Crow: I just calls it as I sees it, Mikey.
>"Soon, Father, you will be vindicated!," she yelled.
>
Tom: Fred MacMurray?
Mike: Darth Vader?
Tom: Worf, son of Mogh?
>Unless a miracle happened, Japan would once again be in the iron
>grip of tyranny.
[A neigh comes from off screen.]
All: Miracle!
Mike: No problem. Gregory Hines and Mel Brooks will take care
of her.
Tom: Let's ride that horsie on out of
here...
[The trio exits.]
From mblackwl@ix.netcom.com Sun May 21 21:18:10 2000
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[As the doors open, in the foreground, we see Crow once
again speaking on the phone. In the
background, Mike sits
behind a computer sitting on a small
table, typing
furiously on the keyboard.]
Crow: [on the phone] Brittany? Me again. No! Don't hang
up! Look, I'm sorry about that
last call. I'm under
a lot of stress right now, and I'm
afraid that I
snapped a little and I fixated on
you. I'm really
sorry about that. I know that you
have a new beau
and I wish you the best. [pause]
Still, if you
ever were to leave Kev, I'm right
here. I'm a
better man that he'll ever be,
Brit! DUMP HIM!
COME UP HERE AND LIVE WITH ME!
BRIT? BRIT!
[Tom enters as Crow hangs up the phone.]
Tom: Talking to no one again?
Crow: [Sigh] Yes.
Tom: Well, I'm sure you'll start
obsessing about
someone else really soon. [Nods
towards Mike.]
What's up with farm boy?
Crow: Oh, Mike's decided to create a website. [rolls
eyes] Right now he's writing an
essay.
Tom: Really?
[Tom moves behind Mike, to take a look at the screen.]
Tom: A review of Grape Jelly? Are they
some new
band?
Crow: No, he's reviewing jelly.
Mike: [mumbling] Those jerks at Smuckers think that
they're so hot, well, I'll show
them...
[Tom hovers back over to Crow.]
Tom: Ooookay.
Crow: Earlier he was writing an essay about Locke's
philosophies and how they relate
to Ford
Pintos.
Tom: So, he's lost it then?
Crow: Look likely. Should we call Pearl and admit
defeat?
Tom: Might as well. Oh, Pearl?
[Castle Forrester]
[The castle appears to in the midst of a major battle.
Explosions can be seen in the
background and the sound
of gunfire is ever present. Every few
moments, a
camouflaged figure or two crosses by in
the background.]
Pearl: Can't talk now, Tim.
[SoL]
Crow: Hey Pearl? Did you invite Puff Daddy over for
tea? [snicker]
Tom: Or are hosting a dinner party for
Claudine Longet?
[Both bots are barely containing their laughter.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh, ha ha. No, apparently my little castle has
become the focal point in a
struggle between
several different factions of
psychos, all
out to control the world.
[SoL]
Tom: So you're annoyed that they're
wrecking your
castle?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [whining] No, I'm annoyed because none of
these people is fighting for
*me*. I'm the
person who's supposed to be
running the world!
Me!
[Behind Pearl, more people rush out from opposite
sides of the Castle. Each shouts as
they run in.]
Soldier #1: Viva la Resistance!
Soldier #2: Remember the Maine!
Soldier #3: RESPECT MA AUTHORITA!
Soldier #4: It'll save up to 10% over AT&T!
[The soldiers become embroiled in a desperate
shootout.]
Pearl: See? Did any of them shout out "Give me
Pearl or give me death" or
"Pearl's
much better looking than Winona
Ryder"?
No. Hrmph.
[SoL]
Crow: Why aren't Observer and Bobo helping you?
Tom: Sure! They're your lackeys! I'm
sure that
they'd shout out some slogans for
you before
dying a horrible death!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh, believe me, I tried. But Brain Guy's still
a pacifist. And Bobo...
[Bobo enters, still talking on the cordless phone.]
Bobo: ...uh-huh. Well, I can certainly see why people
see more symbolism in "Wedding
Peach" than they
so in "Cowboy BeBop".
Look, I've got a pie in...
uh-huh. Yes. No, really. I'd love
to hear all
about the philosophy behind
"Detective Conan"...
[Bobo exits.]
Pearl: ... well, I can't pry him off that damn phone.
He just won't stop talking. I feel sorry for
whoever's on the other side of
that phone.
[A clean shaven young man wearing a sweater enters and
walks over to Pearl.]
Man: Excuse me?
Pearl: [Sigh] Look, I told you people before, I am
not going to be taken hostage.
Man: I'm just looking for the bathroom,
ma'am.
Pearl: Oh. It's down the hall to your right, just past
the cyclotron, but before you get
to the TV
room.
Man: Thanks!
Pearl: By the way, you don't look like the other
combatants. Which faction are you
with?
Man: Oh, I'm not a soldier. I'm with
"Up With People".
We're performing in the USO show
in your foyer.
Bob Hope: [O.S.] Man, I gotta tell you. This castle's
so old, I useta meet Crosby and Dorothy
Lamour
here for Espresso! Boy, she was really somethin'
in her day, huh? *Rrrrrrrrr*
Hey, speakin' of
lovely ladies how about givin' a
warm Castle
Forrester welcome to the stunning
Miss Brooke
Shields!
[The man exits.]
Pearl: Guys, you have to help me. It's *Up with People*!
[SoL]
Crow: Wow.
Tom: No one deserves that. Not even
you, Pearl.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Thank you, Todd.
[SoL]
Crow: Still, there's not a whole lot we can do up
here for you though.
Tom: Yep. But we'll watch all of the
coverage of
the fighting on CNN.
Crow: It's the least we can do.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Thanks you two. Mark my words, when I find
that copy of "The Glass
Jun.."
[At this point, Pearl is cut off as throngs of people
burst into the room shouting. They
quickly encircle
Pearl and, while their guns point at
Pearl, one of
them steps over to Pearl. He wears an
orange shirt
that seems to be made of scales and
green pants
of the same material. He also has long
blonde
hair and a beard. And he looks nothing
like
Kevin Murphy with a wig and a dyed
beard. No.
Really.]
Bearded Man: Ocean Master! Your reign of evil
is at an end!
[SoL]
[The trio look nervously at each other.]
Crow: Um, Aquaman?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Excuse me, but what the heck are you doing
in my castle?
Aquaman: Your castle? Isn't this 423 Armageddon
Way?
Pearl: That's across town!
Aquaman: Oh. Blast. We're in the wrong place, guys.
[murmured] I knew that I shouldn't
have asked
Kyle for directions. [normal] Come
on, guys.
[Aquaman and the multitude file out of the castle,
leaving Pearl alone.]
Pearl: Oh, so that's it, is it? I'm not important
enough to keep from taking over
the world,
am I? Not even one of you was here
to stop
me?
Voice: I was.
[A nebbish looking man enters and walks over to Pearl,
shaking his first.]
Man: I'm wise to your plans, Forrester,
and I won't
stand idly by while you take over
the world!
[Pearl stares at him for a moment, and then punches
him in the jaw. The man goes down (fill
in something
funny here.) Pearl turns back to the
camera.]
Pearl: Well, what are you staring at? Get back in the
Theater!
[SoL]
[Lights are flashing.]
Tom: Come on, Mike! WE GOT SAILOR
SENSHI PRATTLE SIGN!!!
Mike: Wait! I have to finish my latest chapter of my
serial novel!
Crow: It's too late!! AHHHHH!!!!!
[The door sequence begins.]
Take me to Part 4