[OPEN ON: A snowy, forested Minnesota winter. The piano music to "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is playing in the background. Michael J. Nelson, dressed in a yellow shirt with a brown zigzag across it, is walking with Paul Chaplin, who is holding a blanket and sucking his thumb, across a frozen pond.]
MIKE: There must be something wrong with me, Paul. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy.
PAUL: Michael J. Nelson. You're the only boy I know who could take a beautiful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.
MIKE (resentfully punching Paul on the shoulder): You callin' me a wussy?
[Before Paul can stammer an explanation, Kevin speeds by on ice skates and grabs Paul's blanket. Paul screams in terror as he is hurled at terrifying speeds. Finally Kevin spins him around and throws him off the ice. Paul slams headfirst into a tree, and collapses in a snowbank. Snow on the tree falls and buries him. Kevin and Mike point and laugh.]
PAUL (in agony, muffled by snow): MY LEGS! I CAN'T! FEEL! MY LEEEEGS!!!
[Kevin and Mike continue laughing.]
MIKE: Ha! That's heartwarming!
[CUT TO: Mike at Mary Jo's Psychiatric Stand. Mary Jo is shaking a coffee can with a coin in it.]
MARY JO: Oh, how I love that sound! Jingle jingle jingle!
MIKE: Uh-huh. But you haven't had any formal training in psychotherapy? No degree, no nude picture of Laura Schleshinger?
MARY JO: Let's try to name your fears, Michael J. If you have fear of heights, you have acrophobia! If you have fear of open places, you have agoraphobia!
MIKE: Huh. And what if I have a fear of premises that aren't the least bit funny?
MARY JO: Then you have ConanOBrienophobia. Tape two episodes of "Space Ghost", and get to bed by 12:30.
[CUT TO: Stage of school play. Mike is standing next to a tiny Christmas tree while the Brains point and laugh at him.]
BRIDGET: Blockhead!
KEVIN: Moron!
BILL: That's the worst menorah ever!
MIKE (hangs head): Rats. ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!
[Paul, in a neck brace, body cast and a motorized wheelchair, rolls forward with a whir.]
PAUL: Sure, Michael J. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
[A single spotlight hits Paul.]
PAUL: And the angel said unto them, Behold! I bring you...
<< THE 34th ANNUAL MST3K SEASON ENDING OPEN BAR AWARDS!!! >>
A holiday celebration, marking the myriad achievements of Best Brains, and the films they lampooned during the season past! With special guests, Natalie from Werewolf! Tony Farms, the Pumaman! Cardboard Cutouts! Your favorite performers from Best Brains! And all the way from Minnesota, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot!
[With a whir, Paul leaves the stage in his wheelchair, passing Mike.]
MIKE: That wasn't very inspirational, Paul.
PAUL: Well, don't leave me stranded in a snowbank to die, dickweed.
[CUT TO: The Castle Forrester. The entry hall is set up like an auditorium, with hundreds of folding chairs set up facing a podium. Not a single one is occupied. Over by the said is the bar, tended by Brain Guy as Isaac. All the Brains are drinking with two fists, waving their empty glasses angrily at one another. ]
PAUL (announcer): Now, here's your host, Leonard Maltin!
[Canned applause. Leonard is standing awkwardly at the podium.]
LEONARD: Hello and welcome!
MARY JO (loudly, from bar): Hey! This ain't MacLellan!
LEONARD (clearing throat): -to the 34th Annual Awards for Excellence in Open Bar Indulgences!
MARY JO: It's flat cream soda you poured into the bottle!
LEONARD: As always, and by always I mean just this once, we'll be giving two awards for each category: one chosen by our one-person panel of judges, and one from our pool of hard-core MSTies who sent us votes via e-mail!
MARY JO: Oh yeah? Who's gonna MAKE me?
LEONARD: Let's get the evening started by diving headlong-
[We hear glass breaking and Mary Jo in a scuffle. Leonard looks very alarmed.]
LEONARD: -uh- into our first major award. And here to present it is the Brain's own Kevin Murphy. (sotto voce) Where's Security?
--------------------------------------------------
KEVIN: Good evening. I'm here to give the "Hands of Fate" Award to our WORST movie of the season. The nominees are:
>>> WEREWOLF - The film that dares ask the question, if they watch American Werewolves in London, why wouldn't they watch European Werewolves in America?
>>> HOBGOBLINS - Surely the result of a production meeting where someone used the phrase, "Gremlins" meets "Losin' It".
>>> TOUCH OF SATAN - A simple, timeless story. SO simple and timeless it leaves 85 minutes for its two odd-looking twenty-something pseudostars to fill the screen with their own brand of take-no-prisoners grudge-match pausing action!
>>> DEVIL FISH - A film whose refreshingly random approach to editing served as a perfect counterpoint to a plot so logically flawed a six-month infant would crawl out of the theater.
>>> QUEST OF THE DELTA KNIGHTS - A heart-warming epic whose production values ($500, half of which was for catering) could not overshadow some two hundred forty three story elements that are simultaneously insipid, insulting, and unconnected to each other in any shay, fape or worm.
KEVIN: You know, I really wish I had FIVE of these awards to distribute this evening. Yup, I'd take these awards AND DISTRIBUTE THEM SO FAR UP THEIR PRODUCER'S hey! Let's not vent our anger just yet! There's tons more liquor to drink first!
The People's Choice award goes to...
<<HOBGOBLINS!>>
Whoa, don't get up here just yet, Rick Sloane! Because our Official "Hands of Fate" Award also goes to...
<<HOBGOBLINS!>>
What a year for movies! As annoying as "Quest of the Delta Knights" is- and the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get- its badness is not quite in the same league as the other four. "Touch of Satan" gets a special "Starfighter" commendation for lack of content. But, in this race, having no content means you have less to suck at.
The remaining three films truly are fine festering assemblages of cinematic offal. "Werewolf" has abominable acting and atrocious script, and "Devil Fish" has the worst production values, the worst effects, and in the judge's opinion, the worst failure at what it was trying to do.
Yet "Hobgoblins" falls to the bottom by being a skank-of-all-trades. Plot, script, acting, directing, FX, message- the only redeeming quality of this film is that you get the suspicion the director didn't WANT it to have any redeeming qualities. Mission accomplished, Rick! Come get both your awards, and a well-deserved butter knife to the nuts, you crazy dreamer, you! I'm back to the bar now. Hey buddy! Save me a Grolsch!
---------------------------------------------
LEONARD: Thank you, Kevin! Our next prize is "The Pint of Blood" Award (Any Kind, I Don't Care), given to the BEST RIFFING OF A MOVIE in its entirety. The nominees are:
>>> PHANTOM PLANET
CROW: Their bed technology is light years behind their space-going chicken technology.
>>> PUMA MAN
KOBRAS: Who is to prevent me?
TOM: Oh, a halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?
>>> WEREWOLF
CROW: So, his plan is to rid the world of security guards by
turning them into werewolves one-by-one, and making them
crash their cars?
MIKE: Well, it's workin' so far!
>>> HOBGOBLINS
TOM: Ugh, I don't like Shari Lewis's new show!
>>> TOUCH OF SATAN
CROW: I just thought of a secret Santa gift for these people, Mike.
The book, "How To Hide A Murder Weapon".
LEONARD: And the People's Choice is... oh look! It's a tie!
<<WEREWOLF! And, PUMAMAN!>>
Congratulations! Let's start with the crew from "Warwyelf"! A big round of applause for... um, hello? Could the "Wirewulf" production team please come to the stage to receive their prize? Anyone?
Sorry, did any of the "Worwilef" cast or crew get their passports and travel visas in time for the trans-Atlantic journey? Did they remember the time zone difference? The International Date Line and whatnot? No? Oh. Well... that's very awkward, isn't it? Hmm. I guess... I could accept this award on their behalf. Hm. Nope. Nah, I don't want it. (Leonard takes the award and throws it off the stage. We hear it crash through a window.) Onto the dust heap!
Now, "Puma" people, before you come up here for YOUR award, I think I have an envelope you're going to purr over! Because the Official "Pint of Blood" award also goes to...
<<PUMAMAN!>>
[Band plays inspiring "Pumaman" Theme Song]
LEONARD: But look! In the sky! Descending awkwardly from a wire to accept the award for "Pumaman" is... a 39-inch screen with the projected satellite image of Tony Farms himself, the Pumaman!
[clip of Tony in museum lobby]
TONY (confused and bemused): Then it's really true.
LEONARD: Yes it is, Tony! You've won. How does it feel?
[clip of Tony in dark in a park]
TONY (confused): I don't know what's going on. I'm afraid to move!
LEONARD: I know it's nerve-racking, but try to relax, Tony. You're among friends!
[clip of Tony in Museum]
TONY: Is that a proposition?
LEONARD: I didn't ask you to go to bed with me, Tony. I mean, you're a very handsome man and all, but I barely know you.
[clip of Tony at party]
TONY: I'm from the Neanderthal school, and occasionally my primitive instincts pop up.
LEONARD: Tony, please! Isn't there another person in your life right now?
[Clip of Tony, confused in the park]
TONY: The other who?
LEONARD: Jane! Your girlfriend! She's going to see this, it's broadcast live via satellite!
[clip of Tony floating in limbo]
TONY (screaming in desperation): HELP ME FATHER! HELP ME VAHDINIO!
LEONARD: All right, that's it. Folks, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut Mr. Farms off while his assistant-
[clip of Tony crying and kicking like a baby while Vadhinio holds him]
TONY: Noooooooo! Let me go, let me go!
LEONARD: -his assistant tries to talk him down. We'll take a short break! And when we come back, the award for Best New Movie Character!
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark.]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio confronting Tony in museum toolshed.]
VADHINIO: You are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark.]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio.]
VADHINIO: You have the blood of the gods coming from other worlds.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark.]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio in hotel room.]
VADHINIO: You see in the dark. You fall like a cat. You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark.]
TONY: Tell me the TRUTH, Vadhinio.
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio sighing, giving a weary look, then PUNCHING TONY'S LIGHTS OUT!]
---------------------------------------------
LEONARD: Welcome back! Our next award is "The Torgy", given to the MOST UNFORGETTABLE MOVIE CHARACTER. The nominees are...
>>> Swinging Man, DELTA KNIGHTS
"I'M CAH-MEENG!"
>>> Natalie, WEREWOLF
"So? It comes down to dis? You and Noel? Is in it for de fame and fortune? But over my dead body! You hear me?"
>>> The Skank, HOBGOBLINS
"Everybody have sex tonight!"
>>> Dr. Kobras, PUMA MAN
"You are made of earth, and to the earth you shall return!"
>>> Lt. Markonnen, PHANTOM PLANET
"Ya know captain? Every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced..."
LEONARD: The People's Choice is...
<<NATALIE, from WEREWOLF!>>
Oh, I see coming through the door now- yes! She made it, folks! Come on up, here, Natalie! Go ahead folks, applaud! She deserves it! Now, Natalie, let's take one more look at that work that won you such acclaim...
[clip of billiards scene]
LEONARD: OK, here you are, you're playing pool. Now you're... OH, MY LORD!
[The bar hoots its approval of Natalie in a tank top.]
LEONARD: What ARE those things? Why- there's a subcutaneous hydroponic casaba melon farm right in your chest! Ick! Oh, god and the nipples! Ick ick ICK! Have you no SHAME, woman? Turn it off before I'm sick on the stage!
[Clip stops playing. Bar boos.]
LEONARD: Ahem- let's just move on to the Official Award, which I'm sure is more reflective of wholesome, American values... oh dear. It seems this also says,
<<NATALIE.>>
[Bar cheers.]
LEONARD: And there's a note written on the envelope. "Leonard: Roll that award-winning clip again!" NO!
[Clip rolls again. Bar cheers wildly.]
LEONARD: Stop that clip! Get those off the screen right now! Miss Latvia, I want you and your two accolades off my stage!
[Clip stops. Bar boos, throws bottles. Leonard ducks and dodges as he segues.]
LEONARD: My apologies, ladies and gentlemen. Let's move on to our next award, presented by our special guest, Brain's head writer Michael J. Nelson!
------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Hey folks. Ya know, Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "padding" as "material with which something is padded".
[Long pause. Michael bounces on his heels, smiling.]
MIKE: I'm here tonight to present the "The Not-Too-Distant-Future" Award for the BEST OPENING SKETCH. The nominees are...
>>> From Show 903, Tom's got Short Man's Disease!
MIKE: 'S'Okay, a little baby aspirin under the tongue. C'mere.
TOM: No! Bleah! Bleah! (Tom cries as Mike forces baby aspirin in him)
CROW: Vile shrimp.
MIKE: Little baby short man. We'll be right back.
>>> From Show 907, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On"!
CROW: There! Now that time you DID mean to turn me on!
TOM: Oh yeah? Well maybe I did!
>>> From Show 908, Tom and Crow "Wassailing" in July!
T&C: If the person who you sing to can't provide the wassail,
you-are-entitled to his debit card and PIN number,
Love and Joy come to you!
Unless you can't provide the wassail!
Then severe financial penalties shall co-o-ome to you!
Then severe financial penalties to you!
>>> From Show 912, Tom's a butterfly, for a little while.
TOM: Still got my proboscis, though! <THWOOO!>
>>> From Show 913, "Loaner Crow"!
TOM: Look, he's got a killer radio!
MIKE: The People's Choice is...
<<TOM AND CROW GO WASSAILING IN JULY!>>
And hold on to your seats, ladies and gentlemen, because the Official Award also goes to...
<<WASSAILING IN JULY, TOM AND CROW!>>
And here tonight to accept their awards are our own lovable moptops, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot!
[CUT TO: another podium. A box of Honey-Nut Cheerios with some googly eyes and a mouth glued onto it is moving as if someone's hand is shoved up the bottom. It is accompanied by a red bottle of Liquid Plumber sitting on the podium. Bill Corbett begins to do Crow's voice.]
CHEERIOS/CROW: Speaking on behalf of all the hard workers at Best Brain, we humbly accept this award to commemorate the career of Spencer Tracy. An actor's actor, and an inspiration to us all. Right Tom?
[Bill clears its throat, and lowers a pitch to do a poor, flat imitation of Tom Servo. He taps the bleach bottle to make it move a little bit.]
L.PLUMBER/TOM: Tracy was an opium fiend. All our fans are losers. Where the devil is my hooker?
CHEERIOS/CROW: Whoa, Tommy! That's not very nice. What if Sci-Fi Channel executives heard you talk like that?
L.PLUMBER/TOM: Sci-Fi executives are opium fiends. They lie with badgers in unmarried communion. Chewing tobacco makes you look cool.
[Mike edges behind the podium, looking underneath it.]
MIKE: Bill?
CHEERIOS/CROW (turning to Mike): Huh?
MIKE: What do you think you're doing?
CHEERIOS/CROW: Uh, no, I'm Tom. I mean, I'm Crow. And Tom.
MIKE: OK. I'm gonna take a wild guess here. You forgot the puppets. Kevin, seeing the bit you'd rehearsed all week shot to hell, called you a brainless cow and stormed off for another beer.
CHEERIOS/CROW: No no! This is... just what we look like without make-up. Yeah, that's it!
L.PLUMBER/TOM (in Bill's voice): Corbett sucks.
CHEERIOS/CROW: Shut up!
L.PLUMBER/TOM: He can't even pack a suitcase right.
CHEERIOS/CROW: You can't let me have one moment in the limelight, can you?
MIKE: OK. Let's just cut away to commercial before we lose all pretense of dignity. We'll be right back.
CHEERIOS/CROW: Fatty.
L.PLUMBER/TOM: Here, let me lighten the load.
[Bill tips the Liquid Plumber over, the cap bursts off and it pours out over him. We hear Bill screaming, Mike reacts as we CUT TO commercials.]
----------------------------------------------
LEONARD: OK, several minor chemical burns later, we're back to award "The Killer Peck", given to the BEST BRAIN PERFORMANCE. The nominees are...
>>> MICHAEL J. NELSON as The Werecrow
Hey, you know! I am starting to look, and feel, exactly like you. And I'm PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE WITH THAT!
>>> MARY JO PEHL as Pearl, keeping the "kids" off her new couch
Oh, we can't have nice things!
>>> BEEZ MCKEEVER as Steffi the Sitter
No! <WHAP!> No bark! <WHAP!> No!
>>> BILL CORBETT as Observer, being babysat by Steffi
No! I can't stand time-outs. The silence, the desolation!
>>> KEVIN MURPHY as Tom, succumbing to peer pressure and insulting Canada
No you're right, Mike! This is much better! "Oh just WHERE THE HELL does
CANADA get off SHARING a BORDER, with countries FAR SUPERIOR to IT?!"
LEONARD: The People's Choice goes to...
<<KEVIN MURPHY, for his disparaging ode to Canada!>>
And so the statue won't be lonely, the Official Award goes to-
<<KEVIN MURPHY, for disrespecting hockey town!>>
[A long pause.]
LEONARD: Isn't Kevin coming to get his award?
MIKE (from bar): He's... making room for more beer.
LEONARD: Ugh. OK, I'll stall 'til he gets back. Let's extend special recognition to the runner-up, Mr. Nelson. His impersonation of Crow was stunning, down to him keeping his head very still, and jerking it when it needed to turn.
The Canada sketch, one of the best of the season, is intrinsically dependent on Kevin's performance. On repeated viewing, you can also appreciate the ensemble work going on, as Bill and Mike pull back on their parts, underplaying their enmity toward our northern trading partner, so that Kevin's lines come through with even more acid.
Still, it's Kevin's sketch, and all the judges were impressed at how well this deceptively tricky sketch works. Kevin has to start as the rube, sincere, getting the premise going. Then he has to react to Bill and Mike. Then he has to sell Tom's surrender to peer pressure, turn the character 180 degrees, balancing the new fervent hatred with an inward crying despair that his morals have collapsed so easily. It's the most human moment a gumball machine could have, and Kevin nails it but good. Congratulations!
[Another pause.]
LEONARD: So I take it-
MIKE: Still making room. Man, that stuff goes through ya like WD-40, I tell ya.
LEONARD (groaning): Let's move on.
=-----------------------------------------------
LEONARD: Now it's time for-
BRAINS AT THE BAR (dramatically): THE SAM-PO!
LEONARD: Yes, "The SAMPO", given for the BEST BIT. The nominees are:
>>> Show 901, Crow and Tom show Mike their Projection Machine
MIKE: You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you guys were destroying the things that mean the most to me, thinking it was funny.
CROW: I can see where you'd think that Mike, and I want you to know, it's patently untrue.
>>> Show 903, Mike is Coatimundi Man!
MIKE: OK. You know what guys? Destiny or not, I really had my
heart set on those cold leftover sesame noodles. I'll be
your mythical hero later, OK?
TOM: But- wait! Don't you hear? Your inspiring hero's theme music
is playing!
CROW: Listen! Oh! And see? The gods are coming from space to
tell you you must serve, or evil will triumph!
>>> Show 904, Mike becomes a Werecrow
CROW: Mike! I don't know what it is, but suddenly, you are a
very attractive man!
>>> Show 907, Cardboard cut-outs (oh, c'mon, they're not THAT bad!)
PEARL: Pinky! Brain! Come look at this. Something's wrong...
CUTOUTS (sing): As we sing, the, Hobgoblins, SOOOOOONG! To- DAYYYYY!
>>> Show 908, Steffi the sitter watches Bobo and Brain Guy
STEF (reading): I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat
them in a train!
OBSERVER: Oh, why doesn't he just leave him alone!
>>> Show 910, Tom, wanting to sing the praises of Canada, insults it.
MIKE (comforting a crying Tom): Come now, calm down. Musn't hate.
CROW: At least not so overtly.
MIKE: Yes. Hide the hate!
>>> Show 912, Tom and Crow work through their anger at "Robot Rumpus"
CROW: Please Mike! Just WORK, the LUMPS!
LEONARD: Let's see the People's Choice...
<<CARDBOARD CUT-OUTS!>>
And- surprise, surprise- the Official award also goes to...
<<SHOW 907, CARDBOARD CUTOUTS!>>
Here to accept the award for the Brains are, live, via satellite, the cardboard cutouts! Congratulations, guys!
[Clip from show 907 plays]
MIKE CUTOUT: Wow... that sure is a bad movie today, won't you?
LEONARD: Uh-huh. Well, it sure is good of you to be with us here... LIVE. How do you feel?
[Clip]
MIKE CUTOUT: Are you kidding me?
TOM CUT-OUT: Well let's-
[Clumsy edit to another part of clip.]
CROW CUT-OUT: -out, you little doo-
[Another clumsy edit shifts to the Hobgoblin song.]
CUTOUTS (sing): -blins! HOB- goblins! What do you get with those HOB- goblins?
[Leonard puts his head in his hands and shakes it as the cutouts continue.]
CUTOUTS (sing): They're over here! They're over there! Those darn hobgoblins are everywhere!
LEONARD: OK, cut! That's it, cut the feed! It's bad enough you made me interview cardboard cutouts, there is NO way I'm interviewing edited tape of cardboard cutouts! Jeez, this is a bigger disaster than "Clifford"!
------------------------------------------------
LEONARD (suddenly smiling a bit): Now we come to a very SPECIAL part of the evening. "The Dr. Erhardt Memorial Cup" is given each year for SPECIAL RECOGNITION of an individual for their past or present contributions to Mystery Science Theater. This year, five very SPECIAL nominees have gathered here tonight, to compete for affections one would normally expect us to receive unconditionally. They are:
>>> CANADA, for not declaring war on Minnesota after the "Ode to Canada" sketch in THE FINAL SACRIFICE
>>> ITALY, for not doing the same after the lens filter sketch in DEVIL FISH
>>> GUMBY, for providing the short ROBOT RUMPUS
>>> JIM MALLON, for Lifetime Achievement as writer, performer, and producer
LEONARD: Oh, and look!
>>> LEONARD MALTIN, for my guest appearance introducing the film GORGO!
LEONARD (coyly): Why, I can't imagine who could be receiving this award! But here to award it is our super extra special guest star, an original member of the KTMA MST3K family-
BRAINS AT BAR: JOEL!
LEONARD: Um, no. Josh Weinstein.
BAR: WHO???
LEONARD (checking card): Apparently he played Doctor Erhardt, for whom the award is named.
[Brains talk amongst themselves. Doesn't ring a bell.]
LEONARD: He's Executive Producer of "The Simpsons"?
[Brains relent. Oh, well, "The Simpsons"! All right then! Josh approaches the podium. Leonard doesn't leave the podium, but scooches to the side a little.]
JOSH: When I first met the man to whom I will present this award, I was just-
LEONARD (interrupting): We've met?
JOSH: Uh, no. I don't think so. Anyway, when I first met Jim, I was still a struggling comedian in Minnesota. But-
LEONARD: The name's Leonard.
JOSH: Good for you. But he saw in me, something-
LEONARD: It's just that you said Jim. My name, actually, is Leonard.
JOSH: Mr. Maltin, please! I'm sorry, but the award to the man who was the moving force behind "Mystery Science Theater 3000". The man who first met with Joel Hodgson to develop the premise. The man who was its executive producer for nine years. A man whom, without his skill and persistence, there would be no MST3K.
LEONARD: Yes. Leonard Maltin.
JOSH: No! JIM MALLON!
[The Brains at the Bar applaud, and slap Jim on the back. Jim, sheepishly, approaches the stage. ]
JIM: First, of course, I want to thank-
LEONARD (pushing violently past Jim to leave stage): Screw this!
JIM and JOSH: Hey!
LEONARD: I waived my appearance fee for you ingrates! And look at this! The room reeks of monkey sweat, your "open buffet" is a sack of no-name cheese puffs, and you screw me over for the recognition I deserve!
JOSH: Well, this is the Official Judges Award. I still have the results of the fan's voting to announce. (Josh begins opening envelope.)
LEONARD: Oh! Well great! I was always more popular with the fans than with the critics.
JIM: Dream on, filmboy. I built this empire. You think die-hard fans of MY show, that I put on for THEIR pleasure, are going to reward some second-rate-
JOSH: The People's Choice is "GUMBY"!
[Jim stops talking.]
JIM: What?
JOSH: The People's Choice is Gumby. The award goes to Gumby. Here to accept the award is Gumby.
[The green ball of clay roll onto the stage and waves to the fans.]
JIM (storming off the stage): I'm pullin' the plug.
LEONARD: Not before I do, you're not!
[Jim and Leonard stop to shove Josh against the set backdrop, knocking him to the floor and the set over, to reveal Bridget holding Paul against the wall, kissing him deeply and passionately. The bar hoots and catcalls. The two, startled, break apart and look to the audience.]
MIKE (happily, from bar): Hey look! It's Bridget! Hi honey!
BRIDGET (nervous): Dah, hi! Michael!
PAUL (loudly, poorly acted): Why Bridget! This isn't the men's room!
BRIDGET: Hush! Um- Paul and I are- here to give the final award!
JOSH (getting up): Hey, I was gonna do that!
BRIDGET: Oh yeah? I don't see any envelope.
[Josh takes it out of his pocket and shows her. Bridget sighs, and snatches it.]
BRIDGET: Ten years older, and still dumb as a deviled egg.
[Bridget kicks Josh in the nuts. When Josh doubles over, she pulls his shirt over his head and kicks him offstage. He lands with an audible crash.]
MIKE (pointing proudly, from bar): That's my wife!
-----------------------------------------------
PAUL: Well, we've finally arrived at the moment you've all been waiting for to be over, when we give our highest honor, "The Golden Trumpy", to the BEST EPISODE. The nominees are:
>>> Show 903, PUMA MAN
>>> Show 904, WEREWOLF
>>> Show 907, HOBGOBLINS
>>> Show 910, THE FINAL SACRIFICE
>>> Show 911, DEVIL FISH
PAUL: Now, before we open the envelope, let's all take a deep breath, and pause a moment to reflect on the year past. You know, I thikn it was Jonathan Dunne who said, "Time is a mistress of-"
[Bridget impatiently tears open the envelope.]
BRIDGET: The People's Choice is <<WEREWOLF!>>
[The bar applauds. The band plays the Indian war chant "Werewolf" theme. Natalie approaches the podium. The bar applauds a lot more.]
NATALIE: Wow. This are being incredible!
PAUL: Natalie, in discussing the curious allure of "Wheirwhilf" with the general populace, one can't help but focus on your unique interpretation of the script. I was wondering... could you favor us with a demonstration?
NATALIE: The delight I give would be mine.
BRIDGET: Why don't you start with some Shakespeare.
NATALIE: Oh. Kay. (Natalie goes into character.) I is being, or I is being not. Such questions!
PAUL: Some Dickens?
NATALIE: The times we watched bad things, when the times we watched good things.
BRIDGET: Wow! Do "Streetcar Named Desire".
NATALIE: I'm stranger than kindness, it always depends.
PAUL: "The Odd Couple"?
NATALIE: No, Paul, you didn't! The pasta, in de lab, wasn't spaghetti? It was linguini.
BRIDGET: And why don't we end on "Apocalypse Now"!
NATALIE: De smell of napalm in de morning? Iss incredible!
[Bar applauds. Natalie thanks them, and exits.]
PAUL: Thank you so much, Natalie!
BRIDGET: But it's not a sweep, folks! The Official "Golden Trumpy" for the Best Episode of Season Nine goes to...
[Drumrollllllllllllllllll...]
BRIDGET: <<PUMAMAN!>>
[The bar applauds. Band plays inspiring Pumaman theme song.]
PAUL: I must say, "Pumaman" is a perfect movie for us. It's good hearted, yet not a minute goes by in this film when something utterly ludicrous isn't writhing on the screen like a dying bug on flypaper.
BRENDAN: This was a classic combination of a fun film matched with one of the best riffing jobs the Brains have ever done.
[Paul, Bridget, and the Brains look alarmed at the voice appearing from nowhere.]
BRENDAN (edges in from offstage): Oh. Sorry. I'm the judge.
[The bar groans in disgust.]
BRIDGET: Oh, no. It's a self-insertion!
BRENDAN: Yeah, I know it's cheesy. It's getting late, I'm tired-
PAUL (starting to cry): I feel so dirty! (breaks down crying)
BRIDGET (hugging Paul, patting his back): See what you've done!
BRENDAN: Well, gosh. I just wanted-
BRIDGET: Exactly. YOU wanted!
[The Brains at the bar start to boo and throw folding chairs at the stage.]
BRENDAN (starting to blub): Well... I'm sorry!
BRIDGET: Oh, just say what you came to say and get out.
BRENDAN (after hesitating): I can't now. You're all mad.
[The Brains throw the BAR ITSELF at the stage. Bridget throws Paul to the ground and covers him for protection.]
BRAINS: DO YOUR BLASTED SPEECH ALREADY!
BRENDAN (scared and stiff): The first two minutes of "Pumaman" set a new standard for MST excellence:
[clips of the Brain's riffs play, as listed below]
"Die, ant, die!"
"I knew we should've hired a brunette."
"I think controlling her will might involve sloe gin and a Trans-am."
"I am the supermodel of Xmas past!"
BRENDAN: And the Brains held no quarter for their regard of Tony Farm's heroic powers...
[clips of the Brain's riffs play, as listed below]
"Easily Bamboozled Man!"
"Three Steps Behind Man!"
"I hate to be picky, but pumas aren't really known for their flying."
"You know, I have no respect for pumas now. I now know that if I ever meet a puma, I can just push it the hell over!"
"Are pumas also known for their whining?"
BRENDAN: And finally, there's the inspiring Pumaman theme song, which was provided with such lyrics as:
"Pu-ma-MAN! When will he find love?"
"The fat-free yo-gurt that's not short on fla-vor!"
"Now, they're going, to bop in the air!"
"When, you want, the flavor of bacon in a dip!"
---------------------------------------
BRENDAN: Speaking from the heart, folks, this has been one of the strongest seasons in years, and we all owe the Brains a huge debt for the quality program they keep putting out to us ungrateful rabble! A round of applause for them all, past, present, and future! Happy tenth anniversary!
[Brendan sees and hears the bar getting ready to throw one last thing at him. His eyes grow wide, he yelps, and runs away just as the Brains throw the FLAILING, SCREAMING BODY OF LEONARD MALTIN at the stage. Leonard smashes headfirst into the podium, and falls to the stage. The bar cheers.]
LEONARD (agony, barely raising head): This still beats doing "Roseanne".
[Leonard loses consciousness. The bar applauds. The Brains all come on stage. Kevin's still drinking beer from cans, holding a four-pack of Foster's. Mary Jo is in handcuffs, accompanied by two guards. Half of Bill's head is covered in gauze, ala The Projected Man. Behind Mike's back, Bridget bends Paul back with another kiss.]
MIKE: Thanks, folks, it's been a trip! Good night!
[The bar applauds, the credits roll over the following montage:]
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio]
VADHINIO: You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio]
VADHINIO: You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio]
VADHINIO: You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio]
VADHINIO: You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark]
TONY: Who AM I?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio]
VADHINIO: You, are the Pumaman.
[Cut to clip of Tony sitting in the dark]
TONY: Tell me the TRUTH, Vadhinio?
[Cut to clip of Vadhinio sighing, getting up and PUNCHING TONY'S LIGHTS OUT!]
---------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations Copyright 1998 Best
Brains, Inc. Leonard Maltin Copyright 1998 Marvel Comics. This work is for entertainment purposes only. Written by Brendan Herlihy.
---------------------------------
[CUT TO: The inside door of a quaint Minnesota cabin (a large, country-style wreath hangs on it). Someone from outside opens the door. Outside, it's snowing, a perfect starry night. All the Brains, except Michael, are dressed in coats, hats, scarves and muff, gathered around Mike's tiny tree, now decorated with lights and tinsel and it's heart-rendingly beautiful.]
BRAINS: MERRY CHRISTMAS, MICHAEL J!!!
[But then, we hear the creak of something heavy hanging from a rope inside. In the light streaming from the cabin, the silhouette of a lifeless body slowly swings from the rafters. The Brains react in annoyed disgust.]
KEVIN: D'oh, great. I TOLD you we should've done this last week.
MARY JO: It was Christmas week! We had stuff to do! Some of us have lives, you know!
PAUL: Bridget could've called.
BRIDGET: Oh, suddenly I'M responsible for my husband's welfare?
BILL: Aw, screw it. Who's for cookies at Au Bon Pan!
[Crowd shouts general approval, and the door shuts as they leave.]
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Copyright 1998 Brendan Herlihy