"Bloody hell," Spike muttered, staring at the computer screen.  He hated it when fan-fictions didn't include summaries, so he didn't know whether he was about to read some mushy Buffy/Angel angst, a racy smut story, or something entirly different.  Not that it wasn't fun to be surprised by a great story staring him, but when he found himself reading some tear jerker, it made him want to heave.

He grinned as he clicked the familiar catagory labeled "Spike Fic".  It was recently updated, and since it was day and he was too tired from last night's kill to beat up a minion, (He and Dru had raided the local gym during the late night classes.  Nothing like violence and heavy fitness machines to whet one's appetite.) This fanfic was the next best thing.

Scrolling down, scanning the fanfic titles, ratings, and pairings, he sighed. While the ratings promised some fun, "R, R, PG-13, NC-17, NC-17, R, NC-17..." The pairings were ridiculous!  "Spike/Buffy, Spike/Buffy, Spike/Buffy, Buffy/Spike, Willow/Spike, Cordy/Spike, Spike/Willow, Spike/Buffy ... Even Spike/Angel and Spike/Faith!!!  What.  The.  Hell.

Though disgusted, he figured Spike/? fic was better than no fic, he clicked on the link to the first one.  He'd gotten halfway through the Spike/Buffy fic, trying not to gag, and then stopped.  They'd turned him into bloody Angel for God's sake!  In the fic he was all sweet and soulful and dating the *Slayer* of all people!  He shuddered at the thought.  He didn't even find the Slayer the least bit attractive.  Disgustingly human skin filled with pores and sweat ... gross.  But here he was in that damn fic, following her around like a freakin' lap dog!  He was the sexiest man, dead or alive, in the world and he was acting like that brood-boy Angel!  Deciding he couldn't take anymore of this blasphemy, he hit the "back" button.

Trying to get over that disgusting stuff, Spike looked for a nice smut story. Preferably the type that was simple and pointless.  The next smut story he came upon was also Spike/Buffy, but if it was simple and pointless and he wasn't running around like a Slayerette, he figured it shouldn't be too bad. He was wrong.  Okay, so they (Thank God) didn't get together in this one, and there was no angst ... but just the thought of him shagging a *Slayer* was ... Ugh!  And for the record, the sex wasn't even that good!  This was just too much.  He had to get out of there.

Back at the Spikefic index, Spike tried to find a fic that wasn't Buffy/Spike. In his mind, B/S=B.S.  Unfortunatly, about 90% of the fics did include him doing the nasty with the Slayer (or worse, *not* doing the nasty with her and following her around like Angel) so his choices were limited.  He was NOT going to read any fic that involved him shagging a guy, so forget the 4% of the remaining Spikefic.  That left him with...either Spike/Willow, Spike/Cordy, or Spike/Faith.  Which should he chose?

He closed his eyes and clicked on a Spike/Willow one.  He chuckled a bit.  Him and the annoying redhead?  Yeah right.  Oh well ... better than nothing.  Part way through the story, Spike was about ready to hurl the damn computer out the nearest window.  I should have smashed that bottle in her face, he thought. Too bad I was too drunk to think straight.  Returning to the index page, he overlooked his last few choices.

Deciding he probably couldn't handle him and that Slayer hooker, Faith before walking out into the sunlight or staking himself, Spike clicked the link with the Spike/Cordy fic...and clicked right back out.  He didn't even read more than the first paragraph.  The spelling and grammer was TERRIBLE!!!  For one, his name was not "Pike," and as amusing as it was, Angel's name was not "Angle".  This was horrible.  There was nothing worse than bad grammer and spelling.  What the hell, he thought to himself.  Are spell checks so freakin' rare?!?

Alright.  This was the last bloody straw.  Were there no decent Spikefics out there?!?  But then, just as he was about to take a railroad spike to the computer, he found it.  It was well hidden and short, but it was there.  A Spike/Dru fic.  One of the rare little jewels often hidden under the seemingly endless tons of Buffy/Spike crap.  He clicked on it.

Yes!  He loved it!  Why the hell couldn't there be more fics out there like this?  He hated the damn Slayer bitch and all her followers.  What was so hard to understand about that?!?

"Spike!"

He turned away from the computer to the familiar voice.  "Yes, pet?"

His black goddess appeared in the doorway.  "Spike, are you playing on the box again?"

"Yes, ducks.  Don't worry.  I'll be done in a minute."

"Hurry up, love.  I read a few of those naughty fics and got some ideas I want to try." She purred at him and left.

Grinning, Spike quickly typed out an email to a few mailing lists and shut down before following his princess.  He was in the mood for a nice, long, afternoon shag.

And what did that email say, you ask?  Simply this:

FANS OF THE ALMIGHTY SPIKE AND WRITERS OF FANFIC, AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU AND YOUR IMAGINATIONS AND CREATIVITY ... ARE YOU PEOPLE  DAFT?!?  WHAT'S WITH THE LACK OF SPIKE/DRU FIC, AND CAN YOU TONE DOWN THE
SPIKE/SLAYER, HOOKER, WITCH, SNOB, ETC FIC?!?  WHILE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OPINIONS, YOU SOMETIMES (OKAY, ALMOST ALL THE TIME) OFFEND SOME OF THE S/DERS OUT THERE.  AND TO THOSE WHO THIS MAY CONCERN, GET A BLOODY SPELL CHECK OR I'LL TEAR OUT YOUR INTESTINES THROUGH YOUR EARS. HAVE A NICE DAY.