Understanding

The Tokyo traffic is light tonight; not very many people appear to be out this evening.
It must be the way that showers have been intermittently occurring all evening. Still, I would
have expected more activity on a Saturday night.

Yui-chan is almost asleep in the passenger seat beside me. As I pull up at a traffic light,
I smile at her, understanding her sleepiness.

Understanding. Seiryuuseikun's last gift to me. And the most valuable.

I was not always this way. My first life, in particular, I didn't value it at all. Who cared
about understanding the Suzaku? They had harmed the ones I loved. That was all that I
needed to know.

The young are painfully foolish sometimes.

The light changes and I step on the accelerator. As if that will leave my past behind
me.

I was a difficult child in this life. As distant as Nakago-sama, as silent as Soi-sama, I
was an enigma to all. My third-grade teacher made the worst mistake of her teaching career
when she commented on it; because once I knew, I seized on it with all the childish enthusiasm
I had bottled up.

I chuckle dryly even now, remembering. How cool I was! How cynical! How very
popular! And how hard I worked at it!

Aniki would laugh too. Sometimes I wonder where he is; but I already know. When
we saved Yui-chan - Yui-sama, we called her then - when he came close to death, we
separated to make the journey to the next life. However, Mitsukake-sama came in time to save
my aniki's life. I couldn't remain any more, for we had separated, and I had to make that final
journey alone.

I can't remember that journey, nor the time I spent in the Halls of the Dead. Probably
that's for the best. I don't think even the strongest mind could stand the memory of that place.

I must have been the most confused toddler in Japan. While I could remember walking
and talking, I couldn't remember how I did it. When I finally did work out how, everyone
called me "precocious" and complimented my mother on her bright little boy.
I wish. I still couldn't tell what was "Tetsuya" and what was "Suboshi" at that stage. I
smashed an awful lot of yo-yos until I realized that I no longer had the Taisuisen.

Ah. Traffic picking up. I don't have the free run of the streets (well, nearly) that I did
before.

But then, when have I ever? Modern Japan isn't Koutou. Everything's smaller, more
cramped, and one cannot help encountering others.

When I realized that, I hated Seiryuuseikun. He had created me to serve Yui-sama, He
had let me die, He had let me rejoin Aniki, admittedly invisibly and imperceptibly, and then,
just after we had saved her from Tenkou, He pushed me - elsewhere. I resented Him
powerfully. I was thirteen or so; it was the time to resent one's parents and one's Gods. My
resentment of Seiryuuseikun was so great I didn't resent my parents at all. Maybe that's why I
have a good relationship with them now.

But I can't help thinking that He did send me to a family who were pretty good. It
wasn't a war-zone; my father had a steady job that meant my family never lacked anything; and
both my parents loved me. Small things, things almost everyone in this world takes for
granted, but unutterable treasures to me. I have memories of my father in this life sitting down
and doing a jigsaw puzzle with me - I may have been six, but why did my mother choose a
puzzle that made a picture of a fuzzy yellow duckling? Father didn't understand either, but we
did it together anyway. My mother doesn't cook that well, but Father and I eat her meals and
taste the care she took and the love she felt rather than the lack of salt. Such small things. So
ordinary. So wonderful.

It still strikes me as odd that I didn't recognise Yuuki Keisuke - but then, I always
thought of Miaka as Suzaku No Miko, and not by her name. I didn't really recognise Yui-chan
then either. I did, a little - "Hongo-san looks a lot like Yui-sama" I remember thinking - but no
more.

Then that evening came, when I dropped Keisuke off home only to see him sprinting to
the National Library less than ten minutes later. I followed my curiosity to the Library, bullied
Keisuke into permitting me to join him in reading, and the rest is history. Or, more accurately,
understanding.

Because, by reading Yui's story, I understood it, in a way a participant couldn't. While
I was Suboshi, I could only see my story, and my pain. Maybe a little of Yui-sama's. Certainly
not Tamahome's, nor Miaka's.

As I read, I finally saw it - the bigger picture and all that Seiryuuseikun had been trying
to accomplish. He had sought the freeing of His people, the removal of the tyrant and the
renewal of Koutou. Each part of our stories had been towards that end.

Yes, my death had not been merciful. But I had died to show Seiryuu No Miko what
revenge, taken to its ultimate end, meant. Not even a hollow victory, but simply destruction.
I watched in fascinated horror at what happened to my Yui-sama after I died. Her grief
at my death. That comforted me somewhat. She had loved me, not the way I had longed for,
but love it had been. Her realization of how deceived she'd been in Nakago-sama. And her
final decision.

My Yui-chan hadn't known her weaknesses and they had overwhelmed her. She isn't
really very strong at all. I don't think either of us had realized that before. She had seemed so
strong and capable, and when she needed more strength, it wasn't there. So her final decision
was really the only one she could make. She, who wasn't strong, passed the power to one who
was.

I was so proud of Yui at that point.

My heart shattered all over again when Seiryuuseikun absorbed her, then sang with
hope when Miaka took her back.

I don't think I had loving Yui-chan in mind when I caught her, but I can't be sure.
Certainly, I spent enough time around Nakago-sama that plans and plots would become
second nature. It was certainly soon after that I decided I would court Yui again - and this
time, I would win her.

I blink at the scenery passing outside the car. We're almost at our destination. Will I
wake Yui-chan now? Or will I let her doze a little longer? I decide to let her rest. She's so
beautiful as she sleeps.

I understand everything, now. I understand why Seiryuuseikun couldn't help; mercy
and forgiveness aren't in His nature. He's a God of fighting and attacking is His way.

I understand Yui's pain and ambivalence. Now I know what she felt and endured.

I understand the Suzaku Seishi. Not that that's hard at the worst of times.

I even understand Nakago-sama, a little. Now that's scary.

Yes, this understanding is the greatest gift Seiryuuseikun could have given me. Now I
can let go of Suboshi and his pain, and now I can pray to my god Seiryuuseikun with faith
again.

Did Seiryuuseikun intend this when He permitted me to be reborn here, I wonder?

Because this is not merciful, nor kind, and they are both virtues Seiryuuseikun is famed
for lacking. But it is justice, and that is something which Seiryuuseikun is. I also will protect
Yui-chan from all which would harm her - and Seiryuu is a protective God.

No, this is something I won't try to understand. I will simply thank Him for it.

We're here. I pull into the driveway of the Hongo home, and park.

"Yui-chan. Yui-chan, wake up. You're home."

She stirs sleepily and wakes up enough for me to escort her to the door. I shouldn't
have kept her out so late, but there isn't any school on Sundays, so it's okay.

I won't tell her about who I am - who I was. She would only be hurt, and I care too
much to let her be hurt so needlessly.

I smile at the sky as I get in my car to drive to my own condo. Yui-chan, though
precious and the most important part of my life, doesn't count because I won her on my own.

Yes, the ability to understand is the greatest gift I've ever received.

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