From "Hold That Tiger"

Newkirk:"STEAL a German tank?"
Hogan:"We'll give it back. After we take it apart and make blueprints of it."
Kinchloe:"How'll we get a hold of it?"
LeBeau:"How do we get it in here?"
Newkirk:"How are we going to hide a tank?"
Carter:"Where can we take it apart?"
Hogan:"Look, I got the idea stealing it, right? The rest is details."

Schultz upon discovering Newkirk wearing a Gestapo uniform:"Oh, you went too far. I must report this. It would be worth my life if I do not report this."
Hogan:"It's only until tomorrow. Then he'll take it off again."
Schultz sighs with relief.
Hogan continues:"After he steals the tank, from the Panzer division, and brings it here into the barracks."
Schultz gasps with horror as Hogan explains and retreats to the door:"Oh, I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning."

LeBeau:"Roll call, colonel."
Hogan:"Thirty one seconds early. Why can't these Germans learn to be methodical?"

Klink yelling as he comes out of his office:"REPORT!!!"
Schultz:"How can I make a report when number fifteen is missing?
Hogan:"Look on the bright side. Fourteen are here."

Newkirk coming out of the tank as the prisoners swarm around it to take it apart:"All I wanted was an oil change."

Hogan ranting because Tiger is a woman:"Just where, for instance, do we put you up?"
Newkirk:"In the spirit of hands across the sea, and all that. I hereby volunteer to share my cubicle."

Schultz upon discovering Tiger in Hogan's office:"Colonel Hogan, this time you went too far. What am I saying? I see nothing, NOTHING!!!"

Hogan smirking:"Lose a tank?"
Klink:"If the tank did not leave this camp, then it is still here. If it is still here, your men may have hidden it. Now we will search the camp, inch by inch, barracks by barracks, prisoner by prisoner."
Hogan:"Colonel Klink, now just where do you think we might've hidden a tiger tank?"
Klink:"It is impossible for you to hide a tiger tank. Therefore, I suspect you."

General Hofstader screaming at Klink:"Where is my tank, Klink?"
Klink nervously:"Tank? Didn't it come back yet?"
General Hofstader:"Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a prisoner riot. I see no riot, I see no tank. All I see is a colonel, about to become a corporal."
Klink:"But, General Hofstader. We searched the ground, the barracks, the prisoners..."
General Hofstader:"The prisoners? No one had it in his POCKETS? We are talking about a TIGER TANK, Klink. NOT A TOY."

Schultz finding Hogan kissing Tiger:"Colonel Hogan, kissing prisoners is verboten."

From "The Pizza Parlor"

Sub Commander:"You know, Hogan, if you weren't one of their prisoners, I think you'd be one of ours."