MYSTERY ROVER THEATER 3000
Final Fantasy VII
Written By
Nick Myers

Script By
Nick Myers
Brian Myers

Road Rovers is the property of Warner Bros. from 1996-1998., I nor this
script are connected with Warner Bros. in any way, shape or form. MST3K
is the property of Best Brains Inc. from 1988-1998., I nor this script
are connected with Best Brains in any way, shape, or form. Final Fantasy
VII is the property of Squaresoft from 1997-1998. Story contents are
copyrighted 1998 Nick Myers.

The MRT3K crew are going to riff a Anime based on the greatest RPG and
maybe the greatest game ever, Final Fantasy VII.

<Roll Credits>
In the not too distant future
Next Saturday A.D.
There was a dog named Hunter
Not too different from you or me
He worked at ACME LABRATORY
Just a regular joe who works in a hurry
He did a bad job cleaning up the place
So his lab mice fired him and shot him into space
We'll send him cheesy Anime (NARF!)
The worst we can find (YES!)
He'll have to sit and watch them all and we'll monitor his mind (EGAD!)
Now keep his mind Hunter can't controll where the Anime begins or ends (POIT!)
He'll try to keep his insanity with the help of his Rover friends
ROVER ROLL CALL...
Colleen (Hai-Ya!)
Exile (Dont be vierd girl.)
Blitz (Hi pretty girl.)
Shaaaaaaag (Rah rah rah!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes 
And other science facts
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show, I should really sit back and relax
(I'm going to have to hurt you.)
FOR MYSTERY ROVER THEATER 3000!

<Door sequence>

FADE IN

We open at the SOH (Sattelite Of Hydrants) where Hunter, Colleen, Blitz
and Exile (The Movie crew) were just recovering from their last Anime.

HUNTER (RELEAVED): Whew! That was a bad one!

BLITZ (RELEAVED): Ja, I can't believe such a wimpy Anime called Galaxy
Express 999 could be such a pain causer.

Suddenly the yellow light on the panel flashes.

HUNTER (BLUNT):We'll be right back.

FADE OUT

<MRT3K Logo revolves>

FADE IN

<SOH>

Hunter and the gang were marching all over the sattelite with signs in
their hands like NO MORE BAD ANIMES and CAN THE DANG ANIME! They were
chanting too.

ALL (CHANTING, ANGRY):NO MORE ANIMES! NO MORE ANIMIES! NO MORE ANIMIES!
NO MORE ANIMIES! NO MORE ANIMIES!

Suddenly the oarnge button on the panel flashed.

HUNTER (ANGRY):The mice are calling!

Hunter slammed his fist on the panel.

<ACME LABS>

We expect to see Pinky and the Brain, but we see Billey, Brain's brainy
girlfriend instead.

<SOH>

ALL (CONFUSED):BILLEY?

<ACME LABS>

BILLEY (BLUNT):Yes, it's me. Unfortunately Eggie can't be here, he's busy
at the United Nations attemping one of his stupid plans for world domination.

<SOH>

HUNTER (HOPEFUL):Doe's this mean no Anime?

<ACME LABS>

BILLEY (BLUNT):Er, no. Eggie told me to give you this anime which is called
Final Fantasy V I I? I'm sorry, I can't read romannumerals. Well, whatever.
Anyways, it's time for me to send.

Billey flips a switch on a 8 mm camera

<SOH>

HUNTER (DISSAPOINTED):Bummer.

Suddenly lights flashed and alarms blarred.

COLLEEN (BLUNT):No needs fer regrets now Huntey Wontie, but WE HAVE ANIME
SIGN!

ALL (EXCEPT COLLEEN):ANIME SIGN!

<Door sequence>

The story opens in deep space.

EXILE (SHATNER):Space, the final frontier...

Hunter covers Exile's mouth.

HUNTER (ANNOYED):Wrong Anime Exile.

EXILE (MUFFLED):Sorry.

Hunter removes his hand from Exiles mouth. Space seems to be moving around.
The gang starts making sick noises.

HUNTER (SICK):Cut it out, I'm going to make space vomit.

Suddenly the stars turn green and fade and we see a beautiful white woman
about 22's young face, she is staring directly at the screen.

BLITZ (LOVESICK):Hi there pretty lady.

She stands up, she has a boquet of flowers in one of her hands. She turns
away for a moment, then back at the screen.

HUNTER (SARCASTIC):She's looking for the camera man because she forgot her
lines.

She turns fully around and starts to walk. She stops right in front of the
streets, traffic and people are scrolling across the screen as we fade from
the city, up to a large tower where the words FINAL FANTASY VII appear.

HUNTER (CALCULATING):Lemme see, V I and I in romannumerals in 7, so 7 times 7
dog years is 49, so this is Final Fantasy 49!

COLLEEN (IMPRESSED):Wow!

Suddenly as we fade back, we stop at a railroad station where two guards
were guarding a train that just stopped. Suddenly a young white man about
20 named Biggs came charging out the door and flips the guard who is
instantly out of commission.

BLITZ (SOUND EFFECTS):FLIP!

Then a young white woman about 18 named Jessie jumped off the roof of the
train and kicked the remaining guard putting him out of commission.

BLITZ (SOUND EFFECTS):BOP!

COLLEEN (ANNOYED):Hmph, I can do better.

Then a middle aged black male at 35 with a gun grafted into his arm named
Barret followed by a young white man about 23 named Wedge came out the door.
Barret indicated to the roof of the train and a young white man about 21
jumped off the roof and onto the ground, this is Cloud.

BARRET (AFRICAN-AMERICAN ACCENT,BLUNT):Cmon newcomer, follow me.

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):And get me a beer, will ya?

Cloud nods and Barret runs, Cloud close on his heels. Suddenly Cloud whips
out his huge sword and two soldiers come out which Cloud disposes of
immediately with his sword.

CLOUD (AMERICAN ACCENT, SMUG):Heh, didn't even break a sweat.

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):But I do carry a huge sword.

Cloud straps the sword to his back and continues his pursuit. As he comes
up to the gates to the reactor, he sees Biggs and Wedge there and Jessie
messing with the lock.

COLLEEN (IMPERSONATING JESSIE):Cant get the Sci-fi channel on this peice of
space crud.

Biggs looks at Cloud.

BIGGS (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT):Wow! You used to be SOLDIER all right! Not every
day you find one of them with us AVALANCHE.

EXILE (CONFUSED):Er, how about now?

HUNTER (ANNOYED):Exile, that's the whole point!

EXILE (CONFUSED):What is?

HUNTER (ANNOYED):Oh, forget it!

Jessie looks at Biggs.

BLITZ (IMPRESSED):Wow! She's a hotter babe than the babe at the opening
scene!

JESSIE (SOUTHERN ACCENT, CONFUSED):SOLDIER, aren't they the enemy, what's
he doing with us in AVALANCHE?

COLLEEN (ANNOYED):Hey, who's this hoar?

BIGGS (BLUNT):Woah Jess, he used to be in SOLDIER, he quit them and now he's
one of us.

HUNTER (SARCASTIC):But you're still a hoar.

Biggs turns back to Cloud.

BIGGS (BLUNT):Didn't catch your name mate...

HUNTER (BRITISH ACCENT):Bond. James Bond.

CLOUD (BLUNT):Cloud. Cloud Strife.

Hunter looks at Colleen.

HUNTER (CONFUSED):Name ring a bell?

COLLEEN (BLUNT):Nope.

Hunter looked at Exile and Blitz.

EXILE/BLITZ (IN UNISION, BLUNT):Don't even ask.

BIGGS (BLUNT):Cloud eh? I'm......

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BIGGS):Ismail.

CLOUD (INNTERUPTING, BLUNT):I don't care what your names are. Once this
mission is over, I'm outta here.

Suddenly Barret came up to the group.

BARRET (CONFUSED):The hell are y'all doing? I said no one moves in a group!

Split up and meet back at the reactor!

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):Whatever that is, yeah!

Jessie finally stops messing with the lock and the gate opens. Jessie,
Wedge and Biggs run through, Barret follows, but then turns to Cloud.

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):Did you get my beer?

BARRET (BLUNT):Ex-SOLDIER huh? Don't trust ya!

Barret then turned around and continued on his way. Cloud follows but
stops to take a gander at the huge Mako Reactor then continued his
pursuit.

HUNTER (IMPRESSED):Wow, look at the size of that thing!

The members of AVALANCHE Barret, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie were already
in the reactor. Cloud ran up to them.

BARRET (BLUNT):Yo! Is this your first time in a reactor?

CLOUD (BLUNT):No, I used to be in SOLDIER, you know.

HUNTER (CONFUSED):Hey, doesn't the guy with gold spikey hair sound
like Goku from Dragon Ball Z?

BLITZ (BLUNT):Ja, you're right.

BARRET (BLUNT):This reactor is filled with Mako energy, people use it
everyday.

Cloud shrugs his shoulders.

BARRET (ANGRY):It's the lifeforce of this planet, and Shinra keeps
draining it with these damn machines!

CLOUD (SERIOUS):I'm not here for a lecture, let's just hurry before
the guards get here.

BARRET (ANGRY):That's it! You're coming with me from now on!

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):You, you non-black guy!

Barret turned to Jessie, she presses a button.

JESSIE (BLUNT):Code deciphered.

COLLEEN (CONFUSED):What did she say?

A door opens, they run in. Barret turns to Biggs who presses another
button.

BIGGS (BLUNT):Code deciphered.

HUNTER (CONFUSED):What?

The next door opens, and they run in. One gate left, Barret turns to
Jessie. She presses a button.

JESSIE (BLUNT):Code deciphered.

ALL (CONFUSED):Huh?

Barret turns to Wedge and Biggs as the door opened.

BARRET (BLUNT):Stay by the exit, we'll be back.

Wedge and Biggs nods, turns, and runs away. Barret, Cloud and Jessie
continue on. They come to an elevator. Jessie indicates to a switch
panel.

JESSIE (BLUNT):Push that button over there!

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING JESSIE):The one that says Send Anime To hell!

After Cloud pushes the button, the elevator goes down. Barret looks at him.

BLITZ (IMPERSONATING BARRET):Where the hell is my beer?!
BARRET (STERN):Once these reactors drain up all the energy that'll be that.
HUNTER (HOPEFUL):The Anime will be over?

Cloud shrugs.

EXILE (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Don't give a damn.
CLOUD (STERN):It isn't my problem.

Barret gets angry. He pounds his chest in a Tarzan fashion.

COLLEEN:<TARZAN CALL>
BARRET (ANGRY):The planet's dying Cloud!
EXILE (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Still don't give a damn.
CLOUD (STERN):Let's just get this job done. 

Barret growls angrily. As the elevator stops, Jessie, Cloud and Barret leave.
They reach the reactor cooler, not quite where they need to be so they continued
on down a fleet of stairs. They then come up to a door that said "Reactor Core"
in Japaneese.

HUNTER (BLUNT):So they just give away their secrets by putting room names on
doors.

Jessie opens the door and they run in.

BLITZ (CONFUSED):Don't they ever think of walking? Do they allways run?
HUNTER (BLUNT):I guess so.

They soon come to a platform where Jessie just stands there.

JESSIE (BLUNT):Allright, here on, it's your job.
COLLEEN (ANNOYED):Jeesh, who died and made her the Queen? 

Cloud and Barret nod and they continue down a ladder and across a bridge which
led to the reactor core. Barret turns to Cloud.

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):So you're telling me that this is the brewer?
BARRET (BLUNT):This is the core. Cloud, you set the bomb.
BLITZ (ANNOYED):This movie IS a bomb!
CLOUD (CONFUSED):Shouldn't you do it?
COLLEEN (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Can't you pump your own beer?
BARRET (IRRITATED):Just do it! I gotta stay here and watch to make sure you
don't pull anything!
HUNTER (DISQUSTED):Eeew, scratch the thought.

Cloud sighed.

CLOUD (BLUNT):Fine, be my guest.

Suddenly Cloud's ears start to ring for a moment then stop. Cloud has a
pained look in his eyes.

BARRET (CONFUSED):What's wrong?
HUNTER (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Sorry, I just had a feedback loop from my
childhood days. I couln't believe I had to repeat Kindergarten 3 times.
CLOUD (CONFUSED):Huh?
BARRET (IRRITATED):What's wrong Cloud? Hurry it up!
HUNTER (IMPERSONATING BARRET):I'm dieing for a drink!
CLOUD (BLUNT):Oh right, sorry.

Cloud goes to the controll panel and plays with the switches, entering a self-
destruct code.

BARRET (EXCITED):Heads up, here they come!
HUNTER:The calvary has arrived!
BLITZ:<Impersonating fan fare>

Cloud immediately whips out his sword. A huge red robot that looks like a
scorpion came down from out of nowhere.

CLOUD (ANGRY):It's a Guard Scorpion!
HUNTER (CONFUSED):A what?
BARRET (CONFUSED):A robogaurd?
CLOUD (ANGRY):'fraid so.
COLLEEN (RELIEVED):At least it isn't a spider, those things give me the
willies.

The Guard Scorpion fires twin Machine guns at Cloud who deflects the bullets
off his sword. Cloud then gave it a swipe with his sword, slicing a vital
circut. But the Guard Scorpion was still standing.

CLOUD:Bolt!
EXILE (CONFUSED):What is cola going to do to the robotski?

A flash of lightning strikes the robot, causing major damage.

BARRET (BLUNT):My turn!

Barret starts shooting the robot with his gun arm, bulet holes start appearing
in the robot's chest.

HUNTER:Quick-draw McGraw.
CLOUD:BRAVER!
BLITZ (SARCASTIC):Ja, he sure could be.

Cloud starts to powerup and then he charges at the robot, sword drawn and
leaps into the air and comes down on the robot, putting his blade through it,
cutting it in two. When Cloud landed, the two pieces fell on seperate sides.
Cloud then spins his sword in his hand and reattaches it to his back.

HUNTER (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Ow! I have to work on that.

Cloud then turns around and enters the final code to start the self-destruct
sequence.

BARRET (BLUNT):Allright, let's get outta here!
COMPUTER VOICE:Ten minnutes until detonation!
HUNTER (BLUNT):We're outta here.

Hunter and his gang left the theater.

FADE OUT

<MRT3K logo revolves>

FADE IN

Hunter and Exile were playing chess that have the silloets of FFVII 
charecters. Hunter had lost all of his peices except for his king (or in this 
case Cloud) and Exile still had all his charecters. 

EXILE (SMUG):Checkmate.
HUNTER:I don't think so.

Hunter suddenly picked up Cloud and knocked down all of Exile's pieces except 
for his King (in this case Pres. Shinra).

HUNTER (SMUG):Checkmate.
EXILE (ANGRY):D'oh! ::Slams fist on table::

Suddenly the alarms blared.

HUNTER:Anime sign!

<Door Sequence>

Hunter and Exile walk in along with the rest of the Rovers. Just in time to 
see Cloud and Barret running.

BARRET:9 1/2 minnutes!
COLLEEN (IMPERSONATING BARRET):Until I get mideval on your butt!
HUNTER (CONFUSED):Can he do that?

They started back the way they came then they crossed paths with Jessie.

BARRET:Come on!
JESSIE:Right!

Cloud and Barret run but as Jessie runs she gets her foot stuck into a vent. 
Cloud turned around.

BARRET:Cloud! We have 7 minnutes!
CLOUD:You go ahead!
HUNTER (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):End the movie without me!
BARRET:Stupid $%&@.........

Barret continued on as Cloud went back to Jessie.

CLOUD (CONCERNED):You allright?
JESSIE (BLUNT):Yes, but my leg got stuck.
CLOUD (BLUNT):Here......
BLITZ (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Let me push it further.

Cloud helped Jessie get her foot free.

COLLEEN (SHOCKED):How can he do that after she's been such a $%&@?
JESSIE (PLEASED):Thanks!
HUNTER (IMPERSONATING CLOUD):Yeah whatever you $%&@.

Jessie started running, Cloud close behind her. 

HUNTER (SMUG):Looks like the movie's almost over.

They both climb the ladder and head out of the Core Room. 6 minnutes left.

COLLEEN (SMUG):They'll never make it.

All the other Rovers cheer. Jessie and Cloud race back the same royte they 
came, a staircase that lead back to the elevator.

JESSIE (EXCITED):Quick, push the button! We have 4 1/2 minnutes left!
HUNTER (IMPERSONATING JESSIE):The one that says "Screw the movie"!

Cloud nods and pushes the buttor and the elevator goes up.

FEMALE VOICE (MECHANICAL):All personel must evacuate immdeiately! You now 
have 3 minnutes to reach safety.
CLOUD (FRUSTERATED):S***, we won't make it!
HUNTER (PLESED):Cool, that means it's about over!
JESSIE (EXCITED):Yes we will! Don't give up!
