elude allusion Luddite riveting proclaim enigmatic flummox stint disseminate phenomenon burgeoning strategy rhapsodize paranormal invaluable

The allusion may elude you my Luddite friend but I find it riveting to find you flummoxed by this stint of disseminating the invaluable and paranormal information that is creating a strategy composed of a burgeoning phenomenon that is enigmatic and full of rhapsodizing energy. I am ready to proclaim this the discovery of the ages and yet you are so left behind in its premise that I find myself wondering at your intellectual capacities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has eluded the cat posse for now but his success will be limited. The bad thing is that the police will be having to protect him if he is found injuring another harmless cat. The thing that terrifies me is that he may be maiming cats now but will he move on to harming children and other people. Kids are really so defenseless and trusting in so very many ways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The allusion to the cat posse refers to those diligent neighbors who are watching out for the man who has been accused and seems to be responsible for the disappearance and deaths of many neighborhood cats. It is not known if he tortures the animals but it is known that he has been seen selling "jewelry" made of animal fur, teeth and bones. It appears that the perpetrator is mentally ill but something needs to happen to protect both he and the community. It is a double edged sword and will provide a difficult situation for law enforcement, the justice system and the neighborhood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The local Luddites are opposed to the introduction of additional manufacturing jobs in the state saying that it is destroying the agricultural base. The sad thing is that agribusiness by destroying the family farm has already destroyed the state's agricultural roots and the advent of additional manufacturing jobs may well be what keeps the state from sinking even further into poverty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shara's arguments were riveting in that she could speak to both sides of the situation and outline the pros and cons of each without seeming to lean one way or the other. We did not know her position but we were better informed by her clear, concise statements than by all the arguing that had preceded her statements.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josiah proclaimed the land to be the new Caanan and as an enigmatic leader he convinced his followers to come with him into this new territory and build a civilization from the ground up so that they would be energized by the strength of their convictions and actions to bear out same. Josiah's followers would be ready for the Rapture when it came and in the meantime they would be living righteous lives and bearing witness to the beliefs that held them together as a cohesive group.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mother was totally flummoxed by the decline in my father's health. She saw him wasting away and sleeping much of the time when previously he had been busy and robust. She made him go to see his doctors in search of answers that might help him to be diagnosed and treated. The allergist/pulmonologist did all he could to help my father but yet his symptoms continued. My mother then took daddy to his internist who did not have any answers but he suspected from the symptoms that he could be having cardiovascular issues and so he sent him to the cardiologist. After an exam, the cardiologist ordered a stress test which my dad failed spectacularly. He was scheduled for an arteriogram with the possibility of needing stints or even a by pass needing to be done.

After daddy's arteriogram he had 4 stints put into a coronary artery and the increase in blood flow was dramatic. Daddy will need further coronary surgery down the road but for right now he is feeling better than he has in months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a need to quickly disseminate information about the cat napper to inform neighborhood residents of the problem. We used social networking via Facebook and Twitter. The local paper carried a story, all of the television networks aired stories about the cat napper and our local weekly paper carried the story and put out an alert for its email customers. The word was carried quickly and the cat napper was arrested.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The incident with the cat napper was a phenomenon that was unprecedented in our neighborhood. There was someone stealing cats, stuffing them into an ice chest and then taking to be teleported by aliens and/or killed to make garish "jewelry" from their hair, skin and bones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a rapid burgeoning response to the story of the cat napper who was stealing cats and stuffing them into an ice chest. In our neighborhood pets are considered to be part of the family and for someone to be threatening neighborhood cats was considered a crime of a great degree.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My strategy for completing NaNoWriMo is to write as much as possible that I can which would be included in the novel and then use the editing time later to create the story as it should be. This is my plan, we will have to see how it works. I just want to complete NaNoWriMo and be successful. This is very important to me. Let us hope that my strategy is successful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can rhapsodize about NaNoWriMo for hours, this is just such an important event to me and I hope that I complete it successfully. I am not yet finished editing my novel from the last NaNoWriMo and yet it is the actual writing and completing the novel that is of the utmost importance to me. This is a challenge that I take seriously and that I hope to add to my badge of accomplishments. We shall see how I do. In the meantime, I will write my heart out and hope that everything comes out okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine Monica Burns is working on a paranormal novel that addresses the issue of reincarnation. She has been having some difficulty with her main characters in the novel, something that I can certainly relate to in the writing of this NaNoWriMo novel.

During JulNoWriMo, I tried to write a paranormal novel from the viewpoint of being a memoir but found myself unable to complete the novel because it was too close to my own experience, to intense and too painful to write. Someday I will have to finish the story but for now it must wait will I write other stories and try to complete writing competitions such as NaNoWriMo.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The contributions of words by my friend Jodie has been invaluable in helping me to write my NaNoWriMo novel. Her words provide prompts, springboards if you will to help me in the work of my novel. Without her assistance I fear that I would be quite lost in the process and wandering around aimlessly. Jodie has helped me to retain my footing on solid ground and for that I thank her very much. She has made this year's NaNoWriMo novel possible. Thank you Jodie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tedium extenuate mockery coven livid stevedore fregola manic faculty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found the tedium of the situation in the hospital waiting room to be almost overwhelming. I took a valium to help me to cope with the tedious conversations and actions that were going on around me. The television was on too loudly, there were people on their cell phones, laptops, playing games, talking in voices more suited for football stadiums and so on. It was a most abysmal situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were extenuating circumstances for some of the people involved in unsavory and tedious behavior in the hospital waiting room but over all the people involved behaved like spoiled children who did not know how to use civilized behavior and manners.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes human behavior makes a mockery of the standards for polite society. There are those who have no interest in boundaries between themselves and others. They need to be admonished for their poor behavior and yet to chastise them would leave me in the role of someone who was behaving badly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One often hears of witch's covens but the truth of the matter is that few true witches practice in covens, that is for amateurs and show offs, most witches who are true to their craft practice alone as solitaries or perhaps with one or two trusted practicioners of the craft who are able to participate in a circle and create true magic rather than pretend to follow the precepts of a made up religion and craft. If you hear that someone belongs to a coven you can almost bet that they are "wannabes" not the real thing. They make a mockery of the craft and should be shunned by real witches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was livid recently when politician stated that she had "dabbled in witchcraft" when she was discussing "playing at Satanism" and I assure you that Satanic practice has nothing to do with the real practice of witchcraft. Sometimes I wish I could cut out people's tongues so that they could not wag them so freely and ignorantly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was brawny and built like a stevedore ready to take on difficult tasks and make them look easy because they took him little effort he could not always be empathic with how difficult some actions could be for others.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fregola is a Sardinian pasta that is similar in appearance and taste to couscous. I have only recently learned about it but will be ordering some to learn more about it and find out how it differs from couscous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In 1999 I had ECT (electro convulsive therapy) in an effort to break up a serious depressive episode that was totally destroying my life. Unfortunately the ECT caused me to become very manic and psychotic. I was nearly impossible to live with and difficult to contain. I spent much of this time in a psychiatric hospital as I was so psychiatrically imbalanced that I needed constant observation. The ECT did not dispel the depressive episode but it did cause me to lose my memories for most of at least five years of my life, caused me to have a seizure disorder and created cognitive damage that continues to this day more than eleven years later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a wonderful and longstanding affair with a faculty member of a local university. The man's name was Frank and I loved him very much. I would have liked to marry him but it was not meant to be. When he was ready to marry I was not available and when he was ready to marry again after becoming a widower I was again not available.

I can still remember his Spanish styled house with its lovely wooden floors. He was a loving soul who wanted and needed to be loved as much as I did. It is because we were both so needy that our love was destined to fail. He was much older than I am, in fact he is/was older than my father. He was in poor health many years ago and has probably passes away at this point. I can still say without any hesitation that he was one of the few men in my life that I truly loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

distaff homespun fait accompli dizen decolletege amateur marrow port (wine, in a storm, medical...your choice) fortification customary profound impeccable complexity escalating clamor enthrall sibilant commune (noun or verb, again, your choice) reunite shards

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She held the distaff in her hand as she spun the flax into linen. Steadily she kept at her task spinning the fine thread that would be woven into a cloth that would be sold at the market to help support her family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So many of the Confederate soldiers wore rough homespun uniforms rather than proper uniforms to denote their rank and position. The blockade of the ports by the Yankee ships was sinking the Confederacy to its knees and taking a terrible toll on the people of the South whether they supported the Union or the Confederacy, they all paid the toll.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The situation seems to be a fait accompli...time is running out and I have physical issues related to body and eyes. I need to write a novel of fifty thousand words to be successful at NaNoWriMo and yet I cannot seem to get my word count up where it needs to be despite my ongoing efforts. I am less than a third of the way where I should be now and don't see how I can catch up and win this round and yet I am unwilling to say "NO" I still want find a way to be a winner to have the bragging rights even though my novel is a shambles and I will have to work extra hard to edit it into something that is a feasible piece of literature. I must keep typing despite all of the strikes I have going against me. This is my passion. I will succeed. I will not give up no matter what.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she dizened her distaff so that she could spin the fleece into yarn for knitting sweaters, scarves and socks, she spent time imagining what the day would bring and contemplated how she would flee the every day hum drum of her life as soon as she could and find her lover to bed with. She loved his touch. He aroused her so and she found ways to make him wildly passionate in his love making. Oh there was so much life beyond the spinning of yarn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In her lovely Empire styled frock the decolletege of Iris' dress was daringly low, her cream breasts threatened to break free from her frock leaving her embarrassed by her potential nudity, Iris tugged at her neckline so she would not be overexposed as she awaited a young gentleman to come ask her to dance at the ball.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

According to Harlan Ellison amateur writers like myself make it difficult for professional writers because we often allow our work to be used for free and yet, there are markets where we can get our name out in the public if we do allow our writing to be used for free so that hopefully a publisher, agent or editor will see our work and realize that we have the potential to do greater things. I don't think that Mr. Ellison sees us as a threat if we are being paid so much as he sees us as ants to be squashed for giving our work away for free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After we cooked up bones to make soup we would often scoop out the marrow and spread it on bread to eat in a humble sandwich. We were poor and could not afford to waste anything. The bones we got for free from the butcher were the basis for soups, stews and the aforementioned sandwiches that we ate as our main meals to help us to survive our impoverished lives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days ago was the anniversary of the death of one of my dearest friends, we had been best friends for 26 years and now she has been gone for 13 years for a total of thirty nine years altogether.

When Rita first got sick I took her to the hospital to begin her treatment. One of the first things the doctors had to do was insert a port for her chemotherapy. They had a great deal of trouble installing the port. It took them over three grueling hours. I was standing outside in the hallway hearing Rita's subtle moans as she tried to not cry out in the excruciating pain.

At last the port was installed. The doctors left, I went back into the room and held Rita's hand. We both cried at the ordeal she had just been through.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a dear friend who owns a garage who drinks "medicinal" port for fortification so that he can deal with life as it is thrown at him. Johnny is a good man but life has not been kind to him. He has lost his wife, his health and virtually his business because he cannot take care of cares any longer. He has a worthless son who doesn't help him with anything and who is just a parasite who sucks the life out of his father. Even though Johnny can no longer run the garage he goes there every day to feed the feral cats that have come to depend on him. Johnny uses crutches to get around and has fallen, hurting himself badly trying to navigate around on them. His medicinal port is what helps him to get through the day. I am glad he has that for fortification to help him cope with all that comes his way day in and day out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is customary in my family to make a big deal of everyone's birthday and treat them in a very special way on their big day. Usually we all get together at a restaurant or our family cabin and celebrate not only the birthday of our dear family member but also the fact that we are still an intact family with every one still alive and somewhat healthy. We all love each other in our own way and rejoice in our ability to enjoy each other's company even if it is in limited doses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a profound thought once but promptly forgot it. LOL!!!! Such silliness is part and parcel of my family and our lives together. If anyone DID have a profound thought and manage to share it we would all be amazed and in awe that someone in our midst could share such an insight with us. We look more toward humor and merriment in our exchanges. We leave the profound to others in the world. We are life's clowns.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My sister is probably the most impeccable member of our family. She styles her hair, wears make up, puts on stylish jewelry and tries to dress nicely most of the time. I find it amusing at times the efforts that she goes to but she probably finds me to be a slatternly slob who could put forth a little more effort in my dress and looks. Hey, I brush my hair and keep it from hanging in my face what more do you want? LOL!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a definite complexity to my personality, more than one person has called me an enigma. I am capricious and untoward. I do not fit into any molds and in fact I am very good at destroying any boxes that people try to cage me up in. I am my own person. I live my life on my own terms and have paid a very dear price for doing so. It isn't easy being me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find that often my temper will be escalating over minute issues that most people wouldn't even notice. I do have little patience for people who are rude in public. The applies especially to people who seem to be glued to their cell phones as if we all want to hear the intimate and boring details of their lives. It is all a bit much. I mean really. No wonder I escalate so easily.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The crowd clamored at his arrest, he had hurt cats in the area, he deserved to be punished for his crimes and yet, the only crime he could be arrested and tried for would be the assault on a human being. We all agreed that the cat napper was wrong to hit the cat protector with a stick and injure him but we wanted justice for our cats too. Proving that this man was THE man who had killed and maimed the cats would be nigh impossible. It is a frustrating situation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was enthralled at the complexity of his writing. Jonathan's way with words was detailed and intriguing. He wove a story the way one might a tapestry with the warp and woof intertwining to make a seamless piece of cloth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her sibilant phrases echoed through the hall despite the noise of the reveling merry makers. It was amazing, nay even surprising to hear those hissing notes dancing atop the laughter and mirth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Garth is attempting to reunite the commune as it seems that the time is nigh that we learn to live in community and be self sufficient. The economy is collapsing under the weight of greed and debt. We will need a way to survive the underpinnings of our society giving way and creating ensuing chaos that will surely follow. Life will be dicey to say the least with the fall comes, Garth is a visionary with a good idea, now if we can just follow through and bring the group back together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I find my life in fractured shards. My health is failing, my income is much less than my basic needs for survival and there is no one to aid or assist me. I am not sick enough for this nor poverty stricken enough for that. My income is fourteen dollars a month too much for additional services and yet me drugs cost me well over two hundred dollars a month but that doesn't count in the equation only my gross income counts.

Prices keep going up and grocery sizes keep shrinking yet the government says that there is no inflation and thus there will be no increase in Social Security payments for the second year in a row.

The inflation index is an artificial tool to fool the masses and screw the poor. I don't know how some people can sleep at night, do you?

November 19th

I have managed to add another six thousand words to my NaNoWriMo novel and yet I am still pulling up short. I have to say that I am pleased with my progress even though I am still woefully behind. I keep writing and writing, trying to make sense of my characters motivation and keep them rolling along with action and activity. At times my plot seems to stagnate but that is for editing days. I only have eleven more NaNo days to go and yet I have more than thirty thousand words to spit out in eleven days. Oh woe is me, woe is me, I sound like a sniveling pitiful child who has no skill for writing or pulling miracles out of the hat. I believe that I was this far behind last year and finished with a day to spare but I must say that I did not have the visual problems last year that I have this year. I really need my eyes to see so that I can, in fact, write. Ah, there is the rub but I will persevere and all will be well. I have decreed it to be so.

Last night I thought of something as being festive which reminded me of my friend from long ago, Conrad. Conrad was a sweet little nelly chap who was one of my closest friends for years before he betrayed me but back in the days that we gamboled about and enjoyed each other's company he went through a phase where everything was festive, I think he had been inspired by Rio's Carnival and picked up on the word and played with it for many weeks. It was a fun time because, of course, everything was festive.

I looked Conrad up on Facebook and his avatar picture was one that was taken back when he and I were running around and enjoying life together. There are more recent pictures of him on his profile too but age has taken some of the boyish curves from his face. Age has taken its toll on us all hasn't it.

I was tempted to see about adding Conrad as a friend but thought better of it, his betrayal not once but twice had stung so much that I just didn't want to take any chances. I have have hurt enough in this life already.

Ciao!

November 20th

Well, last night in my novel I wrote some about Conrad, our onetime friendship and his betrayal. As I wrote about Conrad, I thought of and wrote about Donnie and his many, many betrayals of me. This added a lot of fodder for my main character to chew on and work with.

Donnie was seeing a former friend of mine, in fact, they had been engaged when they were in high school. Donnie got drafted and while he was in 'Nam she got knocked up by someone else and married him. Donnie couldn't believe that she "couldn't keep her pants up for two years" while he was in the service and believe me after her betrayal of him he never kept his pants up for anyone ever again.

My friend, Karen, told me that she quit seeing Donnie because her husband Sam was getting suspicious, at which time Donnie happened to ask me out and we started a tempestuous sixteen year relationship. Most of that sixteen years was spent with me waiting for him to grow up and become a man. I also hoped he would either stop drinking or learn to drink responsibly (neither happened).

Donnie would tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me (we got three marriage licenses that were returned unused) and then he would disappear with some old hank that he would shack up with for several months and then he'd appear again pledging his love to me. I quit having sex with him early on. I wasn't ready to play sexual Russian Roulette because I never knew where his stick had been dipped. At the same time I decided to become totally celibate until I could make a good choice in a relationship. I was celibate for fourteen years.

I saw Donnie many times in those fourteen years, he often wanted to have sex but soon learned that "no" meant "HELL NO!" He would still come see me and hang around for a week to six months and then disappear for months or even years at a time without a word then out of the blue he was back again. I loved him too much. I think I was crazy.

Donnie finally put an end to me ever even considering him as a boyfriend again or seeing him at any time by calling me to ask me to do a three way with he and his wife. I was aghast and appalled. I told him what I thought of his request, told him that hell would freeze over before I ever considered seeing him again and then hung up. Well, over the years he has called a few times like he used to do and I have told him a quick "Goodbye." I now have and an unlisted number. I don't think he has the balls to come to my house even though I have lived in the same house for over 25 years. He just isn't man enough to face me in person.

As for being celibate well, I met the right woman and put an end to celibacy. I like men but my Teffers is the right partner for me. We have been together for almost 15 years and it has been GREAT! She was worth the wait.

Let me tell you the stories of Conrad and Donnie certainly spiced up my NaNoWriMo novel. How could a tale like the one with Donnie not add a little heat? He used to be built like Adonis and made such sweet love to me...too bad he didn't know how to be a man.

Ciao!

November 21st

I have been working on my NaNo and decided to take a break to see what was up on Facebook. So many surprises there. First someone from the sixth grade, Loretta Talley found me on Facebook and had even posted our class picture from the sixth grade on Facebook. Loretta was and is a very sweet girl. I was amazed that she even remembered me, we only went to school together for one year but I must have made some kind of good impression for her to look for me.

The sixth grade was possibly one of the worst years of my life. My family had just moved back to Arkansas from Louisiana. I was in my third school in two years. I went from where we played marbles at recess to a place where two of my classmates were being screwed by their father and stepfather. I learned about incest, family secrets, family violence and the rages of alcoholism all in one year.

My own family was coming unglued. Daddy was working in excess of sixty hours a week, mom was suffering a severe depressive episode with psychotic features, my school teachers were hellish and I was the target child of emotional, verbal and physical abuse by my parents. I finally snapped myself. If I was going to be treated like a hell child just for breathing I was going to show the world what a hell child was. I became angry and raging. This did not stop for several years, in fact it is still just beneath the surface, that is how much damage was done in that one year of my life.

I found out once Loretta discovered me on Facebook that there were a lot of us who had survived the same hell at school in the sixth grade, we shared stories, I learned that other students referred to my teacher as the "witch" of Pulaski Heights. I cannot tell you the healing that has taken place since Loretta found me and I have connected with other people from my class.

Two of the people I connected with have serious psychiatric disorders, I sincerely doubt that they are in treatment. It is painful to read some of their postings. I would like to talk to them about their illnesses but I sense they are in serious denial. I am so glad that I am in treatment for my psychiatric diagnoses as my life would be hell if I were not. It has been an uphill battle to get the treatment I need but I am glad to finally be getting good medication management.

Also on FaceBook I have met up with people from junior high and high school. People I hung out with and others I just had classes with. It has been great. Sometimes I am surprised at the people who "friend" me but it is all good. I am probably one of the few people from my classes living in abject poverty. That is quite the bummer but I am who I am and I will not see myself as "less than" because I don't have money or take fancy trips to exotic locales. I am my on special someone and try to remember that at all times.

Very recently an old boyfriend found me on Facebook, probably one of the few people that I had a decent "break up" with and I have to say that I wasn't very good to him when we were together. I wish I could change that but I cannot. He was a good guy and I was one messed up little stoner chick with the hots for a smokin' Italian guy who barely knew that I was alive. Ed survived me being a butt head to him and thinks kindly of me, that is nice. It is pleasant to have conversation with a man who you knew as a boy and to find that he is not just a man but a decent man. Ed is one of three guys from high school who I am very thrilled to connect with and find out what upstanding guys they are. It is a nice experience.

The females I have connected with have not been as "connected" as some of the guys but then I guess the gals and I had less in common than the guys and I did. Kind of sad in a way but that is life.

Ciao!

My relationship with my son is fractured to say the least. I don't know what happened but in his last semester of high school my son became a stranger to me and 15 years later that has not changed in the least.

Shortly after he "graduated" from high school he decided to have a fight with me that I am still not sure what it is about and then he moved in with my mother who fed into his line of crap and to seal the deal that they were bonded over and above his relationship with me, she took him to buy a brand new truck and he signed over the truck that I had worked so hard to be able to buy for him. I could have used that truck but instead it was given first to my mother and then to my sister who then sold it to a neighbor. This all happened with a truck that I bought and paid for and that my name was on.

This is just one example of how he started blowing me off. He didn't have time for me but had time for everyone else, a situation that continues to this day. He eventually left Little Rock, went to Seattle to live with his father who didn't have the time of day for him while he was growing up. After about 18 months he came back to Little Rock for less than a year then moved back to Seattle to be with his dad again. With each move and action he became more of a stranger to me.

While he was in Seattle he came home to visit once, went to his brother's wedding, had an alchoholic bender and then finally showed up late for a dinner being held in his honor.

Despite all the crap Sean threw at the entire family during this time when he decided to move back again my mother treated him like he was a returning hero, I wished he would stay in Seattle, it hurt less to deal with his crap when he wasn't around. He came back to Little Rock, fucked everybody over royally, then acted like he was the victim. His behavior was so much like his father's that it made me sick. It was like he could throw out whatever crap he wanted to and then expect everyone to over look it. Everyone was mad at Sean, Sean started a business and screwed over customers royally. It left a black mark on us all.

Then finally a few days before Thanksgiving 2006 my hot water heater started leaking, I called my son the plumber for help. He said he'd be over in 40 minutes. I am still waiting, it is November 21st, 2010. I'd say he is a little late. I had to call another plumber. Because we were supposed to go to his house for dinner and I could not pretend any longer that nothing was wrong, I canceled my acceptance of dinner plans. My mother and sister followed suite...there was a huge breach with much anger. Sean was the one who was wronged and we were the evil villians, not him.

This was all complicated by the fact that Sean still legally owned the van that I was making payments on. I made the payments but he did not make payments to the finance company. I never knew if my van was going to be repossessed or not. The van was finally paid of but Sean never would cooperate with me getting a title for it. He was refusing to see me or speak to me, wouldn't let me see my grand daughter and yet I was paying his personal property taxes which were expensive so that I could get license plates on the van to be able to drive it.

This situation drug on for years, in the ensuing time my son and daughter in law had another baby, Ashley. When Ashley was 8 months old they found out that she had cancer, at age 11 months she died. I never got to see or hold Ashley. I was "allowed" to go to the funeral and rosary for her. There is a hole in my heart that is being slow to mend.

After Ashley's death I was "allowed" to go to my other grand daughter, Kimbo's birthday party. She was three at the time. There have been sporadic visits with the family since then. We did get to have Christmas Eve breakfast with them in 2009.

Another grandchild has been born September 2010, her name is Jessica. The relationship is still strained and is more distant still because Sean's step-mother has moved to Little Rock and his father will be moving here soon. There is no room for Steve and I both in Sean's life. I don't know what to do. I am just sick about it.

The situation was tentative as it was but my father recently had a hospital stay and Sean didn't find out about it until after the fact and I think he blames me for not telling him about it. I am in a "can't" win situation. I just go through every day with a child who lives about 12 blocks away but it may as well be on the other side of the world.

My heart is in shreds. I love my son so much. I love my daughter in law, my step-grandson and my two precious grand daughters. I want to have a relationship with them and yet everything is so out of balance. I just don't know what to think or do. It is a mess. This has been a living hell for fifteen years and I am clueless as to how it can be better. Sigh!

Ciao!

Sometimes I just don't know about things. I try to understand the world around me and write about it but at other times I am just clueless. Last night I wrote about the situation with my son and I have pondered what I wrote since then. I have no new clear insights. I am still just as much as a loss as I have been over the past fifteen years. As I said last night, this was so much easier when he was in Washington because it wasn't all right in my face and now it is going to be even more in my face with Dr. Dickhead and his wife being here.

I do have to say that Dr. D and Maria were very, very good to Patricia when she was up in Seattle with a dying child. It was the first time they really stepped up to the parent role for any of their children. Hell, they went on a family vacation to Disney Land when their youngest son was undergoing chemotherapy for Hodgekin's Disease. My son Sean took care of his baby brother at the time (ok, baby brother was about 17 but still to LEAVE your kid to go for a Disney vacation when he is undergoing chemotherapy is fucking irresponsible. Period, end of question.)

So to say that Dr. D and Maria have been less than stellar parents is an understatement. Their children have not finished high school, much less attended college. They have entry level jobs at the ages of 32, 30 and 29. They are incapable of taking care of themselves on an adult level at all. Now Sean, my son, has made HUGE mistakes and done STUPID shit, he does at least act like an adult on occasion and he has stepped into the father role with his younger siblings on many occasions.

Still and all, I am flabbergasted at why he has so little regard for me when my life revolved around him and work. I worked like a dog so he could have the things he wanted and then I spent as much time with him and for him as I could. Obviously it was not enough.

There is such a huge breach in my family, no one in my family wants to have anything to do with Sean and his family and vice versa. Sean does reach out to mom and dad some. He has more regard for mom than he does for me despite the fact that she has fucked him over royally more than once. She does that well. I love her but I really do come from a most dysfunctional family. For a family where the parents have been together for more than 50 years, no cheating, no alcoholism, daddy is OCD, mom has psychotic depression and when she is psychotic watch out it gets really crazy so we have our family secrets but damn I know families with many more family secrets and they are much more functional than my family we are just totally fucked up and yet we love each other despite our flaws. We don't necessarily like each other but we do tolerate each other admirably perhaps because we have experienced so much craziness together.

Sean got left out and became a target for so much anger but then his behavior while unacceptable is shit that my parents let him get away with for years so it is no wonder that he is fucking confused as to why people are mad at him now for doing the same old shit. Hell, it confuses me too.

My brother is finally in a VERY healthy relationship after being in a shitty relationship for about 28 years. We all LOVE his new girlfriend and hope that they make it as a couple. She is an angel. We think she is wonderful. The boys, my nephews, like her too. That is good. The boys love their mother but they sure don't like her, she is a drug addicted psycho bitch from hell. Sunshine, the new girlfriend is so a delightful contrast to all that craziness.

My sister is married to an old fart who can be such an ass. I am not sure why she loves him but she says she does and that he loves her too. I don't really see it but they have been together for about 14 years and married for over 11 years and don't show signs of splitting up. My sister is one of the most spazz ass human beings I have ever known. She is OCD and bi-polar too. Her symptoms are not under control and she can be such the crazy woman she spends money like it is water and doesn't understand how she becomes so broke so much of the time. It is insane. Her husband spends money like crazy too, I don't know how they stay out of the poor house. They lost hundreds of thousands of dollars when the stock market crashed but they do have real estate and land does grow in value, especially where their's is.

I am a bi-sexual, bi-polar who has OCD and PTSD. I am not fun to live with. I am a bitch. I don't know how my girlfriend puts up with me. I love her so much but I can be hell on wheels at times. I have mellowed out a lot over the years and that helps but gosh I'd like to be on an even keel like she is. My Teffers is very zen and I love that about her.

Ciao!