Doctor Arnold Dupree led the two visitors down the darkened corridor to the patient’s room. He looked at the woman; she had the dress sense of a hooker but the manners of an inquisitive child. The boy was a foreigner, from France apparently. He looked a bit like that film star, the one in that film with the boat. “Here we are.” He said finally. “Jane Doe, age early to mid forties we think.
Haana coughed involuntary. “I’m sorry.” She said when she saw the Doctor’s face. “Fly in my throat.”
“Yes well, she’s under the delusion that she’s some sort of alien being. She claims to be a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterberous.”
Jean-Marc looked sharply at Haana. “That is not true.” He said to the psychiatrist.
“Of course it’s not true.” Haana agreed.
“Yes, well of course it isn’t Monsieur. Baptiste, Miss Sinclair. The poor woman is obviously deranged.”
“She’s a Time Lady.” Haana explained. “Everything else is true though. Contact Brigadier Winifred Bambara at UNIT in England. She’ll vouch for the Doctor.”
“Let me out of here!” The Doctor shouted as she strained on the straps of the straightjacket. “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.”
Doctor Dupree looked gravely at Haana and Jean-Marc. “As you can see Miss Doe denies the murders of one hundred and seventeen men, women and children.”
“I didn’t do it.” The Doctor shouted as she saw her two companions. “Haana, Jean-Marc…GET ME OUT OF HERE!” She shouted so loudly that the light bulbs in her room shattered.


Haana kissed the nurse, Amanda McMillan, while Jean-Marc sneaked into the room and crept over to the desk. She began to distract the medical woman with sensual body massage techniques picked up from a brief stint as a masseur in a female only sauna and massage centre. They had thrown her out when they caught her with one of the clients in a compromising position. However the client was very rich and insisted that the clinic wrote Haana a glowing reference or she would take her custom elsewhere. That had led, in part, to her getting the job as a swimming instructor. Pulling the woman closer to her, she mouthed hurry up to Jean-Marc.
Jean-Marc found the keys and quietly took them off the rack, adding them to the small collection of swipe cards. He crept back towards the door before seeing Haana putting in some extra-curricular distraction. Racing down the corridor he used the swipe cards to get through the locked doors until finally he got to the room where they were holding the Doctor. He unlocked it, went inside and undid the straps of the straightjacket.
“Thanks.” The Doctor said. “I never did like the 1978 version with the triple lock buckles. They did wonder how I got the others off. I didn’t mention to them that I’m a personal friend of Harry Houdini.”
“We have to get out of here.” Jean-Marc said quietly. “I’m not sure how much longer Haana can distract that nurse.”
Haana appeared at the door. “Not as long as I thought. I think I’m loosing my touch. I had to tie her up and gag her. We should leave now.”
“Haana, I’m glad to see you.” The Doctor went to hug her companion but Haana shied away. “What’s the matter?”
“Tell me you didn’t do it Doctor.” Haana asked. “I need to hear you say it. If you did then you can stay in here for the rest of your life.”
“I didn’t do it.” The Doctor said, looking straight into Haana’s eyes. “In Rassilon’s name I never laid one finger on any of them.”
“Show me.” Haana whispered close to tears.
The Doctor closed her eyes and concentrated. “Contact.” She said quietly.
“Contact.” Haana said after she had closed her eyes. For what seemed an eternity in only a few seconds Haana received her friend’s thoughts. “Oh my.” She said and fell to the floor, her knees giving way.
Jean-Marc helped Haana to stand. “What did you see?” He asked her.
“She didn’t do it.” Haana whimpered. “She let them lie all the same. She didn’t lift a finger to help them. Come on, we’re leaving Jean-Marc.” Haana pushed Jean-Marc out of the cell door before following him through it and locking the Doctor inside.
“Why are we doing this?” Jean-Marc demanded. “If she didn’t kill anyone, then why did you lock her in there?”
Haana looked at Jean-Marc, tears streaming down her face. “She could have prevented their deaths, she could have saved their lives. She stood there and watched them die, she condoned their deaths, she may as well have pulled the trigger and shot them herself.” Burying her face in Jean-Marc’s shoulder she sobbed her heart out.
“There, there, come on now.” Jean-Marc said finally. “You cannot blame yourself, you must not. The Doctor must have had her reasons for this, did you not sense them?”
“Just a cold emptiness.” Haana said, between sobs. “She didn’t feel anything for them at all.”
“It must have been terrible.” Jean-Marc comforted Haana. “To see all that and know that you cannot help.”
“It was.” Haana pulled a tissue out of her jeans pocket and dabbed at her eyes. “No one should have to see that.”
“What can we do now? We can’t let them keep her in that room forever.” Jean-Marc scratched the back of his head. “We should let these UNIT people take a look at her. Maybe they can help.”
“They can’t help. No one on Earth can. Come on, we need to go back to the TARDIS and call for help.” Haana led Jean-Marc back along the corridor towards the exit. They passed the tied up nurse and Haana blew her a kiss. Finally they stepped out into the cold night air and walked over the grass towards the TARDIS. “Just let me do the talking ok?”
“Sure.” I’ll just stand there and look all pathetic and vulnerable.
“Now you’re catching on.” Haana laughed as she unlocked the TARDIS doors and they stepped inside. A few twists and turns of the communication dials and seconds later they were looking at an image of the Seal of Rassilon. “This is Lady Haana.” Haana gave her full Gallifreyan name. She only used her human name as an alias these days or as a contraction of her full name. “I need to speak to Lord Castellan, priority one. Code phrase ‘Haana is gay.’ It’s about the Doctor.”
There was a pause before Andred’s face filled the screen. “Lady Haana, what can I do for you?”
Haana explained everything to Andred, including her own actions in attempting to free the Doctor. “This is way too big for the two of us to handle.”
“I see.” Andred said finally. “Stand by. I will request an audience with the President and will get back to you, Andred out.”
“Now we wait.” Haana said to Jean-Marc. “Fancy a cup of tea?”
“Not really.” The French youth stated flatly.
“No, me neither.” Haana agreed. “I just want the Doctor back and for none of this to have happened.”


Andred knocked once on President Romana’s office door and waited for her order to enter. This done he found her engaged in feeding a strange creature inside a bowl of water.
“Ah Andred, do you like Flipper? She’s my new pet goldfish.” Romana pointed to the fish. “I was thinking of maybe putting a little Dark Tower inside so she can swim round it a few times if she gets bored.”
“Madam President.” Andred began. “We’ve just had a disturbing report from Lady Haana.”
“Has she still not got the hang of operating the controls?” Romana joked.
“No, apparently the Doctor has been put in some sort of mental institution. They believe that she killed a lot of people in cold blood.”
“Oh no.” Romana sighed. “Is she ok?”
“Apparently she’s fine. Haana and Jean-Marc, a new travelling companion of the Doctors, are standing by for further instructions from us. They have secured the Doctor and they’re waiting nearby in her TARDIS.”
Romana jumped to her feet before sitting back down again. “Just had a dizzy turn there.” She said before standing up again. “I’m taking personal charge of the situation. To my TARDIS Andred.” Romana walked over to a gold bust of former Lord President Borusa, tipped the head back on a secret hinge to reveal a large red button. She pressed the button and a wall panel slid back to reveal Romana’s private lift. “I just had it installed last week, I think it adds a certain charm don’t you?”
“Why not use a Transmat pad?” Andred asked.
“Because that would ruin the whole thing silly.” Romana explained. “Haven’t you seen Earth TV at all? I’m Barbara Gordon and you’re Captain O’Hara.”


Haana paced around the arboretum. It was a room she rarely visited since the vegetation had tried to kill her that time Claire made her a surprise picnic. She found that she didn’t think about her as much as she used to. Maybe it’s a good thing? She tried convincing herself but their love for each other was stronger than anything and she knew that a piece of her heart would be forever part of Claire. She spotted the Vervoid skulking about and called it over. “At least you don’t have to worry about much. All you have to worry is the weather.”
“That’s not true. There are many things to consider. Moisture content of my leaves, fertilizer, greenfly, whether my fruit will ripen on time. There are many things to consider.” The Vervoid looked at Haana. “All you have to worry about is the next cup of tea and your make up.”
“What’s wrong with my make up?” Haana asked defensively.
“Not enough green.” The Vervoid joked before going off to find a nice place to set down its roots for the night.


Jean-Marc looked up as the two strangers walked into the TARDIS. “Who are you?” He asked them in his best Vorlon voice.
“I’m Romana and this is Andred.” Romana extended her hand, which Jean-Marc took as a signal to give her five.
Haana rushed in. “I’m sorry, I was in the arboretum. It took me ages to get all the way back here in time to meet you.” Haana explained as she gasped for breath.
“That’s fine Lady Haana.” Romana quickly put formalities aside and got down to business. “Where’s our patient at?”


Andred looked at the tied up nurse. “Is this your handiwork?” He asked Haana. “Did you have to use her own undergarment as make shift bonds?”
“I had to take them off anyway to distract her.” Haana explained. “It seemed only fair to let her have them back.”
“Yes, well let’s not dawdle.” Romana swept down the corridor towards the Doctor’s cell.


The Doctor rushed over to Romana when she opened the door. “Thank Rassilon you’re here. A moment longer and I thought I’d be stuck in this room forever.” Feeling something pointed in her stomach she looked down to see that Romana was holding a staser on her. “Oh Romana, not you as well? How can anyone possibly believe that I’m a mass murderer? It just isn’t in my nature to even glance sternly anyone unless they really, really tick me off.”

“You passed the evidence on to your companion yourself. You convicted yourself with your own deeds.”
“Oh that?” The Doctor said with realisation. “They were second hand when I got them. No you see the real murderers are Nurse McMillan and The Valeyard.”
“The Valeyard?” Everyone asked together.
“That’s right.” The Valeyard stated. “Do you like the new body by the way? I never did like the one I got from Thalia.”
Romana looked at the distinguished figure of the Valeyard for a few seconds. “But you’re him!”
“That’s right. Young Haana isn’t the only one of us who have had film careers on the side.” The Valeyard’s Germanic accent filled the air until the Doctor’s fist shut him up.
“The Mountain Mauler of Montana was not as dedicated a student as that rather nice chap Lennox Lewis you know. Nice muscle tone and for some reason I seem to like his strong arms in this persona.” The Doctor looked down at the incapacitated figure of her evil self. “Book him Andred.”
“I wanted to say that.” Romana cried, jumping up and down. “No wait a minute I’m supposed to be Batgirl for the purposes of this undercover operation.”
“I like a girl in black rubber.” Haana commented to Jean-Marc.
“What about the one you’ve got tied up at the moment?” He reminded his American friend.
“Oh yes. Keep them distracted for a couple of hours, there’s a good chap.” She paused for a second. “No wait she’s already tied up make it half an hour.”
“Haana.” The Doctor looked at her companion. “Remember that talk we had about abstinence?”
“Spoil sport.” Haana sulked. “Can’t I have time off for good behaviour?”
“Certainly not, you stay here while Andred unties that poor girl and arrests her for murder.” The Doctor looked down as the Valeyard regained consciousness. A swift kick later and he was incapable of doing anything at all.


Haana poured the Doctor an extra large cup of tea. “You don’t hate me for being careful do you?” She asked tactfully
“Of course not Haana. You did everything by the book. It was annoying being in that cell though, knowing that he was next door watching me and there was nothing I could do about it.” The Doctor polished off her tea and waited as her companion refilled it. “I hear there’s a reward for his capture…”
“That’s right.” Haana smiled. “They’ve extended my sandwich year for another year. Isn’t that great?”
“Of course, although you’ve really had thirty years away from your studies haven’t you?” The Doctor mused. “That film career and your relationship with Peri.”
Haana put the teapot down and slumped into a chair. “Oh don’t mention relationships to me again. I’m sick of them, I don’t think I’ll make love to another woman ever again.”
“I’m glad you’ve seen sense, after all what can you get from a woman that you can’t get from a nice cup of milky tea?”
Haana started to cry. “Love, respect, cash, jewellery, sex, clothes, a car, someone to go on those marches with and most of all a bar of chocolate and a cuddle when it’s that time of the month.”
“I see.” The Doctor said. “A bar of chocolate is all you’re going to get out of me missy.”
Haana broke out into a huge grin. “You’re my best friend Doctor.”
“What about me?” Jean-Marc asked, standing in the doorway.
Haana looked up at him and smiled at him too. “You’re my second best friend, even if you are a boy.”
Jean-Marc walked over and poured Haana and himself a cuppa. “To friendship.” He toasted just before the cloister bell began to sound...