These are not crazy stunts like scaling the World Trade Center or making the Statue of Liberty disappear. I'm just talking about little antics that make life worth living.

s e x

Lee Press-On Nail: This hypothetical scenario was created some years ago to gauge men's moral fiber. Well, not really. It just sounded like the makings of good prank and I was curious what the typical reaction would be. The question went something like this, "What would you think if you woke up one morning with absolutely no recollection of the previous night and you had lipstick on your dick and a hot pink Lee Press-On Nail in your pubic hair?" Some variations included the added, "and your ass really hurts." 99% of females think this would be disturbing. About 98% of males have replied something along the lines of, "I'd guess that I had a good night." I don't know if this is because men don't get the creepy, tackiness of a hot pink fake nail and women do, or if the guys just don't care because they think they got some pussy. This prank has yet to be carried out, as it seems like a futile pursuit. I mean, if a guy is going to get excited rather than freaked out, then why bother.

Tooth Job: I don't remember how this started, but it seemed like something funny to do to someone that for whatever reason you would be involved in a sexual encounter with, but that you didn't plan on seeing again any time soon. You get this guy home and you're getting jiggy (I'm not sure what that means exactly, but it sounds appropriate) and in this really casual way mention, "You know, I just love giving blow jobs." Their attention is peaked. Then, "Really. It's my favorite thing. I can never give enough head. Don't you love having your dick sucked?" Unless they are retarded (and believe me, they exist, but let's not concern ourselves with those sissies at the moment) they will emphatically say yes. You get to work (this is the tough part, assuming that this is not someone you're terribly fond of, but don't worry, their dick won't be in your mouth for long). Gingerly slip their penis into your mouth, engulf their member, but do not allow your lips to touch any inch of their flesh--this is a job for the teeth. Clamp down and start bobbing away like nobody's business, your choppers scraping up and down the entire length of the shaft. Unless is he is a masochistic freak or too polite (but as I've stated, a sissy wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place) to stop you, he will jump up or curtail the ordeal in some fashion. Act surprised. Innocently say, "Don't you like blow jobs? I thought you said you liked them. If you are uncomfortable with oral sex, you should've said so." Tell him how much all your past boyfriends loved your fellatio, that you've never had a complaint, and then accuse him of being gay. This would probably bring an end to the evening, but then, who's to say? I've always kept my eyes out for the perfect candidate, but so far I've never had the nerve to carry this idea out. I know a cynic who says, "What's the big deal? Aren't 'tooth jobs' what girls give anyway?" This is from a sissy so it's obvious he has no idea what he's talking about.

u r i n e

Yankee Pot Roast: This was mentioned some time, somewhere else so I'll keep it brief. But in '94 the brilliant idea of peeing in Depends adult undergarments was posed to me. I took the bait and ended up at this nuts restaurant off some forlorn highway. It was the Yankee Pot Roast. The pissing yourself stunt was really hard to pull off and we drank water and coffee til our bladders almost burst, but in the end it all worked out. It wasn't until July of '99 that the mood struck again and I peed my birthday pants New York style. Now if I could only conquer pooping my drawers...

Rice Pilaf: I couldn't stand a good many of my co-workers at my previous library job. I wasn't alone in this feeling. There were a handful of other mean-spirited types who would plot and menace along with me. We got a wonderful idea for my going away party. What if we staged a potluck in the break room (library workers are notorious pigs and would jump at the chance of free food) and I made a special dish, "rice pee-laf." I'd been speculating some months earlier with my friend Jessica on what an amazing revenge thing that would be. Making rice with urine instead of water. We were considering doing it. Now, I can't even remember who our intended victim was to be. Anger is funny that way. But we got elaborate with the scheme, how we'd disguise the potential odor with spices, toss in some raisins and nuts for an exotic appeal, and saffron for a lovely yellow hue. The rice pee-laf would be irresistible. Sadly, the rice pee-laf never made it past the dream stage. I don't know if I got a conscience or what. If I'm correct, it was more of a problem of all of my pots and pans being packed by the time the party was to take place and being too busy to torture the undeserving. I'm sure there are folks in this world much more in need of a such a nourishing dish. Wow, I just found the perfect recipe for this prank. Whether or not you choose to add the secret ingredient is up to you.

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