Many many eons ago, Lars was born. Back then of course, he was no lemur. He was a mighty dino. But, because of his immoral behavior of looking at dino porn, he was reincarnated as the snot in a worm's nose. However, he learned from past failures, and he was the best darn snot in the world. (He was yellow, with a brown speck) He was sneezed out when he was 7, and was swallowed by a bear. In the mouth of the bear, he contemplated his death: "O cruel fates," he pondered, "why must you play so hardly on this heart of snot." The bear ate him up. Luckily, due to eating a bad fish, he was puked back up. But it was too late for Lars. He had ingested 5 grams of stomach acid and had shriveled up. Finally, we come to Lars the lemur. Because of his excellent behavior as a snot, he became a human. Unfortunately, he was born into a hostile environment. His mother was a drug whore, and his father was a part time biker/freak show. With no steady family, Lars found refuge in crack. Oh blessed crack. It played silly tricks on Lars, and made him do cool stuff, like moon a cop and then pee in the squad car. Lars' addiction landed him in jail. From his cell, he ran an underground pimp agency called Pimps R Us. He became very wealthy and his pimps broke him out of jail. He moved to his resort in New Jersey where all the businessmen are, and became the greatest pimp the world has ever known. He had over 700,000 hos. He died at the age of 6 of an overdose. Because of his excellent behavior as a human, Lars became the highest life form, a lemur.
So, where was i, ahh yes, Lars the lemur. Lars was a very very special lemur
becuase of the fact that he couldn't eat any food without puking. He was very
proud of his ability, and if you'd make fun of it he'd puke on you.
He often stayed up long nights wondering what puke tasted like, but he knew
he couldn't eat it, because it was often brown and chunky and looked like poo.
One day, however, lars was puking and his curiousity overcame him. He
camouflaged himself in leaves and twigs and moss, and breakfast cereals and
fruitbats and went to stalk the elusive puke. He carried an assualt rifle
that shot tankshells, just in case. He had tracked the puke by the brown trail it left
through the forest. When he saw it's lair he stalked closer and closer until
he could hear it snarling. He pounced into the mouth of the cave and fired
57.5 tank shells. "DIE YOU PUKE BASTARD!!" he shrieked in a primal rage, "YOU
SHALL RETURN TO THE DEPTHS OF MY GIZZARD!! NEVER TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY
AGAIN!!"
He got ahold of himself and went to investigate his handywork. To his
suprise, the puke was unharmed!! It just sat there as if to mock him. He
cursed at it and insulted it's momma. (which technically was himself) After
realizing his mistake he felt very low self esteem and wanted to hurt
something, so he kicked the puke. It flew across the cave and hit the wall.
"Ow you son of a poo!" it said, "hath ye no decency?? You rogue, dare ye
oppress thy own puke upon it's death bed? For sayeth the ancestors: Thou shant
harm your puke apon it's death bed. It just ain't right. Heed these warnings. For
lo! Accursed is thist creature who heedeth not the warnings of the past.
Praytell: Whereth thou wander, and what is thy business in this place?"
"wa?"
"It matters not. For lo! My fate is near. But know this: the ancestors say
that the one of many pukes must someday rule the ancient kingdom, but first
must learn thoust ancient tongue."
The puke gasped and died.
Lars ate it up.
He went back home wondering why he cared what puke tasted like. (by the way,
it tasted like chicken)
Thus ends part deux.
After the puke fiasco, Lars needed some good ol' fashioned slumber. He hopped
into his bed and shut his eyes.
"Harken ye young Lars! Awake ye from thy slumber and face thy oppressed puke
from beyond the grave!"
---Authors note: I can think of nothing else to say on this subject. if you
don't like it i have one thing to say to you: BITE ME!
---Author's Attorneys note: Please do not sue my client for not completing his
story, he is mentally disturbed and will plead insanity.