you probably live in a cartoon. you probably live in a box of matches in that same cartoon. you don't have any calendars, because nobody ever draws calendars. you have a flying cheese grater, with room enough for seven more of you. you sleep on the long arm of the clock and at midnight you get a headrush. you have a special stapler to keep your waffles together. the grasshoppers can have beards and the snapdragons can have pipes. you are pretty frugal. your wallet is full of cartoon bucks. still, you are glad you aren't a real person.
real people pay $1.50 in ATM fees every time they withdraw from a foreign bank. real people can't even buy someone to play the harp and tuck you into bed. they won't even try to buy. you know you don't want to be human. twenty dollars in gas a week. sheesh. oh, oh, and a hundred for software that'll do your taxes. you resolve to never leave cartoons. you go to a restaurant that's run by talking/flying beavers and you resolve to stay. you have a water. the beavers are turning the hamburgers with their tails. you want to yell something about how tails are not spatulas. in the back of your mind, you know, you have always known that soccer riot is fifteen dollars for a year and that every once in a while they will have a maze. you like mazes. you like mazes. you like mazes.

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Please note that printing will resume in July so that we can devote time to development of the web service. Our first 1,000 subscribers will be receiving a free copy of The Child Who Was a Keyhole, our inauguration issue.