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Dec 27, 98 Well I guess this is where I tell you about me. Well, i'm a 19yo college student(even though I screwed up this last semester),from California. I work at a videostore Blockbusters AKA Block*uckers hehe j/k.I make a whopping $5.95 an hr, I guess I really can't complain, it's not like my job is really hard, it's not always easy but it's definitely not difficult.The people I work with are a bunch of characters. They crack me up constantly. Sometimes we get little out of hand :) If the big boss' ever heard us talking, we'd all be fired for sexual harassment. But my co-workers are really great people!! Hmm lets see, what else? Oh well i've lived in the same city in Calif my whole life, so I say it's about time for a change, right? So i'm going to give Iowa a try! I have a special someone out there (he's a sweetheart)! But, lately i've been having major doubts about if i'll actually be able to make Iowa my home. I say i'm sick of California but really there's no place like it in the world!! It's great, the weather, the people, the history, everything,the beaches ohhh man sometimes I feel so lucky to have been able to live here! I do love it here I just have always felt compelled to leave. So i'm going to give it a try, I just hope no one gets hurtif I don't like it in Iowa, u know? Sometimes it's hard to leave the world you've always known and go into someone else's little world. I mean my friends, my family, mycar, my job, my history is here in California. I'll be going into his life, his history! Will I fit in? I doubt it? I'm just so confused, half the time i'm soooooo excited to be going but then I start to think of everything i'll miss. I start to think what if Jay and I weren't meant to be, is all this for nothing? I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it sometimes. I hate to think like that though but I am a pessimist, always have been. I hate to say that i'm young, and unexperienced, imature and confused. But, that's exactly what I am. I tend to analyze things till they barely excist's. I talk myself out of things sometimes but I can also talk myself into things I normally wouldn't consider. My mom is great and she is so proud of me for getting out there and exploring, she never got to do that. My dad hates the idea but oh well as if I care what he thinks, he's to depressing sometimes I just have to tune him out, butI do love him with all my heart. He just annoys me sometimes hehe. My sister likes that I am going maybe cause she thought she was going to get my car HAHA *NOT HAPPENING*. My brothers both think it's really cool. One actually cares the other one couldn't care less. I can't believe it i'm leaving DEC 28 it's driving my nuts, I feel so torn. I feel bad about the thoughts I have about coming back to California. Jay is just so sure everything will work, I don't know how he can be so secure but i'm glad he is. He really is a great guy. It's times like thisI wish I actually could believe in God, I could ask him, u know? I just have a hard time believing in someone you can't see or hear or even know if all the tales are true. I mean how do u really know the bible is true, it could just be something someone made up, it is far fetched enough! But people who can believe in God and have all this faith in this being they can't see are totally amazing to me.I wish I had the strength to do that. It's like this security knowing you can turn to God. I try to convince myself he is real but I analyze it and then I start to think how the hell is that possible hehe. I've always said "I don't believe anything I hear and only half of what I see". But I read this poem "Footprints" it's beautiful. It makes me think if there is this being that can help you through life and the tough times, why not believe what could it hurt, right? But it's sooo hard to believe some of this stuff. I was baptized and everything. I still attend church when my mom wants me to go, it makes her happy. You know I don't have total faith in God but sometimes I catch myself praying during hard times, but I feel wrong cause u shouldn't only believe in God when it's convient for you and need his help you should give him all your faith all the time, that's why I try not to pray. Man, I hope i'll have that faith someday, it's amazing. I mean people give there lives to God and live for him a being they've never seen. Wow it's so amazing yet so wierd. Ok as you can see I tend to ramble on esspecially when it's 3AM and I can't sleep hehe. I know that what I say on this page won't have a effect on someones life or if anyone will actually read it, but it feels good to type this stuff and read what you typed *I guess* hehe. Sometimes I wish life was simple but, then I think, what kind of a life would that be? Well take care!
August 24, 1999 Well my life hasn't changed to much, other than the fact that i'm not working at both jobs anymore. But, that's ok it was making me toooo tired. Oh i'm sick with toncilitis once again (I can't spell it)! It makes me so tired. I'm still with my boyfriend Adam. We are still madly in love even though we fight alot. I really hate fighting with him, but I don't want him to leave and I don't want to leave either. It's really strange I have never been with someone that didn't start to annoy me. He doesn't really annoy me but he does need to change. I know, I know people don't change. But, it's more like he needs to grow up. I mean he's 25yo and changes jobs like his underwear hehe. If he can actually find a good job and keep it, I would definitly marry him. But not if he can't stick with a job for more than a week. So hopefully we will work through our problems and have a wonderful life together, I think that would be awsome, but who knows. U know the wierd thing is that we have only been together for 3 months... I promise i'll have something better to say next time I update which should be soon.
May 07, 99 Ok this is a new idea I had (the form). I thought it would be kewl, I mean it saves space,it can be deleted and reset and I haven't seen any pages with this. See so that sounds like a good idea, huh? I don't know why I have a web page and I have no idea what I should say on it, I doubt anyone actually reads it or anything so i'll just ramble on. I guess this can be my shrink *hehe*! Hmmm well, my life is kinda turned upsidedown since I moved back from Iowa. I have no job, no money, nothing to do. I mean it was great traveling & seeing new stuff and maybe even finding something out about myself and others. I hate working but it's even worse not working, it really sucks.I feel so useless and so lazy,but I want to find a good job so I wait and only apply to respectible places that I would be proud to work for Well I guess they didn't want me cause i've been looking since early March and haven't found a thing. Wait wait now, I did get a call back for a job that will make it easy for me to still go to school. And if I stayed there long enough I could have free rent *whoohoo*! I think I analyze things to much,I will keep dwelling on something and decide I shouldn't do it, but I go ahead and do it anyways. Smartone, huh? I mean before I go on an interview I will kinda map it out in my head and if i'm really nervous i'll actually write down what I should say, what I will say and what I shouldn't say. I mean I go to the extreme,is that wierd? I kinda think it is, but it gets me through the day so I guess I should just deal with the fact that i'm different. Maybe i'm not as different as I think I am. But who really knows. See there I go again *haha*. Don't get me started I won't shut up. I hope to god that I end up ok, I hope I make it. I hope I have some money,someone to love,maybe kids *that's a big maybe*,and I hope that I have a great job that I love & that I actually enjoy and can't wait to get there. I guess i'm asking for alittle much, huh? Well I don't know if I will end up like that, maybe I will end up better maybe with a life I could never possibly imagine, maybe i'll die in some heroic act*probobly not*. Ok well i'll shut up now I should probobly go to bed. Ya'll come back now ya here! P.S. If you want to be a nice person you could sign my guestbook. I'd greatly appriciate it! ALL SPELLING AND GRAMMER MISTAKES ARE ON PURPOSE IT ADDS TO THE CHARM *hehe*!
Jan 1, 2000 Well it's about time I updated again. Um alot of things have changed in my life just over the past couple of months. My boyfriend of 7 months and I finally broke up. I don't know how we stayed together for that long, considering how much we fight. I love the guy but obviously we were not meant to be together, + I think we are both better now. I mean I am going back to school and working full time and now he is going to move back east to live with his aunt. I mean we were broken up and we still got in a fight, now that's pretty bad. I think i'm going to be single for awhile, I haven't been single in a long time. I think it's about time I start focusing on my self which is something I should have done along time ago. I need to finish school so I don't have to be a cashier for the rest of my life, I hate working with custmer they piss me off, they ask stupid ?'s and take forever to do the most simplist thing. I mean how long does it really take to put ur money away, it shouldn't take an hour. Oh well I guess I just wasn't made for retail. I want a job where i'm not one of a million employee's and ur boss can barely tell the difference between u and his own ass. I wish that when I said something somebody actually listened. I will probobly never find the perfect job, but maybe I can find a job a whole lot better than this one. One where I can actually afford a new car and be able to move, I just want to make like 9 or 10 bucks an hour but that is like impossible at where I work u have to be there for 10 ys be4 u make anywhere near that much. Oh well i guess i'll stop complaining and get some sleep. So to anyone that actually reads this HAPPY NEW YEAR!! P.S. If you want to be a nice person you could sign my guestbook. I'd greatly appriciate it! ALL SPELLING AND GRAMMER MISTAKES ARE ON PURPOSE IT ADDS TO THE CHARM *hehe*!!
Jan 27, 2001 Well it has been along long time since I updated my page, I hope I make somewhat of an improvment. Well I guess i'll start telling u the soap oprah that is my life, this is a little something I had written to myself: I am only 21yo and I have already found out that when everyone says your to young to know what love is, their right! I don't know if I stay in doomed relationships because I don't want to be alone or because I think I won't find anyone else. I know i'm not perfect but there has to be people in this world that are attracked to me, I mean i'm not ugly or anything. I don't know if I stay with Rich because I love him or because i'm scared to be alone. I put up with so much shit from him. Not to mention the fact that he's 38yo and i'm 21yo, he's an alcholic, a pothead and is set in his ways. He's not a bad person and he means good. But,I can't deal with the alcholism. I might not know if i'm in love with him but I know that I have love for him and no matter what happens to us he will always have a place in my heart. It's just when he drinks he turns into a whole other person, he's loud, abnoctious, rude, you can't talk to him and, there has been a few times when he has gotten so drunk that when I looked in his eyes I didn't recognize him they are just full of anger and emptyness. He has scared me a couple of times when he was drunk. He has gotten violent not towards me but who knows if one of these times he will snap and go off on me. After saying all this I have just one questions, Why can't I end the relationship? I guess that is my fault, my downfall in life. I will try to update more often!!