TITLE: The Grand Finale

AUTHOR: Tabula "I can't believe I'm posting this" Rasa

RATING: PG-13, at most.  Bad words. And Bill.

CATEGORY: H (I hope), implied MSR.

SPOILERS: Actually, a lot, but nothing specific.  General knowlege of what the show is about in general.

FEEDBACK: I always like to hear from those as warped as I:  tabulaxrasa@yahoo.com

DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, it's yours.  Just tell me, so I can get all excited.

DISCLAIMER: Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

SUMMARY: Um... Mulder and Scully’s big exit?

NOTES: Let this serve as a warning to you all: this is what happens when you read too much fanfic!  Don't yell at me about characterization:  It's humour/ humor!  Oh, and it was written before the end of Season Seven so, whatever.  Maybe it's AU now.

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Bill Scully, Jr., was muttering to himself as he escorted his mother and Tara, carrying Matthew, down the hall to Dana's apartment.  He wondered what the hell she was up to, calling them all here.  No explanation, just go to her apartment at 3 pm sharp.  "Who the hell does she think she is," he grumbled.

And who the hell were all these people?

Her apartment was packed--with men.  Okay, there were two women there, but, really.  And where the hell was that bastard partner of hers anyway-- this smelled like a Fox a mile away.   Who *were* all these people?

Okay, he thought he recognized the bald guy--Dana's boss or something.  A military man, definitely, although he had a suspiciously Marine-ish look to him.  Still better then her asshole partner.  Yes, Bill thought, he would rather see Dana with a Marine then Fox Mulder.  This was a large concession on his part.

A black guy, another paper pusher no doubt, but he did have such a disgusted look on his face he couldn't be half bad.

The girls looked okay--the one with red hair kind of reminded him of Dana, actually.  The small one with brown hair looked nervous, like a little girl.

Bill didn't at all like the look of anyone else in the room.  The three guys huddled together?  He didn't like any of them, although one of the guys looked okay--at least he had a decent suit on.  The blond one, though, a fucking hippie.  And Bill just didn't like the vibes coming off the short one.  Who the hell wears fingerless gloves?

That other guy, kind of fat with glasses, and bald with dark hair, like that weird little troll but in a suit.  Looked like another subversive element.

The old guy standing by the window was just creepy, and that guy hanging around him keeping his arm at his side looked like a fucking fag to Bill.

Jesus Christ, why couldn't Dana know anyone normal?

Krycek took one look at Bill and slunk into a dark corner.

Everyone seemed to be glaring at every one else, too.  This sort of thing Bill was comfortable with, so he glared at everyone who easily fell into his line of sight.

Dana's bedroom door suddenly opened and none other than that son of a bitch Mulder poked his head out.  He looked around, nodded his approval, and pulled his head back inside and shut the door.

Bill saw red.  What the fuck was doing in her *bed*room, for Chrissake!  He promptly regretted ever referring to him as "fucking" in any way.

There were a few more minutes of shuffling, whispering, and glaring until the door opened again.  This time Dana came out, and Mulder followed.  They stood in front of everyone like they were holding court.

They were both dressed in jeans and T-shirts, which startled the hell out of several people who had only seen them in suits.  None the less, they stood in front of the restless audience with their hands clasped behind their backs, looking serene, happy, and completely in control.  For once.

"Thank you all for coming" Scully began smoothly, even including a nice smile, which caused several near-faints around the room.  "It's nice that you all haven't killed each other yet.  Blood is hell to get off wood floors."

"What's this about, Agents?" Kersch interrupted impatiently.  This earned him a roomful of scowls, and Mulder and Scully frowned disapprovingly.  But only slightly.

"Now, now" Mulder said, as if chastising a child.  "We were just getting to that." He took a breath and exchanged a look with Scully.  "We're leaving."

"What?" said Skinner, before anyone else.  "You mean on vacation?"

"No," Scully said, her voice a bit colder at the incompetence displayed before her.  "We are Leaving.  Quitting.  Forever."

Mulder and Scully seemed quite content to wait out the hubbub.

"You can't do that" CGB Spender said, his eyes flashing, fumbling for a cigarette.

"You can't be serious" Skinner said, his voice hard.

"What the hell is going *on*" cried Langley or Byers or Carl.

"Oh, of course" Frohike muttered.

"What's this all about?" Kersch demanded.

"Really?" Holly gasped.

"Dude!" Langley said.

"What are you trying to pull!" Bill shouted.

Kim raised an eyebrow and murmured "Good for you."  She stood to make quite a killing in the office pool.

Krycek, who thought this was quite possibly the most amusing thing he had ever seen (since he didn't believe them for a second), snickered.

"Dana?" her mother asked, confused.

Tara, who was more confused, had wide eyes but said nothing.

Only Matthew and Mulder and Scully seemed unaffected.

"Don't you dare smoke in here" Scully warned Spender.

"We're leaving" Mulder said nonchalantly when he could be heard, "and we're not coming back." Everyone else was actually silent while they thought about this.

"Why?" Spender asked finally.

Scully and Mulder both shot him a look which clearly said "I can't believe you have the balls to ask that, you black-lunged son of a bitch.  And don't you dare smoke in here."

Their faces then resumed their contented masks and Scully shrugged.  "We're tired of this.  And quite frankly, we're a bit bored with the whole thing."

"You're--what?" Krycek squeaked.

"You know," Mulder continued.  "Bored.  Bees, clones, oil, aliens, viruses--it's getting a bit old.  I mean, we've been at this a long time.  We've discussed this a lot," he and Scully exchanged a glance and nodded in unison, "and Scully and I feel that we've uncovered as much of the truth as we care to.  And..." he paused dramatically and scanned the room before another reassuring glance at Scully, "and we just want some 'us' time now."  Scully nodded in agreement.

That brought another uproar.  In a quiet, shocked kind of way.  Except for Bill.

"You want some *what*?" he exploded.

"Bill" Scully said sharply, sounding bored and disgusted with this theme of conversation, "I'm an adult.  Get over it."

"But...what will you *do*?" Spender finally managed to choke out.  He couldn't possibly let Fox and Dana out of his sight.  They were so...unprotected.  Naive, really. They were so involved in his little shadow world that they had no clue about how harsh the real world actually was.  And now they were just planning to up and leave?  They couldn't do that.  Why, Fox hadn't correctly filed one tax return his entire life...who the hell did they think they were?

"Oh, you know" Mulder said lightly in response.  "Whatever.  I think we'll manage to keep ourselves entertained." He leered.

Frohike started to sniff loudly.

Skinner felt ill.

Krycek felt ill.

Spender felt smug, which he let show, and a little ill, which he didn't.

Byers was mad as hell--Now, why didn't I think of that, he thought.

Maggie blushed.

It took Bill, who was not so fluent in Mulder leers, or his preferred method of entertainment, a moment to figure it out, but when he did, he went blind and couldn't move with fury, which was lucky for Mulder, and, it seemed, for Scully.

"Well," Kim said efficiently, "good for you."  She had plenty of things in the office to distract her from the loss of Agent Mulder, after all.

"Yes," Holly said, brightening, "that sounds nice."

Scully wondered with some regret why she had so few female friends when they were obviously the only sensible ones in the room.

Carl was wondering why he hadn't joined the FBI and gotten a kick ass partner like Agent Scully.  And then he remembered about Pendrell.

"I do own four houses in high-rent areas" Mulder pointed out.  "I'm not exactly destitute."

"Where will you go?" Krycek asked sulkily.  This wasn't fair.  First Marita, and now Mulder?

Mulder and Scully looked at him like a rat they found in the trash.  "Like we're going to tell any of *you*" Mulder said, disgusted and haughty.

Scully remembered that it usually wasn't wise to let Mulder talk this much, and stepped forward from where she had been hanging back.  "Now" she snapped, "there's a reason we're informing all of you of our decision, and it *isn’t* common courtesy, since you've haven't exactly extended that to us."

Frohike would have liked to beg differently, but decided he would rather live.

Scully continued.  "We want to be left alone.  No phone taps, no late night visits or calls--of any kind" she shot a threatening look at CGB.  "And no shooting at us, drugging our water, mysterious errands, kidnapping us, messing with our memories, running us off the road, missing time, siblings or children, black helicopters, bounty hunters, or clones!"

"And no bees!  We just want to be left alone" Mulder added.

"You leave us alone, we leave you alone" Scully finished.

"Wh-what about colonization?" Skinner stuttered, at about the same time Frohike asked "What about your work?" They didn't notice their apparent psychic connection, but later it would disturb both of them greatly.

"Well, we've thought about that" Mulder said, sounding bored, "and, the thing is...*we* are immune."

"And the rest of you can go to hell" Scully finished primly.  "Besides," and she glanced flirtatiously at Mulder before finishing coyly, "we would be the last two people left on earth."  Mulder leered with happiness and then they made eyes at each other and batted their eyelashes.

Everyone else felt ill again.  Kersch snorted in disgust.  Was he the only one in this room *not* in love with Mulder and/or Scully?

Skinner was getting desperate.  He didn't know which one of them he wanted more, but was sure he did want one of them.  At least...

"Dana," her mother said hesitantly, "are you sure you've thought this through?"

Scully sighed.  "Yes, mom.  I--we--have thought about this for quite a long time.  Really, there's nothing else we'd rather do."  She turned and surveyed the room carefully, her lips curling up in a pleased smirk, and raised an eyebrow elegantly.  "I guess you should have appreciated us when we were around."

"Save your own asses from the damn aliens!" Mulder added with great gusto, before they disappeared into Scully's room, keeping the door open.  No one moved until they reappeared lugging suitcases.

"Goodbye" Scully said airily, which started off another round.

Spender pulled out his cellphone, but, ultimately, couldn't make the call.

"Goodbye!" Holly waved cheerfully.

Bill shouted that he was going to get Mulder's ass for corrupting his baby sister.

Krycek muttered to himself in Russian about the unfairness of other people getting Mulder's ass.

Maggie started to cry.  Matthew started to cry.  Tara tried to comfort them both.

"Scully, wait!" Skinner called desperately.

Frohike, resigned, noticed Skinner's secretary.

"Get away from me, you creep" Kim said.

Byers was busy coming up with an escape plan of his own.  "Mulder!" he shouted.  He wanted to get some pointers; Suzanne might take some convincing.

Langley swore he was sticking to hacker friends and D&D buddies from now on.  "What's up?" he said to Carl.

Kersch rolled his eyes at all of them and tried to leave.

Putting their suitcases in the car, Mulder and Scully looked at each other and laughed.

End

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