Twin Beaks

... a mystery in need of solving

a Monsterpiece Theatre production
starring Cookie Monster (Frank Oz) as Alistair Cookie
with David and Laura Finch, The Log Bird, and a Muppet Waitress

parody of Twin Peaks

(Monsterpiece Theatre overture plays as we pan in on Cookie Monster seated in his chair wearing his lovely red smoking jacket.)

Cookie Monster: Oh hello, this Alistair Cookie here for Monsterpiece Theatre. Tonight another episode in mystery. About a monster trying to guess a town's secret. A town called ...

(Dramatic music da-dum)

Twin Beaks. Oh, excuse me.

(He runs off stage.)

(The scene is now a diner, centre screen a booth with a piece of pie on the red-checkered table-cloth.
Cookie enters and spies said pie. Twin Peaks music softly plays in background.)

Cookie Monster: Oh ho! Pie ... oh ho ...

(Speaks into hand-held tape recorder)

Diane, this Agent Cookie reporting. Me in town called Twin Beaks.

(Sits down looks around)

Darn fine town ...

(Devours pie)

Darn fine pie!

(Devours plate)

Darn fine plate too. Diane, there is one thing me no can find out. Why town called Twin Beaks?
Me begin asking questions. Asking questions best way to find out something.

(The waitress, a bird with orange feathers, appears with her back to us.)

Waitress: Anything else I can get you?

Cookie Monster: Oh ho, hello, yes! You can get me some answers.

Waitress: What was the question?

Cookie Monster: Me want to know why town is called Twin Beaks.

(Dramatic music as the waitress turns to face us.
Instead of one beak she has ... two beaks!
The effect is one of having split her beak down the middle.)

Waitress: Hey, I don't butt into your business do I? Stay out of mine!

(She walks quickly away)

Cookie Monster: That not darn fine answer!

(He sighs, gets out of the booth and walks toward the next table)

Me got to ask more people more questions. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey ...

(To the birds at the next table with their backs to us)

... Me Special Agent Cookie.

First Bird: I'm Finch ... David Finch.

Cookie Monster: David Finch, good, me like bird who know his own name.
Me have question. Why this town called Twin Beaks?

(Dramatic music as Cookie looks around for source.)
(David Finch gets up from the table still not facing us.)

David Finch: I'll see you later ...

(Turns to face us and we see his two beaks)

... Laura.

(Walks away. Second Bird gets up from the table, this would be Laura.)

Laura: Oh well, gotta fly.

Cookie Monster: Wait, wait, wait ... you no can give me teensy-tinesy hint?

Laura (softly into Cookie's ear): It's called Twin Beaks because ...

Voice of David Finch off-screen: Come on!

Laura: Gotta go!

Cookie Monster: Please, oh please, please, please ...

Laura: Ask the Log Bird.

Cookie Monster: The Log Bird?

David Finch: You coming or what?

Laura (turns to face camera): Yes. (she leaves)

Cookie Monster: This town gets stranger and stranger. Okay! Me look for Log Bird. Hmmm ...

(Cookie looks around, the camera pans to the door as the music builds.)
(The door opens and in walks a small yellowish bird carrying a log.)

Log Bird: Who's looking for me?

Cookie Monster: Oh, me, me, me, me.

(Pointing at each item as he says ...)

Log ... Bird ... oh ho ... Log Bird! Me look for you.

Log Bird: What's on your mind?

Cookie Monster: Me want to ask you one simple question. Why this town called Twin Beaks?

Log Bird: Let me ask.

Cookie Monster: No, no, no, no. Me asking questions that's how me find out things.

Log Bird: Let me ask my log. Do you know why this town is called Twin Beaks?

(The log is turned over and the log's face is uncovered.)

Log: How should I know? I'm a log!

Cookie Monster: Ho ha! A talking log!

(The Log Bird starts backing Cookie into the counter.)

Log Bird: That's right a talking log! A log that doesn't like to be laughed at!

(To log): Come on, let's get out of here.

Cookie Monster (as she leaves): Sorry!

(Cookie stands next to an eavedropping counter-bird wiping up as he says into his tape recorder ...)

Diane, me hurt a log's feelings today and me no closer to finding out why they call this place Twin Beaks.
But! Me did notice one thing *very* interesting about the birds in this town. They all have two beaks!

(Counter-bird looks up in shock and quickly leaves.)

Cookie Monster: But they no like to talk. Oh well.

(Spots pie on counter)

Time for more of this great pie!

(Picks up pie and leaves)

Let's go, Diane.

(Scene changes to the Monsterpiece Theatre set as Cookie rushes on and sits down.)

Cookie Monster: And that concludes Twin Beaks. Darn fine story ...

(Cocks head and poses)

... darn fine actor and ...

(Picks up pie from out of sightline and devours it)

... darn fine pie. This Alistair Cookie for Monsterpiece Theatre.

Painstakingly and lovingly transcribed by your webmistress Tiny Dancer, with help from Silvery Shoe