Bert's Locked Out
Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz) skit
[Scene: The closed front door of Bert and Ernie’s apartment, from the outside. Bert comes up to the door.]
Bert [singing La La La to himself]: La, la, la, la . . . lemon! La, la, la, la . . .
[Tries the door.]
Oh, the door’s locked.
[Knocks]
Hey, Ernie? Ernie, I’m home!
[No response.]
That’s funny. I know Ernie’s home. And he always answers the door when I knock.
[Worried]
Maybe ... maybe something’s wrong. Maybe Ernie’s sick ... or hurt!
[Loudly]
Hey, Ernie, don’t worry! I’ll help you!
[The door opens a crack, and Ernie looks out.]
Ernie: Hi, Bert.
Bert: Hi, Ernie. Is everything okay?
Ernie: Oh, I’m fine, Bert. Would you mind waiting outside for just a minute? Thank you!
[Before Bert can answer, Ernie closes the door.]
Bert: Hmmm. Well, maybe Ernie just wants to be alone. Yeah, sometimes people want to be alone.
[He starts to get worried again.]
Maybe ... maybe Ernie’s feeling sad.
[Tears come into Bert’s eyes, and he starts to sniff.]
Maybe he doesn’t want me to know about it!
[Loudly]
Hey, Ernie, don’t feel sad! I understand!
[The door opens a crack, and Ernie looks out again.]
Ernie: Oh, I feel fine, Bert. Would you mind waiting outside for just one more minute? Thank you!
[As Bert starts to speak, the door closes again.]
Bert [puzzled]: He wasn’t sad after all. I wonder why ...
Wait a minute! I left the apartment . . . spotless! Clean as a whistle!
I’ll bet Ernie threw toys all around! Boy, that makes me mad! Oh, I’m angry! Oh, yeah!
After all that work I went to to clean up the apartment, Ernie threw toys all around!
[Yelling furiously]
Ernie! Open up this door! Do you hear me! I am mad!
Ernie [opening the door]: Okay, Bert, you can come in now.
[The scene changes to the living room as they enter.]
Bert [indignantly]: All right, you bet I can come in! Now, you clean up this mess right away, because ...
[Pauses in surprise as he looks around the perfectly tidy room.]
Ernie: What mess, Bert?
Bert:You didn’t mess this place up after all.
Ernie: No. Did you want me to mess the place up, Bert?
Bert [quickly]: No, no, I don’t mean that. It’s just that ... well ... why’d you have me wait outside all that time?
Ernie: Well, I just thought I’d do something for my ol’ buddy Bert.
Bert: Do something for me? Like what?
[A whole group of Muppets, including Grover, come out from hiding in the room.
They have party hats, noisemakers, confetti, etc.]
Grover: Surprise! Surprise!
Ernie: It’s a surprise party, Bert!
Bert: Oh, that makes me so happy!
Grover: Surprise! Surprise!
Transcribed by Silvery Shoe