Little Miss Muffet Production
Starring Little Miss Muffet (Frank Oz),
Lance, the director (Jim Henson),
The Narrator, and a Blue Anything Muppet as the spider and other creatures
(both played by Jerry Nelson)
Lance the director: [coming onto the stage] All right, places please for the Little Miss Muffet number. Little Miss Muffet, where are you?
Miss Muffet: [entering the stage] Yes, uh, Lance, I'm here.
Lance: Ok, come right in here, please. Where's the spider? Spider?
Blue Anything Muppet with no body parts: [entering the stage] I hope I'm not late.
Lance: Oh, no, you don't have your costume on.
Miss Muffet: Lance, he has no costume.
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Lance: Go get your spider costume on please.
Blue Anything Muppet: Sorry. [leaves the stage]
Lance: Ok. Are you ready, lady?
Miss Muffet: I think ... Lady? Yes. I'm Miss Muffet, Lance. You know me.
Lance: Ok. All right. Here we go! Is the music ready? Announcer! Music!
[leaves the stage as soft music begins]
Miss Muffet: Lance, is my tuffet here? Oh, yes, there it is. Right there. All right. [clears throat]
Announcer: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet ...
[Miss Muffet sits down on the tuffet; tuffet creaks]
Eating her curds and whey.
[Miss Muffet picks up a spoon and eats the curds and whey]
Along came a spider .... [louder] Along came a spider ...!
[Blue Anything Muppet comes into the scene wearing a rabbit costume]
Miss Muffet: Uh, wait. Hold it. Cut. Stop. [music stops] Stop.
Blue Anything Muppet: What?
Miss Muffet: Don't you understand?
Blue Anything Muppet: Huh?
Miss Muffet: That's not the spider outfit. That looks like the rabbit outfit.
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: Now, see, a spider does not have long ears like this, you see.
[removes the rabbit ears from the Blue Muppet's head]
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: And a spider does not have whiskers and a nose like this.
[removes the whiskers and nose]
And a spider does not have teeth. Go change into the spider outfit.
Blue Anything Muppet: Sorry. [leaves the stage]
Miss Muffet: Go ahead.
Lance: [coming onto the stage] All right. All right. All right. Sorry about that.
Miss Muffet: Lance, did you see that?
Lance: Yes. We'll make it all right. Don't worry about it, sweetheart.
Miss Muffet: Oh. All right.
Lance: Ok. Is everybody ready now?
Miss Muffet: Please.
Lance: Ok. The Little Miss Muffet number. Music! [leaves the stage as music begins again]
Miss Muffet: Mus ... I have to concentrate. Hmm.
Announcer: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffe ...
[Miss Muffet sits on the tuffet again; tuffet creaks]
Eating her curds and whey ...
[Miss Muffet picks up the spoon again]
Along came a spider .... Oh, no ...
[Blue muppet comes in again wearing a duck costume]
Miss Muffet: Uh-oh. Oh, wait. Wait. Hold it once more.
Blue Anything Muppet: Huh?
Miss Muffet: Now, just a moment.
Blue Anything Muppet: What?
Miss Muffet: That is not the spider outfit either.
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: That looks like the duck outfit.
Blue Anything Muppet: What?
Miss Muffet: See ... Yes. A duck ... a duck has a beak like this and a spider doesn't have a beak.
[removes the beak from the Blue Muppet's face]
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: And a duck has wings like this here.
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: But ... Oh ... That's not a spider outfit.
Blue Anything Muppet: Sorry. [leaves the stage]
Miss Muffet: Go get in your spider outfit. Lance, where are you?
Lance: [coming onto the stage] Here I am. Here I am, sweetheart.
Miss Muffet: Oh, what a day!
Lance: Don't worry. Don't worry. We'll, uh ... Do the whole thing from the top. All right?
Miss Muffet: I hope so. Please get it right.
Lance: Ok. Here we go. Little Miss Muffet. Music! [leaves the stage as music starts again]
Miss Muffet: I think there's something wrong with my tuffet, too.
Announcer: Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet ...
[Miss Muffet sits on the tuffet; tuffet creaks again]
Eating her curds and whey ...
[Miss Muffet picks up the spoon again]
Along came a spider, and s ....
[Announcer moans dissapointedly as the Blue Muppet comes into the scene again dressed like a fish]
Miss Muffet: Oh, no. This is it. This is the last straw. Stop everything!
Now, just a moment, you. Now listen. That is not the spider outfit either.
Blue Anything Muppet: Oh.
Miss Muffet: That is the fish outfit.
[removes all the fins]
You see, fish have ... have fins like ... like this here. You see. Like this.
[removes the tail on the back of the Blue Muppet's head]
And fish have ... have tails like this here. And spiders don't have fins or tails.
[removes the fish eyes]
And these are fish eyes, not spider eyes.
Blue Anything Muppet: Sorry.
Miss Muffet: Oh, I'll have to do this all myself.
[puts the spider eyes in place on the blue muppet's face]
Now, here's one spider eye like that.
Blue Anything Muppet: Yeah.
Miss Muffet: And here's another spider eye like that. All right?
Blue Anything Muppet: Uh-huh.
Miss Muffet: Now, spiders also ... Get down. Yes. I'll put the legs on. Spiders have 8 hairy legs. All right?
[puts the spider legs on]
I'm going to put one leg on you here. There's 2, there's 3 ...
[Blue Muppet laughs]
... there's 4. It tickles, doesn't it? Well ... Stand still. 5, 6, and there's 7, and there's 8 legs.
[Blue Muppet comes back up finally wearing the spider costume]
Now ... Now, that's good. You see? All right, Lance.
Lance: [coming back onto the stage] Well, are we finally ready?
Miss Muffet: I should hope so. [Sighs with relief]
Lance: Oh, good. At last, we've got a spider. [leaves the stage]
Miss Muffet: Oh, yes, we've got a sp ... A SPIDER?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
[runs to the left side of the screen as the spider chases Miss Muffet as end music plays]
AAAAAAAH!
[runs to the right side of the stage]
AAAAAAAAAH!
[Miss Muffet runs to the left again as the spider runs to the left]
Announcer: And frightened Miss Muffet away.
[Lance comes onto the stage and sighs and walks to the left side of the stage]
Transcribed by David Frangioso, who also supplied the groovy pics