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Maybe in order to understand mankind we, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Baically, its made up of two separate words -"mank" and "ind". What does these words mean? Its mystery. And thats why so is mankind.
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Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
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If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em go, because, man, theyre gone.
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It easy to sit there and say youd like to have more money. And I guess thats what I like about it. Its easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since hes so busy, youd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more then some sort of striking surfaces attached to the end of a long stick.
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Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute then I spin around and pin the guys arm behind his back. Now whos asking the question?
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If you catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet thats what really throws you into a panic.
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died from tuberculosis.
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If youre robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think its okay to laugh, and for the hostages to laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
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Sometimes I think Id be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
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I cant stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
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I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend".
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Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons of each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professors has to do is check the lightest number against a master sheet of names and number to see who is asking the question.
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When youre going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
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If I was being executed by injection, Id clean my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, Id say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." Theyd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our childrens children, because I dont think children should be having sex.
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When you die, and if you get a choice between going to regular heaven, or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if its not, uummmmm, boy.
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I bet a funny think about driving a car off a cliff is, while youre in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try to emergency brakes!
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How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers then the dove, and it doesnt have that dangerous beak.
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Even thought I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, making my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later when I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.
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I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because Id like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it
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Its true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they dont tell you is, every ime you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
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If you want to be the popular one at a party, heres a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically thats illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesnt so what, I hate this stupid party.
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I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get some bummed out that I just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
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You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up to and kick her in the butt.
(ps this also works with men)
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