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I, Lord Davidian, would like to present to you, the avid Troika fan, a humorous and ongoing parody which I call "Troika: Of Personalities And Situations Obscura". Chapter 1 was written by Tiffany Chu (A.K.A. Chubaka) of Troika Games. Below the Troika fan fiction you will find sketches of some of the story's cast of "characters". Enjoy:
Prologue: Da Plane, Da Plane!

It was satisfyingly calm and quiet aboard the small, chartered jet which cradled the exhausted and anxious Troika team. The relaxing atmosphere was just what the Troika team needed to unwind after three grueling, tedious days at E3. Everyone was up to their usual, almost predictable, tricks and routines. Leonard Boyarsky was hiting on the cute blond flight attendent; using his lame, yet surprisingly effective pick-up line, "Excuse me miss, I can't seem to get this seatbelt latched. Could you ummm...do it for me?", which he followed up with his award-wining smile. Jason Anderson was swiftly, but cautiously swiping some mini liquer bottles from the service cart next to him while distracting the flight attendant by "cleverly" asking, "Ok, and the difference between the salted and unsalted nuts is what again?"

"You don't have to steal the booze, goofy. It's complimentary", Shellman thought to herself with a slight chuckle as she peered down the isle at Jason. She turned her attention back to her kicking of collective asses via her laptop as she continued to beat the crap out of Chad Moore and Michael McCarthy in a MP deathmatch game of Arcanum. You could safely say that Shellman was the glue which held this rag-tag team of talented miscreants together. Of course, the venerable Tim Cain would venture to guess otherwise as he fancied himself the "team leader". There he stood, a confidently regal, almost Napoleonic figure. Not so much because he had his chest out, stomach in, shoulders back and chin up; but because he stood about five-feet-nothing and had his right hand tucked into his coat peting "nipples", the stuffed sheep doll he always kept near and dear to him for good luck. He proceeded to review the events of the past few days at E3 as everyone pretended to listen with interest. Of course, by now everyone had heard more than enough about E3 and couldn't care less.

Suddenly, the small plane began to shake violently! The team looked at each other with blank and puzzled stares. All that is except the ever calm and cool Shellman who insisted that it was nothing more than turbulance. Then an announcement came over the plane's intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. We are currently experiencing some heavy turbulance which I can assure you is quite normal and should pass soon. In the meantime, please fasten your seatbelts. Thank you."

Before Shellman could even say "See, what did I tell you?" several clashes of thunder followed immediately by several blinding bolts of lighting struck the plane's perimiter, causing everyone to jump in shock. Then, without warning, every light on the plane went out and the sky went pitch black! Several girlish screams wrang out, but could not be readily identified. Shellman? Nope. She was too busy trying to figure out who the hell was siting on her lap with their big arms wraped around her neck. The back-up lights then came on, their dim yellow shine revealing who had jumped into Shellman's lap. "CHAD! GET THE HELL OFF ME!", she yelled as she pushed the big guy off. "Get a hold of yourself. Why don't you get a drink from Jason and relax?" Jason looked up at Shellman as if to say "What? I didn't do anything?" as the little bottles clinked together in his deep jacket pockets.

"I don't like the looks of this", Michael mumbled to himself as he peered through the darkened sky and noticed puffs of smoke eminating from the left engine.

"Wha...what did you say?", asked a still very nervous Chad who was now siting behind Michael, his seatbelt as tight as was humanly possible.

"Ummm...nothing. I'm gonna go have a word with the captain. Be right back." With that, Michael gave Chad a reassuring pat on the shoulder and procedded up to the front of the plane. Less than a minute went by before he came out of the cabin. "Ummm...Shellman, could you come up here a minute?" Shellman shruged and walked casually up to where Michael was standing.

"OH MY GOD!", she breathed as she saw the captain slumped over the controls, unconscious! "What are we going to do?"

"Well, I do happen to know how to fly..."

"OH! Thank God!"


Before Michael could get another word out, Shellman had him spun around and in the co-pilot's chair. "FLY!"

Michael stared at the controls for what seemed like an eternity. "Well?", Shellman asked impatiently.

"Give me a minute will ya?"


"Maybe we should try the radio first..."

Shellman huffed in agitation as she pointed to the short-circuted radio partially hidden by the unconscious pilot's slumped-over body.

"Oh right. Well, here goes everything", Michael said as he prayed quietly and pulled back on the controls to level out.

Suddeny, a huge whirlpool of irridescent lights appeared directly in front of the plane! "What the hell is that?", they both asked almost simultaneously.

"Get away from it!", insisted Shellman as the plane seemed to almost be irresistably drawn towards it's massive opening.

"I'm trying! The controls are frozen. We're locked into it's path! I just hope I can get us through it in one piece...whatever it is!"

"You've flown through storms before, haven't you?"

Michael didn't answer. Instead he fliped the intercom "on" switch. "I think we better calm the natives before we go any further", he said to Shellman without turning around to face her. "Hey fellas. This is your old pal Michael talkin' at ya. The captain has asked me to help him fly us through this rather nasty little storm. Don't worry, everything is smooth as silk. Just sit back and enjoy the ride." He paused for just a moment to collect his thoughts then continued. "Hey, I have an idea. Let's all sing a song. Oh, the weather started geting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost...the minnow would be lost..."

Shellman repeated her question, this time much louder and more insistant. "You DID fly through storms before, RIGHT?!?"

"well, actually no. I only took a week long course...but I did do very well." Michael gave a weak smile which didn't really help the situation.

"Oh, well THAT'S just peachy! I feel MUCH better now!", Shellman made no effort to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

Chapter 1: Strangeness In A Strange Land

While Shellman and Mike had gone off to the cabin, the rest of the team was freaking out. Leon, eyes wide and nostrils flaring, was staring out the window making a "urrrrrn" noise. Jason pondered the possibilities of becoming a religious fanatic (then decided against it, of course). Chad, though he will never admit to this later on, rocked back and forth on his seat with his arms wrapped around his knees saying, "I can't die yet! I didn't get my royalties for Arcanum! I wonder who will get my bike!" Jesse sat with his head tilted back, moaning, "Oooooh, this sucks so bad…" while Steve began to realize that Mike was piloting the plane.

In the back, Sissie turned to Tiff and cried, "Chu! I don't want to be squished!" Tiff in turn, replied in a shaky voice, "Squished? If you do get squished, you might at least look as cute as Tare…" Scott was in the bathroom when the turbulence started (or else he would've volunteered to pilot).

Up in the cockpit, Mike started to get light-headed while an epiphany-like suspicion dawned on Shellman - where did Mike learn to fly a plane in one week? Just when she thought that maybe she should hear his answer, she too, began to feel light-headed. "What is that strange purple light up ahead," she thought, "I must be hallucinating from the stress. Storms aren't usually purple, right?" Little did she know that all the Troika people began to notice it. Mike, in his befuddled state, began to steer the plane towards the swirling iridescent lights. As he drew closer, Mike thought, "Gee, that reminds me of the teleport eye candy from…"

Back in the main cabin, Leon turned to the 5-foot poster figure of Tim and accused his absence as the source of this turbulence (and purple light he thought he was seeing). And that was the last thing anyone back there heard as the plane dove into the rings of purple.

A little while later, back at Irvine, Tim had just sat down with some grilled chicken smothered in teriyaki sauce. He turned on the TV with one hand, while the other jammed a piece chicken into his mouth. Cooter plopped down and prepared himself to enjoy Tim TV. Normally he didn't flip channels that much. Perhaps it was the voice of fate, but when FoodTV started commercials, Tim had a strange urge to see what news might be on. "…airplane crashed into…" The reporter droned on. He thought, "God, wouldn't it be awful if that was the Troika plane? Good thing they weren't…" Straining to catch the words, Tim realized - "Good lord… That is the plane!" The piece of chicken in his mouth tumbled onto the floor next to Cooter.

Chad tried to remember what he did last night that would cause the pounding headache. His mind drew a blank, causing him to inhale deeply, smelling smoke. "What the hell is Mike burning?" He thought groggily, until the events in the plane brought him into reality. He sat up with a grunt and ran his large hands over his shaved head. As he patted himself reassuringly, he thought, "Well, everything seems fine. Even my skin is a healthy shade of green. Wait… green?"

Nearby, Shellman dreamt that Gwyn was kicking her. She was karate screaming and breathing fire (not really to far-fetched to be a dream). Except the sound of her screams were deepening, sounding more like Chad with every moment. "What the..?!" was Shellman's first conscious thought. She noticed that there was a small fire near her and that her back was in absolute pain. She brushed a strand of hair behind her pointy ears. "Pointy ears?" She wondered. Then she saw Chad, and everyone else.

"No! Bud, look, I gots the boomerang. It's not some boomerang you pick up at the Specs (really known as "The Spectrum"). No! Authentic!"

"Ssssssshut up! That ain't real! Like this gun. It ain't real neither! 'K?"
Chad and Mike were calmer now and had started examining their inventories. Mike assessed that he was indeed some sort of elf with a boomerang, while Chad decided that he was a mean, gun toting, Half-Orc. They stood next to a burning piece of the plane, examining items by the fire.

"Ok guys. Let's recap. We're in? I mean, a part of? Or…" Jason was finally grasping the concept, after drawing pictures in the dirt, looking silently upwards, and reiterating the situation to Shellman, Scott, and whoever else happened to stand nearby. It was sometimes difficult to talk to the others, especially Scott who happened to be a half-ogre, since he was a short dwarf. Having Shellman tower over him was something he could cope with, but seeing Sissie, the only person who managed to stay human, tower above him was rather unnerving. Jason thought, "At least Leonard and Steve are short too."

Leonard was definitely freaking out. Every time he looked down at himself, and even when he looked at others, he'd make noises alternating between "Ahrnn" and "AAAHG!" Tiffany tried to point out to him that at least gnomes were skinny and he probably wouldn't have to worry about watching his weight (but it didn't really help). Steve seemed to be having a great time by himself checking out how quietly his Halfling body was letting him move. He had already circled the plane wreck three times. Shellman knew it was time for her to take control. "Alright people," She began, "Gather round, gather round. Quit yer whining…"

…Which is what Cooter was doing since Tim was so busy trying to get in touch with the airline that he forgot Cooter needed a walking. However, for all Tim could piece together, the plane had simply vanished (unlike the nuisances Cooter wished to distribute throughout Irvine). Hoping against all hope, Tim made one last desperate attempt to find out what happened - he reached for his new cell phone and cycled through his address book. He figured, who knows, maybe one of the Troika-ites would have their phone on…




Cast Of "Characters":

Tim "Chocolate Sheep" Cain

Sharon "Don't Call Me Sharon" Shellman

Leon "Ladie's Man" Boyarsky

Chad "Where's My Binkie" Moore

Jason "Jack Daniels" Anderson

Mike "Free Stylin'" McCarthy


Tim Cain's sheep "Nipples"


The unpredictable Plastic Couch