I am a 35 year old female that found out I had OCD about 11 years ago. I haven't met many people that seem to have had an adult onset of this disorder. Most people seem to have had it since childhood. I have always had tendencies towards OCD, such as checking that my alarm clock was set about a million times, but nothing that interrupted or interfered with the day to day tasks of life.

It is funny when I think back to the things that were tendencies are not the things that I am obsessive about now, such as checking my alarm clock over and over. I am not what is considered to be a checker. I am what people call a washer. I wash so often that I could cry at times because my hands were cracked and bleeding. Now I not only wash my hands, but I wash to my elbows.

My tendencies seem to become this disorder when I was pregnant with my first child. I have been told that a stressful event probably was the initial trigger, meaning the pregnancy. I began to wash my hands after everything I did. My hands and wrists became very red and I went to the dermatologist thinking I must be having a reaction to something. Then it started becoming noticeable to me that something else must be wrong. I was becoming more and more consumed with the thoughts that would race through my head, that I MUST wash my hands because if I didn't it would be my fault if someone got sick. I also found myself taking 3 or 4 showers everyday and exhausting the hot water tank in the process. This began the "what if" thinking. The feeling was so overwhelming that I would often have panic attacks. I began to see a psychologist. I was prescribed Prozac. After little relief on the Prozac I started seeing another doctor at a large clinic about 3 hours from my home. They were more willing to experiment with different medications in larger does. I began taking 80 mg of prozac only to find it wasn't helping. I tried several other meds after that, (Buspar, Anafranil) then Zoloft which I continued on for a few years. None of these meds gave much relief, and for me the side effects were worse than just dealing with the OCD.

I started doing Behavioral Therapy, which consisted of me trying to force myself to face my fears. This only lasted a short time. I think mostly because I was just not ready and felt much anxiety. Although I feel this is truly the most helpful therapy in combating OCD. I have found the more you give in to your fears the more it reinforces the obsessions, and in turn, the compulsions.

Over the years the OCD has greatly influenced my life. I quit my job, mainly because of it. I have been divorced, greatly due to it. That seems very sad to say it has had that kind of impact. I think that one of the things that makes it so difficult when I look back is I KNOW what it feels like to be somewhat normal. Then whammo, here comes the OCD and turns my life upside down.

I have been to the point where I have been very resistant to the idea of leaving the safety of my home. That is a horrible trapped feeling. OCD can be an unforgiving thing to carry with you. I often have "something happen" that might upset me. This can ruin an entire day. I spend the rest of the time (no matter what I am doing) planning how I will handle the situation when I get home. What order I will do things in, so I can wash my hands the least amount of times. This becomes so time consuming. I have even left bags of groceries in the parking lot because I didn't like that the cashier had band-aids on his/her hands.

So that brings me to where I am now, eleven years with OCD. I am much better than I have ever been. I am completely off medications, for about 6 years now. I went off the meds to become pregnant with my second child and never went back on them. I am remarried to a wonderful man. I STILL have OCD that can be controlling at times. I find that my obsessions change from time to time, but they generally have to do with germs, and my compulsion continues to be washing my hands, and the urge to clean things that I feel have been contaminated.

What have I learned from my experiences? I have found that the stronger I can try to be (even thought at times it seems impossible), the more to my benefit it will be to have a happier life in the long run. I have found that the more positive support I get the stronger I get. It is better to accomplish things with baby-steps than it is with expecting to much. The tiniest accomplishment is a great feat. I try not to have people around me fall into my OCD trap.

By this I mean I try not to expect people close to me to follow my rituals because this just reinforces the OCD. Don't get me wrong I still have several things that I am not ready to do YET, but it is my hope that eventually I will be able to fight these things. I think OCD will be a constant part of the rest of my life, unfortunately. I don't think there is a miracle cure other then lots of hard work. It helps a great deal to talk to others with OCD. I have found a huge amount of support on the internet. That may sound cheesy but it is very true. I hope some of my experiences may someday help someone, even if only to help them realize that they may indeed have OCD and find help. I know it has been up and down for me over the last 11 years, but I feel the best that I have felt since this all began. I know my limits and try to stay within them, all the while pushing myself just enough to keep from sinking again.

Stacy.