We fade upon a man sitting in a lawn chair in a field, he has a gun resting at his side and to his right another chair is there with nobody in it. In between the two chairs there is a tree stump about three feet high. On the tree stump there is a can of "Wink" and a box of gun ammunition. The bullets are scattered among the ground, with cigarette butts and empty "Wink" cans. The man in the chair is Clyde, he is wearing your typical red-neck getup. He is wearing a pair of sunglasses which cover his eyes. In front of Clyde sits a sawhorse which also has empty "Wink" cans on it. He constantly is looking at the empty lawn chair. He then holds his watch up.
CLYDE
I swear I said one o'clock.
We now hear some rustle in some bush, and a man walks on stage and sits in the empty chair.
RUFUS
Hey, Clyde. How's she going?
CLYDE
Not bad, how 'bout you?
RUFUS
Aw I really can't complain, but I sure the hell hope that my cousin Lukei get's in a higher spirit.
CLYDE
Why?
RUFUS
Well last night he came home from work, 'bout three in the morning. He see's that his front door is busted open. So he walks in his door and looks around and can't understand why is door is open, 'cause he lives by his'self. So he turns on the light and his whole house was thefted.
CLYDE
You don't say?
RUFUS
Yeah, and he was so scared that the thieves was in there he run down his street screaming at the top of his lungs "I need help, sompin is in my house" he then went right into his neighbors house, Mr. Daniels...
CLYDE
The N.R.A guy?
RUFUS
Uh huh, so Mr. Daniels hears him come in his house screaming at the top of his lungs and gets so scared that he probably pissed his'self. So the old man is more than likely thinking that some crazy is running through his house, so he goes and get's his twelve gauge pump action shotgun out of his closet. Just as Lukie is running up the stairs Mr. Daniels shoots him in the pecker. Lukie then fell down the stairs and gave his head a bit of a bump, and got amnesia. So he couldn't recall any of the story. So now he can't make no more babies, and is also in a better place, what ever that means.
CLYDE
So he died?
RUFUS
Naw, he's in the white....place is all white.....oh, the White House.
CLYDE
They put him in the White House? With the president of the United states of America.
RUFUS
I guess so.
CLYDE
Moses, that sure is a long ways away from hear. So is Lukie ever coming back?
RUFUS
No, he said he likes the White House.
CLYDE
Oh. That's nice.
pause
CLYDE
So did you bring your shotgun?
RUFUS
Oh darn, I knew I forgot sompin at my house.
CLYDE
That's okay, you can have a turn with mine. You got the pop?
RUFUS
I was supposed to bring pop?
CLYDE
Yeah!
RUFUS
Oh, well I must of forgot that one too.
CLYDE
So we can share mine. Now tell me you brought the scanner.
RUFUS
Uh...
pause
RUFUS
I did, but on my way here I was attacked by a moose.
CLYDE
A moose?
RUFUS
Yup, he told me to give him the radio, or else.
CLYDE
Uh huh. No how do you think I would believe a tale like that? There ain't no moose aroun' hear, and also. Moose can't talk!
RUFUS
But this one could. He also told me he was on vacation. Nice weather aroun' here this time of year, no reason a moose wouldn't come here.
CLYDE
So you didn't bring the radio.
RUFUS
I did, but the moose has it.
CLYDE
Okay, so how are we gonna listen to the police? What if there was an emergency aroun' here? If we had the scanner radio we could know what was happening and could even save a life!
RUFUS
Well, it's not here. So lets just sit and catch some good old rest and relaxation.
CLYDE
Fine.
RUFUS
All right then.
They both sit in the chairs. Rufus starts to glance at the gun.
RUFUS
So is your gun workin'?
CLYDE
Yup.
RUFUS
That's good.
CLYDE
Sure is.
RUFUS
So when are you gonna shoot?
CLYDE
In a bit.
RUFUS
Oh, well if you want I could make sure its working fine.
CLYDE
Naw, that's okay.
RUFUS
You sure?
CLYDE
Oh yeah.
RUFUS
Alright then.
Rufus still gazes upon the gun.
RUFUS
So can I look at the gun?
CLYDE
I don't think so Rufus.
RUFUS
Common Clyde!
CLYDE
You really want to shoot don't you?
RUFUS
Yeah, well kinda.
CLYDE
Alright then, I'll let you shoot the first round.
Clyde hands Rufus the gun. Rufus has a grin on his face. He loads the gun and aims. He lets off a shot at the pop cans on the sawhorse, one can falls off.
CLYDE
Nice shot.
Rufus loads the gun and lets off another shot and nothing. He looks at Clyde. He loads again and aims, and fires nothing. He looks at Clyde who is now smiling at the situation. He loads another bullet and aims, and fires. Nothing. Clyde starts to laugh and Rufus turns to look at him. He loads another bullet into the gun. Clyde is still laughing.
RUFUS
Quiet please.
CLYDE
(through laughter)
You....can't...even hit a.........pop.....can at .....point....blank....range!
Rufus turns to Clyde and the gun turns with him. The gun is very close to Clyde and it goes off. Clyde falls back in his chair. Rufus is starring at the tip of the gun. Clyde gets up and stares at Rufus. Stunned, Clyde drops to the ground a second time. Rufus looks at Clyde on the ground, he looks over the body for blood.
RUFUS
No blood!
Clyde starts to come out of his little sleep.
RUFUS
You's okay? I mean you was shot in the head. You skull must'ta just sucked the bullet outta the sky. Strange.
CLYDE
I was shot in the head?
RUFUS
Good Jesus yeah! Boy I bet Lukie would have liked that if it happened to him.
CLYDE
I was shot in the head? I must be Jesus or sumtin'.
RUFUS
My God, maybe you are.
They ponder for a moment. Clyde picks up his chair and sits back down on it. He rubbs his head.
RUFUS
Well I'll be damned. We have a mirical here!
CLYDE
Oh yeah, and one hell of one.
RUFUS
What are you doin'?
CLYDE
What do you mean?
RUFUS
You said hell. Jesus don't say things like that. Stuff like, love, yes my son, no my son, peace, I forgive you, and love.
CLYDE
Well I don't think this is gonna work out then. I am chosen to be Jesus, but I ain't no tree hugger.
RUFUS
Now, hush! You don't have to be a tree hugger to be Jesus. You can be anything. I bet you there is many Jesuses walkin' this fine earth. I bet you there is one in each town. Like Bill Clinton, he's must be. And the guy from the John Deer store in Stuntville, I don't care what anyone says he is Jesus.
CLYDE
Maybe we are taking this to a an extream
RUFUS
A what?
CLYDE
Making it to much, when it is really just a little thing. I think I my go for a walk. You stay here and guard the stuff.
Clyd get's up and walks off. Rufus falls asleep in seconds. Smoke appears to simulate Rufuses dream.
DREAM
a moose in a Hawian shirt and short, sandles, camera, and sunglasses walks in. Rufus stands up.
RUFUS
Now where is the scanner?
MOOSE
Relax I left back at my trailer.
RUFUS
What are you doin' here?
MOOSE
Well, I am here to help you.
RUFUS
Help me. What could I need help with?
MOOSE
Your life. I know everything.
RUFUS
Oh really?
Rufus drops somthing and bends over and his underwear is showing. He get's back up.
RUFUS
So tell me what colour my underwear is.
MOOSE
White, well brownish white, and a bit of yellow.
Rufus looks down his pants and is amazed.
RUFUS
How'd you know that?
MOOSE
Magic.
RUFUS
So what do I need help with?
MOOSE
You friend Clyde is going to die. I can not tell you how. But I can tell you it will be today while you in the forrest. It is up to you to save him.
RUFUS
That ain't fair. I need to know more.
MOOSE
tha is all I can tell you. Now if you could wake up so I can go back to what I was doing with my wife.
RUFUS
What where you doing?
MOOSE
Uh....well.....we where doing.......um.............we where pickeling eggs. Yeah, that's it.
RUFUS
Well, that is great fun, save me one will ya?
MOOSE
Sure, now wake up!
RUFUS
Oh, and one last thing.
MOOSE
What?
RUFUS
Is Clyde Jesus. Is that why I have to save his life? That would be a real important job right?
MOOSE
Do you get to work on improtant jobs? As in right away?
RUFUS
Sure do.
MOOSE
Well then Clyde is Jesus.
RUFUS
My lord. This is gonna be odd.
Rufus get's up and starts to pase around.
RUFUS
Well how am I supposed to do this? I mean, I ahve to save Jesuses life. Do I get any warnings?
MOOSE
Would you please wake up! I five minutes late! I have eggs to pickel!
RUFUS
Well how do I wake up? Is this a dream or a vision?
MOOSE
I don't know.....a vision.
RUFUS
Okay, that makes it even more important.
the Moose walks over to Rufus and smacks him. His chair falls back. The smoke comes on again. We now go back to the normal day. Rufus is still on his back with his feet sticking up in the air.
RUFUS
Wow, that was some dream, no vision.
NOTE dec 21/98
Clyde comes back and Rufus try all this silly shit trying to save him from eating and drinking stuff.