Santa is sitting in a chair in his cabin.

SANTA

Son of a bitch! It's that time of year again. I gotta get off my fat hairy ass and deliver all those freakin presents to those snotty nose bastards! Good I wish I had Jefferson here. I need my stuff! I guess I could go out to the stable and hitch up the reindeer, all that work. I'll send Pablo out to kick the living crap out of that whiney bastard Rudolph. Hey, Pablo!

Pablo the nasty elf enters.

PABLO

What up?

SANTA

I need you to go out to the stables and kick the crap out of red nose for me.

PABLO

Why me?

SANTA

I need to relax.

PABLO

Or, cause you can't roll off that fat rump of yours?

SANTA

What the hell did you say?

PABLO

Nuttin.

SANTA

Well, what the hell are you waiting for?

Rudolph is in the stable. He is tied up to a stake. Pablo walks in with a stick.

PABLO

So, I was told to kick the crap out of you!

RUDOLPH

Why?

PABLO

No questions are supposed to be asked. Got it? Now if you want a light one you will shut the hell up now, but on the other hand if you want me to bust you face up. Keep talkin!

RUDOLPH

But it is Christmas time.

PABLO

Shut up or you's gonna get it! The big guy told me to do it, so here I am. Oh, and there is gonna be a different type of Christmas this year. Crackmas!

Pablo starts the beating.

Santa and his dealer Jefferson at the table in the cabin.

JEFFERSON

So what you want to do is give all the kids crack for Christmas?

SANTA

That is what I want! We will become empires, one snort and they're hooked! First a free treat. they all come to us for more, and more, and even more. Oh, the money. I can just sit around on my ass for 364 days of the year and sell crack! Oh it is gonna be great!

JEFFERSON

Don't you sit on your fat ass for 364 days a year already?

SANTA

Yes, yes I do. But I don't make money!

JEFFERSON

Ah, you have the plan.

SANTA

No more Christmas, but let the world now know it as Crackmas! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

JEFFERSON

He, he that is some funny shit!

SANTA

The name?

JEFFERSON

No, your blubber when you laugh! Bring on the crack! West side!!

Pablo enters.

PABLO

I beat his sorry ass, just like the protesters in 1969. I hate those stupid niggers! Think Rudolph is a nigger? Oh shit! Jefferson I didn't know you was here.

JEFFERSON

I will carry out the duty of my blood brothers! I will dismiss your ass. We may have been beaten, abused, and pre-judge but by god I will not let a ugly little blue mother(bleep) talk that way.

Jefferson pulls out a gun and blows Pablo's head off.

JEFFERSON

Sorry 'bout that. I'll pay you back with a slave.

SANTA

No problem.

Back in the stable.

RUDOLPH

My lord, what will I ever do? Santa must be stopped. I could never let him give all the kids crack for Christmas. I must do something.

He breaks free of the chain and walks off.

Back in teh cabin.

SANTA

I better go see if Pablo kicked Red Noses ass! I'll be back.

Just after Santa leaves, Rudolph comes in and finds Jefferson snorting crack.

RUDOLPH

I had a good idea you where behind this!

JEFFERSON

Hey, don't be meesin' with me or I'll bust a cap! G.

RUDOLPH

I will not let you get away with this.

Jefferson pulls out his gun and blows Rudolphs back legs off. Rudoplh runs at him and rips out his insides. Santa walks in.

SANTA

The little bastard is not there. My god! What the F@ck happened here?

RUDOLPH

Pablo told me about your plan.

SANTA

Stupid bastard!

Rudolph pulls himself towards Santa. Santa starts to waddel away from him. He falls down. Rudolph rips out his insides.

RUDOLPH

Ah, that was nice. Now Christmas can be forever wonderful.

A little elf walks in.

JUB

Did you get the stuff from fat ass?

RUDOLPH

Yes, now lets get the dancers and party.

JUB

What about Christmas?

RUDOLPH

Um, (bleep) it!

the end.