GREASE is without a doubt one of the best movies ever made. It's soundtrack is amazingly fun, the acting is good, and despite being a "50s" movie adapated from a musical, it has a timelessness that still makes it fun to watch today. Though it's a stretch to believe the actors are actually high school students (Travolta was forgivably 24, but Olivia Newton John was 30, and Stockard Channing 34 when the film was made), the nearly $100 million in video rental revenue alone, prove it's still an endearing movie to many.

After it was released in 1978 and eventually grossed $341 Million worldwide, was it any surprise that the folks at Paramount wanted to make a sequel?

No...the surprise was when none of the original cast with the exception of some school faculty and the delightful "Frenchy" (lovingly played by Didi Conn) were available to return, they decided to make it anyway.

Let's see, instead of John Travolta as the head of the T-Birds, you get...Adrian Zmed? Yep, TJ Hooker's Adrian Zmed, who's other major claim to fame was hosting DANCE FEVER.

Adrian Zmed, when Travolta isn't skinny enough, effeminate enough, or just not available

And for the "lead blonde" (Stephanie Zimone), let's get...Michelle Pfieffer.

How Madame Pfieffer, who's currently in the #1 film WHAT LIES BENEATH with Harrison Ford, survived this horrible career misstep is a miracle to say the least. As her first major film role, it's easy to see why she took the part, but had it not been for her simultaneous casting in SCARFACE we may have never seen her again.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!?!

Funny Michelle Pfieffer interlude here. When my old boss was working at a phone company about 10 years ago, Pfieffer called his customer service, angry, that her calling card had been canceled. Apparently she was away making some movie and whoever was handling her bills, had'nt paid this one in about 4 months so the service was turned off. She was understandably furious, as she needed to use it, and when she escalated to a manager, and pulled the "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" crap, he cleverly replied, "Weren't you in GREASE 2?" Needless to say, she hung up on him.

The "story" involves Maxwell Caulfield's character "Michael", who's an exchange student fromn Australia who is going to good old Rydell High. Despite being the most handsome and muscular dude in the school, he's labeled a nerd. In order to win over his obsession (Pfieffer) he decides to refurbish a motorcycle despite being a total bookworm, he figures it out totally on his own.

You know you're a pussy if Adrian Zmed can kick your ass!

And why does he do this? Cause Pfieffer wants a Cool Rider! If you don't believe me, just download the song below yourself and hear her sing all about it.

COOL RIDER by Michelle Pfieffer (3.4MB)

Check out some of the inane dialogue from this monstrosity:

Stephanie: Besides, there's gotta be more to life than makin' out.
Paulette: Y'know, I never thought of it that way!

Michael: I was wondering if you were free today?
Stephanie: Yeah. I'm free everyday, it's in the Constitution.

Stephanie: You know all this deep junk and everything. You must think I am some kinda dummy, right?
Michael: Actually, I think you're kinda terrific.

Can you imagine someone even taking writing credit for this? His name is Ken Finkleman who went on write another awful sequel Airplane 2 that same year. The film was the debut for director Patricia Birch, and it's no surprise that it was her last job as director as well.

This film is full of stupid things. Like when the TBirds and Pink Ladies want to go out for a hot night of action, do you think they make out and get nasty like the crazy kids in the first film would? No...they go bowling...and SING ABOUT IT, TOO! "Gonna Score Tonite" is the most inane song in a movie musical ever.

"WE'RE GONNA SCORE TONIGHT"
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C'mon everybody gather round
I'm gonna show you how to knock'em down
When I'm on the ball
I'm the #1
And I'm gonna show ya how it's done
Let's bowl, let's bowl, let's rock n roll
Hey c'mon let's get this show on the road
Let's bowl, let's bowl, Let's rock and roll
You're sittin on a bomb that's about to explode
Let's SCORE tonight
Let's SCORE tonigh-ight
If you're lookin for a fight
Then the time is right
We're gonna wipe up the floor with you tonight
Let's SCORE tonight
Let's SCORE-OR-OR toni-yight
We're gonna rock, we're gonna roll, we're gonna bop
We're gonna bowl
We're gonna score score score score score...Tonight!

Bowling as a euphemism for sex? Good thing they scrapped that elaborate Lawn Darts song and dance number. And believe it or not, the songs get worse than that. Gems like "Let's Do it For Our Country", and "Rock a Hula Luau" are sure to make your ears bleed.

But despite all my attacks, there's something oddly alluring about this film. It sucks so bad you almost can't stop watching it. Like some twisted roadkill that you can't take your eyes off of. Until that damn Cool Rider song is stuck in your head to the point that you want to stick a gun in your ear and paint your wall with your own brains.

Surely if there is a GREASE 3, you better make your peace with God once and for all, 'cause Armageddon will have begun.

In the meantime, just pray to God they never make a sequel to THIS

-Whiskey Moodz