Few notes before we begin...took the day off to heal my neck which is suffering the effects of being in a computer chair 24 hours a day, but I spent it sorta productively - fixed some of the older posts that had broken pics. Also, we've moved the forum to a more secure enviroment, and added user icons! 25 pillars of pop culture for you to choose to represent ya, everyone from the Kool-Aid Man to that blonde dude from Sectaurs. If you haven't registered, go for it, its totally free. If you are having trouble logging in or forgot your password, please e-mail me with the user ID you chose when you registered. Big thanks to Kevin Day for setting us up! Check out the forum!

Mad ups to our network, UGO, for treating us right even when I make some pretty brutal mistakes as a result of being as efficient in HTML as those people who make tributes to Princess Diana on Geocities. Check 'em out, their site is kinda like a portal to some of the better sites on the net, and since its mainly a targeted demographic, chances are if you like this site, you'll like many in their network. Its good to know there's still some of these places out there that actually do their job well.

To those of you asking about old media files, they are not permanently offline. All media files that currently don't work will be back online within 48-64 hours. (that's an exact estimate!) So if you're dying to know what happened when R2-D2 went on Sesame Street or when Mr. T visited Conan O'Brien, start checking around the archives in a few days.

Speaking of Mr. T, today's movie was almost so horrible, I almost gave up watching it for the review within the first two minutes. An MGM/UA home video presentation of blacksploitation of the highest degree from 1982, packed full of more boxing, blood, and fried chicken than any block of 120 minutes should ever host....

PENITENTIARY II
Leon Isaac Kennedy is back ...and he's got Mr. T on his side!

First off, I came across this flick on the clearance sale shelf of one of the only mom'n'pop video stores left in the area. There was two very important reasons to pick it up: the first obviously is who's in it...the second is that its a 1982 movie with a 'BLACK CINEMA' sticker stuck on it. So I knew I was in for the most stereotypical good time one could possibly have watching a movie about murderin' black villains and heroic black boxers.

I've actually been sitting on this one for a few months...I've stomached a lot of tough movies doing this site, but somehow, I knew this was going to be a real challenge. How does one approach a movie about a good-natured boxer out to avenge the memory of his raped n' killed girlfriend that manages to rip off fucking Star Wars within the first three minutes...

See? I watched this on a 13" television, so I can't tell you what it reads, but I will say this: they opted for the Star Wars opening, living under the impression that the only way to top it was to put enough words on the screen to fill a small book. I was convinced the movie hadn't been rewound and I was actually watching the end credits. Shamefully enough, this is the only part of the movie I was able to watch without reading comic books simultaneously to distract me.

Its the story of Too Sweet, a young guy who's recently had some bad luck. Either in the first installment of this unbelievable series, or somewhere in between, Too Sweet went to jail for a crime he didn't commit. Now he's back on da streets, forced to work for the local boxing place as part of his parole hearing. The guy who owns the joint wants Too Sweet to box, but our black stallion will have none of dat. For now! I think that's the only buffer you'll need...let's take the plunge and see how bad a movie that features Mr. T walking around with a genie lamp can actually get. I'm not going to vidcap every scene of this one...I've thought about it, and I'm pretty sure in the process of looking at all of this in still pics would drive you clinically insane, so we're just gonna look at the key scenes. Unfortunately for me, there's a ton of those. This article will spill onto a second page, so you know what that means. Twice the T.

Despite being heckled by the most obnoxious boxers for being a 'pretty boy homosexual', Too Sweet has no interest in fighting. He only kept the name because he's so pretty. The heckling boxer in question manages to squeeze the word 'sucka' into his twelve second tirade no less than 45 times, a trademark of this film. If you go through the entire castlist of this film, then the script, you'll realize that none of them say 'sucka' any less than two times. Which leads me to believe this film was certainly formulated by a white guy...I doubt any black readers in our audience will verify that 'sucka' is indeed the most popular word in their day-to-day dealings. Anyway, the fact that Too Sweet won't fight presents a big problem for...the film's white guy.

I don't know his name, nor do I have the inclination to check, so we'll call him George. And George is pissed! He's the one who saved Too Sweet's ass from prison, and now the sucka won't box for him! Frustrated, he fills in Too Sweet on his new job: mopping the floors.

Elsewhere, we find a car full of hoodlums, the main one being none other than a much younger, completely psychopathic, devoid of acting ability Ernie Hudson. You remember Ernie...he was a Ghostbuster. But not in 1982! No, in 1982 Ernie's a criminal named 'Half Dead', and he's got a past with Too Sweet. Since he be bad, doo fiddy, he decides its about damn time to extract summa dat sweet revenge. He's also got teeth whiter than the flourescent bulb hovering over my monitor.

Ironically, later in his career Ernie would take on a role in beating up criminals in HBO's Oz. Guess he reformed.

Too Sweet's sister is concerned. Too Sweet explains that he's in no mood for 'opening up', especially after going to prison for a crime he didn't commit, and especially after their parents were killed by a reckless driver. Shit, that one went right over my head. I guess I should've rented Penitentiary I. I would've liked to see that. This charming sequence lets us know that yes, Too Sweet's a brooding character with a lot on his mind. But you know what's not on his mind? Boxing. The script will let you know that 500 times. Remember, its important.

Despite being down, it doesn't take much to coherse Too Sweet for a little rollerskate dancing in the park to the tune of porno music. Jesus, Bill Cosby really missed the boat with this one. He shouldn't have been so concerned with getting The Little Rascals off the air when there's a movie like this floating around.

Out of nowhere, Too Sweet's old flame Clarice shows up. Clarice is pissed that her mayn never wrote or even let her know he was alive, but all is forgotten once she gets a look at his too sweet ass and remembers what a fox he is. They kiss, they cuddle, they go back home. Like I said, this movie's blacksploitation to the tee. So if you've seen any of these types of films, you gotta know what's coming next...

Sex! Bow bah bow bow ban nah! Too Sweet waits the standard amount of time, three seconds, before grabbing at Clarice's tits and announcing his true needs: her body. Clarice freaks out and spouts out love messages for her mayn, but decides that before she loses her virginity, she's really gotta take a piss. So she heads off to the bathroom, leaving Too Erected to take care of bidness...

Wow, this guy really is an ex-con. Check out Leon Kennedy's enormous and totally unhidden erection, and also the fact that he wastes no time revealing his plot: that wasn't no couch. That was a bed, 'thucka. Too Sweet knows the game, and he's ready to unleash Too Long on sweet, virginal Clarice.

As a side note, you've gotta imagine that its a pretty big risk for an ex-con who hasn't had sex in months to get back into action with Clarice, a virgin. Guy's gonna kill her. Luckily, we won't have to worry about that, since someone else kills her first.

Clarice is bombarded in the bathroom by Half Dead, who wields a knife and makes it known that if she so much as breathes, she's dead. Half Dead's there to kill Too Sweet, but you know, when ya get lemons...rape the girl with the big bazookas till she dies.

I could've vidcapped this scene a little more, but I don't think too many of you come to this site in the hopes of getting clear shots of Ernie Hudson having wild monkey sex without consent. After a few thousand minutes pass, Too Sweet realizes that maybe there's a problem, and boy...is there ever.

CRAZY HALF DEAD HUDSON! Oh my god, I really lost it at this point. Crazy Half Dead knocks down the door and stands there announcing his intentions to Too Sweet for the next three minutes. He's obviously taken lessons in crime from Skeletor. While he's doing that though, there's an extreme closeup on his ugly mug that suggests that Ernie Hudson is indeed insane, and this is definitely no act. Trust me, if you watch this movie, there is no way in Hell you'd ever go up to the guy and tell him you enjoyed his work in Congo.

They fight, Too Sweet wins, and the cops arrive. Half Dead's arrested, but that's a small instance of justice since he just raped the love of Too Sweet's life to death. So its time for our golden boy to make a decision. In honor of Clarice, and I swear this is how he puts it, his new life mission is to get respect from children. I swear to God, this is what he says. No, he doesn't follow it up with '...so I can teach them the right thing!' or '...so they'll shine my shoes for free!', he just wants to command the respect of kids. They say witnessing a murder forever changes a man. This new element really proves it. So, to get respect, Too Sweet knows what he has to do: box.

Meanwhile, people spray paint 'CRIM-ANAL' on Mike Tyson's house and Macho Camacho sits at home regretting the day he decided to do the weigh-in session fully nude with photographers around. Respect my ass.

Too Sweet tells George he's ready to fight again. George displays a great deal of joy over this, and for some reason, offers to buy him socks. Right. Anyway, George really sees star potential in a guy who uses a boxing name even while shopping for groceries, so he puts a lot of stock in him. Enough stock to give him the best trainer money can offer....

MR. T! Hahaha! Christ, this movie just made a turn for the better of mass proportions. Folks, Mr. T. They actually call him that in the movie, a rough and tough sucka who knows what it takes to be a champ. T doesn't get to use any of his classic catchphrases though. Or maybe he does...its pretty hard to tell in a movie where everyone talks like Mr. T. Ebonics was thrust into the mainstream solely by the members of this flick's fan club, I'm sure of it.

Too Sweet meets up with an old friend who also recently got out of prison. His name's 'Seldom Seen', and I'm not making that one up either. He offers nothing to the plot other than some fried chicken later on, (again, not kidding) ...but since Too Sweet seems to like him so much, I figured he's worth mentioning. Mr. T works Too Sweet like a dog to turn him into a champ.

What you're seeing up above are Half Dead's cronies infiltrating the hospital where he's heavily guarded and injured, wearing stockings over their heads. Why? Because its the ultimate disguise, and offers some much needed comedic relief from the movie's usual bouts with people getting killed, brutal rape scenes, and rollerskating.

Shit! Half dead's out? Escaped? You know this spells trouble...but it'll be some time before we find out what kind of trouble. If you think what you've seen so far is intriguingly awful, wait till you see what's in part deux.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE - OR BE SMART...AND DON'T!

- Moody Moodz

PS, this movie scored 2.9 on the Internet Movie Database. Check out the second part, which clearly illustrates why.