*Mercedes sits alone in N's dark bedroom, the computer screen glowing with images of midget porn.*

Mercedes: How the HELL do these guys bend like that...??

*Yurimaru enters and wrinkles his nose at the porn.*

Yu: Oh god, not again.

Mercedes: What?? I'm boooored...

Yu: Well shove your butchly bottom. Haru sent N a fic that she wants us to MST.

Mercedes: Well... okay, I think my system can take another crappy fic.

The Vampiress Kathleen
By Mask of Dawn

Yu: Because Kathleen is a spooky name.

Disclaimer: Kathleen is my creation, but the Vampire Chronicles belongs to Anne Rice.

Mercedes: Oh god! Anne Rice can suck my wrinkled old cock.

Darkness was descending upon the land; I could feel it with every new passing shadow.

Yu: As opposed to the old passing shadows, which I just ignored.

The silence of this place astonished me. I could not even hear the soft murmers of the phantom

Mercedes: *in a spooky opera voice* SING! My angel of BEAUTY!!!!

winds that crept passed my straining ears. What was this desolate place? After years of wandering, had my destiny finally come to this?

Mercedes: Jerking off in a warehouse to midget porn?

I laughed aloud at my absurd question.

Yu: So did we.

After all, this was no time to reflect on such philosophical values as destiny.

Mercedes: And midget porn.

And yet, didn't every soul feel as if it need to have a destiny; some ultimate purpose to fulfill for the goodness of all those who dwell in this world?

Yu: Huh?

Mercedes: My ultimate purpose for the goodness of all mankind is to beat the fuck out of Peter Popoff...

But there I went, contradicting myself again.

Yu: Oh great, she makes a habit of this?

There would be plenty of time for that later. In fact, there would be an eternity.

Yu: To contradict yourself? Sounds like fun!

Mercedes: Eternity huh? I think this person is a……..dum da dum dum, WEREWOLF!!!

Yu: Are you stupid on purpose?

These questions were going to haunt me forever, of that I could be sure. That was probably the only certainty in my life.

Yu: That and herpes.

I crept down into this dark valley, finding that my senses were keenly aware of the feeling of death and decay. The feeling sickened me somewhat, even though I had been in cemeteries filled with the loathable scent before. I hated these graveyards filled with filthy, decaying bodies of mortals who had been taken from life long ago. I only slept in the loose earth around them in times of great desperation.

Mercedes: *as the narrator* And sometimes, out of desperation I would screw the bodies….

Unfortunately, these times came often for me.

Yu: PHHHHHHTTT!! *laughs *

Mercedes: *snorts* See?

But that was to be excpected, considering what I was, and the company I kept.

Yu: Oh this gets better and better!

Let me pause in this tale for the time being; I have not properly introduced myself.

Yu: What a pity.

My mortal name was Kathleen. I am now known as the Vampiress Kathleen,

Yu: Imagine that!!!!

Mercedes: You didn't have a last name??

feared by others despite my young age. Their fear probably is a result of

Mercedes: My sexual habits.

their fear for the one who made me, or as a result of my own strength; I do not know.

Yu: Why not? Are you stupid?? I mean they're kind of completely different reasons...

But I prefer them to fear me, it makes everything so much easier. Now I will begin this tale, the tale of both my mortal and vampiric lives.

Yu: Oh goody gumdrops.

Mercedes: Why don't they ever tell that tale of how they all wind up in Hot Topic bitching at each other because one of them just bought the last velvet cape?

One of my companions, The Vampire Lestat, encouraged me to write this story.

Mercedes: PLUG!!!!

Yu: Oh dear GOD no. And I'm sure they're great buddies! Her, Lestat and Louis go out and get hammered every Friday night!

Mercedes: *as Lestat* You know Louis... you have... the FINEST ass... can I probe it? Pwease?

Yu: *as Louis* BLAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!

And why not?

Yu: Urmm, would you like a list?!!

I have plenty of time to spare. Too much, in fact. And I've always liked Lestat's autobiographies; they're quite amusing.

Mercedes: *pompous laugh* He's such a twit!

So now, it's my turn to tell a story. My story. The Tale of the Vampiress Kathleen.

Yu: Shitty title.

~Chapter one~

I was born into mortal life in the year 1984, in the city of New York. I lived there for the first four years of my life with my family. Although I was an only child, my parents never had any time for me.

Yu: I thought it was mandatory that these stories take place a long time ago...

Mercedes: Urmm... now does she mean she lived with her parent's until she was 4 in mortal years, or 4 spooky vampire years? I can imagine how that would have gone. 'GEEEZ DAD! Can't you knock?? I'm TRYING to suck some COCK, I mean BLOOD!'

Yu: The eighties were a very spooky time, you know. Look at the hair.

They were too busy with their careers, which brought in a considerable sum of money.

Mercedes: They were both hookers. Dad made more than mom.

Yu: That's cos he starred in midget porno flicks on the side.

I suppose you could say we were rich. My mother was an accountant and my father was a stock broker, and they were always traveling from one place to the next.

Yu: And they just left their 4 year old at home??

Mercedes: I have yet to hear the tale of a vampire with a loving family...

They tried to make up for the lost time with me by sending me presents; lavish little trinkets that I cared nothing for. I discovered at a very young age that most material possessions meant nothing to me; what I really wanted was for someone to love me,someone who would spend all the time in the world with me, who wasn't concerned with appointments, deadlines, or even time itself. But I found no one like this for a long time.

Yu: Boo fucking hoo.

Mercedes: Aww don't worry, little girl, Mr. Butler will give you all the LOVIN' you need!

When I was eleven years old, we moved to New Orleans, Louisiana, because my mother's company had relocated to a building with more space and in a more convenient location. My father didn't mind moving, because he would be in New York most of the time anyway. I was very bitter and angry at my parents throughout my early childhood, but I soon discovered that it was easiest to simply focus on more important things.

Yu: Like midget porn.

Mercedes: Urmm... wouldn't she find her dad in that? Remember he was in a film?

Yu: Oh yeah... what a sick little girl.

I started to read. It was a lovely way to escape from my less-than-ideal reality; the words spoke to me in a way that no one else could.

Mercedes: *as the book* Now…take off your clothes, yeeeeeeeah that's right!

I fell in love with the thoughts of others through the written word; I shared their ideas and dreams.

Yu: And fantasies! *porn music*

When I first started school in New Orleans, I was very shy. Hardly anyone would talk to me because I always kept to myself. I was considered to be a nerd by the majority of the school's population. I always carried a large amount of books in a bag slung over my shoulder, and I was always alone. However, I excelled in all of my subjects, excluding mathematics, which I loathed.

Yu: This childhood flashback is amazingly dull, why do we need to know this?

Mercedes: Because we need to find out that she's just a scarred and scared little girl, just desperate for love. And that's why she sucks some major COCK.

One day, a new girl arrived at our school. She was very beautiful, even then.

Mercedes: *as the narrator* One day I went over to her and said, 'you look very beautiful... where is bathroom?'

Her hair was shoulder-length and glossy, the smooth, black tresses curling at the ends. Her eyes were almost black, but they were very friendly and held a warmth I had not seen often in the eyes of others.

Mercedes: How the FUCK can black eyes look friendly??? It's like, 'Hi! I'm Susi and I want to EAT YOUR SOOOOOOOOOOOOUL!!!'

Everyone gathered around her the whole day, so you can imagine my surprise when she asked if she could sit next to me at lunch. I didn't think she was talking to me at first. I finally managed to stammer, "Y-yes,of course!"
She sat to my right and smiled at me.

Mercedes: Dyke.

The smile was contageous; I had to smile back. I said,
"Hi, I'm Kathleen, what's your name?"
"My name's Gloria," she answered. Her voice sounded almost musical. "I just moved here from Spain, although I'm not originally from there. I'm really native to Argentina, but my dad's in the navy, so we move around a lot."

Yu: More pointless history we don't give a rat's ASS about!

"That sounds familiar," I grinned. "My family moves around a lot, too. But I must say, I've never been anywhere as exotic as Spain."
She sighed. "Once you've been to one place, you've been to them all, mi amiga."

Yu: See how Spanish I am?

Mercedes: Taco? Burriiiiito? Spanish is a very spooky language you know.

We talked the rest of the lunch period, and from then on, we were best friends. We did everything together. She even taught me to speak Spanish fluently, and I helped her with her English grammar assignments. We couldn't be separated.

Mercedes: More dyke action.

Yu: They're conjoined twins! AHHHHH!

As the years passed, our interests changed, but our friendship did not. She became a trendy, boy-crazy shop-a-holic, and I was a hopeless romantic and a dreamer. Occasionally I would consent to go shopping with her, where she would persuade me to try on hundreds of different outfits. Gloria loved to dress me up and apply cosmetics to my face, saying that I had the beauty she had always longed for. The first time she told me this, I was shocked. I did not believe myself to be beautiful; the thought had never crossed my mind. At first I did not believe her.

Yu: Of COURSE she's drop dead gorgeous. God I hate self-inserts.

"Me, beautiful?" I scoffed. "Why do you tell me such things?"

Mercedes: You LIE! LIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!! *makes Zim-style scratchy motions*

Gloria laughed in amazement. "Chica, have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? You're drop-dead gorgeous! And part of your appeal is that you're so innocent. You have no idea how attractive you are."
"Well, I'm not that good-looking," I muttered modestly. "Hey, I would kill for hips like yours!"
"Ah, true," smiled Gloria. "I have to admit, I have the sexiest hips in the world!"

Yu: Pointless chatter! *titters*

We laughed and continued our shopping. I thought nothing of our conversation over the next few days, but a few weeks later, as I looked into the mirror one morning, I realized Gloria was right.

Yu: FUCK I'm hot; I was much better looking than that bitch!

I had never really looked at myself in years, and as I thought of Gloria's words, I began to examine myself more closely.

Yu: Oh so THAT'S what a penis looks like!

Mercedes: It was then, that I found out that I had pubic lice.

I had very long,

Mercedes: COCK

wavy golden hair that I had always liked, except for the fact that it was frizzy when exposed to extreme humidity. I also loved my eyes; they were a deep blue color which changed its hue to match my different moods. I had a nice nose that was a little pointed at the tip, and full, pink lips. My figure was nicely shaped, my limbs were thin yet strong. Overall, I was pretty attractive.

Yu: This is the part of the story where she becomes a complete narcissist.

Mercedes: That and a total slut.

I guess I hadn't given it much thought before. This realization changed me only somewhat; it gave me the small boost of confidence that I needed. I paid a little more attention to my wardrobe, buying clothing that fit my dramatic and romantic tastes. I loved, and still love, soft flowing fabrics that hold a very feminine quality. I also put on a little makeup, but only enough to heighten my features a little. Gloria liked this subtle change in me; it added to my innocent charm, or so she said.

Yu: Okay, will you just shut up? We get the point, you're hot!

Mercedes: Nah, she's gotta flaunt it a little more, like this! *pooches out her chest and smacks her lips* I'm HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!! LOOOOOK AT MEEEEEE! COCK!

Yu: ... Please don't do that, it's disturbing.

Many young men wanted to date me, but I wasn't interested in starting a relationship with any of them. They simply weren't intelligent enough, and none of them understood me. They only liked me because of my outward appearance, and I wanted to be loved for my inward beauty.

Yu: Which we have seen NONE of. You shallow bitch.

I was waiting for a man who would love me for just being me.

Yu: Honey, you're in high school. You date booooooys, not men.

In the meantime, I started to focus on theatre.

Mercedes: OF course, where else could I focus my pompous and egotistical charms!

There was a small theatre near my house that I was very fond of. I loved performing there, even if I only received small roles. It was my dream to become an actress and a singer. It took a lot of practice, but in the spring of my senior year of high school, I finally landed the lead role in a musical at the theatre. It was a production of West Side Story,

Mercedes: Urmm... does that mean she's in like a Ghetto Production? Is she going to be a wigger style vampire?

Yu: I'm gonna suck your blood yo, word to your mom!

and I was Maria. I had to wear a black wig, of course, for the part, but it looked real enough. It was a dream come true. Then, tragedy struck.

Yu: oh thank GOD!

The night of the last performance, the small but well-respected theatre was packed with people. The performace went very smoothly; it was our best yet. I smiled broadly at the curtain call, thinking, Yes, this is what I want to do with the rest of my life. A man from a university even offered me a scholarship, which deeply touched me even though I did not need the money.

Mercedes: I do not need your foolish mortal money!! I can get whatever I want with my spooky charms! BWAHAHAHAHA!

As I was packing up my things in the dressing room, ready to go home, my director knocked on the door. When I let him in, he quickly told me that something terrible had happened that night. Gloria was dead.

Yu: Yay.

At first, I could only stare at him in disbelief. This couldn't be true, Gloria was my best friend. She couldn't have died. The director went on to tell me that Gloria had been in a fatal car accident earlier that evening, and that she had been killed immediately on impact. She hadn't felt any pain.

Yu: Except for the sensation of the windshield SLAMMING through her face...

Mercedes: And the steering wheel PUNCHING through her chest!

Tears began to fill my eyes. My director put a comforting hand on my shoulder, telling me that he'd call someone to take me home, but I pushed him away and fled from the room, stumbling blindly into the warm spring night.

Mercedes: I'm BLIIIIIIIIIIND!! AHHHHHHHHH!!

How could this have happened? Gloria was the one person in my life who had mattered; the one person who loved me and cared about me in this heartless world. She was my only friend, and she had offered me more kindness than my pitiful parents ever could have. And now, she was gone.

Mercedes: No more dyke action for you.

For the first time in my life, I became truly aware of death. It happened to Gloria. It could happen to me.

Yu: We wish it would.

Death was inevitable. It would take me someday, and I knew not when or how. I felt utterly alone, and for once in my life, afraid.
I stumbled on, not caring where my leaden feet took me. Tears still formed in my eyes; my heart was trampled and broken.
As I turned the corner of a street in the old French Quarter, I became chillingly aware that I was not alone.

Yu: Lestat needs to hang out in different places.

Mercedes: Yeah its like, 'Hey we need to give Lestat a wedgie. I know, lets go check the French Quarter!!'

A/N: End of chapter one! Chapter two shall soon follow, but not until I get some reviews! ^_^

Mercedes: I would rather hang myself with my underwear then review this thing seriously.

Yu: Amen.