Have you ever wondered what kind of toasters large corporations would be capable of making? Probably not .......... Oh well. Humor me and read it anyway, Okay?

Apple
If Apple made toasters, they would do everything the Microsoft toasters do, but 5 years earlier.

CostCo
If CostCo made toasters, they'd be really cheap, as long as you bought them by the six-pack.

Cray
If Cray made toasters, they would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

DEC
Does DEC still make toasters? They made good toasters in the '80's, didn't they?

Fisher-Price
If Fisher-Price made toasters, "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-In-The-Box.

Franklin Mint
If the Franklin Mint made toasters, every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.

Hewlett-Packard
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters, they would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you untoasted bread. [NOTE: This is not a "Pollock" joke, it is a reference to "Reverse Polish Notation", a way of entering math problems into a calculator. Though it seems obscure, I understand it is a very effecient way to enter problems once you learn it...]

IBM
If IBM made toasters, they would want one big toaster where people submit bread for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five or six toasters.

Microsoft
If Microsoft made toasters, every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a new toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough current to power a small city, take up to 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft's toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

NSA
Is the NSA made toasters, your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get to your toast for national security reasons.

Oracle
If Oracle made toasters, they'd claim their toasters were compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

ParcPlace
If ParcPlace made toasters, their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

Radio Shack
If Radio Shack made toasters, the staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

Rand Corporation
If the Rand Corporation made toasters, they would be large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Every morning there would be a piece or toast on top of each toaster. Rand's service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the toaster would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would air an episode about it.

Sony
If Sony made toasters, the ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it was meant to toast, could be conveniently attached to your belt.

Sun
If Sun made toasters, the toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Tandem
If Tandem made toasters, you could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

Texas Instruments
If Texas Instruments made toasters, they would be the world's most reliable and sophisticated toasters. They would customize your toast, based on your voice commands. They would have a vocabulary consisting of every bread-related word in the world. They would be able to accurately spell and describe each of these words and they'd be able to translate these words into any language known to man. Unfortunately, TI would never be able to market their toaster because Marketing and Engineering would never agree on the product name that would please Corporate Headquarters. After five preproduction runs, TI manufacturing would place the product on permanent hold. The existing toasters would be sold in-house at one tenth the original cost ($798,000 per toaster).

Thinking Machines
If Thinking Machines made toasters, they would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

Timex
If Timex made toasters, they would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

University of Waterloo
If the University of Waterloo made toasters, they would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

Xerox
If Xerox made toasters, you could toast single-sided or double-sided bread and each successive slice would be lighter that the one before. The toaster would jam your bread for you.