If You Like Pina Coladas... The Book

If You Like Pina Coladas...The Humor and Weirdness of Personal Ads

Hilarious and bizarre real personal ads and occasional commentary. Don't slog through the hundreds of boring personal ads in your hometown paper looking for the few gems. Here's all the keepers, selected by a highly-trained expert from 100,000 (no lie!) ads from all over the U.S.A.

They're all here -- the poems, the alliterative ads, the bizarre requests ("You must possess the qualities of Jesus and Sting combined."), the most mis-used word in the personals ("eclectic"), the crazy comparisons ("I am like a car, I am like a bottle of wine, I am like a Ayn Rand novel"), the unfortunate typos and more more more! Highly recommended if you're thinking of placing a personal ad! Makes great bathroom reading!

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Tasty Samples!

Theme Ads: Here’s a couple samples of some of the most popular theme ads – Sure one is funny, but imagine a whole page of ads where people describe themselves as cars!

Wicked Game - Wicked SWM, 35, into fetish vampires, seeks female gothic angel, blessed and cursed, feared and adored, to share the mist, to discuss the unthinkable.

Cockroaches fascinate me, as do men who scuttle about passionately on thin legs, investigating time, space, thought, food with dogged determination. This sophisticated, striking, 40-ish, pseudo-entomologist seeks the perfect specimen: tall, dark, wingless but ready to fly.

For sale - 1968 model white guy. Running on all cylinders, very attractive exterior, a real eye catcher. Low miles. Runs like new! Driver confident in turns. Perfect for moonlit drives in the country or be-bopping around town on a Saturday night. Not a guzzler. Backfires once in a while, but can be controlled. Once you take a test drive, you’ll want to take him home with you. Act fast - this baby won’t be on the lot for long. Will even trade for like model.

TV Show
X-Phile - Statuesque Scully seeks Mulder to continue the search on the dark side of Dallas. Looking for aliens, vampires, evil twins and metal nose implants. Staying away from geeks and humanoid leeches. The truth is out there. So am I!

For lease: 1966 Single, 6'2" ceilings, blond/blue decor, charming and attractive atmosphere, perfect for SWF, 25-30, month-to-month lease with option to buy.

Use of song and movie titles in the ad headers is common, but a few ads maximize the technique. Here’s an ad comprised of 70s disco titles:

Free & Single - Be the Flashlight in my Disco Inferno! I am a SF, 22, ISO a Dr. Boogie to help me Turn the Beat Around. Not built like a Brick House (Knock on Wood); not looking for any Sucker MCs or Superfreaks, just someone who’s Staying Alive. Let the Music Play.

Even nihilists need love:

SW Male, 40, seeks lifemate to help dig foxholes, make bombs, forage abandoned cities, determine which mutant plants are edible, clean and load machine guns, lay booby traps and stitch flesh. Cause Armageddon won't be any fun to face alone.

Another favorite ad-type of mine -- the advertiser demands that the respondent be a combination of at least three people.

Attractive SWF (26 y.o.) ISO SWM (25-31 y.o.) who is a cross between Mickey Rourke, Ward Cleaver and Ralph Nader.

Tall, Slender, Beautiful SWF,48, creative, professional, seeks easygoing, creative n/s S/DWM, 43-50 with the heart of Mother Theresa, the courageous dash of Erroll Flynn and the wit of Bill Murray.

Some of My Favorite Ads - In fairness, these ads appealed more to my sense of humor than my sense of romance.

Seeking clone of last girlfriend (as she was of the one before her) to help me re-enact lifetime of co-dependent behavior. SWM, 38, hair, eyes, etc.

Box 6131 - To the 57 men who answered my ad, I am now a lesbian.

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