For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
Varsity Chess Team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead
and try it. I called and made an appointment with someone named Tanya, who
said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
Day 1. They suggest that I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my
progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 A.M. Tough to get up, but
worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me.
She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that my heart rate was so high, but I
think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about 20 points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the
whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made
it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the
air. Then she put weights on it for crying out loud!!! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all
worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that
I have developed a hernia in both of my pectorals. Driving was okay as long
as I didn't steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon. Tanya was a little
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered fucking
obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would
make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was a half-hour late, it took me that long just to tie
my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbells. Not a fucking chance, Tanya! The
word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she
sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.
It sank!
Day 5. Tanya. That vicious, sadistic bitch! I hate Tanya more than
any human being has ever hated any human being in the history of the planet.
If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it.
HARD!!! She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I
have news for you Tanya, you stupid bitch! I don't have triceps!!! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any fucking dumbells either!
I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage! YOU went to sadist
school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like a music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am.
I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over with! Maybe next
year my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth
drilling at the dentist's office.