29 december 1999
10:55pm
"...when you stop dreaming it's time to die"

i've been thinking a lot about alaska recently. thinking maybe that's where i want to be after i graduate. somewhere on the southern coast, possibly the kenai peninsula or somewhere near juneau. my feelings about this are scattered; alaska is beautiful and i'd love to go back and spend some more time there, but i have a feeling that being somewhere warmer may be more for me. i also wonder about the feasibility of an outdoor school running for the full school year, with the winter darkness and such. and i have to question my motives- i have a feeling this may also be a response to the need to get away- far away- from life as it is presently. montana has also entered my thoughts recently, though i don't recall all that much about my time there. i know that much of it is beautiful and open and remote, and i think that's what i'm looking for. but i must also remind myself that montana is nowhere near the pacific, an ocean near to my heart which i always have believed i'd live close to. though keeping with my recent need for change, maybe montana holds what i desire. at any rate, it appears as though my heart has voted for not being in california come may 29. it's unfortunate that only california has really seen the light of outdoor education though- california alone has more outdoor schools than the total of the other 49 states. it makes it difficult to choose a path in outdoor education yet not be in california.

one drastic change i could make presented itself today: matt told me that i should live with him in france next year. i would love to live with matt, i would love to be in france. however, the chances of me finding an experiental education job in france while not speaking a word of french seem pretty slim. ah, it's time to digress. i had a wonderful time catching up with matt today over good vegetarian food in berkeley. he and i haven't spent any quality time together for over a year. and it's so refreshing how open and honest we can be with each other, about our lives and our feelings and our concerns. i always come away from conversations with matt with things a bit clearer, my eyes opened wider to new thoughts and ideas. matt challenges me yet reinforces me at the same time. i'm still amazed at the friendship we built after meeting partway into my senior year of high school. i am truly lucky to have him in my life, for he is an incredible, beautiful person. to sum it up: matt rocks my world.

it was good to spend time with matt today, because i was thinking last night how disappointed i've been feeling with some of my friends lately. i don't want to get into it too much, because complaining about it doesn't solve anything. there are just certain people in my life who i wish were a bit more attentive to my feelings, who would contribute to our relationship as much as i do. though i won't keep myself blameless: i should definitely be reaching out to people this break more than i have. nonetheless, changes need to occur (there is a continual theme of a need to change in my life right now).

11:24pm