**THE GIRLS**

This guy John asked me out and I said yes, Thinking he was funny in a 
quirky kind of way.  But after talking to him on the phone, I realized 
he wasn't quirky-he was a total freak!  I really didn't want to be alone 
with this guy, so I arranged for one of my guy friends, Brendan, to go 
to the restaurant we were going to.  As soon as we sat down, my friend
walked by and I said, "Brendan, what a coincidence!  Hey, why don't you
eat with us?  You don't mind, do you John?"  John just kind of shrugged 
and I talked to Brendan, like, the whole time.  It was harsh, but at 
least I didn't make John pay for Brendan's meal.

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A friend of my cousin called to ask me out. I really didn't want to 
go, but I felt weird dissing him.  Of course, right after we made a 
date, I found out there was going to be an awesome party on the same 
night. I totally wanted to go to the party, so that night, I called 
him and pretended to be sick.  He believed my bogus tale, and I headed 
out.  Well, 10 minutes after I got to the party, I ran into my cousin-
with his friend!  It was the worst.  He looked really bummed and just 
said, "Feeling better, huh?"  I felt horrible.

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This older college guy who I met at a party asked me out.  We only 
talked for, like, two minutes, but he was cute, so I said yes.  He took 
me out to a nice restaurant and things seemed like they were going 
pretty well.  Then he started talking...and talking...and talking.  He 
must have mentioned that he was going to Harvard at least 20 times.  It
was making me sick.  When he yelled at the waitress for messing up our 
order, I knew I had to get out of there.  So I calmly excused myself 
and said I had to use the bathroom.  I casually walked past the bathroom, 
out the door, and straight to the nearest pay phone to call my mom and
ask her to pick me up.  The jerk never even called to find out what 
happened.  He was so self-absorbed, he probably didn't even notice that 
I left.

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I was working in this law office one summer, and every day I had to 
call this guy assistant at the firm's other office to get info for my 
boss.  After a while, we got pretty friendly.  On my last day of work, 
he asked me to go out for coffee.  I said sure and asked him how I'd 
recognize him.  He said he looked kind of like Jamie Kennedy.  Needless
to say, I was pretty psyched to hear that.  As I pulled into the parking 
lot, I saw this guy get out of a car who did look like Jamie Kennedy-
with a gigantic potbelly and really greasy hair!  I totally panicked.
I put the car in reverse and went straight home.  I know it was mean,
but the guy looked really gross.

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**THE GUYS**

I wasn't really into this girl I was dating, but she was really into me.
I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I told her that my parents didn't 
want me to date anyone who wasn't Jewish.  It was a total lie, but she 
seemed to take it pretty well.

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I went to the movies with this girl who I Kind of liked.  The wholecar 
ride, she asked questions about my best friend Kevin.  It was ridiculous.  
Even after we sat down, she kept talking about him.  It was so obvious 
that she was just trying to get to him through me, so I told her I was
going to get some popcorn and just left her there at the theater!  She
was pretty pissed the next day at school, but I didn't really care.

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When I got to the house to pick up this girl I really didn't feel like 
going out with, I immediately asked if I could use her bathroom.  While 
she stood right near the door, I made these really loud barfing noises, 
then told her I was too sick to go out that night.  I walked to my car 
holding my stomach and drove away with a huge smile.