Disclaimer: If I owned Dawson's Creek and some of its assorted quotes, "The Hardest Thing, " or Volvo, (that's for you, Jules!) then I'd be able to take my family to Spago every night.
Author's Note: Thoughts, flashbacks, and something to show that a word is being enunciated are in **, so you'll have to figure that one out on your own. Also, this is set when the gang is 23.
Author's Note #2 (ALL OTHER AUTHORS PLEASE READ): This totally
and completely came from my own imagination, so if there's a part of your
story that somehow got into mine, it's purely coincidental, so please
don't send me hate mail! Someone did it to me and I was completely
unaware I had used some of her story in mine, and she was extremely harsh
and rude about it. So if you feel the need, please make it non
threatening!
Josephine Potter sighed and pushed the "on" button
controlling her radio in her Volvo station wagon. Joey violently pressed the button again to turn the radio off.
"Cheesbally song from the 90's, anyway, " she muttered.
But, in truth, the only reason why she was so "over-emotional,
" if you will, over a 98 Degrees song, is because it reminded her of
Dawson. It reminded her of the face he wore forever after she declared
her undying, so-called unforgiveness for his actions.
Why did she have to be so cruel to him? She later realized that it
was *Dawson* she had gotten upset with. He was only doing what he
thought was right. And look what he got, a broken heart and a ruined
life.
She had seen him in the halls and she knew that she was the cause of
his pain. She could have blamed it on his father's relationship with
Miss Kennedy or his mother's new job in Philadelphia…but she knew. She
knew like she had always known. Joey knew that what he was going through
was her fault and…it hurt her, too.
Later, after she had realized her wrong doing, all she wanted to do
was swallow her pride and beg that Dawson take her back. But being…well,
herself, she was too afraid of rejection. She had hurt Dawson beyond
human understanding-more than once-and she wouldn't blame him if she
wasn't welcomed back with open arms. What if he didn't want her anymore?
She couldn't stand anymore pain or heartbreak.
God, how she hated her father for selling drugs again. Just because
of it, one of his competitors threw a pipe bomb in the Icehouse and
burned some of it down. Dawson told her to get out of the flames…he had,
yet again, saved her. And what was her form of gratitude? Throwing him
into a different kind of fire.
A fire where you can't get out, where the burning flames are tugging
at your heart. The only way you can stop it is by putting it out
yourself. Dawson couldn't do that…it would hurt him even more. He hadn't
come out yet. Poor Dawson had been suffering under the proverbial flames
for seven years, and by this time, was burned to a crisp…but he was still
there.
Joey had gone to Richmond Community College-not University of
Richmond, like her cousin, Erin, had attended, but Richmond Community.
She had applied to all the art schools out there, but hadn't been
accepted to one. Suffering under the burden of a criminal father and a
restaurant that was trying to be rebuilt, her grades dropped
significantly.
The improved Icehouse had just been finished the previous year, and
now that there were new decorations and the like, business was booming.
Bessie seemed a little happier compared to the years before…but there was
still the fact that her father hadn't changed.
In their freshman year of college, Dawson didn't come back to Capeside
for his holiday break. When Joey realized this, she snuck into his room
and watched his interview with her father. And as she watched this film
project so intently, she began to cry. It was *her* fault that
Dawson didn't get into a good film school so that he could follow his
dream. She had broken his heart, and he spent so much time analyzing
their relationship, (or lack thereof), that he got his priorities messed
up.
She had screwed him up.
Yet again. Andie McPhee smiled weakly at the minister as she walked into the
funeral parlor. It was her first funeral since…well, since Abby had
died.
God, it was Abby's death that started the chain reaction. She started
visualizing Tim again and that's what made Jack call their father. Her
father persuaded her to go back to Providence, and that traumatized
Pacey.
It was that event that made Pacey downcast…that event that made Pacey
push everyone away. If she hadn't of visualized Tim, then Pacey might
still be alive.
It was all her fault.
"You may be feeling as if it's your fault, Andie, but it's not.
" Andie turned around and faced her brother.
"Yes, it is, Jack, " she insisted, her eyes brimming with
huge tears. "If I didn't belong in a looney bin during my years as a
teenager, then Pacey might still be alive right now! "
"But, And, it's happened. There's nothing we can do now except
hope that Pacey is happy right now. Because you know what, Andie? "
Jack gestured for her to sit down on a bench and after she did, he slid
in next to her.
"What, Jack? " Tears spilled over Andie's face.
"He's watching over you, and, " Jack put his arm around his
sister, "he's happy. "
"You really think so, Jack? "
"Andie…you've overcome your manic depression against all the
odds. You still loved me even after I came out of the closet, so to
speak. And remember how you shaped Pacey up? You did more for him in
six months than his family did in 16 years. " (Amanda's Note: it's
only my personal diagnosis that Andie has manic depression-also known as
being bi-polar-but my aunt has it and I have an exceptional knowledge of
the illness, so consider it…semi-professional).
"I…I just hope he's happier… " Andie whispered. *God dammit, Pacey, why'd you leave me?* Dawson lamented as he
entered the funeral parlor. He bit his lip to fight back the tears that
had been uncried for so long, but one escaped his eye.
"Dawson. " He twirled around and came face to face with
Andie, her eyes red and puffy. "Come sit down. "
"Why'd he leave us, Andie, why? " he asked her irrelevantly,
tears dripped down his face. "I always lose everything, don't I?
Maybe I'm cursed or something, because I always seem to lose everything I
love. I lost my parents. Then I lost Joey and now I lost Pacey. I
just…God, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I've screwed up, I
know that…but I never thought it would be enough to just want to die to
get rid of the pain… "
"Dawson, you know that things will, someday, shape up, "
Jack reassured him. "I know how numbing the pain of hating yourself
is, but it goes away, I promise. "
"My parents promised me they'd always love me…Pacey promised he'd
never leave me and Joey promised she'd never hurt me. I've learned my
lesson about trusting people with their promises, Jack…I've learned never
to trust someone in gigantic proportions because they'll break it.
And…and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to forgive myself for
not figuring that out soon enough, because that's why I'm as
brokenhearted as I am. Because I trusted them too much. I trusted my
parents and I trusted Pacey and…I
trusted Joey. That's why I hate myself most, because I trusted Joey.
" Dawson shut his eyes tightly and tears streamed down his cheeks.
"This must be one of the first times you've cried in years. Am I
right, Dawson? " Andie observed. When he nodded, she gave him a
reassuring hug.
"Jack won't break his promise, Dawson, I swear on my life.
Seeing you in this much pain makes me wonder if there's room for anymore
to be pushed in. "
"There is, Andie…my God, there is. " Joey stepped carefully into the funeral parlor. The last time she had
been there was for Abby's funeral…Abby died the night she and Dawson got
back together. Dammit! Everywhere she turned, there was something to
remind her of him.
Joey knew Dawson must be devastated that Pacey died. She wished she
could help him like he helped her with her mother's death…Joey wished she
could repay the deed.
But what she had said had been said, and however much she wished she
could, Joey couldn't take back her harsh words. She closed her eyes and
pictured Dawson's brokenhearted face when she told him off… "What I
have to say, you're not going to like, so I'll say it quickly. I hope one
day that I'll be able to forgive my father for all of this, and I don't
know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself, but I know that I will never
forgive you. See, Dawson, there are certain circumstances that love can
not overcome and from now on…I don't want to know you. "
Joey's words replayed in her head as huge tears flowed down her
cheeks. She sank into the nearest seat and buried her hands in her head.
*I'm sorry, Dawson…God, I'm so sorry…*
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
**********
**********
**********
Okay, people, I'm dying to know what you think...I've worked really hard
on this and "Stand By Me" and probably will continue to do so
on the next installment...so if I don't get feedback, I don't know, I
might pull a Dr. Evil and threaten to blow up the world or
something...
Email Amanda
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