If I were in Charge of the World

No one would make fun of me when I mention Lawrence Welk. Or liking polkas. Malls in Louisville would contain hair places that are actually interested in having customers...in the near future even...not two and half hours from when I walk in. Which would have been just after the mall closed. I wonder if they were trying to tell me something. I would ban giant nose zits. I would never accidentally forget to change the tape speed on my vcr and only end up with half a mystery science theater episode. I would have never met anyone If I were in charge of the world, meringue would be outlawed. At least on top of lemon pie. All people would be required to be trained in the correct pronunciation of nuclear. Everyone would also be informed that the correct pronunciation of specific is not "pacific". Newscasters would be informed that "social security" is still two words. There would be no meat sauce in vegetarian subs, no steamed scrambled eggs and No gravy available ON ANYTHING. People who cannot speak (mostly Sarah and I) would be given their own tv shows, replacing all Billy Graham Crusades, the 700 Club and touched by an Angel. Bath products would be free and sanctioned by the government as a necessity. Athletes, actors, politicians, televangelists, pastry chefs, clothing designers and basically everyone else but me would stop being so damn overpaid. My favorite jeans would magically contract or expand to fit me no matter how big or small I got. I would ban those compliation cd commercials that play incessantly, over and over throughout your favorite program, infecting your head with snippets of songs that you would normally pay to have destroyed. Does anyone really want to pay to hear "Laughter in the Rain"? Or the "Pina colada Song"? If I ran the world I'd take up a collection to have all copies of these songs destroyed, and all people who know the words or music brainwashed. Mystery Science Theater would be back to its "glory days" schedule of 4pm and 10pm on Saturdays. Leg-shaving would go the way of the corset. (meanwhile I just shaved my legs... I'm such a hypocrite. And I got a nasty gash because of it.) I would have a room and vacation days permanently reserved for the second week of October so I could go to Panama City and lounge in and around the ocean. I would ban fish from swimming within 10 feet of me. Dead fish must stay at least 40 miles away. Flopping fish would probably kill me. I'd be able to find some more of those nifty black candles that smell like aftershave.