I sit sometimes and just ponder...I havent slept but two hours in the last 48
hours....I've been sitting, laying......being still....listening....thinking...and the more I
sit, the more I realize....I cant help but watch the world go round.....while I am
still.....chaos all around me......my life seems so surreal...for example....I have been
accusing my boyfriend of lying about everything...because my womenly instincts
tell me he is...but he has denied it for the past three weeks...we decided to "take a
break" two weeks ago because I couldnt trust him and it was making us fight all the
time.....so we arent "together" as of right now...but we are still committed to
eachother...anyway, he had asked me to do something with him
yesturday...because we have only seen eachother once in the last three weeks and
we both know if we wanna work things out in our "relationship" we have to get
together and talk....he called and told me he was going out with his dad for dinner
and to watch a hockey game afterwards...which I thought was a bit strange seeing
his dad moved away last week...but I went along with it because I so wanted to
trust him....but it turns out he was out with the friends he insists he doesnt talk
to....the one and only thing I ask of people is that they be honest with me!...is that
to much to ask? If he had told me he was going out with those people...I would
have been disappointed...but I would have realized that it was a good thing that he
told the truth...so it would have been fine...but instead he lied...that isnt even what
pisses me off most....the fact that he choose those "friends" over me, the girl he is
supposed to love....blows my mind.....when your boyfriend/girlfriend lies to you
constaintly does it mean they dont love you?..I tend to think so...so I've been going
over and over it in my head...does he love me?...was this whole relationship a
lie?....when did I loose control?...the last three months of my life becomes sort of
like a movie of the week...playing in my head...like I'm not involved in it at
all.....the fact that I just lost the person I have given my heart to for the last three
months isnt what hurts me....it's that I wasted those months being so blind....I
honestly didnt care to much about what he was doing when he wasnt with me
because I had my life and he had his....our relationship was more like an
extraciricular activity...I excepted that...but I always thought or hoped rather that I
had a handle on the whole thing.....that I was running the relationship not the
relationship running me...but I was wrong...so absolutly wrong...Matt's lies were
running everything....and the sadest part is, I think he lies so much it becomes his
reality...he doesnt understand that he is fake...he becomes the lie...I can move
on...I think I already have....but I have memories...the one evil little monster that
doesnt care if you feel like shit....it'll torture you anyway...so in the end I haven
really lost anything...but gained more useless memories that I dont care to
remember....
Males are so damn frustrating...and goddess knows we dont need them....I havent had
to many pop in and out of my life in the last few years...and I guess I had forgotten
what it was like to date...I now remember what I liked so much about being single
and not looking....I hold onto the hope that I will fall in love again someday....until
then I'm gonna stay as far away from males as I can...females too for that matter....