Today was Brian's 20th birthday...I didnt have money to buy him anything special...so I decided to make him a chocolate chip ice cream cake... I spent forever trying to get everything just right...and it turned out well...I was excited to give it to him because I thought he'd really enjoy it...Tara took me out for coffee while we waited for Brian get home from work...I was calling every 15 minutes and when I got home I assumed he haddent come home yet...I noticed his school bag and a card he got from the people at work was here...but there was no note from him saying where he was...I called Matt's house and Mark (Matt's brother)told me they had gone to Susan's (Matt's girlfriend) house...I called there and talked to Brian...he said he'd be home in an hour...then I asked to talk to Matt...I told him I had made Brian a cake and thought that we should have it tonight because we were going to Brians mom's the next day, I also mentioned that I had to get up early to go to my grandfathers so I was hoping to go to bed around 12(it was 11 at the time of the call)and Matt said: "Not tonight...I'M going to be longer than that"...what the fuck, this was HIS birthday?...I spend 4 hours on a goddamn cake and it has to wait because he says so...I was so pissed but mostly hurt... I ended up crying in my bed till they got home at 1:30am...when I brought out the cake they were both just blah about it...like it wasnt anything special..which maybe it wasnt just at least I tried... it took me alot of time and energy to get it just right and Brian just shruged it off...which of course hurt me more...we went on to have a huge fight...we went to bed at 6:30am...

My dad picked me up to go to my grandfathers around 12 and informed me that the easter plant I got my mom was to be given to my grandfather...which really hurt...and frankly is really tacky!!... I am so invisable...no one thanks me or realizes the time and effort that goes into the things I do for them...I'm over looked again and again...

Brian's parents and I dont get along...there is alot of animosity between us...alot of things I hold against them...alot of things I said when I was young and in alot of pain they as adults took offence to..."adults" should act like "adults" and they didnt in alot of ways ...it's something I dont like to talk about and I wont explain it now ...but they did alot of things to hurt me purposely...that is the bottom line...anyway, they were having a birthday supper for Brian and I hate being in their presents but I sucked it up and decided I would come because it was for Brian...the evening wasnt bad and I made it without problems....

I'm really disappointed in Matt and Tara right now...Matt didnt get Brian anything for his birthday but he did...eat with the family today ...shared in the cake and told Brian's mom what to get him...which of course was what he wanted...Brian wanted to have a couple people over to celebrate his birthday...he invited Matt and Susan... Matt shows up at 11:45pm and sits at the computer and plays the new game Brian got...*grr*...he claims he's gonna take Brian to Toronto...but not to buy him anything(like we had assumed)...just drive him so that he can buy himself stuff...he could have AT LEAST bought him a card...it isnt AT ALL like he's broke...ignorant fucker ...Tara didnt bother to get him anything either...she said she'd get up and come shopping with me twice...and when I called she wouldnt come to the phone, she was sleeping...she had money and time, yet she made a conscience choice NOT to get him anything...goddamnit...I'm not saying they should have gotten him a gift...I mean I couldnt even afford to do that...but I did something, even though it went virtually unnoticed, I know I did what I could to make his birthday better...a CARD...something, anything!...and tonight while we're lying in bed...he asks me why we dont have any friends...all I can say is "people are assholes, we dont want to have friends anyway, don't worry about it"...I know he's hurt...he knows the friends we do have dont give a shit about us...my heart totally breaks for him... he deserves SO much more than that..*grr*...I am so angry!..it feels so shitty to know that the people around you dont care...NICE FUCKEN FRIENDS!

Now that I've gotten myself all pissed off I dont even want to write anymore!