hmm...where to start off for today...I am a horrible person...I must be...I got so mad at Brian today that I nearly kicked the shit out of him...it was over something so petty and insignificant...we were getting along so well and my bad temper ruined it...I just completely fly off the handle sometimes and the closest person to me always gets hurt....I love Brian to death I really do, but he knows how to "push my buttons" and he does it just to make me mad enough to hit him because when I do he wins the fight...no matter what the fight is about, who's right or wrong suddenly doesnt matter after I go psycho...and inevitably hit him...I know it's wrong and I know how it feels to be hit...I didnt like it...I am now just as bad as the people who hit me...I hate that about myself...*sigh*....

I was laying in bed thinking crazy things...like always....but I was thinking about one of my ex boyfriends...Jordan....he was my bestfriend in grade 10...we dated for about three months, which isnt very long but it seemed it....actually I think about him a lot, not everyday but enough...I think about how I ruined our relationship because I pushed him away, about how he opened my eyes to things like my bi-sexuality and masturbation....I showed him a lot too and sometimes he gives me credit for it...he is the only ex that I miss from time to time and really wish I haddent lost contact with...I still see him every once in a while downtown and he's doing very well....we don't talk when we do see eachother...other than a quick hello...but he knows I miss and love him dearly...after analyzing that relationship I came to a BIG realization about why all my relationships have failed...I am a "mental masochist", I push people away that get too close to me and when it's over I am overcome by emotion and eventually become depressed....I somehow must enjoy melodrama...I take the blame for all my friendships and relationships failing, well not all but most...I don't understand why it is exactly that I push people away, why I subconsciously love to be hated, why hurting myself has become such a prevalent indulgence in my life...why, why, why?...

I'm so sick of playing "victim"...not that I do it on purpose...but my role in life is to be the victim...on the other hand I am not a "victim", but an instigator...who stands up for what she believes in, strong minded, strong willed...who the hell am I? Too many questions, too few answers!