I am SO angry right now...I am so damn tired of not being what other people want me to be.....I AM WHO I AM DAMNIT!!! and if you don't like it FUCK you all to hell....nothing I do is ever good enough...nothing I say is right...goddamn how could anyone be as flaw as I appear to be?...*GRRR*...what do you people want from me? You want me to live MY life the way you tell me to?...I cant do that...maybe that's why everything you think I do wrong seems so wrong....cause it isnt how you want me to be...I'm fucked in the head, I'm unhappy, I'm self abusive, I hate males, I make bad choices sometimes blah blah blah....it's really too bad that you don't like those things about me...but if you cant deal with who I am then leave me alone...I didnt ask for you to love me...I didnt ask for anything from you that you didnt offer first.....Seems I've found the catch....havent I?...you're all only happy when I do what you aprove of...."don't speak, cause if I don't like it I'll ignore you"...."don't complain about what I provide you, you're only here because I allow you to be"...so what you all ask of me is that I keep my BIG OPINIONATED MOUTH SHUT and pretend that I'm ok with eveything....like the good little bitch you want me to be...NO, that isnt who I am and you knew that from the beginning...so go away all of you....if you cant accept me for who I am, the choices I make, the things I say, the things I feel...than just fucken turn around and go cause I don't need that shit from any of you!!!

*Sigh*....I feel sick and exhausted....drained is a better word....I was so angry before and now it's all just turned to hurt...when I'm hurt I get mad and when I'm mad, I cry...I dunno why I'm so fucked up....

I vented for a bit while I was writing the first journal entry...it's funny how my feelings just sorta go away after a while...I'm still mad or hurt or whatever...but I stop feeling...I become numb.....

I went out for coffee with Tara tonight...it really just makes me feel more of whatever emotion has taken over me at the moment...I don't understand why when I'm with her I suddenly become invisible...no one knows I'm alive when she's with me...the focus is always on her...that has always boggled my mind...she has this way of making people "love" and "adore" her...she flirts like mad and it just really makes me sick...she played (and still does sometimes) with me that way...but she is so transparent...males are so blind to things like that...a cute girl pays them a little attention and they go crazy and fall in love...*GAG*...goddamn people are so utterly pathetic...Tara and I have a little game that we play...it's so sad that we are still so grade 3ish about it but it's something we've always done and probably always will...we try to (I think its subconscience) somehow out do the other...she's always outdone me when it comes to boys (and girls for that matter), which never bothered me because I'm not boy/sex crazed...I sit back and watch it all unfold, watch her valiant effort and the way it kicks her in the ass afterwards...it's all very disgusting...anyway, it isnt clear what it is we're "competing" for this time, but I'm sure it'll appear soon...I'm really waiting for her to start a relationship with another girl...just because she claims she doesnt want one...I know in time she'll spring that on me and geez, what would I do...laugh I suppose...be hurt...I dunno....*sigh*...

I know you were all waiting for my "relationship" with Shanna to crash and burn....cause as you know nothing good ever stays in my life for long...I'm trying with all my might to push her away...damnit I hate myself for it!...I feel she just doesn't understand me, who I am really....I guess my main reason for pushing her away is that I don't think I have anything to offer her...I don't think I'll be able to live up to her expectations....I'm a "downtown" kid without an education, without money, with nothing but my undirected creativity...I cant understand what she sees in me because I cant see anything in myself....maybe I should talk to her about this.....