I always have trouble starting this off...how do you start a journal entry which will contain your inner most thoughts and can be viewed by half the world?...

Well...my father and I went job hunting today...I really hate doing it...why hasnt a job just landed in my lap?...it's a little naive of me to hope jobs will come to me...anyway, while we were in Niagara Falls we stopped at my aunts grave....it was the first time I had been there since she was buried in October...I know that she suffered for years with cancer and that she's (hopefully) in a better place now, but I still have a hard time with the fact that she's actually gone...I will never see her again....I don't believe in "god" but I find myself hoping that she is being taken care of by the "god" she believed in all those years....it brings tears to my eyes to be thinking about her now....even though I think about her daily, expressing it outwardly is really hard...she and I were very close when I was growing up and I know she cared about me tons, but during her illness I was really scared of getting close to her because I thought if I stayed away, when she died it wouldnt hurt so much...but I look back on my selfishness and it really hurts...it must have hurt her so much that I couldnt bare to see her suffer, that I couldnt move past my own fears to comfort hers....when my dad called me to say she had passed away I was numb for the first couple of days...but as soon as I saw her at the viewing it hit really hard...seeing all the peple who's lives she touched, like she had mine....I cried.....it seemed like I cried non stop for days...and I did...I have never felt loss the way I did when she was gone...she never smoked or drank... never raised her voice...she was always a devote christian...why do people like her have to die and suffer so horribly?...my dad wants me to write her a memorial for the anniversary of her death...but I don't think poetry could illustrate all she has done for me and so many others...but I'll try....

Kinda sad entry today...sorry...my loneliness has taken it's toll I guess.......

lots of love,
Missa