*Wednesday, March 18, 1998 (12:15am)*
I slept all day today...13 hours straight....I feel better then I have in a long time...I
am finally doing something with my time other than religiously chatting on IRC.....I
like being out of my house...my life seems more real....being part of society...I dont
have the will to die all thought I havent found my passion for life....which I suppose
is a start....Matt hasnt been on my mind at all today with the exception of
wondering when he's going to pick up his stuff....I erased all my DalNet servers and
dropped our channel last night...part of my healing and moving on process...I need
to get away from all those people that hurt me....I need to stop my obsession with
the IRC...then I can begin to become "human" again...not just words and sentence
strung together....with only the very few emotions that can be convayed on a
screen...I am so much more than that....I am gaining strenght now...seeing things in
myself I havent seen before....I catch myself smiling and for once it feels good...I
feel almost on the verge of being happy....I feel free..unrestricted...I am relying on
no one but myself for strengh...I mean I still depend on my closest friends for
support...but I dont need anyone to make me happy...which I know was my reason
for dating Matt....probably the reason it didnt work out also...but I've learned my
lesson and now I must move on...I am no longer angry with Matt...I cant be...I
must have done something he felt justified his lying...Lying is one of his faults and
over reacting is one of mine...together they cause problems....it seems as though I
am trying in my own way to justify his actions to myself.....lessening the blow I
suppose....but in reality I have to take some responsibility in the situation...lying is
never justified...but can sometimes be understood......
*Aarti: I think I'm starting to see the things you do in me...who knew? :) *