*Friday March 20, 1998 (5:18am)*
My day once again was uneventful...I slept till 5...I didnt get anything done but I
am well rested..which always helps....I spent alot of time alone
tonight...thinking...pondering life...my exsistance...who I am...who I could be...who
I want to be...what I want from others...what others want from me...I know I want
to be me...just not in this dark hole I've dug for myself...it has taken me years to
get where I am...years of selfdestruction....self abuse...most of all I allowed myself
to regress back to childhood in so many ways...I grew up but fell back into
childhood rituals...I taught myself to hate and distrust people...to push people away
if they got to close...I took on the role of mother because I thought I was supposed
to but secretly hated myself for be a "typical" girl....I as a women am supposed to
be mother, caregiver, provider, nurturer, selfless...I am not these things...nor will I
ever be...I have to except that and so do the people around me...I am and can be so
many other things...better things...all though I kick myself out of frustration alot of
the time because I am not a "typical" girl with "typical" teenage problems...I
wouldnt give up the things I am to become "typical"...when people judge me for
who I am...what I choose....what I feel...it really makes me reivaluate
myself...sometimes I start to believe with other people say...if you hear it enought
you start to believe it...should I have to pretend to be something I am not because
someone else isnt going to like it?....should I keep things from people because they
wont agree with my choice?...I dont think so...we should never be something we
arent...or change who we are because someone else says so!...we are such a weak
society damnit!!!...it hurts to be judged and looked down upon because of
something you are...but I have decided I dont care anymore...I am who I am...like
it or leave it!...I am surrounded by people that dont believe that....people are
constantly trying to change me....get a job...go to school....believe in god...do
something with your time....shave your legs...paint your nails...wear pretty girlie
clothes...lose weight...be happy...dont be so negative...blah blah blah !!...why the
hell would I want to be those things?...like everyone else...?....my spirit would be
lost if I was what others wanted...but I guess I should stop my ranting and raving
and get my sorry ass to bed!...goodnight (it's 7am) ha.....