CAPTAIN CRUNCH: Great stuff, but it shreds my gums to hell. The berries are good, but the rest sucks.
FRUIT LOOPS: This is a good one. Ya gotta love a cereal that makes you poop funny colors. Or maybe that’s just me... That damn toucan needs a beating.
FRUITY PEBBLES: Why can’t Fred and Barney share? The same goes for the kids and the Trix rabbit. And Lucky and the kids after his lucky charms. They're his lucky charms, so leave him alone! And people wonder why children are so violent these days. I really like Fruity Pebbles, but when I eat them, I get this icky gooey feeling on the roof of my mouth, and I gotta scrape it off with my finger. It’s a pain in the ass.
COCOA PEBBLES: Any cereals named after rocks should be immediately removed from the general population. Further more, I object to any cereal that changes the color of the milk. Chocolate is for desserts, really. Cocoa Puffs is An OK cereal that doesn’t want to make a commitment by adding chocolate marshmallows.
CHEERIOS: Nothing cheery about these things. Needs more sugar. What nutritious breakfast is all about. Tastes like cardboard, turns instantly soggy in milk, and there’s always that enormous quantity of cereal dust in the bottom of the box. Best part about it though, is that they got Gilbert Godfrey to be in one of their commercials. He’s the man.
FROSTED FLAKES: If you want my opinion, I think Tony the Tiger is a closet child molester. Why is he always so cheerful and supportive? They’re Grrrrrrrrreat! The chocolate ones suck sour frog ass.
APPLE JACKS: Good cereal, but they don’t taste like apples. Cinnamon? Why don’t you have some freaking oregano for breakfast?
FROSTED MINI WHEATS: They keep me regular. That’s crap, and it makes you puke. And they never give cool prizes in the box. What gives?
COCOA PUFFS: Cocoa puff? Who’s that, another rapper? A cocoa puff knocked one of my fillings out one time.
RICE KRISPIES: Rice Krispies gets a score of 3. But if it had cocaine in it, it would would get a 3,000,000! Hee hee! The marshmallow treats are great. Especially with chocolate syrup and milk. As a cereal, though, very boring. Those elves are dicks. I don’t want anything snap crackling and popping in my mouth!
And last, and certainly least,
MUESLIX: All I know about mueslix is that it spells xilseum. I don’t want to eat anything that I don’t know what it is. I had to eat them at my Grandmother’s, and I would’ve rather eaten a tapeworm. What am I? a freaking horse?
