Most people hate to get the answering machines when they're trying to get in touch with some one, but after you read this collection of messages, I'm sure you'll change your mind!

Caution: the following messages may be too goofy for some people, if you:
-have a low weird tolerance
-do not own a sense of humor
-are drinking milk
...it is not recommended that you read my page at this time

(Rap beat in background) __ and ___ are not at home Or maybe they just can't come to the phone If you're calling at night, we're prob'ly asleep, So please leave a message after the beep, After the beep, after the beep, Please leave a message after the beep.

One for exam time: {background music: Billy Joel's _Pressure_, very loud} Hi. You've reached Tom and Mark's room. We're a little busy now... {BJ screams "PRESSURE!!!"} So, leave a message and we'll get back to you after (exam end date) {BJ: "ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!!"}

Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now, but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close and we tell each other everything.

You have reached the number which you have dialled.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a message after you know what.

You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after the beep tone.

Hi, you know the drill.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this? (After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so please leave a message after the beep.

"Speak, worm!"

Just put on a recording of a busy signal.

The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number). -- try getting some voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like the phone company.

"Hi, we can't come to the phone right now. We've taken our Doberman Pincers to the vet to get their ears ewed back on. It seems the Pit Bulls were playing a little too rough. To punish them we have separated them and put one in the house and one in the yard. So if you're coming by, don't forget - they hate the door bell."

HANS: This is Hans. FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to... BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up. HANS: But we are not at home, you know. FRANZ: Ya, we are gone. HANS: If you want us to... BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up. HANS: You will leave a message after the beep. FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are girly-man. HANS: Ya, girly-man. And we don't talk to girly-man, you know. FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to... BOTH: Pump [CLAP] you up.

"I'm sorry. ____ and ____ cannot come to the phone right now." [sound of a laser tag sensor alarm going off] "Some of our genetic experiments have escaped the laboratory...." [sound of multiple screams and a laser tag gun shooting] If you're part of the problem, hang up now. If you're part of the solution, leave a message. (sounds of knocking on door, dog barking, child screaming)

(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message. (Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

"Uh, you can probably tell from the chaos (bark, bark) that you've--uh (knock, knock) reached Mark and Cheryl (dog growls)...MILES, KNOCK IT OFF! (Aggressive barking)...listen we can't talk...leave a message (child screams, doorbell rings)...and maybe one of the dogs will get back to you---NOT ON THE RUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(loud crashing noise; BEEEEP!)

Hello. You have reached {your name}. When you hear the beep please leave your name, number, best time to call you back, the temperature at the time of your call, your feelings on the current trade deficit, your favorite film directed by Alan Parker, and your message. Everyone not leaving all this information will not be called back. You have thirty seconds.

Don't EVER call me again!

Admit it! You have no IDEA who I am.

This is Madame Olga, I see all and know all. To whom am I speaking?

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if... Matt: Steve, what *are* you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, it's not. It's mine. Matt: No, you're totally wrong. It's definitely my turn. Steve: Come on! I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"Hello, I'm not here."

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

To the Batmobile! Let's go! Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Roger, ready to move out! As you can see, I'm off making Montreal a safer place' to live. So if you'll leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you as soon as justice is served. Bye-bye!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

(Star Wars "Imperial March" playing in background) Once again we rejoin our cosmic hero Captain Munch and his intrepid space dog, Puck, aboard the shuttle Discovery. All seems well in space, but suddenly and without warning a time hole opens and aliens from Planet X swarm through, using their death ray to blast a hole in the side of the ship! The crew struggles valiantly to close it off, but Captain Munch and Puck are swept through the opening and into the vast blackness of space! Will they be saved before they run out of oxygen, or will they be fried by evil aliens?! (the music swells to a climax, then suddenly stops) Meanwhile, back at home, the telephone rang.
Hi, this is Kenneth. I'm in the shower right now. I'm wet! I'm naked!

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadgets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shumbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

(Theme music from James Bond:) Hello. My name is David, code number 324-5628. I'm sorry I can't take your call, but I'm on an international mission involving the theft of gold plated Spam. Leave a message after the tone, and should I survive my mission, I'll call you back. Ciao babies!

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

(English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah... (wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking) well listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T MESS WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Crap... Leave a message after the tone...

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2: Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1:Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

1: I didn't expect an answering machine. 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. 1: And message. Damn. 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, andmessage. 1: And time you called. 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it...

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'mafraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

(strong Chinese accent) No-wan home! NO-WAAAN HOME! Bye.

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

(Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this!

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.