5F22: "Bart the Mother" Act one. At the Simpson house, Homer calls everyone together in the TV room. Homer: Mail call! Gather 'round, everyone! All right, one for...resident. Marge: That's me! Homer: Well, that's it. Bart: One stinkin' letter? Why'd you make us gather 'round like that? Homer: I needed my power fix. [sighs contentedly] Marge: Hey, listen to this! [reading letter] Congratulations, your child, or children, have been selected in "Who's Who Among American Elementary School Students." Homer: [gasps, then belches] Marge: Please submit their names, along with ninety-five dollars, for each handsome volume you wish to order! Oh, I've never been so proud! You both deserve a big, big reward! Lisa: Mom, they put every kid in America in that book, just so gullible parents will buy it. It's all a big scam. Bart: [sotto voce] Shut up... Marge: Are you sure? I can usually smell a scam from two towns over. Bart: Yeah, Lis', she is a smart, sophisticated woman. Now, let's hear more about that big, big reward. Homer: Yeah, quit stalling, Marge, we want our reward. The Simpsons drive to the "Family Fun Center"; Marge points the sign outside. Marge: One reward, coming up. Taa-Daa! The kids cheer as they pull in. Homer parks the car and gets out. Homer: [stretching] Oh, man, it feels good to get out of that car. Ooh, go-karts! Come on, everybody, let's go! At the go-kart race, the family drives miniature cars in circles in a fenced-in tire-lined track. Homer: Look at me, Bart! I'm driving! Bart: We're all proud of you, Dad. Lisa: [trying to get around Marge] Move it, pokey. Marge: Slow and steady wins the race! The other drivers all pass Marge, who drives sensibly forward. "Easy, easy, stick with the plan," she reassures herself. Nelson Muntz, driving there as well, knocks Milhouse off the road and pulls up alongside Marge. Marge: That was no accident! Shame on you, Nelson. Nelson: Cram it, ma'am. [he drives off] At the batting cages, Homer steps up to the plate. Homer: Stand back and watch the pro. Lisa: Uh, shouldn't you put on a batting helmet? Homer: Ah, they mess up my hair. -- "Bart, the Mother" After dropping in a coin, Homer takes a swing and misses. "Ooh, ball one," he says. Another swing, another miss, "Ball two." he says. "This bozo's gonna walk me." After getting hit by a pitch, he picks a fight with the machine, but only ends up getting hit again and again. He finally falls to the floor, taking repeated baseballs to the body. Bart and Lisa watch outside. Lisa: Hang in there, Dad, just half a basket left! Bart: Wow, you sure get a lot of balls for a quarter. At the skee-ball machines, Lisa and Maggie work together to score points. Nelson, after calling her a cheater, takes apart the machine and grabs the roll of tickets. Later, Bart takes his winnings up to the teenager at the counter. Bart: Okay, what can I get for twelve, count 'em, twelve prize tickets? Pimple-Faced Teen: Two thumbtacks and a moustache comb. Or five rubber bands and an ice cube. Nelson: What can I get for eight thousand tickets? Pimple-Faced Teen: A B-B Gun or an Easy Bake Oven. Nelson: Hmm...hot food is tempting. But I just can't say no to a weapon. The teenager hands Nelson the gun, and Bart, still at the counter, admires it. Bart: Woah, can I try that sometime? Nelson: Yeah, sure. Never hurts to have a second set of prints on a gun. Bart: Wow, thanks, Nelson, I'll come by your house later! Marge: Oh, no you won't! You stay away from Nelson Muntz. Bart: But Mom! Marge: Nelson's a troubled, lonely, sad little boy. He needs to be isolated from everyone. Bart: But Mom! Marge: Yes? Bart: That's all I got. In Bart's bedroom, Lisa talks with her brother. Lisa: So what prize did you end up getting? Bart: Moustache comb. What'd you get? Lisa: Fake moustache. Wanna comb it? Bart: Oh, this sucks. Time to punch out of this yawn factory. I'm going to Nelson's. [jumps out the window to his tree] Lisa: But Mom said not to! Bart: She doesn't scare me. I do what I want, when I want. [brushes himself off frantically] Oh God, inchworms! At the Muntz's, Nelson carves a phone call message onto the wall. It reads, "Mom - Dad called, Re: Bail" Bart: Won't you get in trouble if your Mom sees you doing that? Nelson: Eh, my Mom's got bigger problems. She doesn't give a crap what I do. Bart: Wow, you are so lucky. Nelson: Come on, let's lock and load. You're not going out without a scarf, are you? Bart: Nah, I don't need one. Nelson: Hm. It's your health. In the backyard, Nelson tests his gun. Nelson: Think I can hit that bottle? Bart: Yeah, probably. Nelson: [shatters bottle] Shows what you know. Hey, check this out. Nelson fires at a broken down old car sitting in the yard. He shatters a few panes of glass on it, and then his own reflection in the rear-view mirror. Nelson: That's my Dad's shootin' car. Just three more payments, and it's ours! Bart: Aw, cool! Can I get a shot now? Nelson: Hang on! First how about I try to peg you in the stomach? Bart: Hmm...no thanks. Nelson: Or what about you put on these nerd glasses and I shoot 'em off. Bart: No way. Come on, quit hogging the gun! The two boys notice a bird singing in a tree. Nelson: Bet you can't hit that bird from here. Bart: Are you crazy? I don't want to shoot a stupid bird. Nelson: That's 'cause you know you can't. You're not a super-stud like me! Bart: Am too! Nelson: Are not! You're an octo-wussy. [mockingly] Woah, look at me, I'm Bart Simpson! I'm scared to use a gun! I wanna marry Milhouse! I walk around like this: [singing] La, la la, la, la la... Bart: Hey, quit it! Bart takes the gun from Nelson and lifts it into the air towards the bird. He lines the sight up, then moves it a few inches to the right and fires. Strangely enough, he hits the bird; it chirps loudly as it falls to the ground. Bart: Oh my God. Nelson: Woah, major shot! You even compensated for the crooked sight! Bart: Crooked sight?! Nelson: You are one cold blooded killer, dude! Bart: But, but, I wasn't...I didn't... Nelson: [examines bird] Right through the neck! [wolf-whistles] It doesn't get any sweeter than that, Simpson. Savor the moment. Bart looks dejectedly to the ground, ashamed of himself. End of Act One. Time: Act two. Marge and Homer fold laundry in the kitchen. While Marge hums to herself and folds towels, Homer hands her a large ball of socks. Homer: I rolled up all the socks, what's next? Marge: [holds the socks] While I deal with this, why don't you start on that basket? Homer: All right...oh, I hate folding sheets. Marge: That's your underwear. Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two man job. Where's Bart? Marge: He's up in his room. [yells] Bart! Homer: It's okay, Marge, I'll get him. [thunderous yell] Bart!! Lisa: [walking in] What the heck's going on? Marge: We need Bart to help fold your father's underpants. Where is he, anyway? Lisa: Bart? Aw...he went to play with a friend? Marge: He didn't go to Nelson's, did he? Lisa: No, no...I'm pretty sure he's with Milhouse. Homer: [yelling out the window] Milhouse!! Milhouse: What?! Homer: Tell Bart to come home!! Milhouse: I think he's at Nelson's!! Homer: Who's Nelson?! Marge: Nelson?! I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Ooo, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. -- Quiet, or he'll write another song, "Bart, the Mother" Marge: Oh yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us. [leaves the house] Homer: All right, young lady, I want you to march yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. [hands her money] Get a little something for yourself, sweetheart. [hands her more] Back in the Muntz backyard, Bart and Nelson stand over the bird, staring at it. Nelson: Should we bury it, or chuck it into a car full of girls? [reaches for the bird] Bart: Hey, leave it alone! Nelson: Okay, okay, don't kill me, killer. Bart: Stop calling me that! Nelson: Relax, Simpson, it was either him or you. No court would convict you. Bart imagines himself before an avian court comprised of a vulture, an eagle, and a toucan as judges. Eagle: Bart Simpson, do you know why you've been summoned before this tribunal? Bart: Yes, sir. Because I killed an innocent bird. Vulture: Dear Lord! We just wanted you to put fresh newspaper on the tribunal floor! Eagle: We're knee deep in our own droppings. It's disgusting. Toucan: But since you've confessed to birdslaughter, we have no choice but to peck your face off. Bart: No, not the face! The three birds fly down and peck Bart's face; Back in Nelson's backyard, we can see the connection. Nelson is smacking Bart on the cheeks repeatedly. Bart: Ow! What are you doing? Nelson: Eh, I got bored, so I started slapping you. Suddenly, Marge pulls up in her car and gets out. Bart stands in front of the dead bird to keep her from seeing it. Bart: Uh, oh. Marge: Young man, you're coming home with me this minute. Nelson: All right, finally, a real home! Marge: Not you. Bart! Nelson: Oh. See you later, Killer! Marge: "Killer"? Why did he call you "Killer"? Bart: Mom, you were right. Nelson is bad news. Can we go home? Marge: What are you hiding there? Bart: Nothing. Marge: What are those cats doing behind you? Bart: Uh...cats like me? [a cat jumps on him] Get...get off! Get off! After moving away from the bird while fighting the cat off, Bart tosses it down, scaring the other cats away, allowing Marge to see the body of the dead bird. Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird? Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left. Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal? Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished. Marge: What's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums, fine. Have fun killing things. Bart: Mom, wait... Marge gets into her car and drives away; Bart walks back to Nelson's house and sees him frying a carrot, then turns back around to the tree. He notices that the mother left a nest and eggs behind, so he climbs the tree to talk to them. Bart: Hi little eggs. I'm not sure how to tell you this, but your Mom was involved in an incident. Mistakes were made. By me. But don't worry. I'll take care of you. At the Old Springfield Library, Bart starts a film, "Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues" starring Troy McClure. Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, Ew!", and "Man Versus Nature: The Road to Victory". In all the animal kingdom, no mother is more devoted than the blue jay. Valuing her eggs above even her own life, the mother bird regularly fights off such fearsome predators as the badger and the mongoose. Visiting a mother blue jay in a tree, Troy puts both a bagder and a mongoose on the branch next to her. The mother, indeed, stands up and chases them off. Troy: Of course, one thing Mother blue jay can't defend against is a set of steel tongs. Troy lifts the bird off its nest with a pair of tongs; we get a look at her eggs as he holds her in the air, squawking. Troy: Eggs. Precious eggs. If they're to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a seventy-five watt bulb. Inside a lab, Troy places the eggs and nest, sans mother, inside a small glass box lit by a light bulb. He looks up and sees the camera. Troy: Oh, hello! In a few days, our eggs will hatch into nestlings, like these over here. [walks to a cage of chirping birds] Billy: They look awfully hungry, Mr. McClure. Troy: They sure are, Billy. In nature, their mother would regurgitate food for them to eat. Billy: That's gross! Troy: [laughs uproariously] It sure is, Billy. It sure is. Troy Smiles, and the film ends. Bart checks his notes from the movie and leaves the library, passing by Reverend Lovejoy. Librarian: You've checked this Bible out every weekend for the last nine years. Wouldn't it be easier to just buy one? Rev. Lovejoy: Perhaps, on a librarian's salary. In his treehouse, Bart has his eggs placed in a cardboard box next to a light socket. Bart: Hey, fellas, good news. I found an extra seventy-five watt bulb lying around. Homer, whistling, carries a box to the basement; he flips on the switch at the top of the stairs and starts walking, but trips and falls down them. Bart: Check it out, guys, I've been working on this regurgitation thing. [makes gagging sounds] Oh yeah, hope you like pop-tarts. I think I'll call you...Chirpy Boy. And you...Bart Jr. And you can call me Mother. No, wait, that sounds kinda fruity. Just call me Mom. In the coming days, Bart protects his eggs by adjusting the light and putting a parasol over them to keep out the rain. Homer, repeating the same mistake again, falls down the stairs once more. Bart later hoses down the cat when it tries to grab his eggs. Marge: What do you think he's doing up there? Homer: I don't know. Drug lab? Marge: Drug lab?! Homer: Or reading comic books, what am I, Kreskin? You tell me what he's doing. Marge: I don't know, and I don't want to know. And I'm going to find out. Marge walks outside and sees a power cord running from a wall outlet to the treehouse. Seeing that it's her good grey extension cord, she pulls the plug out; the light bulb goes out over the nest. Bart: Oh, no! I've got to keep these warm. Marge: [calling from the ground] Bart, stop whatever you're doing and come down here. Bart: Can't right now! Come back later. Marge: Oh, I'll come back later. [climbs tree] How's this for later? Bart: Mom, listen... Marge: Why are you sitting like that? What are you hiding this time? Bart, sighing, steps away from his seat to reveal the bird nest. Marge: Eggs? Bart: That bird I killed was their mother. I don't want her babies to die, too. Marge grumbles, preparing to scold, but then reconsiders and gives her son a hug. While doing so, she notices that one of the eggs move. Later, the eggs lie on the kitchen table, and the whole family admires them. Homer: Oh, man! This is the most exciting thing I've seen since Halley's Comet collided with the moon! Lisa: That never happened, Dad. Homer: [sarcastically] Sure it didn't. Bart: Is the nest still warm enough, Mom? Marge: Hmm...it's starting to cool down. I'll bake another pie. Marge takes the nest from off the pie it was sitting on and gives it to Homer, who digs in. Homer: Ooh, how about cherry this time? And would it kill you to make some coffee? The family stares at the eggs impatiently. Homer: Why's it taking so long? Bart was born in about five minutes. Marge: Actually, it took fifty-three hours. Homer: Really? Well, the time just flew by, didn't it? Marge grumbles. Later, Bart notices the eggs start to crack and calls everyone over. Gathering around, the family watches the show. Marge: I see a foot! Lisa: I see an eye! Bart: I see a neck! Homer: I see a horn! Lisa: A horn? From the eggs have hatched two green baby lizards who sit in the nest, flapping their tounges. The Simpsons, finding them cute, say "Aw...". However, the lizards seem to see the family in a different light and hiss at them; all four family members scream. End of act two. Time: In the kitchen, Bart stares at the two lizards, still inside the nest. Bart: Man, those are some funky-looking birds. Homer: [giggling] Aw, you look like a little tiny dinosaur. [gets bitten and screams] This is one vicious baby bird. Lisa: Dad, they aren't birds. Bart: Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest. Therefore, they're birds. Ikso fatso. Lisa: One, they don't have beaks. Two, they don't have feathers, and three, they're lizards! Bart: You're a lizard! Homer: Enough bickering! I know how to settle this. Marge: No kickboxing! Homer: [takes pies] Aww...if anybody wants me, I'll be eating alone in the basement. Homer falls down the stairs in the darkness once again. At a local birdwatching society, Principal Skinner talks with the group. Skinner: Now, uh, people. There's been some confusion about our bird sighting rules. You cannot count birds that you've seen at the zoo, on stamps, or in dreams. Moe: Well, I'm back to square one. [tears up his piece of paper] After a pigeon lands on the windowsill, Jasper looks at it through his binoculars. Jasper: My God, it's a pigeon. That's the last bird on my list. Heh. So long, suckers! At that moment, Bart walks in with a cardboard box, accompanied by Marge and Lisa. Bart: Excuse me, can you tell us what kind of birds these are? They hatched from eggs I found in a nest. Skinner: Good heavens! I'm very glad you brought those in, Bart. I'll just get those killed, and you can be on your way. Skinner puts the lizards' heads underneath a paper cutter, but Bart grabs them back before Skinner can slice them in two. Bart: Wait! What the heck are you doing? Skinner: My civic duty, that's what. Principal Skinner holds up a pad of paper with a U.S. Wildlife Department alert statement regarding that breed of lizard on it. Lisa: Bolivian Tree Lizard? Skinner: Mmm-hmm. It's a vicious ovoraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch and...devour her too. Moe: [laughing] What a chump! Skinner: It's already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker. -- Good night, everybody! "Bart, the Mother" Marge: How vile! Skinner: Well, the one thing that mystifies me is how a Bolivian lizard made it to Springfield. Apu: [at the meeting] That is a puzzlement... At the Kwik-E-Mart some time ago, Apu pries open a box of Bolivian donuts; two lizards escape from it and run out the door. Burns: Look, Skinner, we haven't got all day. Kill the horrid beasts, and do away with their lizards. Bart: No, don't hurt them! I'll just keep them as pets. Skinner: No, they might escape and breed. The law is very clear on this, they must be exterminated as quickly and gruesomely as possible. [holds up a hand drill] Bart: No, they're mine! Marge: I'm sure we can work this out. [to Skinner] He's just a child. Let me talk to him. Skinner: All right, I'll give you a moment. That'll give us time to prepare for the splatter. Burns and Moe put on protective glasses, while Marge takes Bart outside and shuts the door. Marge: Bart, I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Your lizards are banned by federal law. Bart: Everyone thinks they're monsters. But I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand. Marge: Mmm...not as hard as you think. She hugs him, and whispers, "Run for it." Bart does so, when the bird watchers open the door. Skinner: Okay, that's exactly one moment. [gasps] Oh my God, he's getting away! Smithers: Stop him! Moe: Out of the way, Midge. Marge: [blocking the doorway purposely] Oh, am I in the way? Burns: Yes, yes, you're in the way! Are you daft, woman? Marge: Sorry, I didn't realize I was in the way! Skinner: You're still in the way. And you don't seem to be moving at all. Edna: Oh, for crying out loud, just knock her ass down. Moe: Way to shove, Edna. Apu: Let us roll. In the basement, Bart and his lizards hide. Opening the box, he has a talk with them. Bart: Guys, is it really true? Are you cold-blooded egg murderers? The two lizards give Bart an innocent look. Bart: Don't use that look on me. I invented that look! Suddenly, the bird watching society bursts in through nearby door. Monty Burns, looking at him through binoculars, shouts "There he is! Off in the distance!". Chasing him onto the roof, Bart stops at the edge with nowhere to go. Skinner: Okay, Bart. This is where it ends. Relinquish the lizards. Bart shrinks away, unwilling to give up just yet. "I said relinquish!" Skinner says, and grabs the box. The two tug on it, when suddenly the reptiles fly up and over the edge of the building. Skinner: Good riddance to bad lizards. Suddenly, the lizards spread their flaps and drift gently to the ground. Bart: Hey! Woah, look at them! Go Chirpy Boy! Go Bart Junior! Skinner: Oh, nuts! Lisa: Wow, did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding? Skinner: Yes, but I was hoping they didn't know that. The lizards, once on the ground, flap their tounges at each other and duck into some bushes, gone for good. Skinner: Well, I hope you're happy, Bart. You have no idea what kind of plague you've unleashed upon this town. Kent Brockman, however, has a different story on the nightly news. Brockman: Our top story, the population of parasitic tree lizards has exploded, and local citizens couldn't be happier! It seems the rapacious reptiles have developed a taste for the common pigeon, also known as the feathered rat, or the gutterbird. For the first time, citizens need not fear harassment by flocks of chattering disease-bags. Some time later, the city honors Bart for his work. Quimby: For decimating our pigeon population, and making Springfield a less oppressive place to while away our worthless lives, I present you with this scented candle. Away from the speech, Skinner and Lisa talk. Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend. Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards? Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards. Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse? Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat. Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas! Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death. -- The Cirrrrcle of Liiiiiife... "Bart, the Mother" Lisa sighs to herself at Skinner's explanation, and later joins her family on the sidewalk for a walk to the car. Homer: I'm proud of you boy. [sniffs candle] Mmm...loganberry. Lisa: I don't get it, Bart. You got all upset when you've killed tens of thousands, and it doesn't bother you at all. Bart: Hey, you're right...I call the front seat! Lisa: You had it on the way over! As the Simpsons get into the car, a pigeon is mauled to death by a large group of hungry lizards on the sidewalk behind them. Fade out. End of Act Three. Time: