[AABF01] Treehouse of Horrors IX Treehouse of Horrors IX Donick "I Still Know What I Did Last Summer" Cary, The Bride of Lichtenstein, David S. Coffin Directed by Steven "Demon" Moore ============================================================================== Production code: AABF01 Original Airdate on FOX: 25-Oct-98 First segment title: "Hell's Toupee" Night has fallen on Springfield. Scene switches to the Kwik -E- Mart, where Snake is testing the merchandise. Snake grabs a comb from a box titled "Genuine Hair Combs." Snake:[examining comb]: Hmmm… Good lines, nice balance, let's see how she handles! [dips comb in jar filled with "Nacho Cheez"] Snake:[running comb through hair] Huuohhh, yeah, tame it baby! Snake walks over to counter where Apu is. Snake: Yo, ring er' up, dude! [Apu starts to "ring up" comb. Snake takes out a cigarette and starts smoking] Apu: Uhhhhh! You cannot smoke in here! The sign is clearly posted, sir. [Apu points to wall where a very small No Smoking sign is in the middle of many cigarette posters.] Moe walks into the scene. Smoke from Snake's cigarette makes Moe cough. Moe:[coughs] Ohhh, god, you smokers disgust me. Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? Chief Wiggum "bursts" into the store, pointing his gun. "Heads up, scuzbag!" Moe puts his hands up. "No, not you. The smoking scuzbag." Snake puts his hands up. Snake: Wooah, chill out dude; I'll pay the fine! Wiggum: Not this time you won't. This is your third strike! First you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that box full a' nuns. Snake: Hey, that was self defense! Wiggum: Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're goin' pal… hell! Because the penalty of strike three, is death! [Wiggum starts to cuff Snake] Snake: Hoooh, you'll never make it stick, dude. Wiggum: Will, too! 'Cause this place is full of witnesses! Apu, that scuzbag Moe. Snake: I'm not going to forget this, dudes! I'm going to totally kill both of you! [Moe and Apu act frightened. Wiggum points to an arcade machine; where Bart is hiding.] Wiggum: And don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty? [Bart moans] Snake: Ohhh, you are SO dead little dude! Bart:[sarcastically] Thanks a lot, chief! Wiggum: Huh, huh. You kids crack me up! Scene switches. We now see a man being recorded on camera in a studio. Ed: Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on FOX; from the producers of "When Skirts Fall Off," and "Secrets of National Security Revealed," it's "World's Deadliest Executions!" Behind Ed McMahon, a curtain opens revealing an electric chair. [Audience cheers] Ed : Making his first appearance on our show, heeeeeere's Snake! [Snake, along with two vixens and Chief Wiggum, walk up to the electric chair. Audience boos.] Snake:[with girls] Thank you, chicky pies! Scene switches yet again to show the Simpson family watching the show on TV. Homer: The chair! Awwww, how come they only do crucifixions during sweeps! [Scene switches to the studio. The girls strap Snake into the electric chair.] Narrator: Snake played lacrosse at All State University. Wiggum:[holding lever to turn on the chair] So log, Snake! You'll never harm another person with second-hand smoke! Chief Wiggum pulls lever. Snake is being electrocuted. Everybody coughs from the smoke coming from him. Snake says a bewildered "Duuude", before collapsing. Ed McMahon makes a final cheer, along with the audience. Wiggum: All right! Now let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs! Barney: Dibs on the liver! Scene switches to Simpsons home. The phone rings. Homer picks it up. Homer: Woo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor! I'm saved. Scene switches to Dr. Nick Riviera's office. Dr. Nick wheels in a cart that is covering Homer's donor. Dr. Nick: Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time Homer. This is genuine human hair. [Dr. Nick takes out Snake's hair, now a smoking wig.] Homer: This is legal, right? Dr. Nick: Yeah, sure, whatever. These drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream! Dr. Nick takes out a seemingly large hypodermic needle. Homer gasps in fright. Dr. Nick looks at the drugs, then knocks Homer out by punching him. Dr.Nick then injects the drugs into himself. Dr. Nick: [in stupor from drugs] Ohhhhhh, [grabbing wig] Hi everybody! Dr. Nick, with the wig, stumbles over to a pizza box, using the cutter to saw Homer's head to complete the operation. Scene switches to the Simpson home, obviously after Homer's operation. Homer has a large gauze bandage on his head. Homer:[sexily] Who wants to see their sexy new daddy?[Homer unwraps bandage from his head, while the family watches in amazement. The family comments on Homer's good looks.] Marge: Wow! If you're fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore! It is now nighttime. Scene goes to Homer and Marge, who are sleeping. Homer twists and turns, while Snake's hair roots go into Homer's brain. Homer's hair automatically gets that Elvis look, and Homer, with Snake's expression, gets out of bed. [Homer turns to Marge and says like Snake: "Later, chickie pie!"] The scene then goes to Homer walking into the Kwik-E-Mart. Homer walks up to the counter where Apu is. Apu: Ohhhh, la la, Simpson! Huh! What can I do for you and your new 'do! Homer:[like Snake] You sent me to the chair! Apu: Huh! Snake? But you're dead! Homer:[threateningly] I know you are, but what am I?! Homer then stretches out his arms and grabs Apu, while Apu screams. He then crams Apu against the Squishee machine, while Apu screams, "Noooooooo!" The scene switches to the Simpson home; a day later, where the family is watching the news. Kent : And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string, all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. [The family babbles all at once about how horrible the incident was] Marge: That's horrible! Who ran the Kwik-E-Mart? The TV shows an interview at the scene of the crime with Police Chief Wiggum. Wiggum:[slurping Squishee] I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say that Apu did not suffer. Lou: Looks to me like he suffered a lot, chief. [We see Apu stuffed inside the Squishee machine, showing that he was placed into the mixer] Wiggum: Awww, geez, Lou! How long are you gonna let me keep drinkin' this thing?![Wiggum slurps Squishee.][Back to the Simpsons family, who are shocked after learning about the story.] Lisa: Who would do such a thing?[Homer's hair does the Elvis thing. Homer smiles, , takes a cigarette out of his sleeve like Snake, and starts smoking it.] It is the next day. The scene shows Moe's Bar, where Moe is happily eating his Pencill-Os. Homer walks in with a mean expression like Snake. Moe: Ah! Mornin' Homer! You're lookin' unusually focused this morning. Homer:[like Snake] Shut your squeal hole, booze jockey! I'm gonna like, totally waste you. Moe: Ahhh, somebody's a grumpy Gus. [Homer grabs a cork opener, and shoves it into Moe's chest. He then pulls Moe's heart out, beating merrily. ] Homer: Yoink! Moe: Ahhh, for cryin' out loud! [Moe collapses and his face falls into his bowl of Pencill-Os. ] Scene switches to show the Simpson family watching the news. Kent: Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Wealthy old bartender Moe Szyslak, has watered down his last eyeball! Bart: Oh my god! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! Marge: It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave! Lisa: I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent. Bart: Don't you get it?! He swore to kill me too! I'm next! Homer: Don't worry, I'll protect you. [Homer's hair molds into Snake's] Little dude. [Homer adjusts the hair] Scene switches to Bart's room, where Homer is nailing boards on the door. Homer: There, now no murderers can get in. [Homer's hair molds into Snake's] Or out! Bart: Dad? Homer: You are SO dead. [Bart screams as he jumps out of bed to avoid Homer's sledgehammer.] Homer: Come ere' you little… [Homer swings the sledgehammer to hit Bart but it hits Bart's Krusty doll on a shelf instead] Doll: Heh heh heh! Stop it! You're killing me! Bart screams, and Homer hits "him" with the sledgehammer. Actually Bart is screaming in the background while Homer smashes his portrait. Bart: My school picture! Homer: Daddy would like a word with you, Barty! [Homer swings at Bart two times but Bart narrowly dodges the blows.] Bart:[pounding on door] Help, dad's trying to kill me! Homer: It's hammer time, snitchy! [Homer swings at Bart, but Bart gets out the way and the hammer breaks the boards and the door.] Bart: That's Snake's voice! [Homer runs off chasing Bart, while Marge, Lisa, and Maggie walk through the hole in the door.] Lisa: Of course! The transplant! Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling… Marge:[sternly] Oh, please, Lisa! Everyone's figured that out! Bart is backed into his desk, trying to move out of the way of Homer's sledgehammer. Homer gets ready to swing. Bart: You've got to fight the hair, dad! Homer:[Himself] But I look so youthful and hunky! [Snake] The kids's gotta die! [Himself] But I love my son! [Snake] More than a lush head of hair? [Himself] Don't make me choose! Homer, under Snake's hair's control, is about to swing. Halfway through Homer is in control and throws the hammer away, almost hitting Bart. Homer rips off the hair, and throws it on the ground. Homer: Nooooooo! I love you, son! [Homer hugs Bart] Bart: I love you too, dad! [Bart screams as he notices that the hair is alive and getting up. The hair jumps and sticks on Bart's face Bart tries to pull it off; and Marge gasps in amazement.] Homer: I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches the hair, which is on Bart's face] Bart: That's my face you idiot! Homer: Idiot?! Why you little… [Homer strangles Bart] Don't you… I'll kill you…! Chief Wiggum, along with Lou and Eddie, come into the door pointing their guns at Homer. Wiggum: Homer Simpson! You're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak, and Apu Nahasa…pasa… Uhhh, just Moe, just Moe. Homer: It wasn't me! It was the hair! [The hair tries to jump away, and looks for a way out.] Wiggum: Freeze, hairball! The hair jumps to the window to get out, and hangs on a bar while the police shoot it with their guns. The bullets break the window, and the hair falls to the ground. It gets up again, but the bullets finally "kill" it. Maggie picks it up; thinking it's a blanket. Wiggum: Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [Everybody laughs except Marge] Marge: Let me remind you that two people are dead! Ohhh, wait, I just got it![Everybody laughs some more] Wiggum: Bad hair day! [Everybody laughs some more] [End of Act One. Time: 8:13] Segment two title: "The Terror Of Tiny Toon" In his studio, now decorated for Halloween, Krusty starts his show. He is wearing a black cape and has teeth that resemble a vampire's. Krusty: Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck!… [looks at cue cards] your blood! O.K! Get ready for the violentest, dissenballingest, vomit-inducingest Itchy & Scratchy Halloween special ever! Marge turns off the TV, and the kids are upset. Marge: Sorry; but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Halloween cartoons, I'd be a pretty lousy mother. [Bart & Lisa moan, and Marge picks up Maggie.] Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Bart: Nah, it's too early! I need to work under cover of darkness. [Bart has eggs with people's names on them; obviously for egging.] Marge:[Homer walks in room ] Ohhhh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again?! Homer:[munching on a snack] Going where? [smacks while chewing food] Marge: Well, we're leaving; and remember: no Itchy & Scratchy! [Kids groan] I'd better take these batteries just to be sure. [Marge takes batteries out of TV remote and puts them in her purse. She and Maggie leave.] Homer:[playing harmonica while kids watch] Momma took those batteries, note], she took em' away, [note], momma took those batteries; size double A! Bart slams the door to the kitchen so that Homer cannot be heard. He then finds "Homer's Tulebox", and starts looking for batteries. Bart: There's gotta be some batteries somewhere! [takes out a piece of plutonium] Hmmmmm… Lisa:[Acting scared] Ohhhhh, Bart, that's plutonium! It's highly unstable! Bart:[crams plutonium into battery pocket of remote with hammer] Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? [Bart turns the TV on, and a burst of green energy blows him onto the couch. The TV turns weird colors, and an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon comes on.] The Itchy & Scratchy episode is titled "Candle In The Wound." Scratchy, in a Halloween costume, arrives at Itchy's house and rings the doorbell. Itchy answers the door as Scratchy holds out his bag and says, "Trick-or-treat!" In the Simpsons living room, Lisa is touching the TV screen. Lisa: What's wrong with the TV?[TV screen is bulging] Bart: Color's screwed up. [Bart presses a button and it makes the TV glow, along with Lisa] Woah! Cool! Lisa: Bart, quit it! Lisa and Bart both grab the remote and start tugging. They both are glowing; first green, then blue. Bart presses the "Enter" button and Bart And Lisa get sucked into the TV. They arrive in Itchy & Scratchy's house. The remote gets left behind. Bart: Hey, Lis, we're characters in a cartoon! Lisa: How humiliating. Bart:[notices Itchy & Scratchy, where the cartoon left off] Huh! Look! [Itchy takes a knife from which the candy is on and slices Itchy's head off with it. Bart & Lisa laugh hysterically. Scratchy's head lands on a plate. Itchy carves the top off, takes out the brain, and sets fire to the inside of Scratchy's head like a jack-o-lantern. The kids laugh even more.] Scratchy: Why are you laughing? Itchy: Hey, they're laughing at your pain! Scratchy:[puts body back together] That's mean! Itchy: Let's teach em' a lesson! [Itchy & Scratchy shake hands, then one of them throws an ax at Bart. It parts his hair] Bart: A cartoon act! I love it! Bart notices blood dripping from his head, and he and Lisa scream. Itchy & Scratchy have a cannon filled with rockets, and as Bart and Lisa watch them light the rockets, their eyes bulge out of their heads. They run out of the house and down the street as the rockets chase them. They duck, and the rockets pass over them. Bart notices a police car and calls for help. Bart and Lisa jump into the car as it speeds off. They sit down in the back seat, exhausted. Lisa notices a sign. Lisa: To protect and sever? Bart and Lisa scream as they notice that the drivers of the police car are Itchy & Scratchy. Itchy takes out a chainsaw and almost gets Bart with it. Meanwhile, Homer walks into the living room and notices the cartoon on TV, and picks up the remote on the floor. Homer: Ooooh! How are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one? [Back to TV land. Itchy swings and accidentally saws off Scratchy's arms; which he was driving the car with.] Itchy: Sorry! Scratchy: It happens! [Scratchy grips the steering wheel with his mouth. Poochy, the talking dog, is skateboarding down the road.] Poochy: Hey, hey! Wiggily, wiggily! Poochy's in the house! [The police car hits him and he flies in the air, landing with his skateboard hitting him in the head. ] Scene switches to Lisa and Bart in the police car. Lisa: We're done for, Bart! Bart: Not if I know cartoons! [Bart draws the word "Eject" on the seat, and circles it. He then presses it, and he and Lisa are launched from an eject seat into the sky.] Phhewww, that was close! Lisa: Uhhh, Bart? [taps Bart on shoulder] Bart:[reclining] Not now Lis, I'm trying to relax. Lisa turns Bart to where he can look down below. Bart gulps. Down below, Itchy & Scratchy have set up an electric bear trap field. Bart and Lisa fall, screaming. In the Simpson living room, Homer is watching TV and has the remote. Homer:[changing channel] Boring! [Homer changes the channel to show the Regis & Kathy Lee Show, where they are cooking soup in a large pot.] Regis: I'm telling ya, this cilantro really gives it a zing! Kathy: Reese, there's no cilantro in it! [Bart and Lisa fall into the pot, spilling soup everywhere. Regis & Kathy are disgusted. Lisa and Bart run off screen.] Regis: This soup is out of control! [Itchy & Scratchy fall in the soup too, and run off; not without spilling more soup.] My eyes, my beautiful eyes! Kathy: Ohhhh, that's it! I'm going home! Don Delouiz can interview himself! Bart and Lisa somehow return to Itchy's house. Bart: Ohhhh, Itchy's house! This is where we came in! Lisa:[pointing] Look! [They see Homer on the other side of the glass, and Lisa starts to pound on the glass.] Dad, you've gotta let us out of here! Use the remote! Homer: Huh? Oh, O.K. [looking at remote buttons] Hmmm, let's see… pause, uh, 3, no, Uhhh. Bart & Lisa:[noticing Itchy & Scratchy] Return! [Itchy & Scratchy, dressed like firemen, pump "water" into a hose.] Bart: Hurry Homer! [Instead of water, man-eating fish come out of the hose and eat Bart. All that's left is his head and the rest is skeleton.] Oooooh, that's gonna hurt tomorrow! Lisa: Dad! Push exit! Homer pushes "Exit", and Bart and Lisa some out of the TV. Lisa is fine, but Bart is still a skeleton. Marge walks in the room, returning from trick-or-treating. Bart: Hey! Marge:[noticing Bart] Auuuugghhh! Lisa; look out, a skeleton! Lisa grabs the remote and hits the "Rewind" button. Fish come out of the TV and go around him, and when they are done, Bart is back to his normal self. Bart and Lisa sigh in relief. They then scream as they notice Itchy & Scratchy busting through the TV glass with an axe and a mallet. The whole family screams as they come out. Homer walks over to where Itchy & Scratchy are and picks up Itchy by the tail. The whole time Itchy is swinging at Homer with his axe. Homer: He he he! Look how cute they are! [Homer drops him into a gerbil cage, and watches him run on a wheel with the rest of the family.] Hah hah hah! Look at him go! [Scratchy still has his mallet. Snowball II rubs up against Scratchy and Scratchy forgets about the mallet. He immediately falls in love with her.] Scratchy:[to Snowball II] You're beautiful! Marge: Awwww, somebody's in love! [picks up Scratchy] That means you have to be neutered! [Scratchy screams and covers his area] [End of Act Two. Time: 13:44] Third segment title: "Starship Poopers" The Simpson family is eating breakfast. Marge is trying to get Maggie to eat her food. Marge: Here comes the flying saucer! [Maggie cries] Bart: What's wrong with Stinky? Marge: She's teething. Look, her very first baby tooth! [Marge shows the family Maggie's tooth, which is a large fang. The rest of the family is disgusted.] Homer: I just lost my appetite. [pushes his bowl aside.] Lisa: Me, too. [pushes her bowl aside] Homer: Wait, mine came back. [Homer eats food from both bowls.] Homer, Maggie, Lisa, and Bart are in the living room. Bart and Lisa and watching TV while Homer is trying to make Maggie happy. Homer: I know how to cheer you up. [Homer grabs Maggie's toes, one by one.] This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart. This little piggy went nuts. This little piggy went zurping. And this little piggy went… [Homer gasps as Maggie's legs break off. Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs! Marge: Oh my god! [Maggie grows "legs" which are actually green tentacles. She crawls up the wall, and onto the ceiling. Bart and Lisa scream as Maggie hisses and her fang appears.] Homer, do something! The ceiling is not a safe place for a young baby! Homer: Ooooh, all right, I got it. [Homer pokes Maggie with a broom, trying to get her off the ceiling. Maggie wraps her tentacles around the broom, and with Homer holding on, throws the broom around the room. Homer breaks almost everything in sight.] Ooooh, she's entering the terrible two's all right! The Simpsons are at Springfield Hospital, getting Dr. Hibbert to check out Maggie. Marge: It's probably nothing, but we just wanted to be sure. [Dr. Hibbert takes a popsicle stick to put on Maggie's throat. Instead of letting him do it, Maggie bites the posicle stick. Dr. Hibbert screams as he pulls the popsicle stick away.] Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, doctor? Hibbert: Fire! And lots of it! Marge: Ooooh, that's your cure for everything. The Simpsons are at home centered around Maggie's crib. Maggie is playing with her toys. Lisa: Poor Maggie. If only you could tell us what's happening to you! Maggie, with her pacifier, sends a telepathic symbol to Kang and Kodo's spaceship in outer space. Kodos notices the signal from Infant Pod 13. Kodos: Commander Kang, receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13. Kang: Holy flurking schnit! What's the message? Kodos: Larval stage completed. Standing by for orders. Experiencing terrible rash. Over. Kang: Infant Kodos, set coordinates for the obscured T-shirt producing planet known as Earth. It's time a paid a visit to… my daughter! [Kodos gulps] The Simpson family is in their living room, watching TV. TV: We'll return with "How Dracula Got His Groove Back." [The doorbell rings. Homer answers it. It's Kang and Kodos.] Homer: Hullo. Oh, great. Mormons! Kang: Actually, we're Quantumpresbyterians; and we've come to see… my daughter! Marge: Ooooh, Lord! I was hoping this day would never come! Homer: Huh? What are you talking about? Kang: You mean you never told him? Marge: Hmmmmm, I guess I've been in denial. [looks at Homer] Homer…, Kang is Maggie's father! Homer: Huh! [points to Marge] You intergalactic husky! How could you? [Homer starts crying, then stops all of a sudden.] Was he better than me? Flashback [Marge narrates] Marge: It all happened about two years ago. There I was, having a great time in the backyard; then, without warning, I was abducted by aliens. [Scene shows Marge in the backyard hanging clothes on a clothesline. A spaceship appears.] Kang:[inside spaceship] Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted! [The spaceship shines a light on Marge; puts a rope around her waist, and pulls her into the spaceship. The ship then flies away. Inside, Marge groans as she sees Kang.] Congratulations! You have been selected for our cross-breeding program! Kodos: To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. [Shows places as he speaks.] You may choose either the backseat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend's wedding, or the alley behind a porno theater. Marge: I absolutely refuse to go along with this! But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley. [The couch Marge is sitting on moves to the alley. Kang sits next to Marge.] Kodos: Initiate fertilization procedure! Kang:[Yawns and puts his arms around Marge.] Oooooh, you look lovely this evening! Have you decreased in mass? Marge:[narrating] I tried to resist, but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques. Kang: Look, behind you! [points, and Marge looks away. Kang shines a blue light on Marge which does the trick.] Insemination complete! Marge: Really? That seemed awfully quick! Kang: What are you implying? Marge: Nothing, nothing! Kang: Whoa! Wow, look at the time! I'd love to stay but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl, though. I'll call you sometime! [Kang presses a button marked "DUMP", and Marge falls down a hatch out of the spaceship.] Back to the Simpsons living room. Marge: Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie. Kang: And now she must return home to Rigel 7; where she will be given a lucrative civil service job, for life. Homer: Well, we can't compete with that, but… Kang:[interrupts] But nothing! [tries to get Maggie from Homer. They are both tugging on her.] Get your slimeless hands off her! Bart: People, people! Space monsters! This is goin' nowhere. There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre. The Simpsons are on the Jerry Springer show. The title: "My daddy is a space monster." The audience cheers as Jerry Springer appears. Audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry: O.K. We're back! Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? [Marge covers face] Homer: It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Jerry: Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier; because we have the extra-marital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproof booth where he can't here us. Kang: I hear all! Jerry: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang! The audience cheers as Kang comes out from backstage with two security guards at his side. Kang gives Marge a bouquet of flowers and kisses her on the hand. Homer jumps up and starts hitting Kang. Homer: Why you two-timing , I'm gonna Kang: Oh, yeah? Well your hyperbolic pure alloy and your momma! [Kang throws security guards off of him and picks up two chairs. Kang tries to hit Homer with them but the security guards stop him. Homer tries to hit Kang, but the security guards stop him as well. Jerry Springer lets a woman from the audience speak.] Woman: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is. Jerry: Homer. Woman: Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? [audience cheers. Kang is angry, and Homer is clapping contentedly.] You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility! Kang is so angry that he takes out a device, and emits a green light from it that makes the woman vanish. The audience is frightened. Jerry: Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy raygun! [Kang takes his "raygun" and makes the whole audience vanish. Jerry Springer dodges it.] And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. [Homer, Marge, and Kang all hang their heads in shame.] Let's hope they put their differences aside, and what's best, for Maggie. [Maggie jumps and smothers Jerry's face. Jerry tries to pull her off.] What the ! Get the baby off [as Maggie bites him] ! Son-of-a- ! Kang gets angry over what Jerry said about his daughter and starts to squeeze him. Homer gets up, starts to hit Kang, but Kang wraps him up, too. Kang then starts hitting Jerry and Homer with his free hand. Marge: [hangs her head] I'm so in embarrased! Outside of the studio, the Simpson family talks to Kang and Kodos about the matter. Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. Lisa: And now he's dead. Kang: Anyhoo, this is your last chance! Turn over the baby now! Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington! Marge:[looking comfortably with Homer] Oh, you can destroy every politician! Kang: Just watch us! [Kang and Kodos laugh as they enter their spaceship and take off.] Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr! Marge: Suckers! Homer: C'mon Maggie, let's go home. Maggie:[in Kang's voice] Very well. I'll drive! [Maggie laughs hysterically like Kang as closing credits come on.] [End of Act Three. Time 20:73.9] Legal Stuff This episode copyright 1998 by Jeffrey Bain. This episode summary remains property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. Printed without permission.