[AABF04] Homer Simpson In: Kidney Trouble Homer Simpson In: Kidney Trouble Written by John Swartzwelder Directed by Mike B. Anderson ======================================================================= Production Code: AABF04 Original Airdate on FOX: 12/6/98 Transcript written on December 30, 1998. Act One. The Simpsons Car is driving down a street, obviously going on some kind of trip. Bart is looking at a information leaflet that says "Ghost Town" on the front. Bart: This ghost town is gonna be great, now with 30% more gunfights! Marge is also looking in a copy of the same booklet. Marge: And 40% more root-n-toot'n! Lisa: And the tumble weeds tumble at two, four and six; plus a midnight tumbling on weekends! Marge: That's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie! [Marge turns around to the kids] Come on kids! Three cheers for your father; hip hip! Lisa: Mom, don't. Marge: Hip hip! Bart: We heard you the first time. Marge: Hip hip! Homer: Hey, I'm trying to drive here! A quiet beeping noise can be heard, and Lisa observes it. Lisa: Hey, dad, that light says "Check Engine." Homer: Uh oh, the tape must of fallen off. [Homer picks up some tape and puts it over the light, which can now only be faintly heard.] There, problem solved! The car makes some weird noises and stops, smoke is coming out the engine. The family panic and moan. Homer: Relax! She just needs a little lovin'! [Homer tries to start the car; but it won't, and then he realizes it stopped outside the Springfield Retirement Castle, and Abe is sitting in a chair with Jasper next to him. Homer gasps in fright.] Abe: Aaaw, they remembered my birthday! [Abe stands up happily and starts walking towards the car. Homer desperately tries to get it started.] Homer: Come on! Come on, come on, come on!!! Start, damn you! Start! Abe:[walking along with his arms out in front of him like a zombie] Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me! This looks just like a zombie movie, as Homer panics and rolls up the window. Abe presses against it. There is zombie movie music, too. Jasper comes around the other side to Lisa's window. Lisa shrieks, rather disgusted than scared. The car is driving down an open road. Abe is now riding along. Homer:[looking at watch] Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there! Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything. The Simpsons finally arrive at the ghost town called "Bloodbath Gulch." It's set up like a town in a western. There is a small group of people which the Simpsons are in who are part of a tour. Marge: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention. Guy: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. Homer: Three minutes! [whistles] Marge: I never realized history was so filthy! Guy: First on our tour is "The Whore House"; then we'll visit the "Cat House", "The Brottle", "The Bordello", and finally "The Old Mission." Marge: Oh, thank heaven! Guy: Lots of prostitutes in there! Marge: Hmmmmm... Guy:[later] But there was more to the old west than just sex, folks, a lot more! If you look off to your left, you'll see a real old west hitchin' post, possibly used by bandits, possibly during some exciting adventure! And these planks below us were possibly used as a sidewalk by people who may or may not have been bandits! [Marge takes a photo of the planks] Marge: That's a keeper! [Homer raises his hand] Guy: Uh, yes sir? Homer: Do we have to listen to you? Guy: Well, no, you don't, but if you have any interest in history… Homer: I'm done! [walks away] [Marge nervously laughs, picks up Maggie and walks away with the kids] The family walk into a bar titled "Ye Old Animatronic Saloon." A piano is playing. Bart: Wow, have you ever seen so many robot cowboys? [Homer goes to the bartender] Homer: Hey, robot, get your fat metal ass down here! Bartender: Well, first of all; I'm not a robot, and second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you! [cheers up] Now, what'll you have, partner?! Homer: Let's see, [counts Marge, Bart and Lisa] One, two, three… six whiskeys! Bart: All right! Bartender: We only serve sasperilla, mac, no alcohol. Homer: Ohhh... Marge: You can get drunk when we get home! Homer: Duh! Some robot cowboys are playing cards. Robot 1: Hey, these cards are mine. (table falls) Now look what you've done. Robot 2: I'm sorry I don't know what came over me. Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened. Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody! [Homer raises his bottle and smashes it on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table.] Marge: What is it with you and robots? Bart puts a quarter in a robot's head. The stage comes to life, music plays, and some robot women begin to do an unsavory dance, baring their underwear. One kick her legs, and it flies off, narrowly missing Bart and crashing through the window. One leans over and her buttcheeks come flying off, and land next to Abe who is standing at the bar; drinking. Abe: Oooooh! Hello, sweet cheeks! [He squeezes the buttcheek. A hand comes flying and slaps him in the face] Oooh! Marge is standing by an electronic horse ride for babies which Maggie is sitting on. Marge: Who's a little cowgirl? (Maggie pulls the ear off. Bart runs up.) Bart: Hey, mom, look what I got! (Bart shows Marge a poster which shows a picture of Homer's face, and the words "WANTED FOR LEWD BEHAVIOUR."] Marge: Ha ha, how cute! [laugh] Did you get it in the souvenir shop? Bart: No, that security guard is handing them out! Marge: Hmmmmm.... [nervously takes the poster, screws it up and puts it in her purse.] [Some cowboys begin to have a gunfight.] Guy:[obvious] Uh oh! Better run for cover, partners! Some varmints are having a shoot-out! Cowboy: Yeeeeee haaaaaa! [The cowboys start shooting, and say things like "You yellowbelly!"] A fat slobby cowboy walks along, moaning. The crowd laughs. Guy: Ho ho, there's old Curly. He played the town preacher until we let him off, but he still hangs around! [crowd claps] Curly: [walks to Homer] Help me, please! I'm sick! Homer: [laughs hysterically] Marge: Homer! Homer: But it's funny, Marge; the guy's sick! [Curly collapses into a horse trowel, unable to breath because of the water or get out. He becomes unconscious.] Lisa: Uh, shouldn't we help him? Bart: He knows what he's doing. [someone takes a photo] Abe is drinking in the bar. Abe: Ah, can't get a good sasperilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood. Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh? Abe: Up yours!! The family are leaving in their car; driving down the road. Abe: Uh, can I go to the bathroom before we leave? Homer: Oh, we've got to go home! I don't want to miss "Inside the Actor's Studio"! Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham! Abe: But I really need to… Homer: F… MURRAY… ABRAHAM! [The family have been driving for a while. Homer is whistling. Grampa is struggling.] Abe: There's a rest area! Pull over! Homer: Can't stop now, we're making great time! Abe: Erg, can I go behind a tree? Homer: What are you, an animal? Later... Homer: Whoever keeps saying "please stop" back there better quit it! Abe: Ohh... [They pass a very, very, very large toilet.] Homer: Wow, get a load of that toilet! Abe: Pleeaaase, go back! You can make it my birthday present! Homer: Oh, we're almost home, dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon. Abe: I might explode! Homer: [reassuring] You just sit back and relax. I'm not gonna let anything happen to my old dad! The Simpsons are home; and at Springfield Hospital. Dr. Hibbert shows an ex-ray of Abe's kidneys. Hibbert: Oh, dear God! This man's kidney's have exploded! There's nothing left! Marge: Oh no! Homer: Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. Its one of those natural things. Beautiful in it's way. Hibbert: Er, actually, his kidney's were fine yesterday at his annual check-up! Homer: Excuse me, Doctor. I think I know a little something about medicine. Hibbert: Homer, with all due respect, this x-ray reveals a text book kidney blowout. It would explain those loud pops you heard. Homer: So you're saying I don't need a new muffler?! Abe: I don't feel so good, maybe I oughtta eat something. Hibbert: Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over. [laughs] [Abe laughs and then realizes its a bad thing, and moans.] End of Act Two. Time: 7:14 Act Two. Springfield Hospital. Abe: How long do I have to live, Doc? Hibbert:[laughs] I'm amazed you're alive now! Homer: Ooooh…! I blame myself for this. Marge: We all blame you. Homer: Come on, Doc, there's gotta be something I can do to help my dad! Hibbert: Well, you could give him a kidney. Homer: A kidney?!… O.K; fine. Hibbert: You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and… Homer: I said fine! What is it about the word "sure" you don't understand? Abe: Oh, thank you, son! [runs up to Homer and hugs him, and feels his kidneys] Mmmm…, I'll take the left one! It's good and springy; though the right one's not without it's charm! Back at the Simpsons home. Homer, eating on a tray in the living room, looks at his food. Homer: Pork chops, sloppy joes, hot dogs… and pork chops! Marge: Well, Dr Hibbert said you have to build up your strength! Lisa: Besides; nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous, man like you! Homer: Well, that's what I always thought but somehow… Bart: Hey, dad, I rented all your favorite gorilla movies! Gorilla Squadron, Gorilla Island 6… Homer:[gasps]"Apes-A-Poppin!"" Oooh! The airline version! Lisa: Can I fluff your pillow? Homer: Nothing's too good for me. Ah, I'm the luckiest man in the world. Now that Lou Gerigh's dead. Homer is sitting at the counter at Moe's Bar. Moe: Well; I've got to hand it to you, Homer: you're really brave to go through with this operation. Homer: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor said it's just a procedure. Moe: No, no, no, no, making palenda, now that's a procedure. We're talking about deadly life threatening surgery here. Homer: Really? You think It's dangerous? Carl: Oh, yeah; and even if you survive the operation… Homer: Procedure! Deadly procedure. Carl: Whatever, the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more. Homer:[defensively] Now you're just trying to scare me. Lenny: Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a bistidual tale will be after ya! Homer: But I don't want that! Moe: Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here… can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable. Homer: Yeah, I guess. Carl: And, are those your original lips? Homer: Well, actually I… Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [Homer storms out of the bar. Moe looks at Homer's butt.] Moe: Oh, yeah… that would look so good on me! Homer and Marge are going to bed. Homer: Marge, I've been thinking. What if instead of donating one of my old worn out kidneys; I give Grampa that artificial kidney I invented? Marge: Oh, Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it. Homer: Oh, but I don't want them cutting up my soft, supple body! Oh, why didn't someone tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine. Marge: Oh, I know you're scared, Homie; but remember why you're doing this! It's for your father! The man who raised you; and nurtured you. Flashback... Abe:[reading to Homer] Jack and Jill went up the hill aaaand... [skips pages] Jill came tumbling after; the end! Good night. Homer:[younger] Is that the same Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk? Abe: Well, son, I believe it is. Homer: And Jack Sprat. Is that him, too? Abe: Sure, why not?. Homer: Is he the same as Jack Be Nimble, and Jack Frost, and Little Jack Horner? Abe:[picks up bottle] Saaaay, how about a little Nyquill? Homer:[drinks a cup] All good. [falls asleep] Abe: Ah, I love you, son. Back to present Homer: I owe dad so much. Those bedtime stories began my lifelong love affair with the printed word. [pats TV guide] Marge: Well, giving him a kidney is a wonderful way of showing him how you feel! Homer: You're right, Marge. I'll do it! But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? Marge: Oh, anything, sweetheart! Homer: Blow up the hospital. Marge: Hmmm... well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to. Homer: That's my girl. [Homer lays down to go to sleep] Marge: Hmmmm... The next day at the hospital. Intercom: Doc Marten; to the dietry. Homer:[looking at paper; then receptionist] Liability waver? Receptionist: Don't read it, just sign it. Homer: Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here. I don't usually sign stuff like that! Receptionist: It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die of a result of growth negligent. Its a standard form. [hands him a pen] Homer:[signs] Ooooh... Homer and Abe are on hospital surgery beds next to each other, preparing for the operation. Abe: I love you, son. Homer: I love you, dad. [they hold hands] Hibbert:[puts on surgical gloves] Now don't you fella's worry; this will all be over soon and… what the? [Homer isn't there, and the curtains flap because of the wind coming from the open window. Homer has obviously chickened out.] Hibbert: We've gotta get rid of that window! Abe: Where'd he go? [Homer is on a railway track on a device where you push down the bar, and it makes the wheels turn. He is frantically pushing the bar down; trying to get as far away as possible from the hospital.] End of Act Two. Time: 11:48.1 Act Three. Springfield Hospital Lisa: I can't imagine dad running away like this, leaving his father to die... Bart: Even I wouldn't do that, and I'm America's badboy. Hibbert: It's a heartbreaking situation. [Laughs. Each laugh gets duller each time.] Abe: Am I dead yet? Marge: No. Abe: How about now? Marge: No. [losing temper] Abe: Now? Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa. Abe: Thank you. Homer is still painfully pushing the bar on the device, in the middle of a public road. He parks it between two cars. Homer walks along a dock. Homer: I'm not worthy to live among civilized people. [looks at some uncivilized kind of people] Even those guys look too civilized for me.[sees seagulls] [gasps] I can live at sea! The sea forgives all! [angers] Unlike those mean old mountains! I hate them so much! [The wind blows Homer's "gown" up at the back. Some people groan.] They won't stand for this! Homer walks into a shop titled "Davey Jones' Hamper." Homer: Uh, excuse me. I'm feeling ashamed and I'd like to look my best. [Homer is now walking along the pier wearing a sailor hat and some better clothes.] [Homer walks up to guy painting the side of a ship.] Homer: Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate. Guy: Well, if you'll look closely, you'll notice this is a taffy shop, shaped like a ship. Homer: Oooh, I like taffy but I don't deserve taffy! Abe is sleeping in his bed. Krusty comes into the room, frantically. Krusty: Hey, hey! [Abe wakes up startled] Krusty, here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's last laugh program! Abe: Last laugh? Krusty: So, how about that hospital food, huh? Abe: I wouldn't know, I'm not allowed to eat. Krusty: Oooo Kaaay… let's have a look at the old chart. [looks] Oh, boy… looks like we're both short on time! Well, so I'll go to the big finish. [singing] You are so beautiful toooooo meeeeeeeeeee!!! [Krusty runs out of the room, and puts his head through the door) Feel better! Abe: Come back, doctor! Homer is walking along pier, and sees ship sailing away. Homer: A tramp steamer! That's perfect! [runs and jumps, and hangs onto the back of the ship. Cpt. McCallister walks up.) I'd like to apply for a job. [still hanging] Any job! If you don't have a captain I could be that. Cpt: Arrr, what other ships have you been on? Homer: I've been in that one, [points] the Taffy Shop. Cpt: Good enough. [helps Homer up] Welcome aboard the ship of… [grimly] lost souls… Homer: The name on the back says "Honeybunch." Cpt: Yarr, I've been meaning to paint over that. Now come and meet the rest of the damned. Did I mention they're… [grimly] lost souls...? Homer: Well, actually you did. Cpt: Yarr, yarr… Homer walks into a room on the ship. It is full of stereotypes. Frenchman: Another lost soul has joined our world-weary "ensemble." Homer: Hey, who are you guys? Movie Guy:[laughs] Who are we? No one. Where are we sailing? Nowhere. Do we even exist? Who knows?! Homer: Hey, let me off this thing! Guy: Oh, don't listen to him. We exist, all right. Homer: Phew... Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget. Homer: Forget what? Guy: Oh, boy, here we go. Woman: My story of jolted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't you walking around during my story. Guy: My story's better, it has tigers! Woman: I was born into wretched poverty. So one day I stole a loaf of bread... put it into the freezer until it was very hard, then robbed a bank with it! Homer:[gasps] Later... Movie Guy:…and when Mr. Dinkley, saw what I had done, I was banned from the carwash forever! Woman: Forever? How awful. Frenchman: And it was too stinky for sight. Guy: As you can see, we're content to a lot of killers, bounders, and tiger stabbers. Frenchman: Come, stranger, join our circle of infamy. Tell us your story of "mon qui." Homer: Well, back on land my name was… Homer Simpson… and I guess it is here, too. I promised my dad one of my kidneys, but I chickened out on the last minute and left him on his death bed. [Everyone immediately stops what they were doing, and everyone is shocked] Card guy:: Good lord! Woman: Oh, how could you? Guy: I think I'm going to be sick. Frenchman: I stole this accordion from a blind monkey, but you… ugh! You disgust even me! Homer: Well yeah, I know b… The crew throws Homer overboard, into the water below. Homer:[Screams and lands in the water, as the ship sails away] That's the last time I trust the strangest people on earth. [Homer is washed onto the shore] Homer:[coughs and spits out water.] Even the sea won't forgive me! [Happy father and son have made a sandcastle together.] Son: That's the best sand castle we've ever built, dad! Father: We make a great team, son. Homer: Oooh, I wish I had that kind of relationship with my father. [sniffs] Or my kids. Well, I guess its up to me to take the first step! [Homer accidentally kicks over the sand castle. The kid cries, as the father yells at Homer.] Springfield Hospital... Homer:[outside] All right, this is it! No more kidding! I'm gonna show my family the kind of man I really am! [Runs to automatic-open doors. They open, but he whimpers away, whining.] Homer: All right, I'm going! [Homer does same thing again, but it is more intense.] [Homer turns around, seriously; and runs in screaming.] Abe is in the bed, and the Simpsons [minus Homer] are around his bed, along with Dr Hibbert and Rev. Lovejoy. Marge: Aren't you going to give him the last rites? Rev.: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance! Lisa: Dr. Hibbert, I thought you'd vocated another kidney for Grampa! Hibbert: Larry Hagman took it. He's got five of them now! And three hearts! We didn't want to give them to him but he overpowered us. Abe: Don't worry about old Grampa. I'm going to a better place. Shelbyville Hospital! [tries to get up, but can't] Ooooh…, who am I kiddin'? I'm a goner. Homer:[at door] No you're not, dad! Marge:[gasps] Homer! [Everyone is giving positive remarks to Homer; including Grandpa.] Abe: Son! Homer and Abe are on the hospital beds again… Homer: I'm sorry, dad. The way I behaved was shameful. I guess fear made me run away. But love made me come back. Abe: Bless you, son! I knew you'd come through for me... Hibbert: Now, Homer, this may sting just a tiny bit. But… [Homer is gone, again. Curtains flap.] Abe: Oh, son of a… Homer is running, scared. He runs onto a road where Hans Moleman is driving a car transporter. Hans: Oh dear... [brakes, only just manages to stop before hitting Homer] [Homer flinches in the usual getting-run-over way.] Homer: Phew! Boy, that was… [Rather than being ran over, a car falls from the top of the car transporter, onto Homer.] Homer: Ow!!! View is Homer's vision. Eyes blinking, everything is blurry. Vision clears up. Marge, Lisa and Bart are looking at him, smiling. Lisa: He's waking up! Marge: Oh, Homie, I'm so glad you're all right! Bart:[family moves away] Try not to move, dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil. Homer: I'm sorry I ran off again. Oh, I guess dad must be dead by now. But when I get better; and after I build those shelves for the kitchen, we'll visit his grave. Abe:[at door, wearing maroon suit] Grave nothin'! I never felt more alive! [laughs] [jumps; makes back/stomach in] Oooh boy, I shouldn't have done that! Homer: It's a miracle! You recovered! Marge, Lisa, Bart and Dr Hibbert smile and quietly laugh nervously. Homer: What? [silence] [whiney] What? [looks at stomach and sees stitches, indicating the removal of his kidney.] Hey! Hibbert: While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in; we helped ourselves to a kidney, and gave it to your father. Homer:[annoyed, trying to get Grampa.] You butcher! Give it back! Give me that…! [Abe makes fun of Homer, dancing etc.] [threatening] You dance out that door and… I'll get my kidney back, old man! You have to sleep sometime! Lisa: I know you're a little peeved at Grampa, dad, but you've done a wonderful thing! Marge: Yes! You've shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs! Homer: Yeeaaah, I guess you're right. Give me a hug! [Everyone hugs Homer saying aaaaahh, etc.] Homer: I don't need two kidneys. I have everything I need right here. [Homer feels Bart's kidney] Bart:[laughing] Dad! You're tickling me! Homer:[falsely agreeing] Yeeaaah... tickling... Bart:[realizes what Homer is up to. Looks at camera, worried.] Mmmm…? End of Act Three. Time: 20:30 Legal Stuff This episode capsule is copyright 1998 by Jeffrey Bain and Hari Wierny. This episode summary remains property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. Printed without permission.