[AABF06] Viva Ned Flanders Viva Ned Flanders Written by David M. Stern Directed by Jim Reardon =========================================================================== Production Code: AABF06 Original Airdate on FOX: 1/10/98 Transcript written on January 15, 1999. Act one. A crowd has gathered on the street in front of the Monty Burns casino; the local news is doing a report at the scene. Brockman: This is Kent Brockman, live at the Monty Burns casino. Moments from now, the house that Social Security checks built will be demolished to make way for a casino-themed family hotel! Burns, watching from behind a police line, wipes away a tear. Smithers: This must be heartbreaking for you, sir. Burns: I'm just thinking of my employees. Oh, the card sharks, bottom dealers, and shills. Where will they go? Smithers: They're managing your chain of nursing homes, sir. Burns: Excellent. Kent continues his report; we get a better look at the boarded up, broken down casino. Brockman: Gone are such headliners as "Little Timmy and the Shabangs", "The Shabangs", and "The New Shabangs, Featuring Big Timmy". -- Good to see Timmy's still getting work, "Viva Ned Flanders" The Simpsons, among the members of the crowd, have front-row spots next to the demolitioners. Marge: Remember how excited we were when this place opened? Then a week later we just forgot about it. Lisa: I'm surprised they bothered to move it when they moved the town. Homer: Oh, I can explain that. You see... Homer's explanation, however, is interrupted by the countdown. Demolitioner #1: Five, four, three, two... Bart: All right! Here comes the implosion! Demolitioner #2: Implosion? But I thought you said... The worker presses down the detonator, resulting in an immense cloud of dust that spreads out into the crowd. Don Rickells, apparently having been still in the building, flies through the air, yelling "Hockey Puck!". Homer: [laughing] Don Rickells zinged you, Marge! The Simpsons, part of the rapidly fleeing audience, run from the dust cloud and jump into the car. Homer starts it and backs up blindly, colliding with something. Lisa: Dad, we hit Don Rickells! Don: I'm okay. But the Puerto Rican guy's trying to steal your hubcaps. Ha, ha, just kidding. [singing] I'm a nice guy... Driving home with a generous coat of dust on the car, Homer runs the windshield wipers to try to brush it off, though it just comes right back on with every re-wipe. Marge: We'd better stop and get the car washed. Homer: Eh, what's the rush. It might rain next week. Lenny: [driving alongside Homer's car] Hey, Homer. Car's kinda dirty. Homer: Really? Think I should get it washed? Lenny: Yeah, maybe. Lenny pulls away, and Homer pulls into a car wash. Marge: You listen to your friends, but you never listen to me. Homer: [not listening] Hey, that's great. Homer gets out and walks into the car wash. Ahead of him in line, Cletus talks to the children and the dog in the bed of his pickup truck. Cletus: All right, young'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax? The kids cheer. Elsewhere, the Comic Book Guy explains to a car wash employee the sentimental value of his bumper decorations. Comic Book Guy: I insist you take special care with my collection of valuable and humorous bumper stickers, particularly this one, which was given to me by a Harrison Ford lookalike. Car Wash Employee: No habla Ingles, senor. The CBG walks off, and the employee uses a vacuum tube to suck them off the car. Inside the car wash, Marge looks through a bin of cassettes. Marge: Wow, you can't find this stuff anywhere. Seals and Crofts, Pablo Cruise, Air Supply, oh, Loggins and Oates...and it's free! Lisa: I've never heard of these bands, Mom, what kind of music do they play? Bart: Crap rock? Marge: [thinking] No... Homer: Wuss rock? Marge: That's it! The teenager at the register rings Homer up for his wash: ten bucks. Homer: Ten dollars? What is this, a car wash for millionaires? Bart: Throw hot wax on him, Dad. Ned: Howdy, Homer. [shows the teenager an ID card] Pimple-Faced Teen: Five dollars, please. Homer: Hey! How did Churchy La Femme get half price? Pimple-Faced Teen: Senior citizens' discount. Homer: Pfft. Senior citizen? Flanders? Well, we'll see about that. At church the next Sunday, Reverend Lovejoy preaches what he knows best. Lovejoy: And, once again, tithing is ten percent off the top. That's gross income, not net, please people, don't force us to audit. [congregation grumbles] Now we're going to pass this around a second time. Brother Ned, you'll do the honors. Homer: I wouldn't do that, Reverend. You see, "Saint Flanders" is as crooked as you or me! The church-goers murmur to each other. Homer: That's right. It's my sad duty to rat out this man for defrauding a car wash. How you ask? With a phony senior discount card! The people gasp and whisper. Ned: That's not quite true. Homer: Did you, or did you not use a senior citizens' discount card at said car wash? Ned: Well, I did, but... Homer: Now I'm not a fancy big city lawyer, [congregation gasps] but it seems to me that a senior citizen has to be over fifty-five. Isn't that so? Ned: Well, yes... Homer: And you are how old? Ned: [sighs] I suppose if you must know, I'm...well, I...I'm sixty. The congregation smiles and talk amongst themselves. Lenny: What's your secret, Flanders? Goat placenta? Monkey sweat? Carl: Some kind of a electric hat? Moe: Holy water? It's holy water, right? [he splashes some on his face] Aaah! It burns! Ned: Listen folks, there's no magic formula. I just follow the three 'C's: clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of vitamin 'church'! The congregation sighs loudly in disappointment. Ned: And of course, I resist all the major urges. Mel: All of them? Marge: You mean you've never splurged and say, eaten an entire birthday cake and blamed it on the dog? Edna: You've never licked maple syrup off your lover's stomach? Agnes glares at Skinner. Bart: You've never snuck out of church to break into cars? Ned: No, no, and double no! I haven't done any of those things, folks. You name it, I haven't done it! Homer: Geez, Flanders, you're sixty years old and you haven't lived a day in your life! Carl: Yeah, even the boy in the bubble had a deck of cards. Again, the churchpeople talk with each other, smiling. After the service, the Flanders drive home together. Ned: Can you believe it? It almost seems like those folks were...were making fun of ol' steady Neddy! Maude: Well, you may be a bit cautious. What's wrong with that? Some people like chunky peanut butter, some like smooth! Ned: Mmm-hmm, and some people just steer clear of that whole hornet's nest! I'll stick with just plain white bread, thank you very much, maybe with a... The rest of the Flanders clan finishes his sentence for him: "...glass of water on the side for dippin'!". At this, Ned slams on the breaks, stopping the car in the middle of the road. Ned: Gosh darnit! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable? [sighs] I've wasted my whole dang-diddly life! A car filled with three attractive women, as well as Abe and Jasper, pull up alongside them. Grandpa, driving, shouts "Hey there!" Ned: Look at that! Everyone's living it up except Ned. The convertible pulls away, and Abe, out of Ned's earshot, yells, "We're being car-jacked!" One of the women cocks a gun and points it at Abe. Woman: Don't get clever, old man! Now take us to Dress Barn! End of act one. Time: 5:39.6 Act two. At the home of the Flanders, Ned walks into his kitchen with a few extra ruffles in his ol' pushbroom. He eyes some bread and water that's been placed on the table for him. Maude: Where have you been, Neddy? Ned: In the bathroom...not trimming my moustache! What do you think? Do I remind you of troubled troubadour David Crosby? Maude: No. You remind me of silly-billy Ned Flanders! Maude and the kids laugh. Ned: Would a 'silly-billy' sit like this? Ned pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards, causing his back to emit a cracking noise. Maude: Rod, call Dr. Stein. -- Ned's teenage years, sixty-seven too late, "Viva Ned Flanders" On the rooftop of his house, Homer has a pile of meat stacked up beside the chimney. Ned spots him from the window. Homer: All right, Bart, fire in the hole! A blast of fire shoots out the chimney, cooking the meat Homer has on a spit. "Okay, no more gasoline," Homer yells. Ned observes this with curiosity and joins Homer on the Simpson roof. Homer: Full power! [flames pour out the chimney] Ned: Never a dull moment, huh, Homer? Homer: You got that right. Throw on the mesquite, Bart! Bart: [from living room] Mesquite it is! Bart tosses a tire into the fireplace, sending clouds of black smoke up the chimney, enveloping the meat. Ned: This may sound just a teensy bit insane in the ol' membrane, Homer, but I was wondering if you could show me how to have some fun. Homer: Well, well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky-pants Simpson. Ned: Heh, heh, yeah, I guess I do. Homer: Welly, welly, welly. Mister Clean wants to hang with dirty Dingus McGee. Ned: How 'bout it, Homer, will you teach me the secret of your intoxicating lust for life? Homer: Wellisy, wellisy, wellisy... Ned: Stop that! Will you help me or not? Homer: [swigs, then tosses his empty off the side] Let's do it. Homer sits down and slides of the roof. Ned calls down to him. Ned: So what about all this meat? Homer: Ah, the misses will clean that up. Marge: [appearing on the rooftop with cleaning supplies] Now it's Marge's time to shine! In the kitchen, Homer wears his reading glasses and talks business with his neighbor. Homer: First of all, I get five dollars a day, plus expenses. Ned: Seems fair. Homer: And I'll need your signature here, here, and...initial here. Lisa: [walking in] Hah, you're not really giving my father power of attorney, are you? Ned: Of course I'm...[gasps] oh, my stars, I can't do that! Homer: Well, that's unfortunate, it really is. Ned: [sighs] All right. Homer: Congratulations. Welcome to the Homer Simpson Program. Ned: So, what happens next? Homer: One day soon, I will come for you. And then the game will begin. Could be in the middle of the night...could be when you least expect it. Or, whatever's good for you, I don't care. Driving in Homer's car together, Ned has a pen and notepad for note-taking ready. Ned: Okay, Homer, I'm ready to learn! What's the first lesson? Give me the topic sentence. Homer: Mmm...give me that! [grabs pad and throws it out the window] That's your problem! You're living up here! [points to his head] You gotta live down here! [points to a spot a little lower on his head] In the impulse zone! If you wanna be like me, you gotta make snap decisions, like this! Homer spins the car out, ending up facing the other direction. Homer: We're going to break the bank at the Monty Burns Casino! Ned: Homer, they blew that up yesterday. Homer: Oh, yeah, right. Then we're going to Las Vegas! Which is actually back in that direction. Homer spins the car out again and drives off. Homer: [singing] Nobody's gonna take my Ned, gonna teach him to have fu-uh-un! Driving down the highway, they pass Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo, driving the other way, obviously tripping. Gonzo's head looks sort of like a giant onion from which bubbles fly. Dr. Gonzo: That sure was a fun trip to Las Vegas. Raoul Duke: Ah, too many kids. In Homer's car, as it begins to get dark, Ned checks his watch. Ned: Ooh, it's going on eight-thirty. I better call Maude and tell her where I am. Homer: Relax, I called her from the gas station. Ned: Thanks, buddy. Homer: [snickering to himself] Sucker. Homer and Ned drive among the lights and signs of Sin City. Ned: Gee, Homer, it all looks so garish. Oh, the lights, the noise, the letter 'X'! It's, it's all designed to enflame the senses. I'm overstimulated, I gotta get out of this town! Homer: I don't think so. [power locks the doors] I think you'll find escape is quite impossible. Ned: [flips up the door lock] No, I got it. Jumping out of the car, he runs into Joan Rivers. Rivers: Oh, oh! Would you like to be in the audience for my infomercial? Ned: Aaahh! [jumps back into the car] Rivers: [running alongside car] Help me! My daughter's not talented! -- "Viva Ned Flanders" Pulling into "Nero's Palace", Homer and Ned notice a man on a motorcycle high above them. Homer: Hey! Lance Murdock! Ned: If he's not careful, his scooter could roll right down that ramp. Homer: He's a daredevil, Ned! He laughs at death. Ned: Huh, when I wanna laugh, I'll take Bob Saget, thank you very much! -- He hasn't seen "Half Baked" I'll bet, "Viva Ned Flanders" Announcer: And now, the indestructible Lance Murdock will jump his 'suicycle' over an audience member. And he'll do it while attempting to open a locked safe on his head! Any volunteers? Homer: Pick him! Pick him! Ned: No, Homer, no! I want do something exciting, but I can't just go from zero to thirty like that! I could be killed! Homer: Fine, I'll do it. [to Murdock] Where do you want me? Murdock: On the 'X'! Homer looks to a nearby ramp with a skull and crossbone 'X' on it. Red colored splatters decorate the incline. Homer: You mean the one with the red paint? Murdock: Uh, yeah, paint. Now, it's of critical importance that you don't... Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll figure it out. This isn't rocket science. Murdock: Well actually, there are several rockets mounted to the... Homer: Boring! Homer lies down and the drumroll begins. With a safe on his head, Lance takes off down the ramp and into the air. Announcer: He's cleared the ring of fire...and the ring of ice...over the dog doo stick...he's cracked the safe... Homer: [sitting up] Hey, Flanders, don't spill my beer! Murdock: Oh, God, lay down! Lay down! Murdock, attempting to miss Homer, crashes and rolls into a nearby concrete wall. Medics pounce on him with an electric heart-starter. Announcer: He's all right, folks! The crowd cheers while Homer walks away with Ned. Homer: Okey-doke. Let's hit the tables. Ned: Huh! My God, Homer, watching you risk your life turned my beat box all the way up to...rumba! Well yeah, I was praying you'd be safe, but to, to, to be honest part of me wanted to see you get splattered! Homer: Ooh, I think someone just had his first taste of bloodlust! At the roulette, Homer tries to figure out on which number to bet. Homer: Let's see, what's Marge's birthday? Barney is April twentieth, same as Hitler's, so Marge must be fifty...oh, forget it. Flanders, what's your birthday? Ned: Aw, leave me out of this, Homer. Games of chance are strictly forbidden by Deuteronomy 7. Homer: Seven, eh? Homer places his chips on seven; the ball lands in the seven slot. Homer: Way to go, Flanders! The Bible's finally pulling its weight. Got any more holy numbers? Ned: Oh, I got a bunch, Homer, but I just don't feel right. Oh, Lord, what should I do? Ned looks up at the ceiling, staring at a black bubble camera which silently says "Keep gaming." Ned: What? Security Man: [speaking through bubble] It means gambling. Keep gambling. Ned: Oh! Righty-O! One betting disk, please. Homer: [mockingly] "One betting disk, please." Watch and learn. Homer empties the contents of Ned's wallet onto the table. The number loses, and the dealer pulls the stack away. Homer: Well, there you go! Now how 'bout a drink? At a table, Homer sits drinking, next to Ned. Ned: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says, 'think'? Homer: You mean Lisa? Ned: Oh, no, I mean common sense. Homer: Oh, that. That can be treated with our good friend alcohol! You might want to write that down. Where the hell's your notebook? Ned: You threw it out the... Homer: Never mind, just pay attention. Slave girl! Oh, slave girl! Amber: More libations, my imperial conqueror? Homer: Huh? Ginger: [annoyed] More booze! Homer: Oh, yeah. Two more of these, please. And for you, Ned? Ned: I'll have a Shirley...no, a Virgin...no! Make it a children's... Oh, what the heck, you only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer! The word 'spritzer' echoes in Ned's brain; moments later, in our time at least, the two sit in a hottub in the middle of a completely trashed hotel room. Ned wakes up. Ned: Oh my goodness, Homer, wake up! [shakes Homer] Homer: Meh...up? Ned: Look at this place. We must have really painted the town last night. I have a pounding headache, my mouth tastes like vomit, and I don't remember a thing! Homer: Welcome to my world. Ned: Oh, I did it! I conquered my fears, and I made up for a lot of lost living! And I owe it all to the Homer Simpson program! Ginger: Well, it's about time you two woke up. Homer: Well of course it...aah! Who are you? Ginger: Who am I? I'm Mrs. Ned Flanders! Ned: Gaahh! Homer: [laughing] Hey, smooth move, Flanders! Amber: And I'm Mrs. Homer Simpson. Homer: Aaah! Ned: Here comes that vomit again. Homer: Bleeah! End of Act Two. Time: 14:35.7 Act Three. Homer and Ned are still a bit shaken up; Homer tries to determine the situation for himself. Homer: Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, you're saying that Ned and me married you two. Amber: Oh yeah, we're hitched all right. "'Til death do us part." Ned: [trying to hang himself with a belt] I'm working on that. Homer: Ned, no! Think of your wives! -- "Viva Ned Flanders" Homer: Wait a minute. This could be some kind of scam. Or possibly scamola! We would remember if we got married. Amber: Boy, you did have a lot to drink last night, Homeo! Ginger: Take a look at this. [she hands Homer a video] Homer: Aw, precious memories. Sticking the tape in the video player, Homer sees both himself and Ned at a wedding boutique with the two cocktail waitresses. Ned wears a 70's-style suit with gold chains, and Homer a hat and tie. Ned: I okily...dokily...schmokily do! Minister: And do you, Homer, take this cocktail waitress you just met to be your lawfully wedded wife? Homer: What did you call me? Minister: [sighs] Do you want to get married? Married! Homer: Sure! Sock it to me, baby. Minister: By the power vested in me by the Chicago Outfit, I now pronounce you husbands and wives. Homer and Ned's new wives kiss them to electronic wedding music. Back in the hotel room, Homer comes to a horrifying realization. Homer: We are so dead. Later, at the hotel restaurant, Homer and Ned sit at a table opposite their new wives. Homer: Ladies, we wanna do the honorable thing, so breakfast is on us. With full waffle bar privileges. But first, I'm afraid we have some bad news. [sighs] The waffle bar is closed. I'm sorry, I'm so very... Ned: Homer! The bad news, ladies, is we already have wives. Amber: Well you can't be very happy with them if you married us. Ginger: You two fellas are the nicest husbands we've ever had. And we're not giving you up without a fight. Homer: But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be. Ned: Ginger's my wife! Homer: Are you sure? Oh, rats. No offense, sweetie. Ned: Homer, why don't we go make the girls some custom omelets? Homer: Geez, I've never seen anyone so whipped so fast. [makes whip sound] At the breakfast counter, Ned is has a panic attack while Homer gathers some food items onto a tray. Ned: What are we gonna do, Homer? My kids are gonna be traumatized! And then there's Maude! And then there's Maude!! Homer: I don't know, Flanders, having two wives could have its advantages. Homer's imagination conjures up himself lying in a hammock while Marge and the cocktail waitress chop wood and dig a hole, respectively. Homer: Chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig, chop, chop, dig, dig... Marge: You know, Homey, there's so much more two wives could do for you... Homer: I hear digging, but I don't hear chopping! -- Um, yeah...they could bring you a beer and a lemonade, "Viva Ned Flanders" Just then, in his dream, a bee flies by. "Ooh! A friendly bee!" he says, until it sits on his nose and stings him, making him scream. Back at the casino, Homer holds his nose. Homer: Ow! That sting hurts so much! We gotta get out of this, Ned. Ned: Well do something. This is all your fault. You and your stupid program! Homer: Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the Program! The Program is rock solid! The Program is sound! Ginger: Yoo hoo! Homer: Oh, those awful women want their omelets. Ned: Oh, how are we gonna get out of this mess in an honorable and decent... [sees Homer running off] Oh...nuts! [runs after him] Ginger: I don't know...omelets have a lot of fat in them. Amber: Forget it! You're married. Let yourself go. [sees the guys making a break for it] They're running away! To the tune of "Viva Las Vegas", Homer and Ned run from the waitresses into the casino and knock over a bunch of slot machines, whose engrossed users simply tilt their heads to keep playing. Pulling two janitors into a utility room, they attempt to beat them up, but things unfortunately end up the other way around. Crawling away in pain, they encounter their wives once more and run back into the casino, where Gil tries his luck at craps. Gil: Come on, baby, show Gil a four! [rolls dice] Dealer: Craps! Gil: Oh, no, why did I bet the company payroll? Oh, Gil's in a lot of trouble. Homer and Ned, hiding behind Gil's table, are spotted by both their wives and the Security Cameraman. Amber: Somebody help! Our husbands are trying to ditch us! Security Man: Someone dishonoring their marriage vows? Not in Las Vegas. Attention all employees! We've got two runaways. Stop them! The two are surrounded by men in black suits, Seigfriend and Roy clones with a white tiger, Drederick Tatum, and the Moody Blues, who improvise a poem. Moody Blue #1: Cold-hearted Homer ditching his wife, While ancient Ned runs for his life. Moody Blue #2: Chips of red, and blue, and white, But we decide, we... Moody Blue #3: Can the poems, it's arse-whipping time. Moody Blue #4: [pulling out a knife] I want fatty. Homer yells; our two heroes soon find themselves cornered. Homer: What if we switched wives? Would that help? Ned: For the last time, no! Homer: [noticing a display car] Hello! Our ticket to freedom! Homer jumps in the convertible and yells "So long, suckers." His pause, however, gives the casino employees time to jump on top of the car and pummel the two. Later, Tatum tosses the two past a sign that reads "State Line", into the desert next to the highway. Security Man: Get out and stay out. Las Vegas don't care for out-of-towners. Take your money and go someplace else. Amber: And don't you ever try to marry us again. Ginger: We found some guys that know how to treat a woman. The Seigfried and Roy clones glance at each other, while their white tiger looks about uneasily. They walk off; Homer gets down on his knees. Homer: But Amber, I can change! Ned: Will you shut up?! Homer: All right, let's get our stories straight for Marge and Maude. [the two begin walking down the highway] We were out buying them fabulous gifts... Ned: What's the occasion? Homer: Because we love them, jackass! Anyhoo, we came out of Wal-Mart when suddenly, one hundred spaceships... Ned: Homer! Homer: You're right, you're right, fifty spaceships beamed us aboard. They gang-probed you, while I discovered an invention that blew their heads up and saved America. Ned: Uh, do I have to be gang-probed? Two vultures land on the highway behind them, first looking at Ned and Homer, then each other. Homer: Would you rather tell Maude the truth? Ned: [sighs] What did the aliens look like? Homer: Well, I only saw them from the back 'cause they were so busy gang-probing you. Well hello, little birdie! Homer and Ned scream through the first part of the credits, presumably being attacked by the birds. "Cover your eyes!" Homer yells. The credits roll on Vegas marquees, accompanied by the song "Viva Las Vegas". End of Act Three. Time: 20:48.0