Okay, this story is set in the 3rd Season, after Chandler and Janice had broken up. I had written this some time ago, but it's just been lying around waiting for me to tidy up the loose ends. By the time I actually got around to doing this, Rachel and Ross were on the verge of breaking up, but I really couldn't be arsed updating the storyline to take this into account. Anyway, it's a little longer than normal but I hope you enjoy it.
[ Scene: Overview of beautiful scenery, mountains, lakes. Cut to interior of ancient old bus. All there, bouncing around on rock hard seats as ancient old bus driver takes them up a back road towards a large cabin. Dust is flying around and everyone is coughing and sneezing, Chandler and Joey have their mouths positioned over the small part of the windows that are open gulping in fresh air. Monica is trying to clean a huge amount of dust off the seat in front of her but succeeds only in whipping it up into Phoebe's face.]
PHOEBE: OH! [closes her eyes and coughs, splutters and wheezes] Oh! Oh! Okay..Monica? This crappity old bus is bad enough without you making like the special effects guy from Twister!!
MONICA: Sorry, sorry. I was just trying to make things more comfortable.
RACHEL: [disgruntled] Yeah well, I'm sure making us lie on a forest floor for four days will make us all real comfy! Explain to me again why we can't stay in your Aunt Sylvia's cabin?
MONICA: Because.
RACHEL: [as if that explains everything] Ahh, Yes! ... I forgot, Because! Heh.......Emm, Mon? I know this may be a silly question but..umm..[growls] Because Why?!!
MONICA: Just Because! [Rachel grimaces in frustration and gets ready to try again]
CHANDLER: Forget it Rach. There is no defeating the "Because" argument! Believe me, I've tried. [announcer voice] "It's the argument of choice for 9 out of 10 owners of 5 year old mentalities!"
PHOEBE: You argue with 5 year olds?
CHANDLER: No....just Joey....[Cut to shot of Joey sitting behind Ross]
JOEY: [To Ross] Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
[The bus hits a particularly bad stretch of road and everyone bounces up and down hard on their seats]
RACHEL: Ow..ow..ow..ow..ow..[bus hits a big bump, everyone bar Rachel grabs onto something, she flies up and hits her head on the low roof of the bus] OWWWW!!!
ROSS: [from up near the driver] You okay sweetie?
RACHEL: [rubbing her head angrily and glaring at Monica] I will be, when I get out of this flea infested death trap and into a hot bath..[starts to rub her ass] ..Ooooh..preferably one with a nice soft cushion on the bottom...ooooohh...
JOEY: Hey Rachel..you can always come on sit on ole Joey's lap...[pats his thighs] My Indian name is.."Lap like a.."!
CHANDLER: Dog?
JOEY: [fake laugh] No-o.."Cloud"! [waggles his eyebrows at Rachel]
RACHEL: [meaningfully] Y'know Joey...the way this clunker is jiggling all over the place if I came and sat over there I don't think it'd be the softest part of you for very long..[Joey grins lasciviously]....but, then, after a few more of those really BIG bounces you'd probably have to change your Indian name to "Walks with a limp"[Joey winces and crosses his legs]
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: As before. Bus bouncing up the road.]
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh Look! A deer! [everyone tries to peer out the windows of the bus but they're covered in grime]..ohhhh..Oh no wait! No..um..it's just a picnic table...
[Chandler tries to clean off some of the grime. Rubs furiously with his sleeve for a few seconds and manages to make a teeny tiny hole. The bus veers sharply to the left, they all hang on for dear life, bags fly everywhere. Chandler looks at his muddy coloured sleeve then at Joey]
CHANDLER: Y'know...it's kinda like travelling to your doom inside a Clark bar...
[Ross slowly works his way down towards them. The bus bounces and he falls sideways into Chandler's lap, who automatically wraps his arms around Ross. They look at each other calmly.]
ROSS: ...I guess...some guys might freak in this situation.
CHANDLER: [nods slowly in agreement] Yes, yes they would.
ROSS: But I think we are above that particular childish reaction.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes we are.
[They look away from each other and look calmly around. The bus bounces. Ross bounces. Chandler's eyebrows shoot up.]
CHANDLER: WOAH!! [Ross leaps up off him quickly, and scrambles into the empty seat across the aisle. Regains some composure.]
ROSS: ..Ahem..umm..ahem..Hank says were almost there...in fact [peers through the crack of the window that is open]...I think it's just around the next corner.
MONICA: [mimicking him] I think it's just around the next corner...I think it's just around the next corner..I think....Alright..Ross? You realize that is like the BAZILLIONTH time you've used that particular phrase!?!?
[The bus screeches to a halt and everyone flies forward into the seats ahead of them.]
CHANDLER: [recovering] Ahh! A graduate of the Buffay driving school of excellence!
[Scene: The bus door slams shut and skids off and away, revealing all standing outside an amazing 2 storey log cabin with wooden stairs going up to the porch. The door is hand carved and there are beautiful curtains hanging in all the windows. Their bags are on the ground beside them. They all stare at the cabin.]
RACHEL: Woah! What style would you call that?
PHOEBE: Umm...Martha Stewart mugs Dr Quinn [real intense] "Medicine Woman"!!!
MONICA: O.K!! Ross, you and the guys take the bags down to the jetty, and Rachel, Phoebe and I will...[Phoebe starts to breath loudly and rapidly in and out of her nose, Monica looks concerned]...Phoebs? Are you okay? Phoebe?
PHOEBE: [stops] Hmm? Oh! Oh Yeah! I'm fine...look at this place! [gestures to the great open spaces] It's soooo beautiful!! I'm just glorying in the "Ultra gnarliness" that is Mother Nature! I mean you just don't see this in the city! But then of course you couldn't..cause it's the city and of course this is the country and you wouldn't expect to see this in the city cause the city is the city whereas the country is the..LOOK! [they all jump] Oh! Ohh..Smell! [she swirls around, arms wide out, Chandler, Joey and Ross scramble back] Mountains, lakes, birds, animals...[stops] Oooh! Oooh! Trees! BIG Trees! [Runs to the big pines by the side of the cabin and leans against one putting her arms around it]
CHANDLER: [to Joey] Damn! You were right! She actually is a "Tree-Hugger"! [looks again at Phoebe and frowns] ...There is something..I can't quite put my finger on it..something... somewhat stimulating about this picture..[Joey and Chandler cock their heads and watch as Phoebe wraps herself tighter around the tree. Ross sighs and grabs the two of them by the arm.]
ROSS: Come on you guys...lets go...[leads them down to the jetty]
[Scene: Timelapse. Joey enters the cabin, singing "Oklahoma" very badly and in full voice. Ross and Chandler trudge wincingly behind him.]
JOEY: [singing] ....K..L..A..H..O..M..A! OKLAHO-----MA!!! [swings around and grins broadly at the guys]
ROSS: Congratulations Joey! You've just managed to sing the entire score to Oklahoma in the key of...OFF! [walks away waggling his finger in his ear, Joey looks disgruntled. Chandler slaps him heartily on the shoulder]
CHANDLER: I am truly impressed Joe! Really! I mean, is there NO beginning to this man's talent?!?!
[walks away. Joey looks pleased]
JOEY: [sinks in] HEY!!!
[Monica and Phoebe come out of the kitchen area]
ROSS: O.K! We are all set down at the boats. All we need are the supplies.
MONICA: All ready! Aunt Sylvia left them alphabetised and boxed all waiting for us!
JOEY: She alphabetised the food?! [Monica gives him a blank uncomprehending look]
ROSS: [shakes his head sadly. To Joey] The disease only seriously affects the female half of the Geller line, we're still working on a cure...
[Rachel comes running down from upstairs]
RACHEL: You guys! You've got to see this place! It's fabulous!
CHANDLER: [looking at an antique lamp] Yeah, this place makes the Vatican look shabby, Mon. What do your Uncle and Aunt do?
MONICA: Well...Aunt Sylvia runs a furniture design company. [looks at Ross uncomfortably] And..Uncle Freddie...well..he..he...[flails her arms about]...y'know..
ROSS: ...He's involved in the publishing industry...sort of..
JOEY: How do you mean.."sort of"?
ROSS: Well..he..he..doesn't actually work..per se. He kind of lives off an investment he made a few years ago.
CHANDLER: [sensing fear, and moving in] An investment in.....?
ROSS: [looks at Monica who starts to chew on a knuckle] Y'see..he kind of lent some money to a guy a long time ago who was trying to start up a magazine, and they came to a kind of shares arrangement....
RACHEL: [to Monica] Who was the guy?
MONICA: [knuckle in mouth mumbles] ....Uuem Meifdler...
RACHEL: I'm sorry?
MONICA: [mumbles again]...Prum Gleroler
RACHEL: Let's try that one more time shall we? [moves Monica's hand away from her mouth]
MONICA: [mumbles anyway] Glue Eerfler
ROSS: [sighs] ...Hugh Hefner.
ALL: WHAT?!!
JOEY: Your Uncle owns shares in PLAYBOY!? How could you not tell us this!!! Your Uncle knows Hugh Hefner! The man is a GOD! He's one of my all time Idols, y'know? Along with Cary Grant, Warren Beatty and y'know...Goofy!
CHANDLER: [looks at Joey] We-he-ellll ....that explains a lot!
ROSS: [picks up a box of supplies] Look you guys, the..the family doesn't like to..to talk about how Uncle Freddie makes his money. Mom and Aunt Lillian really..really hate it and it was agreed that after a family summit that it should never ever be mentioned again...at least while any of us have breath in our bodies, so..so let's just leave it, huh?
CHANDLER: But..you just told us.
PHOEBE: Oooh yeah..oh you broke the family bond! Really bad Karma!
ROSS: [puts the box down] That's different it's you guys! [Monica moves to stand beside him] Besides, if it ever gets out then we'll know it was one of you and then..I'm afraid we'll have to kill you before our Mom finds out.
JOEY:[chuckles] Yeah right! [continues to laugh then sees both Monica and Ross staring at him stonefaced, laughter dries up and he moves behind Chandler for protection.]
CHANDLER: [excitedly] So..like..how did he meet Hugh Hefner? [To Monica] Has he ever been to the Playboy Mansion?! [To Ross] Did he ever meet Miss April 1992?! [getting manic] How 'bout November '94? July '93?! September '89! [grabs Ross's shirt and starts to shake him] Tell me! Tell me! Tell ME! [realises what he's doing, doesn't stop] Help Me! Help Me! Help ME!![stops shaking Ross and hangs his head] ..Oh God, I really need a girlfriend...
PHOEBE: [sympathetically] Oh. [moves towards him and holds out her arms]
[Chandler slowly shuffles into them, head still bowed, and they hug. Suddenly Phoebe reaches down and slaps him quickly on the butt.]
CHANDLER: Ow! [leans back and looks at her surprised] What d'ya slap me for?
PHOEBE: For reading magazines that are demeaning to women. But y'know it..it was really only a "sla-" y'know? Rather than a "SLAP!" 'cause...y'know..it's only Playboy.
CHANDLER: Oh..okay..[moves back into the hug, pause]....y'know you can do it again if you want..
PHOEBE: Ewwww![pushes him away, grabs Ross's box and marches out.]
MONICA: Alright you guys let's go! Widow's Island awaits!
RACHEL: [groans] Oh but Mon! This place is amazing! Can't we stay here, please??? [turns to Ross] Y'know there's a jacuzzi in the master bedroom! [moves closer to him and starts fiddling with his shirt buttons]
ROSS: [absently] Y'know..one night couldn't..couldn't hurt...[Monica turns her glare on him. He swallows]... but then again I don't want to take that chance....sorry honey! [moves Rachel aside, picks up another box and hurries out past Chandler.]
CHANDLER: [fondly] Ah...a brother's fear of his sister, is there anything more beautiful?
[Monica turns the look on him, he looks frantically for a box, finds none, so just turns and runs like hell, much to Monica' satisfaction.]
[Scene: The Lake. The canoes are packed. Monica, Rachel and Ross sit in one, one one side of the jetty. While Joey, Phoebe and Chandler sit in the other on the far side. Monica and Ross have the paddles with Rachel, engrossed in a book, seated in the centre, and Joey and Chandler have the paddles in the other with Phoebe in the centre.]
RACHEL: [absently, to no one in particular] Wow, have you guys read the history of this place?
MONICA: [to the others] Are you sure you'll be okay?
CHANDLER: Yeah! No problem! I spent 5 summers in camp!
ROSS: Really? You never told me that.
CHANDLER: [proudly] Yeah I was "Champion Chipmunk", 3 years straight at "Camp Smum"! [Ross mouths "SMUM?" in disbelief] Yep..I ruled the roost! Cock o' the walk, that was me! I had every merit badge going...[trails off at the realisation of what he's saying as he sees everyone staring at him.] Hey..I was 9 years old! [Looks over the side of the boat into the water] ....y'know it's days like this when suicide does seem painless..
JOEY: [shakes his head sadly ] "Champion Chipmonk"?! "Cock o' the walk?!" And then you wonder why you have a career in data processing! [sighs] ..it's like I always say once a dork always a dork!
MONICA: O.K! We'll meet you guys on the other side. We'll help you get unpacked when you arrive..[unties the mooring rope]
JOEY: Hey! Whaddya mean when we arrive..we'll help you unpack when YOU arrive! [To Chandler] Right buddy?
PHOEBE: [before Chandler] Right! We're gonna kick your skinny ass, Geller Girl!
MONICA: Oooh..[pushes off] I'd be scared...I really would, but you have to be NEAR someone to kick their ass, so I figure...feh! [she and Ross start to paddle rapidly away]
JOEY: Hey! C'mon they're gettin' away! Let's go! [unties the rope and starts to paddle]
[They move a few yards out then Joey realises the boat is turning back the way they came. Looks back and sees Chandler paddling on the same side he is.]
JOEY: Opposite side man! Opposite side! [he switches sides]
[They move back on course but then start swinging back to the Jetty this time to the left. Again Joey looks back to see Chandler has also switched to the side he's paddling on. He stops and turns around angrily.]
JOEY: Hey! Chipmonk?! ..Yo! Alvin!
CHANDLER: What?! You said opposite side!
JOEY: I meant, we paddle on opposite sides! Uhh..what was the name of the camp you went to again? "Camp DUMB"?
[Timelapse. The middle of the lake. Monica and Ross are still ahead, but Joey and Chandler are back on course and catching up. Cut to Joey and Chandler's canoe. Phoebe is seated in the middle with a large sealed tupperware bowl on her knee, banging out a beat with two spoons.]
PHOEBE: Row! And Row! And Row! And Row! FASTER! FASTER! Put some back bone into it you wusses! [starts to beat faster, Joey and Chandler quicken the pace.] Row! Row! Row! Damn it! We'll never catch them if you don't ROW!!! [goes even quicker on the spoons, Chandler and Joey desperately try to keep up] [Cut. With Rachel still reading oblivious to all, Monica and Ross are paddling hard, but Joey and Chandler are gradually pulling up alongside them, with Phoebe cackling maniaclly while banging out the beat with just one spoon.]
MONICA: C'mon Ross! They're almost up on us!
PHOEBE: That's it! That's it! [opens the tupperware part of the way with her free hand] Oooh! Brownies!
[Cut: The guys boat has drawn level with the Gellers, Phoebe grins across at them her mouth full of brownies]
PHOEBE: [mouth full] Fro..Fro..Fro..Fum on you fuys! [swallows] We're gonna win this!! [to the others] We're gonna whup your Long Island citified asses! You're gonna wish you never left New York City! Yessiree! Ain't that right boys?!
ROSS: [panting hard] If she whips out a banjo, I'm going home right now!
[Cut: The guys have passed out the Gellers and are almost there. Rachel is still sitting quietly during all of this reading her book, while Monica and Ross slowly go red in the face.]
MONICA: [gasping] Ro..Ros..Ross?
ROSS: ...Nnuuuhh?
MONICA: ...Are..we..going..to..catch..them?
ROSS: [shaking his head]...Nnnuuuhhh...
[They stop paddling simultaneously and look at each other]
MONICA & ROSS: Geller Plan D? [they both nod and settle into a leisurely stroke pattern]
MONICA: "D"eny everything! [smiles happily]
[Phoebe puts down the brownies on the bottom of the boat and looks back over her shoulder as the canoe rockets towards the shore and sees Monica & Ross slowly following on.]
PHOEBE: YES! We did it! We did it! WE WON!!
[Both Chandler and Joey swing around to look]
CHANDLER & JOEY: YES!!
[The canoe, going at lightning speed, plows into the shore.]
JOEY: [flying forward out of the boat into the bushes] YE-E-E-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
[Chandler crashes into Phoebe who goes face forward into the open tupperware box of brownies on the bottom of the boat. After a few moments, Ross and Monica come gliding up and the boat slides neatly up onto the bank. Chandler is the first to recover.]
CHANDLER: We won! We won! You were SO left behind! [launches into quick burst of "For Once in My Life"
MONICA: [innocently] Won what?
CHANDLER: The race! The race! The...whaddya mean [Monica voice] "Won What?"
MONICA: Ross? Were you aware of any "race"?
ROSS: Race? No...I don't remember anyone saying anything about a race.
MONICA: Yep..we were just paddling along! [gets up and hops out of the boat]
CHANDLER: Nuh Huh!! [Monica just looks blankly at him] But....but..but you! And we! [points at Phoebe who's still trying to clean the icing off her face] And then she..with the spoons! And the beating...and the panting...and the heart failure! [wails] We WON!!
ROSS: [shrugs] Sorry...don't know what you're talking about. [hops out into the water and helps pull the boat up on the shore]
CHANDLER: No..No..NO! I know what you're doing, you're trying to mess with my head! You think that just because I'm suffering from oxygen deprevation....[stops, takes a deep breath, draws himself up in a dignified manner]....you are so childish. You know we won fair and square. Fine! Play your silly little childish Geller games, I will not sink to your level!
[He steps out of the boat into the water between the two boats and promptly disappears down a sink hole up to his neck. Rachel finally emerges from her book, and looks around to see Chandler's face beside her.]
RACHEL: [rolls her eyes] Oh for....swimming with your clothes on?! Grow up Chandler!
[Scene: In a clearing putting up the tents. Monica and Phoebe are working on theirs, Monica's finishing off outside as Phoebe crawls around inside spreading the sleeping bags. Ross is struggling to put his and Rachel's up by himself as Rachel sits on a log nearby still engrossed in her book. Chandler and Joey's is in a heap on the ground unattended. Ross keeps glancing at Rachel hoping she'll notice and decide to help.]
RACHEL: Wow..did you guys know why this place is called Widow's Island?
ROSS: [grumpily] Because some guy's wife wouldn't help him put their tent up and he froze to death?!
RACHEL: [gives him one of her sneers] Oh alright! [gets up and starts to fix what he's done wrong]
MONICA: [to Rachel] Did you mean the Jackson Incident?
PHOEBE: [looks out of the tent] Oooh, what? What?
RACHEL:[much to Ross's surprise she whizzes past Ross, hammering tent poles into the ground] Apparantly Phoebs, way back in the early 30's, the night before this guy, Alvin Jackson was supposed to get married? He and 4 of his friends decided to do a kind of tribal thing and initiate their last unmarried friend into the "secrets of married life"..you know men. [the 3 girls laugh in a worldly wise way...Ross looks around for support but the guys aren't there so he takes a sudden interest in a nearby tree. Rachel grabs the tent pegs he's holding and continues fixing up the tent at break neck speed, Ross is just standing staring at her at this stage.]
RACHEL: So..anyway..2 days later they hadn't returned home and search parties were sent out. When one of the parties found them, they were all dead, their bodies lying all over the island!
PHOEBE: [gasps] Cool....what happened?!
RACHEL: No one knows! There were no marks of any kind on their bodies, they were just lying there! But they say there have been ghostly sightings of the victims ever since.[finishes the tent and throws the 2 bed rolls inside, Ross stares at her.]
ROSS: [clears his throat.] There..there y'see how much faster we get things done when we work to..together?
[Rachel just looks at him. Suddenly Chandler and Joey leap out of the nearby bushes each with a tent pole in their hand and Joey has a tupperware box over his mouth. Everyone jumps.]
JOEY: [doing Darth Vader] You should not have come back Old Man! [lightsaber noise] Wrrrmm Wrrrmmm! [they clash poles] ...emm..when we last met I was the student...or something...now I am the master!
CHANDLER: Wrrmm Wrrmmm Wrmmm[In croaky voice] Only a Master of Evil, Darth...[stops for] What a cool name! Y'know if I ever have a kid I'm gonna call him Darth! Yeah! He'll get some respect with that name! No one messes with Darth! Darth Bing!
MONICA: You cannot be serious! Who in their right mind would give a child a name like Darth Bing!
CHANDLER: Could be worse.
MONICA: How?!
CHANDLER: I could call him Robert.
RACHEL: What's wrong with Robert?
CHANDLER: Nothing. Till people start introducing him as Bob Bing! Or..or better yet! How about Rob Bing?!?!
MONICA: [thinks about it] Y'know he's got a point.....
PHOEBE: [inside the tent again] This is so cool! We're totally communing with Nature you guys! Really getting back to like...Mother Earth! (zips back a little portal in the roof of the tent and lies back on her sleeping bag looking up through it) And look! You can even sleep looking up at the stars while being all snuggled up toasty in bed! Ahhhh....OH! Look! Look a flock of swallows right over me..[everyone looks up] ...Oh pretty! [something that "sounds" like a raindrop plunks onto the tent] JOEY: [realises] Uh-Oh! [steps back as a shower of bird guano peppers the tent]
PHOEBE: AHHH! AHHHH! CRAP! CRAP!
CHANDLER: [grins] And she means that most sincerely folks!
[Scene: Later all the tents are up. Ross and Rachel come back into the clearing with wood. Monica, Chandler and Joey are sorting out the food and stuff. Rachel looks around.]
RACHEL: Where's Phoebe?
CHANDLER: Well..our very own Dr Dolittle has decided to go and "talk to the animals" and [Phoebe imitation] "Oh! Oh! Y'know..like make her spirit one with nature!"
RACHEL: Ahh..
[Ross and Rachel start building a fire. While Monica isn't looking Joey slips a tupperware box behind Monica, then winks at Chandler, who nods.]
MONICA: Okay..I think that's everything.
CHANDLER: Yep! Oh no..wait..there's one behind you Mon. [she looks]
MONICA: Oh yeah..[picks it up, opens it and a large frog hops out onto her lap, she leaps back] YAAAAAHHHH!!
[Joey and Chandler start laughing as Monica scrambles furiously away from the frog.]
CHANDLER: [points at her] That's for the "race" thing! You wanna be childish?! O.K! You revert to 12? We'll revert to 10! You give us a noogie? We'll give you a wedgie! You're up against the BIG boys here...err..technically speaking that is...
JOEY: Yeah! We can always out.......child...you..
RACHEL: [shakes her head] Sometimes, I cannot believe I hang around with you people...
[Monica is just standing there,breathing heavily as the two guys continue to laugh. Ross looks from Monica to the two guys and back again and winces.]
ROSS: Yeah..umm..guys? I should really tell you at this point, that Monica has severe Amphibia Phobia...[pauses]..that's "Frog-Phobia" to you Joe..[Joey nods gratefully]...which first manifested itself when I put 6 of them in her bed roll on her 12th birthday camp out. [everyone looks at the statue like Monica] Eh..I should also tell you that the known reaction to "Frog-Phobia" at that time was..two fractured ribs and a broken nose.
[Joey and Chandler have stopped laughing at this point and their smiles have a sickly look to them.]
CHANDLER: Aheh..ehh..I don't suppose by any remote..infitisimal chance..you meant her..her ribs and nose?
ROSS: Heh heh..yeah right...
[Chandler & Joey start backing away very slowly, Monica's eyes follow their movement and slowly narrow.]
MONICA: You...are..so...DEAD! [they take off at full steam, she stands there for a split second and then chases after them.]
[Scene: The woods. Phoebe is wandering happily. She stops suddenly, seeing something further on. A deer and it's fawn are quietly grazing off some bushes.]
PHOEBE: Ohhh..[she gets down and crawls as quietly as she can into some bushes so they won't see her.]
[Scene: A track through the woods. Chandler and Joey come racing flat out around the bend. Joey trips over something and goes flying.]
JOEY: Yipe! [he lands heavily, Chandler skids to a halt and comes back to help him]
CHANDLER: [frantically] Come on-come on-come on-come on-come on-come on-COME ON! She's coming! [Joey gets up, but winces]
JOEY: Ow! No-no...twisted ankle! [hobbles] Yep, Ankle definitely twisted!! [looks at Chandler] I can't make it man! Save yourself!
CHANDLER: [grabs his arm] No way man! I'm not leaving you behind!!
[Monica's voice is heard coming up the track]
MONICA: I'm going to do so much damage..you'll wish you'd come on vacation with Michael Myers!!!!
[Chandler looks from Joey to the voice and back to Joey again]
CHANDLER: Okay if you insist...bye! [takes off down the track]
JOEY: Hey! [stares after him then looks around and scrambles headfirst into some bushes.]
[Scene: Camp. Ross is sitting watching Rachel light the fire by spinning a stick between two blocks of wood with a small bow. The wood starts to smoke, she puts the kindling on, blows and the fire lights.]
ROSS: [impressed] Woah...cool...what else can you do?
RACHEL: Well.. it's been a long time of course, but I can navigate using the sun..emm...I can track people, and I could pretty much live off the forest if I had to.
ROSS: Wow....I'm dating Grizzly Adams.
[Scene: Track. Monica runs around the bend and trips the same way Joey did.]
MONICA: Wooop!
[Scene: Phoebe in the bushes, watching the deer.]
PHOEBE: [quietly] Oh, it's so sweet...[glances sideways] ...isn't it....Mr...Skunk. [the skunk makes it's way towards her through the bushes, she gulps and starts to back slowly further into the bushes.]
[Scene: Track. Monica kneels up and looks around to see what she tripped over. See's a pari of feet sticking out of the bushes and grins wickedly. She reaches out quickly, grabs hold of the feet and clambers on top of the legs facing the feet.]
MONICA: Gotcha, Joey! I'd recognise those ratty Nikes anywhere! Okay..I'll teach you! [starts to unlace the shoes.] [Scene: Phoebe backing through the bushes on her butt.]
PHOEBE: Okay..Mr Skunk..here's the deal...you let me go..unstinkified..and I..I..I will never tell anyone I saw you! [the skunk fixes it's beady eyes on her] Oh-oh. [the skunk does a 180 degree turn and raises it's tail] Ooop! No! Wait! [she scrabbles back even quicker, suddenly runs out of ground and slides backwards down a sheer bank] WAAAH!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel sitting together by the fire.]
ROSS: So..how'd you get so good at all this stuff?
RACHEL: You've got to remember, Mindy and I used to go to camp nearly every summer. [smiles nostalgically] Experience is a great teacher.
ROSS: Uh-huh..and what was experience's name?
RACHEL: Todd.
[Scene: The track. Monica pulls off both socks simultaneously, and starts to tickle the feet.]
MONICA: Tickle, tickle, tickle! [stops] Woah..Joey your feet are like blocks of ice! You've really got to wear thicker socks. Tickle, tickle, tickle! [notices she's not getting any reaction.] Joey? [stands up, grabs the legs and yanks]
[Cut to: A shot of the island as Monica's bloodcurdling scream rings out.]
[Scene: The track. Monica's staring in horror at the body as Chandler from one direction and Ross & Rachel from the other come running.]
RACHEL: What?! What?! What?! [sees the body] AHHH! [grabs hold of Ross]
CHANDLER & ROSS: WOAH!
[Joey sticks his head out of the bushes further up on the far side]
JOEY: What's going on?
ALL: [all jump] BAAAAAAHH!!
RACHEL: Is he..is he dead?
MONICA: [regaining control] Quick! Somebody get me a mirror!
CHANDLER: OK! [takes a step, then stops] Why?
MONICA: [turns and smiles at him] So I can check my make up...[yells] SO I CAN SEE IF HE'S BREATHING!!!!
ROSS: [bends down and checks the pulse] I wouldn't bother Mon. [they all look down at the body] Hey..how come his shoes and socks are over there?
MONICA: [Monica holds up her hands, stares at them, then at the body, then grimaces] Ewwwwwww!!
[Scene: Phoebe lying at the bottom of the bank, opens her eyes, blinks and looks up. There's a man standing over her.]
GUY: Are you okay miss? I thought I heard a scream. [looks up at the bank] That was quite a spill you took!
PHOEBE: Huh? Oh..yeah..I think I'm okay..Oh! Hold on. [smells her clothes and sighs in relief] Now I know how that cat that gets chased by Pepe le Pew feels! [looks up at the guy, who's really cute. She smiles, he smiles, he offers her his hand and helps her up. She doesn't let go once she's up] Umm..thanks..I'm Phoebe Buffay, by the way. I'm staying here with some friends.
STEVE: [shakes the hand she hasn't let go of] Steve Andrews. We're locals. Phoebe? That's a pretty name.
PHOEBE: Oh..thanks. But my parents gave it to me..so..y'know, I can't take any credit. [looks around] Umm..."we"?
STEVE: Oh yeah. My buddies and I, we're just here for the night.
PHOEBE: [a little disappointed] Oh.
STEVE: But..I've got a boat and I come over here pretty much anytime I want. [they smile at each other]
[Scene: Almost dark. All bar Phoebe and Ross are at the camp. Sitting around the fire The bare feet are sticking out of Phoebe and Monica's tent. Rachel is jittery and keeps glancing at the body.]
RACHEL: You guys? I really not sure it was a good idea to move the body. Isn't that disturbing the scene or something?
CHANDLER: Look at it this way. Monica'd already dragged the body out of the bushes. Prior to that she'd taken it's shoes and socks off and tickled it's feet! I'd call that one pretty disturbed scene!
JOEY: Yeah, anyway, Ross was right, the animals would have been getting ready to chow down round about now. Which reminds me what's for dinner?
[Scrubbing her hands vigorously with soap, looks at him in disbelief, then looks at the body and grins]
MONICA: How about...Long Pig, Joey?
JOEY: [looks at her suspiciously] Wait a minute..wait a minute..I know what that is..you can't fool me! That's....that Mongolian barbecue dish you tried on me 2 months ago! Uh-Uh! No way! It took me a week to get the taste out of my mouth!
[Monica looks at him and shakes her head sadly. Chandler pats her on the shoulder]
CHANDLER: Ooh..yeah..I know..just when you think you've made a breakthrough, and you can see that faint glimmer of light? It's snatched away from you! Heartbreaking, isn't it?
RACHEL: [stands up] Ohhh..I hope Ross doesn't take too long to get back with the police. This is really freaking me out!
JOEY: Why? It's only a body..it's not going to suddenly leap up and attack us!
RACHEL: I know! But did you take a good look at the body?
JOEY: Not particularly, getting close to dead bodies is not really something I'm into. It takes a special brand of person, right Mon? [Monica ignores him but starts to scrub even harder]
RACHEL: Well if you'd bothered to look you would have seen that there are no marks on the body!
CHANDLER: So? He could have just had a heart attack or a stroke or something.
RACHEL: [rolls her eyes] What is he?! About 30? He looks well built and fit. How many fit 30 year olds do you know have heartattacks?
CHANDLER: [grins at Monica] Ones who are tickled to death?!
RACHEL: Look, all I'm saying is that this guy is a classic Widow's Island case! [picks up the book, waves it at them] Huh? Huh?! I'm telling you, I think there's something weird going on on this island!
MONICA: Rachel, honey? You are really over reacting to this.
RACHEL: Oh yeah?! Well where's Phoebe? Hmm? How do we know she isn't lying out there in some bush somewhere? And how do we know we won't be next?!
MONICA: [looks at Chandler] Not that I'm giving credence to anything Miss Squeaky Frome over here is saying, but Phoebe has been gone a long time. I think we should start looking for her.
[All bar Joey, stand up]
CHANDLER: Okay, I think we should pair off.
MONICA: Alright, Rachel and I will go that way and you and...
JOEY: Uh-uh-uh! Twisted ankle, not going anywhere.
MONICA: Right! Okay, probably a good idea for someone to stay here in case she comes back, anyway. Chandler? You'll have to go by yourself.
CHANDLER: What?! But it was my idea to pair off! Why don't you...
MONICA: [smiles slyly at him] You're not...scared ..are you Chandler?
[He looks out into the growing gloom, swallows nervously]
CHANDLER: Scare..scared..me? Of..of course I..am..not!
[Phoebe walks silently up behind him]
PHOEBE: Scared of what?
CHANDLER: BAAAAHH! [leaps over the fire and grabs hold of Monica, who smiles smugly at him. To Phoebe.] Don't ever..EVER..do that again! [sees Monica's face] Hey, I was just starting to heighten my senses for the search and she..she startled me! [Monica nods patronisingly]
RACHEL: Phoebe! Where have you been?!
PHOEBE: I met a guy!
MONICA: You met a guy!?!
PHOEBE: Uh-huh! [sees the feet] Hey! Who's that sleeping in my bed?
CHANDLER: Oh, that'd be Goldilock's cousin...Coldifeet. [Scene: Timelapse. It's dark. They're all sitting around the fire. Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on a log in front of the tent with the body. Phoebe's looking back at it, she turns back grinning.]
PHOEBE: Wow...this is like a Nancy Boy and Hardy Drew mystery!
CHANDLER: [quickly] O.K, this time I'm being Hardy Drew! [happily] Joey can be Nancy Boy for a change.
RACHEL: [still jittery] Come on Ross! Come on! Where IS he?!
MONICA: Rachel?! Will you relax?! He's only been gone an hour.
RACHEL: I don't care! I just want off this spooky island! I told you we should have stayed in your Aunt Sylvia's!
MONICA: Hey..what happened to the cool, competent, forest-wise Rachel that was here a while ago?!
RACHEL: [glares at Monica] She saw a dead body and now she wants her mother..or failing that her boyfriend with some cops! Ro-o-oss! Come on!
PHOEBE: [putting her hands on Rachel's shoulders] Okay, Rachel? You're really spacing out on us here! You got to find your happy place...
RACHEL:[flipping out] No-no! No-no-no! I don't Phoebs! Y'know why? 'Cause I KNOW where my happy place is, O.K?!?!?! [points] It's on the far side of this lake, in that Jacuzzi with a phone, electricity, 4 walls, a roof and a heavy wooden door between me and that body!!![starts bouncing up and down on the log]
PHOEBE: Okay! Rachel? Shhh..shh..shh..[Rachel calms down] Okay, I want you to meditate with me. Okay?
RACHEL: O-okay..
PHOEBE: Okay. Now focus. Close your eyes. [she closes her eyes] Now, think calming thoughts...
RACHEL: Okay..
PHOEBE: Okay. Now..chant with me..UMMM
RACHEL: UMMM
PHOEBE: UMMM
RACHEL: UMMM
VOICE: UUUUUUHHHHMMM
RACHEL: UUUUUHHHHMMM
VOICE: UUUUUHHHHH
RACHEL: UUUUHHH...Wow, Phoebe how do you make your voice go so low?! [She gets no answer, and slowly opens her eyes to see Phoebe sitting frozen in place.] Phoebs? Tell..tell me that..that was you.
MONICA: [choked voice] What was that?
CHANDLER: A..a really deep manly echo?
VOICE: UHHHHHHHHHH!!
[All heads snap towards the tent. Where the body slowly rises up and sits up straight. Everyone sits frozen in place. The eyes suddenly open and focus on Rachel and Phoebe. Joey rises up, twisted ankle and all and runs like hell, followed closely by Monica and Chandler.]
RACHEL: [staring at the guy] Phoebe? Could..could you let go of my shoulders? I'd really like to run screaming into the woods right about now, if that's alright?
PHOEBE: Umm..yeah..I'd really like to! But unfortunately the fear has currently switched off all feeling from my limbs and I'm not sure when normal service will be resumed..
GUY: [looks from one to the other] Oh...hi! Did you..did you bring me here?
PHOEBE: Yes...bu-bu-but..we really didn't mean to disturb your resting place! It's just my friend tripped over you and thought you were the one who put the frog in her lap and started to tickle your feet and..and..and we're really, REALLY sorry!
GUY: Oh..I wasn't resting! I suffer from Catatonia! Did you not find my card?
RACHEL: [swallows hard] Your..your..your card?
GUY: [checks his pockets] Ooop..wouldn't you know it, I must have left it in my other pants!
PHOEBE: [high pitched squeak] Heeheehee.he..left it in his other pants!
RACHEL: [exhales and clutches her chest] Yeah..okay..alright...NOW I think I know how someone could have a heartattack at our age!
[Scene: The 5 are sitting around happily toasting marshmallows and Phoebe is strumming her guitar.]
PHOEBE: [sings] She tickled his feet! She tickled his feet! She thought he was dead and she tickled his feet! [writes it down]
MONICA: I did not think he was dead when I tickled his feet!
PHOEBE: [shakes her head] I know! I'm just taking artistic licence..I'm an artist, and I have a licence..so it's all official and above board, okay?!
Ross leads the Sheriff and 2 deputies into the clearing.
ROSS: O.K Sheriff! The body is right here..in that tent over there!
RACHEL: You're back!
ROSS: We got here as quickly as we could. [points at the tent] He's in that tent over there.
JOEY: No he's not.
ROSS: He's not?
JOEY: He's gone home.
ROSS: He's gone home..what..what..what..what do you mean he's gone home?!
CHANDLER: He took his boat and he went home.
ROSS : He took his boat and...OK! What the hell are you guys talking about! He's a body, he's dead! [they all shake their heads] He's not..not dead? [remembers the Sheriff and turns around slowly] Aheh...there..there..seems to..to be some mis..mis..understanding here Sheriff Riley..
SHERIFF: [interupts Ross] Alright! Will someone who can actually get a sentence out in under 5 minutes like to explain what the HELL is going on here? It took us nearly half an hour for this guy to tell us something about a body and some kind of weird necrophilia.....
MONICA: [jumps up] WHAT?! Ross! What have you been....[all the cops look at her] ...umm..it's really not what it sounded like...whatever it sounded like...
SHERIFF: So is there a body or isn't there?!
RACHEL: There was.
JOEY: But now there isn't.
MONICA: You see he was here, but now he's gone..
SHERIFF: [looks at them suspiciously] Okay! Have you kids been smoking some kind of "party favours"?!
[Chandler goes to give a wise ass answer, but Phoebe clamps a hand over his mouth]
PHOEBE: [shakes her head vigorously] Nooo..nooo..noo..Danger! Danger, Chandler Bing!
[Chandler gives the thumbs up sign and nods. Phoebe lets him go.]
MONICA: You see after my brother left, he woke up!
SHERIFF: [looks at Ross] You could've fooled me...
MONICA: No..no..the guy..his name was Arthur Miles, and he's staying in a house on the far side of the lake? Y'see he suffers from Catatonic fits and he's not really supposed to go out alone but he's staying with his in-laws, the umm..the Molloy's and he really can't stand them. So he took off, and while he was wandering around out here he just..y'know..keeled over, and he had no I.D with him..so you see it was all one big misunderstanding, Sheriff..umm..Sheriff?
SHERIFF: [through clenched teeth] Molloy.
[Including the deputies, everyone bar Monica suddenly becomes interested in rocks and stuff]
MONICA: Mo..Molloy? Oh..[grins weakly] ...oops...
SHERIFF MOLLOY: [under his breath] Took off, did he? Can't stand us, can he? I'll give that kid, misunderstanding...how does a week in jail for a false call out sound. I told Jillian marrying that goober was a BIG mistake..but does she ever listen to her brother? Nooo! [comes back to the present] Oh..yeah..Okay, so you kids are alright then?
ALL: Fine! Great! Fine, Sheriff! Just fine! Okey-Dokey...did I really just say that?
SHERIFF MOLLOY: Okay..[looks around] it's just that locals don't tend to come out here much, there's been a lot of weird stuff that's gone on in this island.
RACHEL: You mean like the Jackson thing and the spectral sightings and stuff?[looks at the others and laughs] Oh we don't take that seriously!
SHERIFF MOLLOY: Alrighty..you kids take care then!
ALL: We will! Thanks for coming! Thanks! Bye! We'll be right as rain....I did it again didn't I?
[The sherift and the deputies head back out the way they came. Ross sits down beside Rachel who takes his arm.]
PHOEBE: Oh..It's so great that it all worked out, and we can stay!
JOEY: Wow..you're really into this whole outsidey..nature embracing thing aren't you?
PHOEBE: Yah-Huh! Yeah...but..that's not what I meant.
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: It means I can meet Steve tomorrow like we planned!! Yay!
ROSS: [confused] Steve who?
PHOEBE: Steve Andrews..I met him on the beach on the far side of the island. He's scrummy! [she and Monica giggle]
RACHEL: [looking weird] Steve Andrews? Uh..Steve-Steve Andrews?
PHOEBE: [happily] No. Just Steve Andrews.
ROSS: [winces] Sweetie..em..sweetie? I don't think a human arm was designed to be squeezed that hard and not drop off!! Ow..ow..ow!
[Rachel lets go of his arm and reaches over for her book. Starts flipping through the pages really quickly]
RACHEL: Oh my God..oh my God..oh my God..oh my God...
CHANDLER: [to Joey] Woah..it's the chant for the Swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated! It's so weird hearing it out of season!
ROSS: Honey? What's the matter. [Rachel stops suddenly at a page]
RACHEL: I'll tell you what's the matter...Steve Andrews.
PHOEBE: [deflates] Ohhh..I knew it..he was too good to be true..don't tell me! No, do! No! Let me guess! He's...married!
RACHEL: Yes, Phoebe..yes he is.
PHOEBE: Uhhhh..I knew I should have stuck with don't tell me!
RACHEL: And he's also dead!
PHOEBE: [brightens up again] Cool! Then that makes him a widower!
RACHEL: No Phoebs..it makes him a Ghost!!!
[Pause as they all sit there looking at one another]
MONICA: You guys..you guys..don't really think...[suddenly the fire dies, the wind picks up and an owl starts to screech. They stare at each other for a split second then they all leap up]...Okay! It's getting kind of cold I think we'll pack up! Ross you catch up to the Sheriff he can tow us back to shore! GO! GO! GO! [Ross races off]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Next day. Aunt Sylvia's cabin. They're all sitting around, drinking wine and luxuriating.]
PHOEBE: Uhh..Can you believe my luck?! I find this really cute guy, who..like..digs me! And not only does he turn out to be a ghost..Oh nooo..he's a married ghost!
MONICA: [sarcastically] Yeah..don't you just hate it when cute ghosts turn out to be married and unattainable!!
CHANDLER: It never would have worked out Phoebs...these long distance relationships never do! I mean commuting back and forth between this world and the next! [Joey grins]
JOEY: Yeah..you'd always be waiting to catch the Soul Train! [Joey & Chandler start to boogie]
PHOEBE: Very funny! [looks out the window] Still..it's kinda romantic to think that he could be out there waiting for me..his soul forever tied to the island...thinking of me..
[Cut to Island. The Beach]
STEVE: [looks at his watch] Goddamn it! I knew I should never have made a date with her! Damned New York tourists!
[Cut to Aunt Sylvia's]
ROSS: [quietly to Rachel] So are you ever going to tell her you made it up?
RACHEL: Noooo-hoo-Hooo! She'd kill me!
ROSS: Yeah..but she could be out there having a fun time with that guy!
RACHEL: Yeah! And we could all be out there freezing our butts off?! Hey..just because I am good at something doesn't mean I like it... sleeping with Barry being another case in point! Race you to the Jacuzzi! [gets up and runs up the stairs]
END